No. 251 : The Outfit (2022)

 

The Outfit at the IMDb

 

After a long hiatus the Definite Article Movie Blog returns! The ‘W Movie Blog’ has also had a recent entry and the long awaited Michael Shannon Blog, ‘Michael Shannon and On and On’ is coming soon. It is truly a golden age of unread blogingness!

I picked this film up on Netflix, mainly because it featured Johnny Flynn whom I recently enjoyed in a cinema screening of the play ‘The Motive and the Cue’. He played Richard Burton in that and gave good Welshness. In this one he plays gangster against Mark Rylance’s tailor, sorry cutter.

The film feels like a play itself, with only a couple of sets and the action all taking place over a few days, and in mainly during one night in 1950’s Chicago. Rylance is excellent as Leonard an English tailor who has set up shop in The Windy City, citing the advent of blue jeans in London as his reason for his move. We later learn that there was more than denim behind his emigration, but from the start he’s a simple and quietly spoken man going about his work.

The film opens with a voice over as we witness Rylance making a suit. We learn of the various fabrics involved and the skilled and complex process behind the making of a bespoke garment. He corrects people when he is described as a tailor, whom mainly do alterations – he’s a cutter who cuts out the many shapes of fabric needed for a suit, before stitching them together.

As he goes about his business various shady men appear and drop off envelopes in a locked box at the back of the shop. It’s not clear what’s going on initially, but Rylance just minds his own business. Some of the envelopes bear a distinctive mark which we learn is that of ‘the outfit’. This is a shady organisation, seemingly started by Al Capone, and the local low level gangsters think that they may soon merit an invite to the top table.

We learn that Rylance’s first customer was a mob boss and he has since dressed all manner of underworld figures. There is however an issue as there is a rat in the organisation and ‘the outfit’ has sent over a copy of audio tape that fingers the suspect.

The tape sets in motion a night of violence and double crosses as gangster Flynn and the boss’s son try to work out who the rat is. Gun play and double crosses ensue, and soon rival mob bosses are in the back shop - and they’re not after a new pair of trousers.

Who is the rat? And what other secrets does the mild mannered cutter have in store for us?

This was a superior offering that passed me by on it’s cinema release. The whole production is played out like a theatre offering and I don’t think much was lost with a Netflix viewing at home. Rylance does his usual excellent work and he was ably assisted by a fine supporting cast.

The film kept me guessing and, despite it’s single set staging, it never seemed limited or unambitious. The dialogue crackled along and I like how Rylance’s true character slowly emerged as the film wore on. The twists were well realised and fully earned and I liked the cut of this one’s cloth overall.

THE Tag Line : A Cut Above 74%

No.231 : The Woodsman (2004)

 

The Woodsman at the IMDb

It’s a brave choice to have a convicted paedophile as your protagonist especially when it’s a self confessed one like Walter, who still has the urge.

Walter has zero degrees of Kevin Bacon and we meet him as he’s discharged from prison from a 12 year stretch for child molestation. He picks up his old job at a woodworking factory with his former boss’s son letting him know he needs to keep it zipped up.

Walter also checks in with his therapist, blog favourite Michael Shannon, and gets visited by slow talking cop Mos Def, who doesn’t believe that Walter, or indeed any kiddie fiddler, is capable of being reformed.

The woodworking shop seems a great place to work, as the creepy Walter quickly gets two ladies coming onto him. He rebuffs the first’s offer of a chicken sandwich but ends up in bed with the second, Bacon’s real life wife Kyra Sedgwick. He has made the right choice, but the spurned chicken sandwich lady makes trouble for Walter by letting his past be known to all.

Strangely Walter’s new flat looks onto a children’s play park, but it is just the correct number of feet from him to be deemed safe. It also lets him watch the children and a suspect bloke he christens ’Candy’ who is taking an unnatural interest in the little boys - takes one to know one is clearly the message.

Walter’s relationship takes a stumble when he confesses to Kyra about his past but they get back together when he reveals details of his sordid activities - having little girls sit on you lap apparently isn’t so bad. Can Walter escape his urges and will he turn from villain to hero as Candy graduates from sweetie distribution to full on molesting?

This was a difficult film to watch, with some uncomfortable scenes, but overall it was excellent and thought provoking. I liked how Walter wasn’t drawn in black and white and Bacon did well showing his character struggling with his urges. At first we thought he’d reformed but there was a scene near the end where he skirts close to the edge which will have you watching it through your fingers.

Shannon was underused and wore a bad wig and I wasn’t buying Mos Def as the copper, but the rest of the cast were great as was the writing which kept me guessing. The film could have gone a couple of ways, but I liked the outcome and the hope for redemption. ‘The Woodcutter’ of the title is the man who frees the children from the wolf’s stomach - is Walter the axe man or the wolf?

The lines drawn weren’t clear and, although a self confessed nonce, you still retained some sympathy for Walter and his unhealthy struggles which is testament to the quality of the writing and the sizzling performance from Bacon.

Not an easy watch, but a worthwhile and thought provoking one.

The Tag Line - Got Wood? Run Away! 74%

No.226 : The Yards (2000)

 

The Yards at the IMDb

You may have thought that E.U. rules would have demanded that this film be renamed ‘The Metres’ but fear not - the yards referred to are train yards, rather than units of measurement.

The film opens with a young looking Markie Mark heading home to Queens from a stint in prison. He was actually 29 when this was made and is the same age as me so it must just be a good vintage.

His family has a party for him and he is collared by his parole officer who needs him to get a job. He meets with his uncle James Caan who suggests a two year apprenticeship so that he can get a proper job. Not fancying this Markie hooks up with his friend Jaoquin Phoenix who works for Caan and seems to have loads of cash. He also has Markie’s old flame Charlize heron as a girlfriend.

Jaoquin explains that he is a fixer who wins contracts for Caan’s train fitting business. Of course this is done by way of bribes and smashing up his opposition’s rolling stock. He takes Markie along on a job that sees the yard manager refuse to play ball which results in Jaoquin stabbing him to death. Meanwhile altered by the alarm pressed by the yard manager a cop confronts Markie about his presence in the yard after dark. After a scuffle the cop is in a coma and sharp focus is drawn on the antics of Cann’s outfit and in the train tendering process in general.

Things deteriorate for Markie after he chickens out of finishing off the now conscious cop in his hospital bed, and gets fingered for the beating as well. Caan and the crew wash their hands of him and soon he is a marked man, especially after Jaoquin pins the murder on him too, after he learns that Charlize may like the Funky Bunch front man more than him.

With a large corruption investigation underway can Markie escape taking the blame and will the widespread corruption help to save his ass?

This was a decent offering but at the end it felt a bit slight and insubstantial. The story would have worked better as a mini series, as the sequence of events seemed hurried and unlikely. Markie basically goes for a job and on the first night is on the run for murder - maybe bed him in a bit and show us how things usually operate?

The settings and characters were familiar with the gritty realism of ‘Gone Baby Gone’ and ‘The Drop’ plain to see. It could have done with a Casey Affleck or similar in one of the leads as Markie and Jaoquin both looked like they were playing dress up. The larger cast was better despite James Caan’s poor moustache and Fay Dunaway’s poor fainting.

