No.36 : The Box (2009)

The Box at the IMDb

It’s 1976 and the Voyager space probes have been launched. Cameron Diaz is married to Cyclops out of ‘X-Men’ and is about to get a delivery. The couple find a box on their door step with a message saying that the delivery man will call the next day - maybe the sender hadn’t put enough stamps on it.

The next day the box delivery man arrives in the shape of Richard Nixon himself, Frank Langella, complete with a CGI covered half face. He tells the couple in a matter of fact fashion that if they press the button on the device inside the box someone they don’t know will die and they’ll get a million bucks. Rather than just smack the button down and demand the cash they have a restless night pondering the dilemma before Cameron presses the button. Huge mistake.

Frank returns to collect his box and delivers the cash. As he leaves he tells them the box will now go to someone else who will be made the same offer - the implication being that Cameron and Cyclops may be the victims of a future button press. Understandably upset they try to weasel out of the deal but are undone at every turn as the box distribution people have confederates on every corner - usually identified by a bleeding nose.

Things start getting a bit weird as legions of seemingly mind controlled people start chasing Cyclops around a library before he is sent home via a big block of water. Meanwhile we see some panicked souls at Langley who know that Frank was killed by lightening shortly after the Voyager probe took off, before being returned to life. They now know that he is in the box and money distribution business but to what end?

Slowly we start to gather the threads together and learn that the whole box set up is a test by persons unknown to gauge the moral value of society and of humanity in general. With Frank back at Cameron’s house he offers an impossible dilemma and the identity of the unknown person who must die in exchange for the cash may not be so unfamiliar after all.

When I saw the first half hour of this film I was wondering why it was called the ‘The Box’ rather than ‘The Button’. As the film progresses however you realise that the button isn’t important and that the box referred to isn’t the container but the restrictions by which we live our lives. At first the dilemma seems a no brainer but then the film cleverly wrong foots you to the point where you think any button pressing would definitely be a bad thing.

I liked the general air of menace and unease that permeates through the film and the idea that everyone is in on this massive conspiracy was a fun if slightly unoriginal one. The first hour of the movie is like a 70s melodrama with a ‘what would you do?’ type narrative before it heads off into totally unexpected places. The CGI of the suspended blocks of water look a bit out of place in the beige 70’s setting but are unnerving and sinister all the same.

The film doesn’t fully explain what was afoot or the motivations behind those involved but I liked that it made you think and subverted your original expectations.

The three leads all do serviceable turns with Diaz possibly the weakest with her varying Southern drawl. I liked how her character was fleshed out with stories of how she lost her toes and it was a brave move to take on an offbeat film like this complete with unflattering fashions. Langella exuded quiet menace throughout and James Marsden did OK with a limited role that mostly involved looking a bit confused.

I’d imagine a lot of Saturday night cinema audience would have left ‘The Box’ with a ‘WTF’ attitude but I enjoyed it’s weirdness and thought provoking subject matter. It was maybe a bit long at two hours but over all it’s well worth taking delivery of ‘The Box’.

THE Tag Line : Box Tops! 78%

No.35 : The Rocketeer (1991)

The Rocketeer at the IMDb

I had pretty good memories of ‘The Rocketeer’ but was slightly wrong footed from the start when the ‘Disney’ logo came up - surely the House of Mouse have done nothing that appeals to anyone over 10 years old? ‘Herbie Goes Bananas’ excepted, of course.

Well there is certainly no sex, drug taking swearing or nudity but seeing as it’s an old fashioned adventure romp it manages to navigate past these shortcomings and remain an enjoyable offering.

The film is set just before the second World War with Nazis, spies and saboteurs all over the shop. We open with a young pilot testing a new aircraft when he happens upon an FBI chase and cops a bullet in the engine for his troubles. He manages to get the plane back to the airstrip just as the Feds and the gangsters arrive, causing his already stricken craft to blow up. One gangster manages to hide his loot before being arrested and our man and his chirpy mechanic Alan Arkin are left to count the cost.

