No. 259 : The Specialist (1975)

 

The Specialist at the IMDb

Do you know that you can get free movies on YouTube? Good ones too, like ‘Galaxy Quest’ and both Anchorman films, but you can also find stuff like ‘The Specialist’. No, not the sexy Sharon Stone / Sly Stallone one, a 1975 flick of the same name.

The film has Adam West as its star, so you know it will be good and to be fair it is a bit of low stakes fun. The plot is a bit complicated but basically one lawyer tries to get another disbarred after one of his clients is stolen from him. You’d think the client would have the choice, but the matter goes to trial.

There is a brief preamble in some offices which suspiciously all have their curtains drawn during the LA day – I’m guessing the filming schedule was tight! The wronged lawyer, Pike Smith, won’t go down without a fight and decides to engage in some jury rigging. He enlists a local hood and his son to engage ‘The specialist’ – basically a big whore who will seduce the opposing counsel.

The Specialist, Londa, played with abandon by Ahna Capri, is soon on the job after getting out of the bed in the buff immediately agrees to a spot of nude modelling for Pike’s artist son. Got to meet the T&A quotient somehow, I guess!

The trial is convened and Londa asks to see the lake which is the subject of the contentious lawsuit. West gives an impassioned speech to a confused judge and jury (and audience) who were led to believe that the trial was about client stealing. Londa gives West a wipe down after the trial and despite him initially saying he can’t speak to her, due to the law and stuff, he agrees to go on a trip to the lake with her.

Within five minutes West is having some loving in the water, whilst the local police, fixer and, strangely, the judge look on. A mistrial is ordered and West faces disbarment. Luckily enough for him, his shrew wife doesn’t knee him in the balls but sets about unravelling the conspiracy.

 

Londa flees back home and manages another nude scene, this time with her boyfriend/pimp before the plot unravels. A blackmail plan goes awry when the boyfriend is strangled by a door and soon both lawyers are up for disbarment. Who will keep their law licence? It really comes down to that!

This was a strange film that looked like a 1970s TV movie but with added nudity. Adam West didn’t really convince as the straying lawyer and his sexy credentials weren’t stamped when he got his shirt off - it was of course Pure West.

I did like the free-spirited performance by Ahna Capri who you may remember as the love interest in ‘Enter the Dragon’. The main issue I have is with the plot. There were endless dull legal scenes with low stakes and worse acting. The judge looked like they found him in a pub ten minutes before filming.

 

The big disbarment hearing, that looked like it was filmed in someone’s living room, was really tension free despite a surprise outcome. With a minute left on the runtime and with an unsatisfying ending fast approaching, the director went for the ‘what the hell’ option and a freezeframe. It wasn’t earned or believable, but I didn’t care; so no harm done.

 

All in all, this was a pretty mindless romp involving scheming lawyers and a sexy ‘specialist’ who would probably be riddled with VD - the way she carries on and would need a specialist of her own pretty soon – one well versed in the clap!

THE Tag Line : Taking Down the Briefs!  56%

No. 255 : The Missionary (1982)

 

The Missionary at the IMDb

I’m currently working my way through the Michael Palin Diaries on Audible and in ‘Halfway to Hollywood’ he covers at length the gestation, filming, promotion and reaction to ‘The Missionary’. It is a fascinating listen and well worth the required 27 hours of your time.

 

When you learn about the many issues in play, it’s amazing that any film is ever made and a good one even more. At the time of production, Palin was fresh from the success of ‘Life of Brian’ and ‘Time Bandits’, both of which gave him a writing credit. He was given free reign for his first solo feature, following the TV success of ‘Ripping Yarns’. ‘The Missionary’ was the result, one of the fledging films of ‘Handmade Films’ largely bankrolled by ex-Beatle, George Harrison.

 

Having learned so much about the background of the film I felt guilty in not liking it more. It is a worthwhile production but seems somewhat insubstantial with a lot happening off camera and there not being much in the way of believable character development.

 

Palin stars as Charles Fortescue, the titular missionary. The film opens with his name being painted out from an honours board, so we know things don’t end well for him, at least as far as the establishment is concerned. We flashback to his time in Africa and there are some sumptuous scenes of Palin in the bush, no not like that, teaching kids and spreading the good word.

 

After ten years of service, he heads back to England for his next posting and to marry his patient fiancé, the annoying Deborah, who has the twin irritations of a nasally voice and a love of filing. Fortesque meets the bishop (Denholm Elliott) who asks that he set up a mission for fallen women in the slums of London. To add to his challenge, he is also to arrange the funding for this endeavour. He meets with the wealthy Lord Ames (Trevor Howard in fine batty form) but makes more of a connection with his wife, played by Maggie Smith.

 

Lady Ames is a frustrated housewife who wastes no time in telling Fortescue that if he takes care of her, she’ll take care of the funding. The deal is settled when following a late-night visit to his room, the good lady takes care of Fortescue under the covers.

 

Things move apace with a wonderfully realised London giving a fine backdrop to Fortescue’s research and then mission house. He goes to a hooker’s house to ask her some questions but soon succumbs to her questionable charms. I didn’t really buy his weakness here, but I guess the point is he’s sexually repressed and will take any offer he gets – and he does!

 

Soon the mission house is full and when Lady Ames finds Fortescue in the company of some scantily clad lovelies, she withdraws funding. This causes the girls to go back on the streets and the place is soon flourishing. Alas, the other mission houses aren’t getting their share and complaints to the bishop cause Fortescue to be given an ultimatum to leave or be defrocked. He doesn’t have his troubles to seek as he also gets wind of a plan of Lady Ames to kill her husband, and he must head to Scotland to intervene.

 

On the grouse fields will Fortescue save the day? and what will become of Lady Ames and the mission?

 

There is a lot to like here with some wonderful sets and some fine cinematography. Great care is taken over every shot and the cast is excellent, with Timothy Spall appearing in a small role and Michael Hordern as a scatty butler who does his getting lost bit too often for my liking.

 

The film does ask a lot of the viewer. It’s only 80 odd minutes and the character jumps are somewhat jarring. Fortescue is seemingly a devoted missionary and fiancée but is soon boffing anything that moves. Lady Ames is also poorly drawn with late revelations and an outcome that didn’t ring true at all.