I’m not sure if this was a morality tale or just a slice of life but I wasn’t buying it. Markie seemed a bit of a scumbag and his resistance to a straight job left him being unsympathetic when circumstances went against him.

The big finale seemed a bit daft and I’m sure the police wouldn’t let a murder suspect out of their sight never mind let him weasel his way out of a air tight collar. I guess the message was that corruption goes to all levels, but it made for an unsatisfying conclusion that mirrored the rest of the film.

THE Tag Line - One Train You Can Miss 60%

No.216 : The Chameleon (2010)

The Chameleon at the IMDb

Sometimes you see a story on the news and think ‘That’ll make an interesting film!’. Other times you go with ‘mmm, that’s interesting, I wonder if ‘Tipping Point is on?’ This film falls squarely into the second category. It’s a decent set up, based on a true story, but not a lot happens and things panned out pretty much as I expected from the off.

The film tries to be interesting by jumping about with the narrative timeline but ultimately it’s about someone faking an identity and getting caught doing it. There are the motivations of the various characters to consider, such  as to how they allowed this to happen but ultimately, who cares? The films tries and fails to inject some drama and insight into proceedings but it ends up with all the excitement of a ‘Crimewatch’ re-enactment.

The films opens in 2006 with Famke Janssen’s FBI agent trawling the bayou in Louisiana, presumably for a body. Before anything happens we jump back to 2000 and a boy being found in the street claiming he had escaped from kidnappers who had held him since 1996. He says he is an American boy who had gone missing in 1996 and, given he knows the names of all of the missing boy’s family, he is reinstated to them.

The sister greets him with open arms, the brother less so. The mother, played by a scuzzy Ellen Barkin, isn’t keen at first but soon starts to confide in her ‘son‘. No one seems to worry about the boy’s change in appearance or his new French accent and no one apart from Janssen who smells a rat. She thinks the brother killed his missing sibling and his acceptance of this interloper is proof that he has something to hide. Sister and mother both have their own issues and this new transplant offers an answer to some of their problems.

After an hour Janssen, like the viewer, gets bored of all the hanging around and arranges a DNA test which proves the missing son is in fact a serial French con man, who has multiple identities. He gets charged with the impersonation but can his new foothold in the family generate any new leads into the case of the missing boy? Before long we are back at the bayou where we started - will something get resolved at last?

I wasn’t impressed by this film and had nothing invested in any of the paper thin characters. Druggie Mum Barkin was like Seymour Skinner’s Mum accepting Armin Tamzarian into her home despite all the evidence to the contrary. The sister , who was an awful actor, was just plain needy and the violent and  potentially murderous brother carried all the threat of a Teletubby.

Famke had a thankless task going through the detective motions and you have to wonder why they bothered. We knew from the start he was a big faker and even though it was a true story it beggared belief that the police would accept the ‘missing’ boy’s story at face value, especially as all his knowledge of ‘his’ family was freely available on the internet.

I think the story would have been better served as a documentary, as the dramatic elements  that were introduced didn’t take and stuck out like a sore thumb. If you need to know about this thin tale I’d recommend the Wikipedia page over this dull 90 minute hash of the facts.

THE Tag Line - He Came, He Faked He Went Away -  45%

No.215 : The Driver (1978)

The Driver at the IMDb

One of the better known definitive films now, as we delve into this noirish 1978 effort, that sees Ryan O’Neal’s titular driver takes on Brue Dern’s Detective.

I hadn’t seen this in a while and it struck me by how much style wins over substance. The film is relatively short at 91 minutes, and large sections of that are taken up with car chases or moody silences. O’Neal doesn’t say a word for the first 15 minutes and only has 350 words of wisdom in the whole film - dark and moody type you understand.

The film opens with a casino heist and the ensuing car chase get away. More cop cars get trashed than in a ‘Blues Brothers’ marathon but our man gets away. The criminals he’s working with were late and won’t see Ryan on anther job as a result. His rules have kept him out of prison so far. This time however there is a witness, and manic cop Dern is keen to collar ‘The Cowboy’, as he calls O’Neal due to his love of Country & Western music.

The witness fails to pick O’Neal from a line up but we later learn that she’s been paid off to provide O’Neal with an alibi. The witness, played by Isabelle Adjani, doesn’t say much either and prefers to stare a lot.

Dern decides that he won’t catch O’Neal by playing fair so after capturing a hapless trio of robbers he offers them a deal - one more job with O’Neil as the driver and they can walk away. This generous offer is accepted despite the protests of Dern’s underlings - is he becoming obsessed? You bet.

The robbery goes down, but there are double crosses and bag switches galore before we learn who, if anyone, is going to drive off into the sunset.

Directed by Walter Hill this film is a lot like his next project ‘The Warriors’ although not as good. O’Neil tries to do broody and interesting but he and Adjani look like they have lost their scripts in most of their scenes, with you almost shouting at the screen for them to spit it out. Dern is better as the obsessed policeman and no one can out stare him in what is largely a staring contest throughout.

Of course all the memorable scenes are the car chases and you get two good ones for your money as well as a Merc getting trashed in a parking garage -  and a bus ride too. I did get a sense that the footage had been sped up somewhat but the pace was excellent, with a real sense of danger. New York City planners should however be criticised for having a large ramp on every corner that flips cars over - that’s plain dangerous.

With very little script and no romance this is a slight affair, but there are enough good scenes in the short run time to keep you occupied. You don’t buy into any of the characters and no back-story or even real names are offered. I think the film was trying to be a sort of parable or morality tale, with the characters irredeemable and all wearing the same clothes throughout, like they are characters from a comic book.

Not one that will live long in the memory once the tyre screeching has dissipated but some excellent driving stunts make it all worthwhile.

THE Tag Line - Drive Don’t Talk!  68%

No.203 : The Judge (2014)

The Judge at the IMDb

Alas this isn’t another film about Judge Dredd, but an overlong court room drama starting Robert Downey Jnr and Robert Duvall, who we recently saw in the more enjoyable The Outfit.

Downey plays Hank, a slick lawyer who will defend any client no matter how sleazy. He earns the big bucks and has a cute daughter, but his marriage has failed and he is estranged from his family. As a big case is about to close and just as Hank moves in for the kill, he gets a call to advise that his mother has died. The court adjourns and Hank heads back to his sleepy Indiana birthplace for the funeral.

He drives in a new truck, that looks for all the world as product placement, before meeting up with his two brothers, including a fat Vincent D’Onofrio, and his father Duvall, who was the town’s judge for 40 odd years. Hank has a drink and a squeeze with an attractive barmaid before meeting up with his old flame Vera Farmiga who you’ll know from ‘Up in the Air’. We learn that Hank went out to a concert one night and never came back, but fortunately Vera is most forgiving.

Hank gets a lift from Vera ,after falling off his bike, and he meets her daughter who just happens to be the barmaid he had kissyface with. She’s on break from law school and there is a brief suggestion that Hank may be her father.

Meanwhile damage is found to the front of Duvall’s car and he’s charged with killing a man by knocking him off his bike. It turns out the victim was a criminal whom Duvall had treated leniently but had gone onto kill a young girl. Duvall can’t remember the hit and run and is suffering from cancer and early onset dementia. Hank agrees to defend his Dad with the aid of Dax Shepard’s idiot lawyer, and they are soon up against Billy Bob Thornton, who has a score to settle against Hank.

