No.230 : The Blob (1958)

 

The Blob at the IMDb

Every one loves Steve McQueen, but what about this early offering for ‘Steven McQueen’? Well I can tell you it’s dreadful and Steve rightly dropped the ‘N’ to avoid association with this turkey. To be fair it would probably never have seen light after its initial release if it wasn’t for the appearance of the star man who was 'a getting on a bit' 28 when the film was made.

Steven plays ‘Steve’ a high school kid out on a no nonsense date with his stuffy girlfriend. They see a meteor land and go to have a look. Meanwhile the object has already been found by a hill billy farmer who pokes it with a broom handle. Huge mistake as a blob of jelly affixes itself to his arm. He goes running about in the road and is picked up by Steve who administers the time honoured cure of putting a jacket over him.

They head into town and dump the old coot with a doctor who summons his nurse to help. Soon the two are absorbed by the blob which is gaining size and a reddish colour. Steve meanwhile wastes ten minutes facing off some dudes who want a drag race but eventually he realises the blob is a threat to the town and starts to annoy the police. He narrowly escapes its blobby clutches when hiding out in a meat freezer (remember that for later!) before the blob heads to a movie theatre for some people popcorn.

After some off screen horror the police and the fire department show up, but Steve, his date, a cute kid and some Italian stereotypes are trapped in a diner which is now enveloped in the massive blob. Can they be saved and can this red menace be defeated?

This was a laughable piece of nonsense, but it was also boring and badly acted. The special effects were very poor with the blob being either shown in forced perspective or in a form of animation that Walt Disney’s dog could have bettered.

McQueen shows none of the charisma he’s later known for and looks too skinny and old for the high school hero role. He isn’t helped much by a uniformly dreadful cast who look like they have been pulled off the street to deliver their stilted dialogue.

I’m not sure if there was a metaphor in place here - the red menace was a bit on the nose and it was hardly a clever ‘body snatchers’ type analogy. Basically what you get is people screaming and being absorbed off screen. At one point the police chief says ‘it must have killed at least 50 or 60 people’  thanks very much for the zero we saw - even the dog escaping wasn’t shown, and only mentioned.

I was surprised the film was in colour, but apart from that it was just as dreadful as I’d imagined and I just wish I’d kept avoiding it. You may get some jollies laughing at the rubbish special effects and some early McQueen embarrassment, but I’d advise that you avoid ‘The Blob’ - not to avoid absorption but to avoid boredom.

THE Tag Line : Bad Job Blob  32%

No.190 : The Pact (2012)

The Pact at the IMDb

Johnny Rico out of ‘Starship Troopers, stars in this film - Would you like to know more? If you’re smart you’ll say ‘No, I’m off to see ‘Love is Nice’ with Jennifer Aniston . This was a dull, depressing and low budget effort that wasn’t worth the bother.

Annie returns to her home town in California following the death of her mother. She can’t convince her sister to return to their childhood home as the sister has a lot of bad memories of the place. Annie seems in denial somewhat and has a troubling night when unseen forces watch her having a pee before chucking her about the place.

Annie manages to escape with her young niece but learns that her sister is now missing and she’s the only suspect. Rico is a nice policeman who hands out ice cream to suspects and enjoys listening to their wild and fantastical theories of what’s going on.

The pair return to the family home and discover a boarded up room complete with a rickety bed and enough peepholes to make Norman Bates blush. With the cops no use Annie starts her own investigation and finds a woman waving at her from Google Maps. She also visits a bunch of stoners in a scene so annoying with industrial clanging that I had to fast forward it. I think they were trying for a ‘Silent Hill’ type unsettling vibe but it was just plain headache inducing.

Believing there to be a supernatural explanation for her troubles Anne drafts in Stevie, a pale, scary looking psychic, who yells Judas before freaking out - must be a Dylan fan. After some more internet wizardry Annie earns about the Judas Killer, a serial killer from her neighbourhood who remains at large.

Rico does some investigating of his own and soon wishes he hadn’t. But fear not! we have a Ouija board and some ghostly special effects that may save the day.

I didn’t like this film at all. From it’s washed out palette to its uninspiring lead. The clues were all over the shop and the obvious explanation was the one they went with. There were too many jump scares and no real horror. Some of the effects were somewhat unsettling but I’ve seen better elsewhere, even in video games.

The plot, about repressed memories and childhood abuse, was never going to float my boat but it could have made an effort beyond the standard haunted house tropes. The film was made for a shoestring $400k and it does show with a lot of talk and very little show.

Rico was miscast as the nice policeman and his comeuppance was a small mercy at least. His reappearance in Ouija was a chuckle and I wondered if his pay had ran out and he phoned this bit in. The revelations were decently handled although the helpful ghost took a bit of acceptance. The baddy reveal was a bit of a letdown, but sometimes the real horrors aren’t ethereal, they are bald guys with their shirts off. The climax was reasonably good with it let down somewhat with the eye at the peep hole at the end - oh no! It’s starting all over again.

Over all I wasn’t scared or affected or even interested throughout. Make a pact with yourself and give it a miss.

THE Tag Line : Pact Full of Nothing 32%