 

In his diaries Palin bemoans poor test screenings and late edits and I’ve no doubt a longer and better film lies chopped up on the editor’s floor. For all it’s faults though there is plenty to like with a few laughs, a fine cast and some lovely sets, setting it apart from the standard period piece.

THE Tag Line : Let us pray - for a better film! 58%

No. 253 : The Rapture (1991)

 

The Rapture at the IMDb

 

This is a strange offering that is part swinger party and part religious brainwashing. I’m not sure what the target audience was, but it would make for a pretty narrow demographic.

Mimi Rogers, who is excellent throughout, stars as Sharon, a bored phone operator who gets her thrills through having sex with random couples, along with her sleazy boyfriend. One of these couples includes David Duchovny, and the two start a relationship on the side.

Sharon is aware of some co-workers talking about God and seems to laugh it off, but one night at 3am she shoves David (who has the excellent character name ‘Randy’) out of bed as she needs to change the sheets. Well, we’ve all been there. She decides her whole life is dirty and she needs to find God.

 

We get other clues along the way that she may not be a total nut, such as a vision she has of a pearl, having first seen it on a swinger’s tattoo. She joins a religious sect centred around ‘The Boy’, a wise child who tells them that God will be back in five or six years. Kind of a loose arrangement, it would seem. Mimi is totally bought in at this stage even going so far as to offer religious direction to people ringing her for a phone number. She seeks out now former love Randy, who is also a lost soul, and the two get back together.

 

We jump forward six years and learn that God has yet to show up, but at least he told Randy to ditch the mullet. They all eagerly await the Rapture with the now teenage ‘The Boy’ telling them it’s this year for sure. Shouldn’t have used Evri for the delivery, I guess.

Tragedy strikes however, when Randy is killed in a workplace shooting, leaving Sharon alone with their annoying daughter. Randy's death only affirms Sharon's beliefs and she decides that her vision of Randy in a photoshop window is enough to send her to the desert to await the big moment.

 

Once again, God is delayed. I’m sure he must be at the baggage carousel by now. Sharon decides that she’ll speed things up by shooting her daughter, as you do. The once friendly policeman, who clearly needed better safeguarding training, arrests her and sticks her in a cell with another God botherer. Unfortunately, Sharon has given up on God as he let her shoot her own daughter – free will anyone?- so when the rapture does arrive, she’s not onboard.

The Rapture is a bit low rent with some horns and people on horses and more smoke than an 80's rock video. We do get overlaid hoofbeats and those who accept God are sent on their way with a mechanism somewhere between ‘Star Trek’ and Thanos. Sharon, who refuses to forgive the Almighty, is left in purgatory – will she proclaim her love for God or will she hang about in the dark for all eternity?

 

I quite enjoyed this film but I wasn’t totally buying Sharon who went from carefree slut to pious worshipper to then outright denier in the three acts. Her initial conversion seemed a bit urgent with little in the way of doubt seen before she decided that she was right and that everyone she’d previously scoffed were on the ball after all. Mimi was great although a bit more modest at first as she held the bedsheets tight to her chest in the bed scenes. Later on she was a bit more of her carefree self. I see this film was made around the time she split from Tom Cruise so maybe that was a factor. The film poster makes the production look like a sex romp, so no doubt there were a few disappointed cinema goers when this was released!

 

The whole endeavour was clearly low budget, but I liked the almost Ray Bradburyesque conspiracy with people muttering away about their visions in the background. It gave the film a sense of unease and I wasn't sure if we were going to find redemption or mental illness at the end. Believers were found in all sorts of places and it was fun when Sharon gets pulled in by her boss for God bothering the callers before he reveals he’s seen the light himself!

 

There are large portions of the film that seem like a recruitment video for the Jehovah’s Witnesses and Sharon was all over the place with her conflicted mental states. It was however a decent ride and offered a few questions, albeit with no real answers - if you want answers, I'd recommend 'This Is the End'.

 

THE Tag Line : Praise Be! 64%

No.245 : The Landlord (2015)

 The Landlord at the IMDb

Also known as ‘Slumlord’ and ‘13 Cameras’ this film seems to have struggled to find an identity and that’s no surprise given it also struggled for a narrative, twist or anything approaching engagement with the audience. Still it did spawn a sequel ‘14 Cameras’ so at least the Go-Pro people seem to be doing well out of the franchise. Next up ‘15 Cameras and a Wi-fi dongle’ I suspect.

As a landlord myself I was hoping to pick up some tips about rent collection and stain removal but instead it was a peeping tom landlord who locks folk in his basement. Nothing new here then!

Young pregnant couple, Ryan and Claire, are looking for a new rental condo. They find a nice one which happens to have a fat and scruffy, monosyllabic landlord who stinks. That’s a stereotype right there. They take on the property but unknown to them the landlord has a Tandy gold card and has fitted out the whole house with a load of cameras - I’m guessing 13.

He watches their comings and goings on and we and he learn that Ryan is boffing his PA, the lovely Hannah. Luckily for the landlord Ryan brings his work home and he gets a front row seat for all the action, even underwater in their pool. At first I thought he was maybe a kindly overseer with perhaps his purpose being to keep some supernatural evil in check? This better plot wasn’t thought of or was as dismissed however, with our man just being a total creep, with a shot of all his used Kleenex around his computer monitors all we needed to know of his motivations.

His peeping runs parallel with the demise of the couple's relationship, with the affair suspected and Ryan exiled from the house. The Landlord tried to keep the girlfriend a secret by locking her in the basement but things come to a head when a camera is spotted and the basement hostage manages to escape. Will the landlord go without a fight and return the security deposit? No chance; armed with his hammer heads over to sort out his troublesome tenants - will he be able to re-let and retain his accreditation from the local authority?

This was easy viewing as basically the film went from a to b to c with no struggle at all. As mentioned I was hoping we’d get a wrong foot with the Landlord being a kindly soul watching over the couple like a guardian angel. Instead he was just a pervert who for some reason became homicidal towards the end. Maybe he’d done similar before, but it was kept vague, especially as he barely mumbled a dozen lines of dialogue in the whole film.

The two leads were passable but you didn’t really care for them, given their relationship was already crumbling when we first meet. The end was undercooked with the hammer filled home invasion over in moments with the minimum of fuss. The closing scenes of our man still in the rental market were probably meant to worry the viewer, but I was just happy to see an upturn in tenancy rates.