Will the old man go down? Well what happens is…Objection! Watch it yourself or you can guess. You’ll probably get it right!

This was a decent effort but at 140 minutes it was too long. A lot of time was spend charting Duvall’s demise and to be honest I don’t need to see him shitting himself and getting showered down. It may have been a touching moment of weakness for a proud man, but I’d have been happy with a tell don’t show scenario here.

Hank’s journey was predictable as he started to see both sides of an argument to the extent that he was pondering taking over the judge’s chair at the end. The courtroom scenes were decent as the unbreakable case was slowly picked apart. There was too much of ’Objection your honour’ and too much latitude given when they started yelling out random stuff with the judge happy to see where it went.

The conclusion was balanced to some degree, with everyone winning but also losing, and with justice seeming to be served. Downey did his usual good show but if he donned the Iron Man armour half way though you wouldn’t be surprised. I could have done with more of Dax in his David Pleat suit, and it was a shame he didn’t get enough to do to earn ‘Employee of the Month’ this time around.
The will they won’t they love story didn’t go anywhere and the lovely Vera seemed a bit desperate.

There was some growth, some reconciliation and some redemption but alas too little editing. Trim an hour and you’d have a neat 90 minute drama rather than this meandering and bloated soap opera.

THE Tag Line : You are Judged to be Too Long!  67%

No.202 : The Gangster (1947)

The Gangster at the IMDb

Those poor saps at the ‘W’ Movie Blog just endured a film from 1946:  'Whistle Stop Review'

Nothing so ancient here at the progressive Definitive Article Blog - this one’s from 1947.

We open with some narration as was the style back then. Our anti-hero Shubunka tells us he runs the seafront and has nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to fear. That’ll change! He has a fancy apartment and a big scar on his face - no worries though, as in close ups you can see it’s clearly stuck on. The nature of his rackets isn’t clear but it looks like protection although it’s probably drugs and hookers, but they aren’t allowed to say.

He works one soda fountain with Jammey, who is scared that toughs are moving in on some of their locations. Eye watering damage estimated at $120 has been caused and Jammey is worried that Shabs has taken his eye off the ball as he has nice things and a showgirl girlfriend. He certainly has a point, as we see the dead eyed Shabs throw furs and jewellery at the mostly disinterested but wonderfully named Nancy Starr.

Shabs doesn’t trust Nancy and after she tells a tall tale about a sick baby he tails her to a meeting with an agent. She’s clearly scared of our man but likes the stuff, thank you very much.

Elsewhere in the soda fountain, which must double as a soap opera, one chap plans to woo an older lady called Olga whilst another is in danger of losing his shirt to the bookies. The cashier has contempt for Shabs and some toughs are at the door looking to smash the place up!

Temperatures start to rise when Shabs agrees to an ill advised trip to the beach. It’s so hot he has to unbutton his suit jacket and he gets shaken down by a couple of great caricature gangsters. He again suspects Nancy has given their location away and has to try and bargain with the toughs. He ends up in front of the winnable kingpin, Cornell who tells him he’s taking over. Shabs plans to flee town with Nancy and come back to reclaim what’s his with some hired muscle. But who can he trust? Nancy? Jammey? Anyone?

This was quality entertainment that has plenty of unintentional laughs and a good take on issues like morality and honour. Shabs was clearly a shit, but he was our shit and Barry Sullivan did well to make us care a wee bit about such a horrible character. To be fair you never saw Shabs beating anyone up, with all his violence implied in his steely gaze and hand clenching. Clearly he wasn’t shy about letting folk have it, but at the end he was moaning that he wasn’t nasty enough to stay on top.

The ‘B’ and ‘C’ plots were similar in that the characters struggled with their own vices, be they women or gambling. Neither turned out well so the moral of the story was don’t do anything that could remotely be considered as fun.

I liked Belita as the femme fatale Nancy who got to sing a song but appeared to forget half of the words. She was a right cow throughout and it was funny when her betrayal was rewarded with hee-haw.

There were a lot of good character actors on show, and although everyone was smart and wore a tie and hat, there was a nice air of malevolence around a lot of them.

Things panned out as you’d probably guess but it was a fun visit to the seamy side of town, where life is cheap and the dames don’t put out, even when you’ve spent $7.80 on them.

THE Tag Line : Crime Doesn’t Pay - For Long  : 75%

No.191 : The Trust (2016)

The Trust at the IMDb

This is one of five films made by Nicholas Cage in 2016, so you know it has to be good, what with all that practice. ‘The Trust’ is probably best known as the final film of Jerry Lewis, but he has barely a minute on screen.

The film opens with two Las Vegas policemen starting their day. Cage’s Jim is meticulous and organised whereas his friend David (Froddo) is having sex with a hooker and smoking drugs. The pair work at the evidence locker and plan ways of making a big score to get out.

Cage is disrespected by his corrupt seniors who want the best pickings from the evidence locker from themselves. He has a look over a drug dealer’s car and sees that his $200k bail was paid by cash. He thinks that the dealer works for a rich operation and decides to go undercover, on his own time as a hotel waiter, so he can follow his target’s activities.

Woods meanwhile stakes out the target’s apartment and they discover that goods go in but none come out. They also find a large safe in the plans for the building and make plans to rob it. There is a bit of planning and a reveal that Cage may not be as nice as he seems at first.

The robbery goes poorly from the off as the occupants in the flat above aren’t immediately agreeable to being the base for the drilling operation, with one chap getting shot and the lady being chained up. The plan to burrow into the safe goes well, despite an issue with the drill, and soon they are in the vault which holds a lot more than anticipated. Wood gets cold feet and starts to worry about what Cage has planned for him. Cage starts to display his trademark mania and we just know that both are not going to get clean away.

This was a decent, workmanlike heist movie that tapered off towards the end. I quite liked the planning stages and Ethan Suplee’s Russian roulette loving policeman. I liked that when they went for plans or when they ordered the drill that they were immediate thought to be crooked, despite their elaborate cover story.

The heist was less good with it starting wordlessly like ‘Riffifi’ and being overlaid by some Grieg. This couldn’t last however and it quickly spiralled down to a lot of shouting and double crosses. The twist at the end was well handled with the moment of realisation being a solid ‘Ahhh’ realisation as it all became apparent.

The characters weren’t overly deep, with their motivations not being clear - since when was too much money been an issue with a robbery? Just take a wee bit of the loot if it bothers you!

The two leads gelled well at first, but like the plot they kind of lost their way at the end. Wood’s empathy for the hostage wasn’t borne out by what had gone before and his behaviour towards Cage just smacked of ‘this will surprise them’.

I do always like a robbery film, especially when the safe door cracks open. In this case however, it was when the money arrived that things fell apart. A decent if uneven effort.

THE Tag Line : Open It! Open It ! Open It! X 10  65%

No.188 : The Rise (2012)

The Rise at the IMDb

Wikipedia tells me that this film was called ‘Wasteland’ for its North American release, which means that it is the first cross blog feature that we have watched. Both posters are attached but I’ll go with ‘The Rise’ as that was the title card on the version I watched on Film4.