The airfield owner tells them they’ll have to break out their old clown plane to entertain the air show crowds but as they dust the old bird off they find what the gangster has left behind - a super duper jet pack, designed and build by Howard Hughes. Seeing its potential worth, our men decide to make a few bucks off the machine before handing it back; but elsewhere more nefarious plans are afoot.

Paulie out of ‘Goodfellas’ has been employed by Timothy Dalton’s dashing but traitorous actor to get the jet pack for his Nazi pals. He kidnaps the Rocketeer’s girl Jennifer Connelly and it’s up to our guys to get into lots of situations that could benefit from having a jet pack to save the day. With the plan exposed Dalton makes off with Connelly and her zeppelins, sorry in a zeppelin , with the Rocketeer in hot pursuit. You’ll pretty much guess the rest.

If you ask most people they’ll wax lyrical about ‘The Rocketeer’ and rightly so ; there’s a lot to like. For a start the cast is spot on with the slightly slow but oh so dashing Bill Campbell in the lead. It’s a shame he’s not gone onto greater things but he did at least get a decent gig in Ricky Gervais’ ‘Ghost Town’ a couple of years back. Connelly is good fun too especially as she spends most of the film in a low cut ball gown. Timothy Dalton is great as the moustache twirling bad guy reportedly based on Errol Flynn and Alan Arkin is his always likable self as the cheery mechanic.

The plot is pretty basic with all the action basically happening over a day and a night. He finds the thing, leans to fly it and then saves the day in it. I’m not saying he should have had a love scene with it too, it just seems a bit straightforward in terms of plot direction. The end scenes with the Zeppelin were a good idea as up to that bit the only use of the rocket pack seemed to be a means of getting somewhere quickly.

There is no sense of danger in the film and despite a Rondo Hatton-esque unkillable bad guy most of the deaths occur off screen and those that don’t have a comic element to them. The sets and costumes are great and the whole thing is evocative of a more innocent time in both the movies and the world in general.

If you think the plot is a bit slight or you think things fall together a bit too easily you may be right, but for the most part I’d say ‘shut up I’m trying to watch this nice film again - Jennifer’s dress surely can’t stand the strain this time around?!’.


THE Tag Line : Strap It On And Brace Yourself 73%

No.34 : The Firm (2009)

The Firm at the IMDb

Nah, not the Tom Cruise one, this is more like Cockney Wanker : The Movie - only with more sportswear.

Nick love directs this remake of the original TV film that starred Gary Oldman. Rather than update the story it remains set in the 1980’s and has nothing of interest to say whatsoever. It does have wall to wall 80’s hits though so at least the soundtrack isn’t a total loss.

The ‘firm’ is a gang of football hooligans who travel the country looking for fights with rival gangs. The film open with a couple of fresh faced yoofs trying to have it large in some crappy nightclub. Some tit wearing shorts gets their attention and after he head buts their leader they become very impressed indeed. The shorts wearer is Bex the leader of the local firm.

The lads crap their pants when they learn who they challenged and are forced into a grovelling apology at the pub. Not one to bear a grudge Bex invites our hero, Dom, along on their next away day. Predictably this ends with a big scrap with the locals, and the impressionable Dom becomes seduced by the patter and sports wear.

He quickly ditches his friends to follow the hooligans and starts to mimic Bex’s speech and dress. He eventually realises that Bex is in fact a nutter and despite his normal job and home life his new hero is destined to get them all a big smack. As the final battle with the rival Yeti’s crew looms large Dom has to question the choices he’s made and whether there is any way to escape.

This is a dreadful and nasty film that has nothing to redeem it apart from ‘Mega Hits of the 80s’ playing in the background throughout. The original ‘The Firm’ was laden with social commentary and rapier sharp dialogue - this effort is a bunch of wankers wearing tracksuits and calling each other ‘cants’ all the time.