This was a passable thriller that has nothing to set it apart in a crowded genre, that could have done with a better bad guy and a bit more peril than him messing with their toothbrushes.

THE Tag Line : Not One For Rental 54%

No.243 : The Sisterhood (1988)

 The Sisterhood at the IMDb

This pile of nonsense could be seen as a companion piece for the recently reviewed The Aftermath, what with both being post apocalyptic films that were largely filmed in the same quarry.

The film is set in the far off future of 2021. The world has been devastated and people have to dress like extras from Mad Max, apart from one woman who wears Levis in what IMDb describes as a product placement deal. A group of brigands attack a couple of woman on horseback - but they have foolishly engaged with ‘the sisterhood’. A poorly choreographed swordfight takes place with the sisterhood coming out on top, partly due to beams that come out of one of their eyes and dislodge a small pile of rocks. They send the bad men on their way, with their one injury quickly healed by one lady’s blue light emitting hand.

We learn that all of the sisterhood’s members have a special power, which is usually quite cheap to demonstrate, which was no doubt a boon to the budget. Levis girl isn’t in the sisterhood but is soon alone when the bad men set free by the sisterhood attack her camp and kill everyone apart from her. She can talk to a fortune telling hawk however - is that the kind of power that gets you in the sisterhood?

We follow baddie Mikal, who really hates the sisterhood, and plans to attack their base. He joins forces with a couple of local militias, one whose leader is always screaming for parts - as long as they are car parts and not acting ones, we’ll be all right.

Meanwhile the two members of the sisterhood join up with Levis woman and take the gamble of crossing the Forbidden Zone so that they can warn their sisters of the impending attack. The Forbidden Zone is populated by savage mutants - all of whom wear the same outfit. Well, coordination is important in a radioactive wasteland.

Back at the Sisterhood’s base, ‘Calcava’ things aren’t looking great as the sisters have all been captured and the evil baddie is ripping their tops off one at a time. Can the Sisterhood be saved? Will that pristine cache of 20th century weapons and vehicles come in handy? You bet!

This film was clearly in the ‘awful but we know it’ category. The whole affair takes place in the same quarry with the actors looking dizzy at having to drive their cars in endless circles. It tries to be ‘The Road Warrior’ with a bit of ‘Logan’s Run’ thrown in, but it looks like a film school project completed as a dare.

There are endless swordfights with every individual battle choreographed the same way - clank, boot, slash and cut to bloody wound shot. The acting is as risible as the pathetic script demands, and the special effects amount to some blue ‘beams’ being drawn onto the film.

For the big finale they obviously thought another sword fight wouldn’t cut it so our heroes find a fully functioning fall out shelter complete with guns and armoured vehicles. How the armoured car and weapons all still work isn’t really covered - maybe the women are all just great mechanics? Any suggestion of this being a ‘girl power’ event is quickly lost when a couple of scenes of topless women are slotted in for no discernable reason - apart from the worried producers looking at the first cut and realising no one but perverts (and honest reviewers) will watch this rubbish. The nudity is all body doubles so clearly done after the fact; as was the poster - spoiler alert - there is not one golden bikini in this film!

A mindless distraction or dated sexist rubbish? Have no fun finding out!

THE Tag Line : Sisters Shouldn’t Do This For Themselves - 27%

No.242 : The Package (2018)

 The Package at the IMDb

This is our second ‘The Package’ following the Dolph Lundgren/Steve Austin action thriller.  That was dreadful, but amazingly this effort manages to be even worse. Worse than a film starring a wrestler and Ivan Drago? You bet.

To be honest the signs were there early on - the film has emojis in the title with the aubergine being a substitute for a penis. Well you couldn’t lower the tone on your vulgar teen gross out comedy could you?

There is hardly a plot to speak of, but basically someone slices their cock off on a camping trip and it’s up to his friends to get him reunited with his pecker before reattachment surgery becomes unviable.

There are two young couples and some tiresome dynamics in play. They are horny teens but privileged ones with nice houses and fancy cars. One boy likes a girl but she has a douchebag boyfriend. Another is a pale ginger boy who is very annoying and compensates for his virginal state by being a complete asshole to all concerned. 

For reasons too dull to go into, the group go on a camping trip and the Navajo boy with the long black hair decides to play with his flick knife whilst having a midnight piss. He slices off his cock and is airlifted away by the air ambulance, sans John Thomas. His friends pack up the camp site and manage to find the mangled manhood. They learn it has 12 hours left before surgery won’t be possible so they try to get the pecker and plonker reunited via a variety of adventures involving stealing boats and dealing with crazed ex-military types. After an hour they get the Johnston to the hospital and the surgery is a success. But wait! There’s half an hour left so it’s discovered the cock has been sown onto the wrong man whose own member was severed by his mental wife who is still on the prowl. 

All the while romantic subplots are developing with one lad texting the girl he likes’ boyfriend to call it off. Will his subterfuge be found out and does she like him anyway? We need to know! Will the cock be reattached and will the horny teens end up with a nice big kiss?

This was a tacky and tasteless film and whilst that’s normally my go to, this was just plain awful. Every single character was a smug teen you wouldn’t tire of punching. The whole joke is that they have a loose cock to take care of, so inevitably it gets lost, puked on, bitten by a snake and then sucked off. The stunt cock is quite realistic but there are only so many ways a bunch of dildos can interact with a fake dobber and for it to be amusing.

There were perhaps two smiles but both were the same gag with someone taking over a man's TV with porn by hijacking their wi-fi. Apart from that it was dick this and penis that for an hour and a half. If I wanted that I’d watch the Tory party conference - little bit of politics there.

If you like your films mindless and unfunny you’re onto a winner here; and if cock jokes are your thing, then you’ve hit the mother lode.

THE Tag Line : Don’t Unwrap The Package 35%

No.238 : The Teacher (1974)

The Teacher (1974) at the IMDb

The wonderfully named Angel Tompkins stars as the titular teacher who does no teaching but offers plenty of the rest. The film opens slowly with it reaching nearly 11 minutes before we get our first line of dialogue : “Damn”. We watch teacher Diane get ready and head out in her sweet Tran-Am. Meanwhile creepy Ralph is stalking her in his hearse - subtle! Diane heads to her cabin cruiser ‘Diane’ and takes it out into the middle of the harbour where she whips off her top for some chilly looking sunbathing. Ralph has a vantage point staked out and enjoys a bit of peeping at Diane through his binoculars.