It’s a British film so obviously it deals with drugs, crime, sink estates and respect. It would be nice to see some sci-fi or even a light heated period comedy, but bad slags are cheap so that’s what the British film industry will go with.

The film opens with a beaten up young man talking to Barry off ‘Auf Wiedersein Pet’. Barry has retrained as a police detective and he’s interviewing Harvey, a young man recently released from a year long stretch for dealing drugs. We go the familiar non-linear narrative route, so he tells Barry that it’s a long story and we soon dissolve to a flashback ‘six months before’…

Harvey is a chatty chap and provides a lot of narration about the drugs trade in his estate. He’s supposedly clean, but the local drug lord gets him sent down for a year so that  the police make their quota and the drug lord can be left in peace. After getting out, Harvey decides to get his own back on the drug lord with his crew of three friends, including Ramsay Bolton.

All three are struggling but soon take to Harvey’s plan to rob the drug lord of his takings and to invest the money in a hash café in Amsterdam - it’s good that they have worthy ambitions. He also has to reconnect with his nurse girlfriend, who’s a bit tiresome, and to train the gang so as to flesh out the plot so that enough time passes before we return to Barry in the interview room where all the clever twists are explained.

‘The Rise’ of the title is a working man’s club, and Harvey heard in prison that they have a safe with loads of cash in it. If this seems like a flimsy prospect for a job it also serves as the premise of the film, so keep quiet.

The gang hone their skills in a manner of elaborate an ultimately pointless ways before the heist is on. Will they get the cash and a new worthless life, or will the mild drug lord win the day?

If you liked ‘Oceans 11, 12 and 13’ you may like this, but be warned, it’s ‘Ocean’s 0.5’ at best. The heist is pretty straightforward and although it seemingly goes off the rails, there was never any doubt that a few planned wrong foots would save the day.

The characters were all wafer thin, with it being a mistake to hang the whole film on Harvey who was dull and unengaging. I didn’t care if he got the money or the girl and the whole enterprise was like a bunch of rats fighting over a rotten chicken leg.

Ramsay was a bit underused with this clunker coming out a year before he started in ‘Game of Thrones’. I’m guessing this effort was left off his CV.

There wasn’t much in the way of invention and I didn’t believe in the actions of Barry’s police detective who seemed to make a call on judgement rather than base his decision on the evidence. It looked like he only worked a day on the film, so he probably just wanted to get home.

You may find some form of entertainment hidden within this mess but to be honest I wasn’t engaged at all and the big revelations barely registered on the ‘So what’ meter. These criminals feeding off each other features do nothing for me, and if they were all sucked into a black hole after five minutes I’d have no complaints.

Overall a workmanlike British heist that failed to deliver the goods.

THE Tag Line : Get Your Bad Slags Here!  43%

No.180 : The Mack (1973)

The Mack at the IMDb

The Urban Dictionary describes a ‘Mack’ as a ladies’ man or a pimp. In this film it’s definitely the latter with Goldie being our main man. The film opens with Goldie getting arrested after a botched robbery he attempts with Richard Pryor, and getting five years in the joint.

Time flies and soon he’s back on the streets with ambitions to takes back what’s his, as well as lots of other stuff that isn’t his. The film is decidedly un PC with every character a racist bigot and that’s just the decent ones. Goldie’s plan is to get some broads or ‘bitches’ as he puts it, and to put them to work on the streets. Rather than feel exploited the women flock to have Goldie as their man.

He soon has a harem of ten ladies of the night on his payroll, with each earning him $100 a night (in 1973 money!). This allows him to indulge in a funny montage where he gets the best pimp gear and a fly Cadillac.

Not all is good however, with the two cops who arrested Goldie at the start trying to muscle in on his action and ‘The Fat Man’, the local Mr Big, also trying to get him in line.

We see some halcyon days with a pimp’s baseball match and barbecue (really!) as well as the ‘Playa of the Year’ awards where Goldie comes out on top. Goldie is also able to get his Mom out of the ghetto and into a harbour side apartment, whilst also having a hot white girlfriend. Can he hold it all together or will the lifestyle choices he has made come back to haunt him?

This was an outrageously un PC film by today’s standards with being caught with a copy of the script no doubt being a hate crime. It was almost exactly like ‘I’m Gonna Git Ya Sucker’ but funnier despite that one being a spoof. The clothes were amazing with Goldie’s gold bowler hat and cape combo a thing of beauty.

Goldie was a terrible person, with his exploitation of women and murders only slightly worse than his dress sense. At times he was painted in almost Robin Hood terms, but when he’s running classes in robbery and brainwashing women in a Planetarium it’s hard to cheer him on. There is some payback and reflection when various members of his posse and family get hit, but it’s played in such a cartoon fashion that it’s hard to really care.

I did like all the white villains such as the cops who, although corrupt, were also seen in a bad light for arresting Goldie for the big shoot out at the start. He was no angel and five years seemed a bit light. The Fat Man was a terrible overlord and it was no surprise that he fell for the old blind accordion player trick.

Max Julien in the lead was cool, but I wasn’t convinced by his powers of threat or menace. He looked like a nice man stuck in a funny hat and given reams of terrible dialogue to read out.

The film is a good laugh and a historical oddity. It does nothing for race relations with the African American community portrayed as mostly savage and backstabbing. All the whites were horrible too, so at least there was balance. Overall, one to watch and enjoy but also to burn if you get a knock on the door from some woke activists.

THE Tag Line : I Wanna See Assholes & Elbows! 60%

No.151 : The Outsider (2018)

The Outsider at the IMDb

The regular reader of this blog will remember that we have twice before visited the genre of ‘round eye in Japan’ in The Challenge and The Yakuza. Both these films were decent with the usual cultural differences played out to give a bit of drama as well as stuff being chopped off.

This entry in to the increasingly busy genre stars Jared Leto as the only non-Japanese in an Osaka prison. We don’t know his back-story but he has a bushy beard so it may be something to do with razor blades. He has a lowly job in the prison and has to defer to the Yakuza gangster inmates who are identifiable by their extensive tattoos.

Leto’s character ‘Nick’ saves one man from a hanging and later assists in an escape attempt when he helpfully calls the guards when his cell mate slices open his belly. The local Yakuza clan thank Nick for his efforts and get him out of jail. They also give him a job, but not one with many prospects as it involves braining an unhelpful American factory owner with a typewriter.

His new bosses are impressed and soon Leto has a suit and a tattoo of his own. His clan aren’t the strongest however, with some rivals trying to muscle in on their territory. Nick stops one incursion but has to give up two fingers when his ageing boss send over the digits as an apology rather than risk a war. That’ll be the end of his fledgling ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ career.

Nick’s family’s troubles suggest there is a rat in the camp and when it’s revealed to be his boss there is no surprise whatsoever. This nasty piece of work also makes moves on Nick’s girlfriend who is pregnant and is also involved in a big pow-wow at the docks which was a bad plan from the off. Elsewhere Nick’s back story is touched upon when he bumps into an old army colleague who suggests Nick’s appearance is a surprise and may be of interest to the military. I wouldn’t be taking any invites home if I was that guy!

With a big showdown looming who can we trust and will Nick manage to win the respect of a frankly odious bunch of gangsters?