It is of course aimed straight at its target market of arseholes and neds and I’m sure all the nostalgia isn’t there by accident. You can just imagine the big laughs coming from Neanderthals every time waffle trousers or tie pin chains get a look in. The clothes are ridiculous and not very authentic. Of course your scum wore tracksuits but in this everything was too shiny and brand new - even after the scraps.

The fights themselves, on which the whole film hangs, were poorly handled with a shaky camera and sharp cuts making up for real action and excitement. Most of the fights were just goading and running away. This may be realistic but it just came over as a lot of fannies jumping around to ‘Tainted Love’.

The characters were awful too with our hero Dom the worst of the bunch. We’re meant to buy that he’s been seduced by the world of violence and the charismatic Bex but he just looks like a puppy stuck in a gay love story. His attempts to make the patois sound authentic are laughable and it has to be the most cringe worthy performance in many years.

Bex is a bit better but lacks Gary Oldman’s quiet menace, whereas Yeti is amazingly miscast - he’s not even got white hair - the clue was in his name Mr Casting Director. It was nice to see the lovely Camille Coduri off ‘Dr Who’ as Mum but alas she had even less to work with than she did in ‘Nuns On the Run’.

I’m not sure what message the film was trying to convey and I think it really just served as a dumbed down remake for the enjoyment of the scumbags involved in the real fights who are probably out of the clink by now. It did show what and empty and vacuous life these people live but only by being empty and vacuous itself. A nasty, hateful film that is as much fun to watch as a Stanley knife is to chew on.

THE Tag Line : Firm Softens The Head 35%

No.33 : The Majestic (2001)

The Majestic at the IMDb

Jim Carrey stars in this bloated pile of sentimental crap that sucks up two and a half hours of your life and leaves you feeling that bit stupider for having fallen for its obvious pitfalls. But it starts with a ‘The’ so at least I’ve got an excuse.

The file opens with Carrey’s 1950s Hollywood screenwriter agreeing to all the mental changes to his script suggested by the studio. This shows he has no integrity but he has a sexy broad on his arm and a nice set of wheels so who’s to worry? His first film gets a decent reception and things are looking good until a teenage indiscretion brings him to the attention of the Committee for Un-American Activities . With his next flick cancelled he hits the bottle and goes for a drive - HUGE mistake.

A well trained opossum, which for some reason is crossing the middle of a long bridge, causes him to lose control and crash into the water. He washes up in a small town and as you’d guess the bump on the head has caused total amnesia - the movie kind, not the massive head trauma kind that most accidents accidentally cause.

He’s found by Brookes out of ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ and taken into town where he’s recognised as a long lost son of the town feared dead in World War Two. Carrey doesn’t know who he is but is soon cosying up to the dead man’s squeeze and Martin Landau, the local cinema owner father of the dead boy. Months soon pass and the father and not son start to bond as they do up the titular picture house.

Meanwhile the nasty commie chasers are on our man’s tail and when his car washes up they close the net and bring him back to LA to face the music. Will his now restored memory reignite his asshole persona or will his months with the simple towns people colour his outlook and give him some of the spirit and courage of his assumed dead soldier’s character? Go on, two guesses!

I didn’t fancy this film when it came out, thinking it would be some sentimental twaddle about the goodness of small town America and a love letter to a bygone age. As with all presumptions it turned out that I was correct. The film is directed by Frank Darabont and on this evidence he should stick to Stephen King penned prison stories. The emotional music cues and overlong heartfelt speeches are all present and correct, but outside the prison environment they seem a bit unnecessary and overbearing.

Carrey’s character arc is really thin, as is that of the towns folk who go from love to hate to big love in 20 minutes. The cast is pretty good with a lot of familiar faces popping up such as the guy from Kruger Industrial Smoothage and Bob Balaban playing his usual weasely character. The story, as it is, is too slight, with the miraculous and selective amnesia which turns on and off as the story requires a plot device too far.

The film is book ended with scenes of Carrey discussing changes to a proposed film plot and you could argue that the whole thing is meant to be a fantasy of a better time that never really existed. I’m not buying that, and saw the whole things as lazy, sentimental schmaltz.