Sadly for Ralph, his perving is interrupted when is brother Lou and friend Sean show up for some peeping of their own - they should have set up a turnstile! Ralph isn’t happy and charges the late coming perverts and Lou falls to his death. Sean runs off but is later warned by Ralph to say nothing to the cops. 

Sean has recently left school and is on friendly terms with Diane who is all alone now that her racing driver husband has left the scene. She has designs on young Sean and invites him over to help her ‘clean out her garage’ - that’s a new euphemism on me. After a quick start Diane and Sean start to see each other, much to the outrage of the locals , although his Mom is pretty cool about it all. Ralph isn’t though, and stalks the couple with his menacing bayonet in hand.

Things inevitably come to a head with Sean kidnapped by Ralph, with Diane in hot pursuit - who will survive and is there enough time for her to get her top off again?

This was a dreadfully poor and cheap looking exploitation flick, but it wasn’t without it’s charms. I liked Anthony James, whom we know from ‘W’ Classics ‘World Gone Wild’ and ‘Wacko’ as the crazed stalker Ralph. He had a weird coffin full of stuff including a Chekov’s gun to go with his hearse and he was ‘weirdo’ personified. There was a funny scene where he went into his coffin of tricks and next minute he’s in a frogman suit eyeing our couple having sex on their boat.

Angel Tomkins was decent in the main role as the sex mad and poor judgement burdened Diane, who had a succession of bikini tops that she just had to keep shedding. ‘Dennis the Menace’ Jay North was less good and his floundering was annoying.

Down the cast, the players looked like they were working for beer with Sean’s Dad especially bad. The film ran a long 100 minutes with a lot of padding generously provided. Frolicking in the swimming pool is fine but five minutes of it didn’t advance the plot an inch! There were scenes where awkward silences were interrupted by non-sequitors and it looked improvised to no real effect, apart from adding to the amateur vibe.

The nihilistic ending seemed unnecessary but I guess that’s the genre - blood and boobs with no learnings to be had!

THE Tag Line : You’ll Learn Nothing!  61%

 

No.236 : The Overnight (2015)

First world problems now, as four yuppies spend a night worrying about their genitals and whether the bottle of wine they’ve brought is an acceptable gift.

Adam Scott and her off ’Orange is the New Black’ star as Alex and Emily, a Seattle couple who have recently moved to L.A. with their young son. They are having trouble with their sex life due to their kid bursting in at the wrong moment and for reasons that are explored later on.

They have had trouble making friends in their first two week as Angelinos, but things look up when they are approached by Jason Schwartzman after his and their kids start playing together. Jason seems a bit of a douche but they agree to go over to his later for a playdate with their kids and so the adults can enjoy some pizza - and a night they’ll never forget!

Things start out OK,  but gradually get stranger as Jason shows off his ‘butthole’ paintings and his wife’s hit breast feeding video. The hipster couple notice some reticence on the part of Alex and Emily when they refuse to go skinny dipping with them, especially when exposed to Jason’s extra large, and clearly fake dong. Alex admits he has a small penis and is ashamed of it. After some illicit substances and a pep talk from Jason he bares all and the couples get closer and closer.

How will the long night end and what will we learn about those involved?

This was an enjoyable if somewhat slight film that was shot over 12 days and takes place almost exclusively in a fancy L.A. house. There are no big set pieces or special effects and it is basically the four characters hitting off each other and gradually giving more and more away. I liked the slow burn with the breast feeding DVD the first inkling that things may not be as mundane as we initially thought.

The skinny dipping scene was funny, but they shouldn’t have used such obviously fake cocks as that took us straight out of any reality the film had earned. I’d imagine the two name actors wanted it to be clear and obvious that the tackle on display was not theirs.

There were a couple of laughs though, and not too much focus on relationships, which was a relief. I liked how the weirdness of the L.A. couple was just taken as a given with each outrageous revelation being met with barely a shrug.

The ending was somewhat unexpected and quite brave given what had gone before. Our uptight heroes did unwind very quickly but I guess a mixture of space cake and built up repression will do that for you.

Overall an enjoyable ensemble piece with good performances and a funny script that zinged along, without too many life lessons being offered.

THE Tag Line : Rubber Chicken? No, It’s a Cock  67%

No.232 : The Klansman (1974)

 

The Klansman at the IMDb

Well, this should be good - a 70’s thriller starring Lee Marvin and Richard Burton. Actually no, this is probably one to avoid given that possession of a copy would probably be classed as a hate crime. The film has seemingly fallen into the public domain as the copyright wasn’t renewed, probably due to the potential embarrassment ownership of the film would confer.

Still we’re no snowflakes here at the Definitive Blog and censorship is never a good thing so let’s have a look. The film starts well with sheriff Lee Marvin driving along to a funky Stax Records soundtrack. Sadly he soon arrives  at the scene of a boorish mob cheering on a retarded fat black man who is pulling the clothes off a terrified woman. Rather than arrest everyone Marvin sends them home after making sure the simpleton gets his $1 pay day.

The Alabama county does however sit up and take notice when Linda Evans gets raped in her car by an unseen assailant. The Ku Klux Klan decide it was probably a black man who did the crime and they set off for a good old fashioned Southern lynching. They chance upon OJ Simpson and his pal and, although OJ gets away (again!), his friend gets shot up after a frankly pointless castration.

Meanwhile aged landowner with indeterminate accent Richard Burton is in bed with his sexy naked girlfriend. Richard looks the worse for wear but is wearing his natty pjs. His girlfriend wants to get married and isn’t happy that Burton is hosting an civil rights activist fearing that he’ll will be after her ‘chocolate milk’. Think he’s after something stronger, Love.

OJ is hell bent on revenge and dresses up as a Klansman to lure out and kill one of the good old boys. To further make his point the shoots the bloke carrying the flaming cross at his first victim’s funeral. Marvin knows OJ is the killer but is either a bit lazy or happy to let things sort themselves out.

Burton moves in Linda Evans after the townsfolk cast her out for getting raped and also helps the activist Loretta after she gets raped too. Bit of a theme developing here?

Eventually things come to a head and sides have to be picked. As a mass of walking bed sheets approach Burton’s mansion we have to guess who will survive and will racism be solved for good?