This film started out well but lost it’s way, with the ending being a right load of old cobblers. The main failing was the character of Nick himself. It’s thinly written with no backstory at all. This starts off OK with Nick being all intense and mysterious but later on, with nothing revealed, you can be forgiven for wondering ‘Why should I care?’. We don’t know why Nick is in jail , looking like the ghost of David Bellamy, and we don’t know why he’s attracted to the Yakuza - maybe it’s the suits and the staring.

Although a Netflix film, the production is lavish with post war Japan brilliantly realised. There are plenty of gory slayings and some brutal finger choppings, none of which I could watch. Even the ‘thunk’ as the blade slices through - urrgh!

It’s not clear what the girl sees in Nick who is clearly certifiable. The Yakuza all seem quite welcoming too apart from the usual ‘white dog’ insults. Maybe they just see him as someone not scared of doing the dirty work.

I don’t think I learned anything here and the entertainment value was negligible. None of the characters engaged with me and for all his starey silences Nick just came across as a rudderless psycho with the charisma of a stale won-ton. The Japanese henchmen were mostly subtitled apart from when they tried a bit of English, but you wished those bits had been subtitled too.

You get all the usual gubblins about honour, but of course they are all stabbing each other in the back, or slicing the throat to be more exact, every chance they get.

The film is nice to look at but a strong win for style over substance.

The Tag Line : I’ll just slice that for you…

55%

No.148 : The Laundromat (2019)

The Laundromat at the IMDb

This is bound to be good; Steve Soderbergh directing Meryl Streep in a film about losing socks and using the wrong type of fabric conditioner.

What? It’s a metaphor for the financial system? Well, OK then.

The film starts with Gary Oldman and Antonio Banderas giving us a pretty patronising lecture about the nature of money. This is well done as they wander past cave men and end up in a fancy nightclub. It’s not clear who there are or why they are adopting funny accents but more will be revealed.

The film proper opens with Meryl and her husband James Cromwell going on a nice lake cruise, but things go quickly awry when the boat sinks leaving James at the bottom. Guess they shouldn’t have had the T1000 Terminator run the excursion! Meryl isn’t after the money but she’s shocked when she finds the insurance, which had been arranged by Ross off of ‘Friends’ wasn’t valid. There followed a seemingly dull section about reinsurance, but I quite enjoyed it as that’s my line.

The film is divided into various sections with cool graphics and title cards, and we follow where the insurance premium went and how the system is totally corrupt. Meryl gets a small settlement and advice to take a holiday. She does, but only to Nevis where the shell company who provided the reinsurance is based. She runs into the company owner, Jeffrey Wright, who is too busy working on his terrible Jamaican accent to give her any time. Meryl was wanting to buy a flat in Vegas off Sharon Stone but can’t because of a lack of cash and due to Russians gazumping her with a massive cash bid.

We start to delve deeper into the shady world of shell companies and meet Gary and Antonio in their real form as corrupt bankers. They run thousands of paper companies which have their secretaries as signatories and who have zero ethics or responsibilities. When one secretary dies of a consequence of a dodgy road begat of a corrupt financing scheme another steps into her shoes - this one looks and sounds a bit familiar though? Actually she looks like the Bo’ Selecta version of Lorraine Kelly, but I’m sure it’s just an unusual looking actress.

A further layer of the corrupt world plays out with an African bribe merchant who is having family troubles, owing to him getting friendly with the daughter’s room mate. Surely nothing will bring down this elaborate web of financial dubiety?

I only watched this Netflix film as it started with an ‘L’ but I was glad I went in unaware of its pedigree and subject matter. It was good fun to see a lot of familiar faces albeit in smaller roles that demanded funny accents. It was only after about 70 minutes that the penny dropped and I realised the ‘based on actual secrets’ opening caption may actually have been true for once.

The production was slick from the exotic locations, stellar cast and funky graphics. It covered a lot of similar ground to ‘The Big Short’ but was far more interesting than that. Streep was the back bone of the film and came across well as the swindled widow. Maybe less good in a second role however.

The only problem for me was the preachy end piece with Streep giving an impassioned plea for change. All very good but if I wanted politicking I’d watch panorama!

The film wasn’t scared to break the fourth wall with Oldman and Banderas wandering in and out of scene to explain stuff and show their shady influence. I also liked them breaking the fourth wall to reveal that director Soderbergh had five companies of his own. This kind of undermined the premise of the film as those involved are no doubt in the 1% paying the very least amount of tax that they can get away with.

It was however entertaining and revealing and well worth a look.

THE Tag Line : What’s in Your Wallet? 75%

No. 146 : The Joker (2014)

The Joker at the IMDb

No, no , not the recent Joaquin Phoenix film ‘Joker’. That lacks the definitive article and is frankly a bit too popular for this blog.

I found ‘The Joker’ on Amazon Prime and watched it in all innocence. It was only afterwards, when I did my always thorough research, that I found out the film was originally called ‘Poker Night’ and presumably rebadged to cash in on the ‘Joker’ film. Having seen ‘Poker Night’ er, ‘The Joker’ I have to say ‘Poker Night’ is the better title given that it centres around a poker night, ‘joker’ is never mentioned, even in the playing card context, and even the clown make up seen in the poster above doesn’t actually appear in the film. Still cash ins are nothing new and it may be that the film will stand up on it’s own merits. Not a promising start though!

The film has a non-linear narrative with the predictable first shot of our hero, Detective Stan Jeter, who is played by a guy whose previous biggest credit was ‘Scary Movie 3, covered in blood and being surrounded by cops as he lies on the ground. ‘Let me tell you how I got here’ he says to no one asking the question.

We pull back and learn that Jeter is a newly promoted Detective. He cracked a big case and, given his new role, has been invited along to the detective only poker game by his mentor, Hellboy himself Ron Perlman. This is some poker game as it also includes Gus Fring, the boy friend out of ‘Drop Dead Fred’ and the guy off  ‘Bosch’, which I haven’t seen. The cops all spend their time giving the rookie the wealth of their experience by way of reminiscing about their best cases and arrests. These sequences are well done as the scene dissolves to show the adventure with Jeter transported into the action as the teller of the tale narrates.

Our hero manages to get himself kidnapped after he leaves the poker game and spends much of the film trapped in the bad guy’s basement. At this point we have only heard one of the detectives’ stories but we hear the rest as our hero drifts in and out of delirium and remembers them in the hope finding a way out of his predicament. Also held captive is Jeter’s young girlfriend and we have doubts over his integrity, given his relationship with her and about what we learn of his career making bust.

After several near escapes and messy interventions by well meaning, but totally hopeless, would be helpers we have to wonder, can our man get out?, who is the bad guy? and how many more films can be ripped off, er, homaged?

Despite a lot reasons not to, I quite enjoyed this film. For a start the cast was good. Say what you like, but a few familiar ’B’ list faces always keeps your interested, especially if a grisly fate awaits them. That said, the lead lacked any kind of empathy and failed to get much of a reaction from me, even when he was peeling his superglued face off a wall. 

The plot was basically lifted wholesale from the ’Saw’ films but that’s not to say they didn’t also steal from loads of others as well, such as ’V for Vendetta’,  the Nolan Batmen and that James McAvoy one where he gets superpowers.