There were a couple of positives such as Bruce Campbell showing up in Carrey’s ‘B’ flick as well as Indiana Jones’ golden idol but for the most part this was just an idle jab at the commie witch hunts 50 years too late. Running at 150 minutes I’d be surprised if you take a trip to ‘The Majestic’ dear reader especially when you realise it’s got enough plot for the first hour at most. Basically when Martin Landau shuts off so should you!

THE Tag Line : Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pish 53%

No.32 : The Club (1980)

The Club at the IMDb

Here’s an oldie but a goodie from 1980. I saw this a few times on late night BBC2 and it always raised a smile so let’s see if it still hits the mark or whether its ‘Goliath Awaits’ all over again.

‘The Club’ is Collingwood, an Australian Rules Football team that’s living on its former glories. In a bid to get back to the top they sign Jeff for what is seemingly a high figure of A$120,000. The rest of the team quickly take against him when he plays a stinker and soon the manager and the board are at each other’s throats.

With Jeff on the dope and giving up on football the chairman is forced out after hitting a stripper and the rest of the board scheme to get the manager out. With a fearsome new manager lined up the guys come together to try and win the championship and save the manager and the spirit of the club.

‘The Club’ started life as a stage play and that’s pretty clear when you see how many scenes simply involve the characters all talking and mostly fighting with each other. Some films like this can be a bit dull but like ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ this fair crackles along with great characters and brilliant dialogue.

The Aussie Rules sport itself isn’t explained at all and it’s not always clear who’s doing what and who’s winning. That said the game scenes are excellent and obviously filmed in front of a real 100,000+ crowd - they must have laid on free beer.

The best character for me is the scheming Jock played by Frank Wilson who’s a petty and conniving old git. He does have all the best lines however and a great scene with Jeff where after being plied with drugs fully takes in his star’s confession of incest, a gullibleness that later comes back to haunt him.

The rest of the cast are great too with perennial Aussie star Jack Thompson taking centre stage as the volatile coach who tries to hang onto the club’s traditions as the money men start to take over. I also like the slimy chairman played by Graham Kennedy who slowly loses power to the plotters on the board.

If I had a criticism I felt that Jeff’s transformation from pariah to saviour was a bit sudden but I suppose they argue that the coming together was to face a common enemy. The ending itself was a bit rushed with the players agreeing to knuckle down one minute and then playing in the championship match literally a minute later.

The film gave a great sense of the passing of the guard and the transition from aplayer who played for the jersey giving way to the ones with dollar signs in their eyes. Scenes of the club’s glory days were skilfully recreated and the action was always running at full pelt.

I’m sure ‘The Club’ will resonate soundly with anyone who’s ever sat on a committee or board and dealt with all the petty self interests that stop anything actually getting done. All in all it’s a funny, all action sports movie with great characters and a great script.

THE Tag Line : Join The Club 77%

No.31 : The Crop (2004)

The Crop at the IMDb

We’re having a short season of Aussie films that are definite articles, have four letters in that definite article and they begin with ‘C’. As you may guess this will be a slightly short season and certainly one with variable quality.

We open with ‘The Crop’ which seems to be a bit of a mystery title, well it is if you use the IMDb for your information. ‘The Crop’ is listed as a futuristic film about a man in a car crash. I must of missed that bit as ‘The Crop’ I saw, which has the same cast, is about a lot of Aussie slobs growing dope. The other film described sounds like far more fun that this pile of crap however.

That said ‘The Crop’ sounds OK from the synopsis point of view, with it having the simple story of a strip club owner trying to get out of debt by growing drugs. I think I can spot the reason for his woes from the off however, as he appears to run the only strip joint on the planet that has a full live band and strippers who seem reluctant to take their tops off. Well ‘Blues Brothers 2000’ had the same idea but that got burnt down by the Russians for being shit. The club, not the film.