If you hadn’t seen this film you wouldn’t believe it existed. First off, the two leads are pissed throughout, with staggering and slurred dialogue the norm. There is one fantastic scene near the end where Burton, and his poorly matched stuntman beat up a tough with a variety of karate chops. It is laugh out loud funny but does distract from the drama somewhat.

Marvin’s motivation is confused throughout, with him looking on impotently as rapes and murders are happening all over town. He has a son going to West Point so he may be trying to break the cycle of local idiocy, but he’s too steaming to convey any emotion or impassioned pleas.

The politics are probably well meaning, with the Klan members depicted as a bunch of red necks. It is quite a broad brush approach however, especially when rape victim Evans gets the ire of the townsfolk when she dares to show her face in church after being raped.

There are plenty of murders and the pace is reasonable, but you really can’t condone a film where rape and murder are abundant but dwarfed by endless racial abuse. The baddies may get their comeuppance, at a price, but you’ll feel like a good scrub having sat through this whole cavalcade of horrors.

The TAG Line : How Not to Manage Race Relations 40%

No.231 : The Woodsman (2004)

 

The Woodsman at the IMDb

It’s a brave choice to have a convicted paedophile as your protagonist especially when it’s a self confessed one like Walter, who still has the urge.

Walter has zero degrees of Kevin Bacon and we meet him as he’s discharged from prison from a 12 year stretch for child molestation. He picks up his old job at a woodworking factory with his former boss’s son letting him know he needs to keep it zipped up.

Walter also checks in with his therapist, blog favourite Michael Shannon, and gets visited by slow talking cop Mos Def, who doesn’t believe that Walter, or indeed any kiddie fiddler, is capable of being reformed.

The woodworking shop seems a great place to work, as the creepy Walter quickly gets two ladies coming onto him. He rebuffs the first’s offer of a chicken sandwich but ends up in bed with the second, Bacon’s real life wife Kyra Sedgwick. He has made the right choice, but the spurned chicken sandwich lady makes trouble for Walter by letting his past be known to all.

Strangely Walter’s new flat looks onto a children’s play park, but it is just the correct number of feet from him to be deemed safe. It also lets him watch the children and a suspect bloke he christens ’Candy’ who is taking an unnatural interest in the little boys - takes one to know one is clearly the message.

Walter’s relationship takes a stumble when he confesses to Kyra about his past but they get back together when he reveals details of his sordid activities - having little girls sit on you lap apparently isn’t so bad. Can Walter escape his urges and will he turn from villain to hero as Candy graduates from sweetie distribution to full on molesting?

This was a difficult film to watch, with some uncomfortable scenes, but overall it was excellent and thought provoking. I liked how Walter wasn’t drawn in black and white and Bacon did well showing his character struggling with his urges. At first we thought he’d reformed but there was a scene near the end where he skirts close to the edge which will have you watching it through your fingers.

Shannon was underused and wore a bad wig and I wasn’t buying Mos Def as the copper, but the rest of the cast were great as was the writing which kept me guessing. The film could have gone a couple of ways, but I liked the outcome and the hope for redemption. ‘The Woodcutter’ of the title is the man who frees the children from the wolf’s stomach - is Walter the axe man or the wolf?

The lines drawn weren’t clear and, although a self confessed nonce, you still retained some sympathy for Walter and his unhealthy struggles which is testament to the quality of the writing and the sizzling performance from Bacon.

Not an easy watch, but a worthwhile and thought provoking one.

The Tag Line - Got Wood? Run Away! 74%

No.229 : The Aftermath (1982)

 

The Aftermath at the IMDb

This would be an easy film to rip to shreds with its poor production values, terrible acting and shocking script but it was so rubbish that you can’t help but enjoy it.

We open in space with three astronauts returning fro a year long mission. They blame a radio malfunction for a lack of communication and possibly for one actor being on a different set than the other two. Their spaceship model judders along on its string as it makes the hazardous decent back to earth. They manage to crash in the sea, just outside of Los Angeles, the plan being lots of people will notice them and come out to help.

Sadly no one witnesses their spectacular crash landing which must have been a waste of the fifty pence spent on the special effects. One actor manages to escape the film by dying but the other two are separated as they swim towards the beach. Our hero, Newman, is first ashore and thinks he has found some help, but alas his sunbathers forgot the Factor 50 and are all burnt out corpses.

He soon ties up with injured comrade, Mathews, and the two set up a camp only to be attacked by some blokes in Halloween masks. As they fight them off we follow a parallel storyline which sees some brigands attack a group of clean looking survivors and kidnap the woman after killing the men and children. Their leader ‘Cutter’ likes to laugh diabolically and never misses a chance to do so. Meanwhile we learn the fate that has befallen mankind has led to an acute shortage of bras.

Our two astronauts, now shaved and in civilian clothes, split up and Newman stumbles into a museum where the curator gives out loads of exposition before expiring and leaving our hero in charge of a young boy, Chris. The two bond and soon meet up with the lovely Sarah whom we earlier saw escaping from Cutter’s busy hands. They carry out an attack on Cutter’s base and free a mother and her daughter and, for a while, a brave new start seems possible.

Alas, the production finds another vat of fake blood to spill to we are left to guess who will survive the film and will anyone in the whole exercise ever work again?

This was a gawd awful film with some of the poorest acting you’ll ever see. Different film stocks appear throughout - often in the same scene and characters fire shots in daylight that hit targets at night. The budget appears to have been blown on squibs and fake blood, as the sets, models and costumes are as poor as you will ever see.

The timeline doesn’t make any sense with the astronauts only a way a year yet the children have known nothing other than the poorly acted horror they inhabit. Pristine jeeps are abundant, but the city model is a burnt out shell. One big fight moves from the desert to the city rooftops which show no damage whatsoever.

Picking nits would be too easy however, in a film where you could pick out rhinos and still leave bigger stuff behind. 

The hero character ‘Newman’ was played by the same bloke who wrote the script and directed the film so it’s almost a proto ‘The Room’. The only minor talent on show is Sid Haig as the villainous Cutter who just laughs a lot and does some dry humping - a good way to easy fifty bucks I guess!

Not a film to recommend but if you have time to kill, find it on Amazon Prime for a few laughs and some outrageous bad behaviour!

THE Tagline : You’ll Be Lucky to Survive This!  52%

No.227 : The Sand (2015)

 

The Sand at the IMDb

You know that TV show ‘Floor is Lava’? Well this film is basically that, with the floor being sand and to step in it is to risk a poor CGI demise.