The narrative jumped all over the place but the editing was good enough that you could keep up. There was a lot of exposition voiceover dialogue added in however ,so maybe that’s how I kept on the page. There were some nice touches such as the bad guy recounting his younger days which, when seen in flashback, saw him still wearing his mask throughout. This was amusing and also held the mystery - because he’s bound to be one of the several characters we’ve met already . Surly?!

Other highlights were Gus Fring in a Pringle jumper and the bad guy getting all his murder tips from Discovery Channel documentaries - yeah no nutter has ever been inspired by torture porn films!

There were a few grisly deaths and  some pretty brutal tortures but none so extreme that made a big wuss like me wince. It was a throwaway bit of derivative nonsense, but it was well enough made and with just enough to keep you interested for the 105 minute run time. I just hope they don’t make good on the potential sequel. Still they could call that ‘Jurassic Park 5’ and see if they can get away with that!

THE Tag Line : No, Not That One 67%

No. 129 : The Destructors (1974)

 The Destructors @ the IMDb

 This film is also known as ‘The Marseilles Contract’ which might be a better and more relevant title but until we start doing a French cities movie blog ‘The Destructors’ it is. Hmmm ‘Dunkirk’, ‘Paris, Texas’, ’Bergerac’.. that idea has potential!

Anyway a side project of watching a lot of Michael Caine films drew me to this effort that has rightly been forgotten. It was made in 1974 in the middle of Caine’s ‘Paycheque first, script second’ phase, and it shows through the mercifully short 89 minutes run time.

The film opens with a man being crushed to death by a big Citroen. The man must have eaten too many croissants as the car is hardly moving before it pins him to a wall and crushes the life from him. Alas the script must have been in his pocket as any signs of life in that are extinguished too - and we‘ve not had the credits yet!.

We learn that the flattened citizen is in fact a U.S. D.E.A. agent who was on the trail of James Mason’s drug baron, Brizard. Mason has protection from on high and beleaguered policeman Anthony Quinn decides to hire an assassin to take him down. He is somewhat surprised when the assassin turns out to be Michael Caine - well wouldn’t you be?

We have already met Caine who was bedecked in double denim and shown to be a man of culture - we know this as he fixes his hi-fi so he can play Beethoven’s 5th while a tarty lady lies in his bed. Caine takes on the hit and proceeds to seduce Mason’s daughter so he can get into the inner sanctum - and into Mason’s house too.

The two men get on well and Caine does the odd job for Mason such as tossing an enemy off a half constructed building - just like he did to Alf Roberts in ‘Get Carter’! News of a big drugs shipment heading to Marseilles brings things to the boil and we have to wonder who Caine’s loyalties lie with and why are two Englishmen and a Greek causing al this bother to the poor old French.

This was a terrible, forgettable film with only a couple of minor, unintended, laughs to save it from being a complete washout. Caine plays himself, as usual, and sports some hideous outfits including shades at night and a red and black leather jacket that looks like a refugee from the ‘Thriller ‘ video. He’s not in the best of shape and puffs his way through the ‘action’ sequences - except when the stuntman takes over. Indeed, one of the highlights was a totally pointless motorcycle scene where the least convincing stuntman double since ‘The Omega Man’ does wheelies about some Parisian streets.

The plot is unnecessarily complex with Caine’s infiltration angle totally pointless - never heard of a sniper rifle Mike? Given the ending, a ticket to the dancing would have served just as well too! There is a half decent car chase cum seduction scene that was later replicated in ‘Goldeneye’ but it was telling of the budget that the only car that was destroyed was an old Citroen that the Luftwaffe missed.

From the title down this film is a baffling mess and totally merits James Mason’s constant disparaging look of ‘Oh I’ve just stepping in a turd’ - starred in one more like!

THE Tag Line : Hit Man Misses the Mark 35%

No.103 : The Man (2005)

The Man at the IMDb

Samuel L Jackson and Eugene Levy star in this alleged comedy that marries the familiar plots of ‘fish out of water’ and ‘mismatched partners’.

Levy play Andy, a nervous Wisconsin dental supplies salesman who is travelling to Detroit for a convention. His supportive family wish him well as he practices his speech and warn him of the dangers of the mean streets of Michigan. Meanwhile Jackson’s detective partner has been murdered and he’s out for revenge.

Jackson bullies $20k from a fat evidence clerk and arranges a meeting with a dodgy gun dealer. Jackson fails to find the USA Today he needs to signal his contact and wouldn’t you know it? Levy is already at the meeting place diner reading the self same newspaper. Strangely the paper alone is enough to convince the gun runner that Levy is his buy and he hands him a phone and gun as a taster. This unlikely scenario means that Levy is embroiled in the sting and he has to team up with Jackson to solve the case.

Initially Levy is shy and nervous and Jackson rough and tough but soon the two start to learn from each other and gain confidence and humility as a result. Yes, it is that crappy. The gunrunner and ruthless killer is laughably Luke Goss out of ‘Bros’ and as you’d guess he exudes all the menace of Elmer Fudd. Like no gunner runner you could imagine Goss sends the unlikely duo across town as he tries to work out if they are cops while Jackson tries to keep the unpredictable Levy onside.

Back at the station the familiar face of  Miguel Ferrer is heading up an investigation of Jackson whom he thinks may be bent. Jackson also has Susie off ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ as his unconvincing boss who tells him to hand in his badge and gun - yeah that’ll work. As we enter the last third seeds are sown that make us wonder if Jackson really is corrupt (he isn’t) and whether Levy will manage to pull of his big speech following his experiences (he does).

Jesus wept,  this is a terrible film. It suffers from virtually every problem a film like this can have from poor script, terrible acting, a famine of laughs and an unbelievable and deeply padded plot. The majority of the film (read : all of it) is totally pointless as it was always ending up with a showdown at the warehouse for the big gun buy. To get us there we have to suffer some execrable scenes where Levy farts a lot and another where he gets shot in the ass and chooses to treat it with taco sauce.

There is no danger whatsoever with cool killer Luke completely out of his depth as the thinly sketched bad guy. The subplot of the internal affairs investigation is also a waste as we know Jackson is innocent mainly because he’s the star but also because we witness Luke carrying out one of the killings pinned on Jackson.

I’m probably looking a bit too deeply into this film which is not something the script writers can be accused of. If they played it straight up comedy you could excuse some of the shortfalls but when they include murders and a mystery element along side and extended farting scene you can tell it’s all over the place.

Levy probably garners half marks as he’s just doing his usual nervous dad shtick but he doesn’t cover himself in glory, not least in the scene his trousers fall down at a busy crossroads - I guess he had a tax bill due. Come to think of it he must get loads of them what with all the straight to DVD ‘American Pie’ films…

Jackson is dreadful as the hard man who isn’t lonely but regrets the deteriorating relationship he has with his ballet dancing 10 year old daughter. He tries to come across as tough but just seems like a bullying dick in every scene. Miguel and Susie have little to do but both will be crossing this effort from their CVs if they have any sense.

I appreciate this isn’t meant to be an awards contender but the low brow laughs, terrible acting and non-existent plot mean it will be regarded as an insult even to the most committed moron. Avoid!