When you have a strip club owner / drug dealer as your protagonist you’d think that the producers would seek out a sympathetic and likable lead. It seems strange therefore that they went for an unlikable fat tit instead. Our man has troubles with his tit free titty bar and has the strange moral compunction to let his girls keep their pants on while his rivals go for the full value show.

Added to his troubles are a needy girlfriend and a pair of dozy stereotyped cops on the take. As a means to get out of his financial hole our hero decides to rent a remote farm and grow drugs. So far so morally wrong but let’s go with it, it might be fun with a few lessons learned along the way. Sadly, no. The drugs are seized by bent coppers as soon as they are grown and our man’s partner in crime is nicked. Strangely the cops let the drugs be stolen back and there is an endless chain of events while the drugs are intercepted, treated, stolen, sold etc. etc. We are left to wonder if our sleazy hero will get the cash to save him from the cops and loan sharks or will he get his just desserts in the form of 20 years hard labour.


This is a really terrible film with nothing to redeem it at all. It’s billed as a comedy but there are no laughs at all, as a bunch of nasty characters scrabble about in the dirt for a few bucks. The script is totally witless with the character bypassed lead with the unfeasible pretty girlfriend the least likable front man you’ll ever see. I don’t know if we’re meant to be cheering him on, but I for one was hoping the shot gun blast had taken his head off rather than predictably sprayed him with ketchup.

To flesh out the running time a couple of sub plots are thrown in involving stoners and someone else’s clingy girlfriend - laugh? You never will. The production seemed reasonably well financed with a half decent car crash near the end, but when you can see the stage hands pushing the kangaroo on set you know you aren’t dealing with the next Spielberg here.


I know I come across as a bit moral here and to be honest I don’t like drugs or films that make them seem like comedy currency. I’m not a total wet blanket and enjoy films like the Harold and Kumar adventures, but what they did was make drugs seem ridiculous and funny. This film makes them out to be an economic escape route and totally unfunny. A nasty, negative piece of rubbish that you’d need a pound of reefer to stay the course with. Man.

THE Tag Line : The Crap Is A Failed Harvest 23%

No.30 : The Clearing (2004)

The Clearing at the IMDb

Robert Redford, Helen Mirren and Willem Dafoe star in this under seen but highly watchable kidnap thriller.

Redford plays Wayne, a successful businessman who lives in a fancy home with Helen. He heads off to work and is reminded to be home by six for a dinner party, but never shows up. Mirren has a sleepless night before calling the cops. We then flit back and forth to see how the kidnapping played out while Mirren realises what has happened.

We then join Redford and his kidnapper Dafoe in the titular woodland area where their psychological battle takes place. At the homestead Helen tries to keep a brave face as the FBI unravel their private life, including Robert’s past affairs. She’s helped along by her grown up children who included the annoying English guy out of the ’Goal’ films.

Dafoe, who at first seems a well organised planner, slowly starts to unravel as Redford pries into his past and spots his false moustache. Usually the advice isn’t to antagonise one’s captor or to get information that may later identify them but Dafoe is a regular chatterbox which may not bode well for Redford.

As kidnapper and hostage head towards the hunting lodge where the former’s confederates lie in wait Mirren has to contend to with being the bag woman for the $10 million in diamonds ransom. Will Wayne’s world come crashing down as he attempts a last ditch escape? Will Helen forgive and forget or keep the sparklers? and will our old pal the non-linear narrative have a last card to play?

This film is based on a real life Dutch kidnapping and although this film is peppered with a-listers you do still have a sense of foreboding for Redford’s character throughout. Redford is a well known friend of the definitive movie fan with ‘The Natural’, ‘The Sting’ and ‘The Candidate’ (not heard of that one) all in our future. He’s not a favourite of mine, always appearing to play himself, but he’s certainly got a great body of work behind him.