The film opens with a bunch of frat kids having a beach party. I was concerned this may be a found footage affair as the first five minutes are basically jerky camcorder shots of teens doing shots and chugging beer. At one point they find a large slimy ball that looks for all the world like a testicle. They don’t pay it much heed but it couldn’t have been a more obvious plot device if it had ‘McGuffin’ written all over it.

Next morning the kids start to wake up. Four are in a car, two in a lifeguard station and one chap is in a barrel with a dick drawn on his face. Our lead girl Kaylee, sees a seagull get eaten by the sand, or to be more correct she sees it digitally erased, and immediately comes to the conclusion that the sand is alive and no one can step on it. Everyone takes this daft notion seriously, especially as teens start to be devoured by the hungry sand.

The ’monster’ isn’t clear from the start and takes the form of wispy tendrils that raise up from the stand and grab whomever it can. The majority of the film is then taken up with various plans to escape the threat. Things like building bridges out of wood and surfboards move the players about a bit and there is a sub plot about some one shagging another girl’s boyfriend, but essentially it’s just a poor excuse for having attractive young people slowly picked off by an unseen threat.

Salvation appears in the form of a disbelieving beach patrol guard but he’s soon killed off for disbelieving the kids and for being too old. Eventually we are down to four players and the monster is starting to reveal itself. Who will survive their day at the beach?

I saw this mess on Amazon Prime where it was tagged as a horror comedy. There were laughs to be fair, but they were of the ridiculous nature and seemingly unintended. The threat wasn’t discussed or explored, with only the testicle egg appearing split in half offering any  suggesting that the enemy may be of  extra terrestrial origin. Later on when it grew some tentacles it was a bit bolder but was less scary than when it was an unknown. That may be down to the quality of the CGI however, the software for which looked like it came from the cover of a magazine called ‘Shit CGI for Your Vic-20’ from the 80s.

The cast were uniformly awful but were serviced by some terrible dialogue “I don’t wanna die with a dick on my face” cried one - I hear you brother! The paper thin plot was like an unused 20 minute segment of ‘Creepshow’ stretched, beyond breaking point, to feature length.

Of course if watching some near teens cavorting about in their swimwear avoiding mild peril is your thing, you could probably do worse. More so if you like nitpicking your way through some terrible kills, massive plot holes and risible special effects. If however you’d prefer a decent film, I’d suggest that you look elsewhere.

Best Bit : Overacting Beach Patrol Man 40%

No.226 : The Yards (2000)

 

The Yards at the IMDb

You may have thought that E.U. rules would have demanded that this film be renamed ‘The Metres’ but fear not - the yards referred to are train yards, rather than units of measurement.

The film opens with a young looking Markie Mark heading home to Queens from a stint in prison. He was actually 29 when this was made and is the same age as me so it must just be a good vintage.

His family has a party for him and he is collared by his parole officer who needs him to get a job. He meets with his uncle James Caan who suggests a two year apprenticeship so that he can get a proper job. Not fancying this Markie hooks up with his friend Jaoquin Phoenix who works for Caan and seems to have loads of cash. He also has Markie’s old flame Charlize heron as a girlfriend.

Jaoquin explains that he is a fixer who wins contracts for Caan’s train fitting business. Of course this is done by way of bribes and smashing up his opposition’s rolling stock. He takes Markie along on a job that sees the yard manager refuse to play ball which results in Jaoquin stabbing him to death. Meanwhile altered by the alarm pressed by the yard manager a cop confronts Markie about his presence in the yard after dark. After a scuffle the cop is in a coma and sharp focus is drawn on the antics of Cann’s outfit and in the train tendering process in general.

Things deteriorate for Markie after he chickens out of finishing off the now conscious cop in his hospital bed, and gets fingered for the beating as well. Caan and the crew wash their hands of him and soon he is a marked man, especially after Jaoquin pins the murder on him too, after he learns that Charlize may like the Funky Bunch front man more than him.

With a large corruption investigation underway can Markie escape taking the blame and will the widespread corruption help to save his ass?

This was a decent offering but at the end it felt a bit slight and insubstantial. The story would have worked better as a mini series, as the sequence of events seemed hurried and unlikely. Markie basically goes for a job and on the first night is on the run for murder - maybe bed him in a bit and show us how things usually operate?

The settings and characters were familiar with the gritty realism of ‘Gone Baby Gone’ and ‘The Drop’ plain to see. It could have done with a Casey Affleck or similar in one of the leads as Markie and Jaoquin both looked like they were playing dress up. The larger cast was better despite James Caan’s poor moustache and Fay Dunaway’s poor fainting.

I’m not sure if this was a morality tale or just a slice of life but I wasn’t buying it. Markie seemed a bit of a scumbag and his resistance to a straight job left him being unsympathetic when circumstances went against him.

The big finale seemed a bit daft and I’m sure the police wouldn’t let a murder suspect out of their sight never mind let him weasel his way out of a air tight collar. I guess the message was that corruption goes to all levels, but it made for an unsatisfying conclusion that mirrored the rest of the film.

THE Tag Line - One Train You Can Miss 60%

No.222 : The Iceman (2012)

The Iceman at the IMDb

No, it’s not a spin off from ‘Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends’ instead it’s a bio-pic of mob hit man Richard Kuklinski, starring blog second favourite Michael, Mr Shannon.

The film opens with an aged and beardy Shannon being asked if he has any regrets. Before he can answer the film morphs back to 1964 with a younger Shannon on his first date with soon to be wife, Winona Ryder. She admires his tattoos and slow drawl, and even believes his story of being employed as a voice actor for Walt Disney. In fact he has a slightly seedier job copying porno films. He plays pool for cash in a bar and we get a quick taste of his temper when he slashes a man’s throat for giving him some lip.

Meanwhile at the porn lab he takes a slap himself when gang boss Ray Liotta wants to know why his order of porn isn’t ready yet. Ray sees a steely coolness about Shannon and offers him a job as a hit man. Shannon is keen to please and shows his loyalty, and psychopathic tendencies, by gunning down a random beggar. Things go well for a while and Shannon, Ryder and their two daughters move to the suburbs. His cover story is that he’s a currency trader, but it’s more whacks than Marks that he’s into.

