No.84 : The Vikings (1958)

The Vikings at the IMDb

Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis star in this 1958 campy historical romp which my cynical eye believes not to be 100% factual.

It is England in the Dark Ages and the Vikings are raiding and ruffling the ladies’ clothes. The king has been killed and his Queen is been pensioned off by the new pretender to the throne. The Queen confides in the Bishop that she was impregnated by a Viking and the child will be the rightful heir. The Bishop sends the infant off to Italy so a bunch of priests can look after it - a likely tale! The boy is given a rare jewel to prove his lineage - well DNA testing is about 1200 years away.

Meanwhile the Vikings return home with much revelry and a fey Englishman who has fled the land after being correctly accused of helping the raiders. They go for a tour of the grounds and after Kirk’s falcon fails a test he’s upstaged by a slave who has the better bird. A fight breaks out and Kirk ends up one eye down. The slave, who turns out to be Tony Curtis under a beard, is condemned to the traditional ‘death by crabs’ - and not in a good way!

A seeming intervention by the Gods saves Tony from his nippy fate and he is claimed by the English traitor - possibly because of that rare stone he wears around his neck - remember that? A bit of digging reveals the infant was saved from the priests by the Vikings without them knowing his true identity. The Vikings soon set off for England again with a plan to kidnap the King’s bride to be - a rather fetching Janet Leigh. They get there and back in five minutes and after a bit of squabbling over who gets first dibs Tony frees the wench and they make off in a stolen longboat.

The low speed chase results in Kirk crashing his boat and Tony rescuing Ernest Borgnine, the Viking leader whom he takes prisoner. He also takes a fancy to Janet especially after getting a hot look at her sexy back when she reluctantly pitches in on the rowing. Tony delivers the Viking chief to the evil King but after helping him have hero’s death in the wolf pit he forfeits a hand to the malevolent monarch. Tony heads back to the Fjords and the eyepatched Kirk and soon the two join forces to gets some revenge and steal the girl. Will the two save the girl and who gets her fair hand? Will the crown be restored to the rightful heir and will an early episode of ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ save some sibling slaughter?

I wasn’t looking forward to this raid on the dressing up box but it was a lot of fun with plenty of action. It is of course hard to see beyond the two Hollywood stars hamming it up as Norsemen but they have so much fun in the roles that you soon forget your misgivings and sign on for the ride.

The cast is uniformly great but I especially enjoyed Frank Thring as the evil king. His overacting made Dr Evil look low key but he is so malevolent and hammy that he’s a joy to boo. Leigh is lovely if somewhat bland and Borgnine was almost unrecognisable as the rapist Viking Chief.

The production was lavish with some cracking locations and a cast of thousands, most of whom got killed by a variety of gruesome methods - axes, big rocks, arrows you name it. The fate and destiny elements were well signposted with a wise woman on hand to keep us right lest we have fallen asleep. The big ending battle was well executed with a couple of inventive ways employed to get into the impregnable castle. The closing scenes were more of a shock but I’m all for a few last minute surprises.

At two hours the film never drags and despite the action switching from England to Norway like they are a bus stop apart the customs and battles seemed well researched and authentic - unlike Tony’s false handless arm!

THE Tag Line : Vi-King of the Castle!

Rating : 77%

No.22 : The Manitou (1978)

The Manitou at the IMDb

Here’s a campy bit of sub Exorcist 70’s horror starring Tony Curtis as a phoney psychic who happens on an old curse in the shape of a foetus growing on his girlfriend’s neck. They don’t make them like that any more!

We open with a lady at the doctors. She mildly concerned that in three days a growth the size of a grapefruit has appeared on her neck. Strangely unconcerned the doctors send her home after they discover it’s just a baby growing on the back of her head. Meanwhile Tony Curtis in a funny cape is draining old women of their cash by giving them tarot readings. Well he has some Harry Hill style shirts to buy.

He gets a call from the grapefruit neck woman and after a fun day out in San Francisco he gets lucky in front of his open fire. But wait! The woman mutters something in her sleep that was probably meant to be as memorable as the bit out of ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’ but it totally isn’t as I’ve forgotten it already.

Lumpy heads in for surgery but she mutters stuff while under sedation which cause the surgeon to cut his own wrists - she probably told him her health insurance had lapsed. A further attempt with a big laser also goes wrong and it’s clear that it’s up to Tony to save the day with a lot of mystical gubbins that involve talking to wise Indians about ancient curses and the titular demonic spirits.

After getting some political stuff from an Indian named John Singing Rock Tony manages to enlist the redskin after agreeing to pay $100,000 to the downtrodden tribes and pretty soon Father Merrin, sorry Singing Rock begins his quest to rid the woman of her lump neck. His initial plan to put a circle around the bed fails when he fails to negotiate a wall and pretty soon Tony is wondering if he backed the wrong red skin or indeed script.

After flailing an orderly the Manitou emerges from the woman’s neck in a scary scene that looked a lot like a man getting out of a bag. How a fully grown man fitted in her neck is only covered by some talk of x-rays but largely you’re expected to run with it. Despite the place being wrecked and a body on the floor a sensible doctor is shouted down for foolishly suggesting that the police are called and we know that a lot more chanting lies ahead.

The Manitou starts to show off his skills of animating the dead but shows a strange aversion to a man tapping sticks in his general direction. With some remarkable straight faces in the face of some deathly dialogue and ropey effects our heroes have to muster all their strengths to see off the demon and his undead allies - and you will too if you are to stay for the whole 100 minutes.

This is an easy film to slag off but if you accept its limitations and enjoy the ride you won’t be that disappointed. Tony Curtis running in slow motion with a large mystic cape on is worth the rental alone and although it’s totally derivative of ‘The Exorcist’ it has a few side steps that offer a bit of interest and unintended amusements.

The pious Indian character is really annoying and he doesn’t miss a chance to bang on about his peoples’ injustices. He seems to make it up as he goes along with him immediately agreeing to Tony’s idea of turning the computers against the baddie - oh yeah the sprit world well up on Apple Macs are they?

They do try to expand on the possession angle with the spirit being made flesh and then summoning up his chums who turn the ward into ice and then space in some really unconvincing effects. Curtis’ character arc is non-existent but he deserved an award for keeping a straight face through some of the most far fetched dialogue you’ll ever hear.

As an oddity ‘The Manitou’ has a lot to recommend it but in truth it’s pretty dreadful and a guilty pleasure at best.

THE Tag Line : The Exorcist - With Explosions! 55%