THE Tag Line -  Man, This is awful    25%

No.62 : The Guard (2011)

The Guard at the IMDb

This enjoyable comedy thriller opens as Brendan Gleeson’s jaded Irish police sergeant or ‘Guard’ sits in his police car. We quickly realise that he’s seen it all before when a car load of druggies crash in front of him without him raising an eyebrow. We also get a snapshot of his moral compass as he helps himself to the dead louts’ drugs before dumping the rest so that their mothers won’t learn of their criminal lifestyles.

The film proper opens with our man being called to a murder scene. He has in tow a young constable who would rival Father Dougal in the thickness stakes. The murder scene is peppered with clues such as a ‘5 1/2’ daubed on the wall, but while the protégé thinks it may be the work of a serial killer our man has it down as nothing more than a routine killing.

Despite a tip off the case goes cold until a visiting FBI operative briefs the Irish about a $500 million drug smuggling operation that is likely to land on their patch. Brendan enjoys ripping the piss from the buttoned up American but is taken seriously when he reveals that one of the FBI’s suspects was in fact his murder victim.

As you may guess the tight ass American and the maverick Irishman have to join forces to stop the bad guys and hopefully build some cultural and racial bridges.

Although this film has the set up of an ‘Odd Couple’ cop movie with a ‘fish out of water’ angle thrown in, it does a good job of subverting the genre and giving as some laughs along the way. There aren’t too many surprises but Gleeson’s character is a lot of fun, romping with hookers on his day off and inventing a clever way to turn the tables on a killer - oh the itch!

The American is played with some charm by Don Cheadle and although I didn’t quite buy into his character, he is likable enough to keep you invested. The intended friction between the two leads never really convinced and although frosty for five minutes you never felt that a team up and mutual respect were a long way off.

The threat element is delivered by a trio of drug lords who are more council estate than Columbia. They are lead by the always villainous Mark Strong who is as good a shot as he is a smuggler. They did have a couple of malevolent scenes, but were always just a foil for our two leads to mesh together.

The laughs are liberally sprinkled throughout and some of the second string characters are good value, especially the young lad who finds, and helps himself to, a cache of guns.

The character development was kept to a minimum and it was refreshing that Gleeson remained as boorish and un-PC throughout, despite  Don’s criticisms. The ending was left somewhat enigmatic but there was enough sown throughout the film to assume things will turn out OK.

I enjoyed this film, that offered nothing in the way of surprises but loads in terms of laughs and charm.

THE Tag Line : Guard your hookers and drugs!  72%

No.31 : The Crop (2004)

The Crop at the IMDb

We’re having a short season of Aussie films that are definite articles, have four letters in that definite article and they begin with ‘C’. As you may guess this will be a slightly short season and certainly one with variable quality.

We open with ‘The Crop’ which seems to be a bit of a mystery title, well it is if you use the IMDb for your information. ‘The Crop’ is listed as a futuristic film about a man in a car crash. I must of missed that bit as ‘The Crop’ I saw, which has the same cast, is about a lot of Aussie slobs growing dope. The other film described sounds like far more fun that this pile of crap however.

That said ‘The Crop’ sounds OK from the synopsis point of view, with it having the simple story of a strip club owner trying to get out of debt by growing drugs. I think I can spot the reason for his woes from the off however, as he appears to run the only strip joint on the planet that has a full live band and strippers who seem reluctant to take their tops off. Well ‘Blues Brothers 2000’ had the same idea but that got burnt down by the Russians for being shit. The club, not the film.

When you have a strip club owner / drug dealer as your protagonist you’d think that the producers would seek out a sympathetic and likable lead. It seems strange therefore that they went for an unlikable fat tit instead. Our man has troubles with his tit free titty bar and has the strange moral compunction to let his girls keep their pants on while his rivals go for the full value show.

Added to his troubles are a needy girlfriend and a pair of dozy stereotyped cops on the take. As a means to get out of his financial hole our hero decides to rent a remote farm and grow drugs. So far so morally wrong but let’s go with it, it might be fun with a few lessons learned along the way. Sadly, no. The drugs are seized by bent coppers as soon as they are grown and our man’s partner in crime is nicked. Strangely the cops let the drugs be stolen back and there is an endless chain of events while the drugs are intercepted, treated, stolen, sold etc. etc. We are left to wonder if our sleazy hero will get the cash to save him from the cops and loan sharks or will he get his just desserts in the form of 20 years hard labour.


This is a really terrible film with nothing to redeem it at all. It’s billed as a comedy but there are no laughs at all, as a bunch of nasty characters scrabble about in the dirt for a few bucks. The script is totally witless with the character bypassed lead with the unfeasible pretty girlfriend the least likable front man you’ll ever see. I don’t know if we’re meant to be cheering him on, but I for one was hoping the shot gun blast had taken his head off rather than predictably sprayed him with ketchup.

To flesh out the running time a couple of sub plots are thrown in involving stoners and someone else’s clingy girlfriend - laugh? You never will. The production seemed reasonably well financed with a half decent car crash near the end, but when you can see the stage hands pushing the kangaroo on set you know you aren’t dealing with the next Spielberg here.


I know I come across as a bit moral here and to be honest I don’t like drugs or films that make them seem like comedy currency. I’m not a total wet blanket and enjoy films like the Harold and Kumar adventures, but what they did was make drugs seem ridiculous and funny. This film makes them out to be an economic escape route and totally unfunny. A nasty, negative piece of rubbish that you’d need a pound of reefer to stay the course with. Man.

THE Tag Line : The Crap Is A Failed Harvest 23%

No.30 : The Clearing (2004)

The Clearing at the IMDb

Robert Redford, Helen Mirren and Willem Dafoe star in this under seen but highly watchable kidnap thriller.

Redford plays Wayne, a successful businessman who lives in a fancy home with Helen. He heads off to work and is reminded to be home by six for a dinner party, but never shows up. Mirren has a sleepless night before calling the cops. We then flit back and forth to see how the kidnapping played out while Mirren realises what has happened.

We then join Redford and his kidnapper Dafoe in the titular woodland area where their psychological battle takes place. At the homestead Helen tries to keep a brave face as the FBI unravel their private life, including Robert’s past affairs. She’s helped along by her grown up children who included the annoying English guy out of the ’Goal’ films.

Dafoe, who at first seems a well organised planner, slowly starts to unravel as Redford pries into his past and spots his false moustache. Usually the advice isn’t to antagonise one’s captor or to get information that may later identify them but Dafoe is a regular chatterbox which may not bode well for Redford.

As kidnapper and hostage head towards the hunting lodge where the former’s confederates lie in wait Mirren has to contend to with being the bag woman for the $10 million in diamonds ransom. Will Wayne’s world come crashing down as he attempts a last ditch escape? Will Helen forgive and forget or keep the sparklers? and will our old pal the non-linear narrative have a last card to play?

This film is based on a real life Dutch kidnapping and although this film is peppered with a-listers you do still have a sense of foreboding for Redford’s character throughout. Redford is a well known friend of the definitive movie fan with ‘The Natural’, ‘The Sting’ and ‘The Candidate’ (not heard of that one) all in our future. He’s not a favourite of mine, always appearing to play himself, but he’s certainly got a great body of work behind him.