Speaking of great bodies Helen Mirren does her usual solid work although, shockingly, she keeps her clothes on for most of the film. Dafoe is great as the slightly unhinged kidnapper whose confidence is gradually chipped away by Redford’s sharp talking. I liked his cloudy motivation and unpredictability - the scariest kind of bad guys!

‘The Clearing’ of the title is probably more of a notion of clarity rather than a defined space in the woods as there isn‘t really one shown in the film. There probably was one, like the bit where Wayne put on his trainers but that was hardly a major plot point. Maybe it was referring to someone’s schedule being cleared? Yes, that’ll do it for me.

The triumph of the film is to keep you caring for a womanising, slightly smarmy lead who is on a hook for most of the film. As his life with Mirren is deconstructed by the Feds, and then by the wife who goes to see the mistress, you see that his bravado is all a front and he’s as scared as any of us would be in the situation he finds himself in.

The finale of the ransom drop has the familiar run around town elements with the bad guys always one step ahead, but it’s a welcome step up in pace and the tension generated makes for a fitting climax. As the film flits between the two leads you’re keen to get back to the other one and then back again so a good job done Mr Editor. The ending itself is no great surprise, if you pay attention throughout the film but is no less affecting for all that.

Some may find the pace a bit pedestrian, but I like a slow boiler and if you stick with it to the end you’ll be glad you did.

THE Tag Line : Worth Seeing Is The Clearing 67%

No.29 : The International (2009)

The International at the IMDb

Here’s a film with a tough sell ; Clive Owen takes on a nasty bank. Is there any other kind? the world and his reviewing pals was heard to mutter. This bank isn’t interested in money however, they want power and influence and then money. If Goldman Sachs can make a billion a month you have to wonder why they bother. More fun most likely.

The film opens with Clive on a meet with a potential witness. Clive keeps lookout while his colleague gets the dirt on the titular bankers. As you’d guess it goes tits up when the partner gets it and it’s now personal for Clive.

Our man works for Interpol and has been frustrated by the lack of progress in his quest to bring the money men down. He’s helped along in some small measure by Naomi Watts’ ineffectual sidekick and a few cannon fodder cops. Clive’s early successes are soon undone by Neil from the Swindon branch and when a helpful Italian is shot the trail dries up. Luckily so does a puddle with the assassin’s boot print in it and soon we leave Europe for New York for a big shoot out at the Guggenheim that looks totally tacked on after the test screenings bombed and all the principles where in the USA when re-shoots were ordered.

With the net beginning to close around the bad guys Clive gives Naomi the rest of the movie off as he heads to Turkey for a disappointing finale.

With the cast in play here and a budget worthy of their attentions I had high hopes for ‘The International’ but ended up feeling a little overdrawn. Owen basically plays his ‘Children of Men’ bit with the dishevelled look and the don’t care for the consequences demeanour. He’s called ‘Salinger’ just to emphasise the loner bit and he frankly gets very little investment from the viewer. He’s got issues and sticks his head into a sink full of ice but it’s never really explored and we’re left to think his motivation is down to the poor interest rate on his ‘Super saver’ account.

The pedestrian pace of the film doesn’t help either with the running time a bloated two hours. There are inexplicable scenes where two dull men discuss the motivations of money and power and corruption and honour and I’m boring myself just remembering it. The action scenes are tacked on to an unbelievable degree with an hour of meetings interrupted by a ten minute gun battle before more meetings. In truth the museum shoot out is well realised but really far fetched with guns firing endless bullets and the cops no where to be seen in the biggest shoot out since the OK Corral.

The second string cast are pretty decent with a few familiar but unnameable faces showing up and doing a turn. It was funny to see Neil out of ‘The Office’ as a slimy lawyer who ends up getting it in the tunnel, but not in a good way.

There was probably a good film in here somewhere but it wasn’t the effort that ended up on the screen. Having the baddies as a bunch of suits was never going to pay off and the idea that they’d leverage the company to bankruptcy on a flimsy deal was totally unbelievable. Oh wait…

THE Tag Line : Overdrawn Bank Yarn Yields Little Interest 54%