No. 134 : The Magus (1968)

The Magus at the IMDb

Woody Allen is quoted as saying that if he had his life again he’d change nothing except that he wouldn’t watch ‘The Magus’ a second time. I can see where he’s coming from as it’s a frustrating and difficult film, but you will see worse and at least it’s always sunny!

Michael Caine stars in his seventh Definite Article outing at Nicholas Urfe (pronounced ‘earth’), a young teacher who is starting an assignment working at a remote Greek school. His predecessor killed himself and the conditions may have something to answer for - no OFSTED pass here! He’s told that 'there are no women here' to which he relies ’Good’. No, not like that - he’s nursing a broken heart!

We see in flashback his romance with a French air stewardess who shows him her prized glass paperweight with a flower inside - the self same one Caine receives as a gift in the post. He looks somewhat saddened - maybe he was expecting a consignment of nudie mags when the postman appeared?

Anyway, to wile away the time Caine wanders around the island and soon meets Anthony Quinn who is hamming it up as usual. His character is Conchis (pronounced ‘Conscious’) and he starts to entrance/annoy Caine with a series of mind games and parlour tricks. He reads Caine’s tarot cards and explains ‘The Magus’ (that’s the name of the film!) card represents the magician. He also goes into flashback mode to explain his own heartache and morphs into a young Trigger. Trigger is so young his broom is on its first head and second handle and he’s dodging the war draft and upsetting his lady love at the same time.

Meanwhile Cane is seeing a foxy Candice Bergen in 1920’s garb and lots of fantasy hallucinations. Quinn reveals he’s actually a shrink and Bergen is his nutty patient. Caine doesn’t know who to believe when Bergen says she’s sane and lets him have a big kiss. With his air hostess erstwhile girlfriend heading by for a layover and no teaching being done whatsoever, we have to wonder who is mad, who is sane and who will watch to the end to find out?

After an nice skinny dip with the air hostess Caine lets her go in preference to Bergen who may or may not be nutty. Quinn meanwhile gives up a bit of his backstory and a sorry episode involving his time as mayor during the Nazi occupation. Caine is indifferent but gets interested when the Nazis appear and start to bother him. Is the whole thing a film set? A hallucination? A pretentious journey into the troubled Caine’s mind? Don’t ask me, I just watched it!

There is so much happening in ‘The Magus’ that it’s hard to totally dismiss it. It is a disjointed mess but there are good bits, especially Quinn’s impossible dilemma when he has the choice of bashing three partisans to death or letting the Nazis kill 80 locals. Actually that one doesn’t seem too tough.

The film doesn’t have a coherent narrative and you get the sense that this was the plan throughout. You could imagine polo necked film students getting a lot from analysing every frame, but for a casual viewer seeking entertainment ‘The Magus’ can’t be recommended.

• Well, apart from the unreleased ‘The Debtors’ that’s the Caine Definite oeuvre covered. It’s been a mixed bag at best but from an enjoyability standpoint alone I’d rank them best to worst as Actors, Hand, Statement, Destructors, Swarm, Island, Magus.

25% TAG Line : Make it Disappear!

No. 129 : The Destructors (1974)

 The Destructors @ the IMDb

 This film is also known as ‘The Marseilles Contract’ which might be a better and more relevant title but until we start doing a French cities movie blog ‘The Destructors’ it is. Hmmm ‘Dunkirk’, ‘Paris, Texas’, ’Bergerac’.. that idea has potential!

Anyway a side project of watching a lot of Michael Caine films drew me to this effort that has rightly been forgotten. It was made in 1974 in the middle of Caine’s ‘Paycheque first, script second’ phase, and it shows through the mercifully short 89 minutes run time.

The film opens with a man being crushed to death by a big Citroen. The man must have eaten too many croissants as the car is hardly moving before it pins him to a wall and crushes the life from him. Alas the script must have been in his pocket as any signs of life in that are extinguished too - and we‘ve not had the credits yet!.

We learn that the flattened citizen is in fact a U.S. D.E.A. agent who was on the trail of James Mason’s drug baron, Brizard. Mason has protection from on high and beleaguered policeman Anthony Quinn decides to hire an assassin to take him down. He is somewhat surprised when the assassin turns out to be Michael Caine - well wouldn’t you be?

We have already met Caine who was bedecked in double denim and shown to be a man of culture - we know this as he fixes his hi-fi so he can play Beethoven’s 5th while a tarty lady lies in his bed. Caine takes on the hit and proceeds to seduce Mason’s daughter so he can get into the inner sanctum - and into Mason’s house too.

The two men get on well and Caine does the odd job for Mason such as tossing an enemy off a half constructed building - just like he did to Alf Roberts in ‘Get Carter’! News of a big drugs shipment heading to Marseilles brings things to the boil and we have to wonder who Caine’s loyalties lie with and why are two Englishmen and a Greek causing al this bother to the poor old French.

This was a terrible, forgettable film with only a couple of minor, unintended, laughs to save it from being a complete washout. Caine plays himself, as usual, and sports some hideous outfits including shades at night and a red and black leather jacket that looks like a refugee from the ‘Thriller ‘ video. He’s not in the best of shape and puffs his way through the ‘action’ sequences - except when the stuntman takes over. Indeed, one of the highlights was a totally pointless motorcycle scene where the least convincing stuntman double since ‘The Omega Man’ does wheelies about some Parisian streets.

The plot is unnecessarily complex with Caine’s infiltration angle totally pointless - never heard of a sniper rifle Mike? Given the ending, a ticket to the dancing would have served just as well too! There is a half decent car chase cum seduction scene that was later replicated in ‘Goldeneye’ but it was telling of the budget that the only car that was destroyed was an old Citroen that the Luftwaffe missed.

From the title down this film is a baffling mess and totally merits James Mason’s constant disparaging look of ‘Oh I’ve just stepping in a turd’ - starred in one more like!

THE Tag Line : Hit Man Misses the Mark 35%