Liotta has issues of his own when big boss Robert Davi wants him to kill his idiot henchman David Schwimmer who has stolen some drugs. This causes Liotta to lie low and this puts Shannon out of business. Despite being warned off, he decides to go freelance and hooks up with Captain America’s ‘Mr Whippy’ hit man who uses an ice cream van as cover.

The two soon pile up the bodies, keeping them frozen to disguise their crimes and the dates of death. After one loose talker too many, we are back at the start with Shannon reflecting on his worthless life and lack of regret.

I had high hopes for this film but it dropped off quickly and became a bit dull. It was confusing in places as the double crosses racked up and it was hard to care for a mass murderer whose only redeeming feature was supposedly his loyalty to his family. They touched briefly on his abusive childhood for his motivation but you need some excuse to pardon over 100 confirmed kills.

They did try to sugar coat the character of Richie, but reading the real life accounts it’s clear he was nothing but a murderous and wife beating psycho.

The cast was mostly good with thin material with the likes of James Franco, Chris Evans and Winona all underused. Chris Evans was hidden in a big wig and beard and his casting seemed largely pointless. Better than Franco though, who only got one short scene.

60s/70s New York was well realised with lots of classic cars and brown clothing on show. The film did one of my pets hates in that they had captions for dates of certain events at the start but they quickly disappeared, even when years had clearly passed in terms of fashion. Do it consistently or not at all!

Shannon was OK in the lead with his usual quiet menace. I didn’t really buy the character however and if he was seeking sympathy he got none from me. You could dress this up as a morality tale but ultimately it’s a bloke killing loads of people for money and getting caught. THE END.

THE Tag Line : Will Leave You Cold  - 56%

No.219 :The Gambler (2014)

The Gambler (2014) at the IMDb

It was always going to be a tough ask to have Marky Mark fill James Caan’s 70’s Cuban heels, but this remake falls well short of the original. It does have a decent cast, but with nothing new added you have to wonder why they bothered.

The film opens with George Kennedy on his death bed - presciently so as it turned out to be his last role. He offers sage advice to his son Jim (Marky Mark) who proceeds to ignore it, heading off instead to a casino. He has $10k, which he bets on a single hand of blackjack, which he doubles up again and again before losing the lot. The casino’s owner is owed $240k and refuses any more credit. That’s fine as Omar off ‘The Wire’ is there and offers a $50k loan for a vig of 20 points a week - ten grand to you or me.

These rates would make Brighthouse blush but Jim is an addict and pisses the cash away. If you think he doesn’t convince as a gambler wait til you see him as a university literary professor. He tells his students not to try and write unless they are a genius or Captain Marvel who has shown up, as she’s not due to save the world for at least five years. He has another student who doesn’t care for class but he’s good at basketball and needs the scholastic credit. Might come in handy later that nugget!

Jim then goes hunting for more credit with John Goodman, using the impeccable logic that he can gamble his way out of his financial hole. When that doesn’t work out he heads to his mother Jessica Lange, who gets him a big bag of cash out of the bank. Problem solved.

No wait, he’s off to Vegas with Captain Marvel and he pisses that all away too. With the loan sharks circling Jim has only one shot - his ‘in’ with his basketball playing student. Can he corrupt the youth to save his neck and if he does is he only postponing the inevitable?

As a standalone movie this was decent but it pales in comparison to its predecessor. I felt Marky was too young to convey the gravitas as a professor or the world weariness needed to portray a gambler, keen to lose his cash as soon as possible.

The film followed the same narrative lines as the original but with some changes - there is no long suffering girlfriend here, only a prospect of a better life in the shape of Brie Larson. The mother role was transplanted intact but it was a mistake to have so many loan sharks played by familiar faces. Omar and Goodman both lacked menace and were too fond of talking and not keen enough on the leg breaking. I found it hard to believe the lines of credit being offered and the fact they were cool with Jim being in hock to so many bookies.

The film tried to add a bit of tension by having captions counting down the days until the debts became due. This was mostly pointless as Jim got shaken down every day anyway.

The gambling was mostly restricted to blackjack and roulette which at least it kept simple, without rules having to be explained. The Vegas sequence was a misfire with the ‘hit me on 18’ scene stuck in at the start which totally missed the point for me - in the original this was a sign that Caan was on an unbeatable lucky streak. Here he wins that one and then loses the lot.

The film missed the thrill and sleaziness of the gambling life with most of the bets being skill free coin flips. Fair enough the man’s an inveterate gambler, but his motivations and redemption were lacking for me.

Over all a decent character piece but one lacking any real insight or tension.

THE Tagline : Stick to the Seventies!  60%

No.218 : The Gambler (1974)

The Gambler (1974)

With our revolutionary new policy of adding the year of release after the film’s title we can now do pair ups of same named films. These may be remakes & originals or just the same name, different film. The options are literally two.

First up in this double bill-athon is the original ‘The Gambler’ from 1974. Don’t fret, there’s no Kenny Rogers in sight - this is a gritty look at the world of betting and gangsters.

James Caan plays ‘Axel’ a literary professor who is an inveterate gambler. We see him at first in a back street joint losing $44k - and that was a lot of money in 1974 - over a quarter of a million in today’s bucks. It’s not clear at first why get gets so much credit but we soon learn he comes from a rich family who bail him out. He has a lovely girlfriend in Lauren Hutton and a sweet Mustang, but he still needs his gambling hit.

He manages to get his mother to give him the cash, who extracts it from James Woods' slimy banker, but he’s straight off to Vegas to gamble it up. Despite winning, he soon loses the lot and more owing to his habit of picking the losers in every basketball match.

With Lauren fed up and his family despairing, Caan has one last card to play - will he get out from under or is he in a death spiral, from which there is no escape?

That quick summary covers more or less all of the plot, in what is a pretty straightforward film. As soon as we meet Caan he’s in a hole, a hole that he manages to make progressively worse as the film goes on. It was a great lesson in observation with many classic gambling traits rote large. He explains that he needs the action, so even when he’s ahead, it’s never enough. He’s a brave man as a cavalcade of familiar mob leg breakers dog his every step including Paul Sorvino and Paulie off ‘Rocky’.

Caan was excellent as the tunnel visioned Axel, who couldn’t see beyond the next big score. The film did show the highs of being a gambler too, with a great sequence in Vegas seeing him ride his luck to the point he was hitting on 18 as he knew a ‘3’ would be the next card. It never lasts though!