Speaking of great bodies Helen Mirren does her usual solid work although, shockingly, she keeps her clothes on for most of the film. Dafoe is great as the slightly unhinged kidnapper whose confidence is gradually chipped away by Redford’s sharp talking. I liked his cloudy motivation and unpredictability - the scariest kind of bad guys!

‘The Clearing’ of the title is probably more of a notion of clarity rather than a defined space in the woods as there isn‘t really one shown in the film. There probably was one, like the bit where Wayne put on his trainers but that was hardly a major plot point. Maybe it was referring to someone’s schedule being cleared? Yes, that’ll do it for me.

The triumph of the film is to keep you caring for a womanising, slightly smarmy lead who is on a hook for most of the film. As his life with Mirren is deconstructed by the Feds, and then by the wife who goes to see the mistress, you see that his bravado is all a front and he’s as scared as any of us would be in the situation he finds himself in.

The finale of the ransom drop has the familiar run around town elements with the bad guys always one step ahead, but it’s a welcome step up in pace and the tension generated makes for a fitting climax. As the film flits between the two leads you’re keen to get back to the other one and then back again so a good job done Mr Editor. The ending itself is no great surprise, if you pay attention throughout the film but is no less affecting for all that.

Some may find the pace a bit pedestrian, but I like a slow boiler and if you stick with it to the end you’ll be glad you did.

THE Tag Line : Worth Seeing Is The Clearing 67%

No.24 : The Offence (1973)

The Offence at the IMDb

What’s that? You want a grim 1973 talk fest with beatings and shouting aplenty? Well I think we can accommodate you there…

‘The Offence’ stars Sean Connery in a role that screams ’I’m not James Bond’. He plays Johnston a jaded British detective who has seen one nonce too many. The film opens with a blurry shot of the moustachioed Sean standing over a room full of decked coppers. What follows is a series of scenes that explain how we got there. The narrative isn’t always linear and we get lots of jumps throughout the time line and into Johnston’s past.

The police are on the trail of a kiddie fiddler who has struck twice already. After a failed stake out they are angry to learn that he’s struck a third time but at least now they have a witness. They get their man in the shape of Ian Bannen but although he was in the area and is covered in mud they still need a confession - no DNA profiling or CCTV to nail the case here, CSI followers.

After a few abortive interviews Johnston is left alone with the suspect and things predictably kick off. We don’t immediately learn what went down but we know Johnston has given the nonce a kicking and he’s sent home by his bosses. We follow Johnston home and witness an interminable half hour argument with his wife before he’s mercifully hauled back to the station after learning that the suspect has died following the ‘interrogation’.

Johnston gets a grilling from a Chief Inspector and we slowly learn that he’s snapped after attending one too many gruesome crime scenes. As he breaks down we get to see his confrontation with the suspect and things eventually swing back to the opening scene where we understand how Johnston got to be in this position.

This is another film where it’s origins on the stage are painfully obvious. Basically for your money you get Sean shouting and overacting to his wife, the Chief and the nonce. These all last for about 30 minutes and although some may see it as a powerful acting performance and a man’s soul being laid bare I saw it as all a bit dull.

Connery is always good value but his dialogue didn’t ring true and the verbal sparring often came across as clever writing rather than believable exchanges. His attempts to distance himself from Bond amounted to growing a moustache and wearing a sheepskin coat and frankly he shouldn’t have bothered - what you’d give for a witty one liner or fancy gadget in the midst of this depressing onslaught.

It was a good idea to move the narrative about and it did serve to keep your interest but I wasn’t convinced about the disintegration of Connery’s character and he seemed to go from hard nut to simpering baby in nothing flat.

I did like Ian Bannen as the smug suspect, and he’s obviously the main acting talent on show, but he didn’t quite have the menace and antagonizing qualities needed to render Connery’s character shift believable. The wife scene occupies the middle third of the film and it was hard to avoid the FF button when the moany mare went over Sean’s shortcoming from the comfort of her dressing gown once gain. She certainly didn’t have the look of a woman who could catch James Bond and looked more like a rejected Mrs Overall.

The film seems to have garnered some critical praise but some people butter up anything with edgy subject matter and a lot of shouting. For me it was a depressing experience and one I’d avoid like Ian Bannen in a playground.

THE Tag Line : No Defence For The Offence 54%

No.23 : The Net (1995)

The Net at the IMDb

In 1995 I thought the internet was a fishermen’s conference and hotmail was some kind of letter bomb, so it’s hard to be harsh on ‘The Net’ which has dated badly but must have seemed a cautionary tale when released.

Sandra Bullock plays an unlikely stay at home computer programmer. She orders pizzas off the net and talks to anonymous web friends rather than go out on dates. She shares viruses with her chums but her life falls apart when she gets sent one that enables the user to control any system on the internet.

Her net pal agrees to fly down to see her, but when his navigation system gets hacked he gets fried. Sandra meanwhile, thinking she’s been stood up, heads off on a trip to Mexico where she meets Jeremy Northam who seems like a tit from the off. Sandra is however impressed by his hard drive and soon they’re bumping uglies. But wait! We’ve seen him root through her bag for her copy of the ‘Mozart’s Ghost’ programme which may well take over the world.

After finding out about the nefarious schemes of her lover Sandra escapes only to crash the getaway dingy knocking herself unconscious. As you’d expect she wakes up in a convent full of nuns who don't even bother to question her over the computer discs and her captor’s fat wallet that she's clinging on to. Sandra knows things are awry however when she learns form the US embassy that her name has been changed on her drivers’ licence. Things get worse back home when she learns that her identity has been erased and she’s been granted a new skanky one complete with prostitution convictions.

Using the only friend she can trust (and discard) Sandra, sorry Ruth..er Angela? Starts to fight back using the only weapon she knows - yes computers. That’s right they can be used for good as well as evil. Got that, it’s a lesson in not trusting technology but for utilising it for your own means. A bit like the bad guy did, only nicer.

I never saw this film on release but having now done so I’m sure I’d still have found it a bit far fetched. As in all compuer films any problem can be solved in a couple of key strokes whereas in real life the bad guy would close in and you’d realise that everything you’ve written is in CAPS LOCK.

The film opens with a few clumsy pointers that we are getting too reliant on computers. Sandra has a lonely life watching her screens with her food downloaded and even the FedEx man wielding his scanner like a light sabre. It doesn’t take long for things to be torn down and it’s pretty clear where Sandra’s character arc is going to take her.

I wasn’t totally convinced by her programming talk and she types even more slowly than me! She does however look good in a bikini so I’m glad she got the role over some fat real life computer nerd. Jeremy Northam, who later starts in his own cyber thriller ‘Cypher’ is a pretty weak bad guy and has no real menace. His angry rages come across as hissy fits and he is at least Sandra’s equal when it comes to computer skills.

The paranoia element of the big brother system controlling our lives was better realised in films like ‘Enemy of the State’ and even ‘Die hard 4.0’ but you have to remember that this was made when an Atari 2600 was seen as space age technology.

The web-fu on show was OK and probably science fiction at the time. Some elements like the hackers FedExing each other floppy discs certainly date the film but as a historical oddity it’s quite good fun although the promised elements of danger and excitement are never really realised.

THE Tag Line : Net Deficit 62%