The chaos he creates for his family and friends was well done with his mother a picture of resignation. There was some confusion about where he was with his debts and who he owed, but I guess that would be a deliberate ploy to show how mixed up Axel’s life was. There were loads of great character actors on show with Huggy Bear being a standout at the end as , you’ll never guess, a pimp.

I felt the film should have ended with the climatic basketball matched but it meandered another ten minutes just to show that the spiral would continue as greater thrills were sought. Some things are better implied, but at least we got Huggy shouting some jive.

Overall this was a great character piece that was well observed and acted and it may even make you think twice the next time you fancy £5 on ‘Lucky Lad‘ in the Chepstow 5.15.

THE Tag Line : Take a bet on this  78%

No.217 : The Greatest (2009)

The Greatest at the IMDb

This film opens with Kick-Ass getting it on with Carey Mulligan - enjoy this happy scene as it’s the last bit of joy you’ll get for another 90 minutes, as a dysfunctional family deals with the loss of their son. Kick-Ass you see may be ‘the greatest’ in bed but isn’t so hot on his driving. He stops in the middle of the road to profess his love and is killed by Michael Shannon’s truck for his trouble.

His mother Susan Sarandon is devastated and his father Pierce Brosnan is a bit upset too. His brother is mostly stoned and the bereaved girlfriend, who survived the wreck, finds that she is pregnant.

We learn that Pierce, a maths professor, had an affair with Jennifer Ehle and his marriage is on shaky ground as a result. Sarandon wakes up crying every day and wants to know what happened in the 17 minutes following the crash, before her son expired. The other driver Shannon, is in a convenient movie coma, so she goes and reads to him hoping that he awakes and fills in the blanks.

The pregnant Mulligan moves in with the family but finds it hard to connect with Mum who wishes the girl had died and not her son. She also doesn’t want people to think they are blessed with the son’s baby, when she is grieving for her first born. Meanwhile the less favoured druggy son heads to a grief support group a la ‘Fight Club’ and meets a nice girl who sadly turns out to be a mental.

The film progresses in chapters, signalled by the months of the pregnancy. As she becomes due Pierce has a heart episode, Sarandon has a breakdown and Shannon wakes up - it’s almost like a movie script! Will the baby be born without issues and will it be accepted by the dysfunctional family who could fill a whole season of Alan Partridge’s ‘Problem People’?

I tried to like this film, and to be fair it had a lot of good qualities, but at the end it all seemed somewhat forced and unrealistic. For a start Brosnan and Sarandon weren’t a good match. You could say that’s why he strayed but her earthiness and his tidiness never really gelled, and in some scenes with them both wailing it was flat out embarrassing.

Mulligan was better, but she hadn’t much of an emotional range given she’d had the hardest time out of everyone. The big fall out seemed totally engineered and the coming together was laughable as the family chased the labouring mum to be through the woods. Everyone had a breakthrough and all was put right just in time.

Shannon, who spent the first 70 minutes in a coma only got one real scene and he didn’t convince as the criminal car crasher. He starts by telling Sarandon to bugger off but after a moment’s pleading he manages to recount every second of Kick-Ass’ last minutes in beautiful detail. Maybe that’s what she needed, but I doubt that’s what she really would have gotten in a prison hospital from a man going to the clink due to her idiot son.

The film did have some touching moments and was a decent essay on the way different people have varying reactions to loss. It seemed a bit pat and convenient on many levels however, and far from being ‘the greatest’ it will have to settle for ‘the average’ in this critic’s book.

THE Tag Line : Bring the Kleenex - no not like that -  57%

No.216 : The Chameleon (2010)

The Chameleon at the IMDb

Sometimes you see a story on the news and think ‘That’ll make an interesting film!’. Other times you go with ‘mmm, that’s interesting, I wonder if ‘Tipping Point is on?’ This film falls squarely into the second category. It’s a decent set up, based on a true story, but not a lot happens and things panned out pretty much as I expected from the off.

The film tries to be interesting by jumping about with the narrative timeline but ultimately it’s about someone faking an identity and getting caught doing it. There are the motivations of the various characters to consider, such  as to how they allowed this to happen but ultimately, who cares? The films tries and fails to inject some drama and insight into proceedings but it ends up with all the excitement of a ‘Crimewatch’ re-enactment.

The films opens in 2006 with Famke Janssen’s FBI agent trawling the bayou in Louisiana, presumably for a body. Before anything happens we jump back to 2000 and a boy being found in the street claiming he had escaped from kidnappers who had held him since 1996. He says he is an American boy who had gone missing in 1996 and, given he knows the names of all of the missing boy’s family, he is reinstated to them.

The sister greets him with open arms, the brother less so. The mother, played by a scuzzy Ellen Barkin, isn’t keen at first but soon starts to confide in her ‘son‘. No one seems to worry about the boy’s change in appearance or his new French accent and no one apart from Janssen who smells a rat. She thinks the brother killed his missing sibling and his acceptance of this interloper is proof that he has something to hide. Sister and mother both have their own issues and this new transplant offers an answer to some of their problems.

After an hour Janssen, like the viewer, gets bored of all the hanging around and arranges a DNA test which proves the missing son is in fact a serial French con man, who has multiple identities. He gets charged with the impersonation but can his new foothold in the family generate any new leads into the case of the missing boy? Before long we are back at the bayou where we started - will something get resolved at last?

I wasn’t impressed by this film and had nothing invested in any of the paper thin characters. Druggie Mum Barkin was like Seymour Skinner’s Mum accepting Armin Tamzarian into her home despite all the evidence to the contrary. The sister , who was an awful actor, was just plain needy and the violent and  potentially murderous brother carried all the threat of a Teletubby.

Famke had a thankless task going through the detective motions and you have to wonder why they bothered. We knew from the start he was a big faker and even though it was a true story it beggared belief that the police would accept the ‘missing’ boy’s story at face value, especially as all his knowledge of ‘his’ family was freely available on the internet.

I think the story would have been better served as a documentary, as the dramatic elements  that were introduced didn’t take and stuck out like a sore thumb. If you need to know about this thin tale I’d recommend the Wikipedia page over this dull 90 minute hash of the facts.

THE Tag Line - He Came, He Faked He Went Away -  45%

No.214 : The Cooler (2003)

The Cooler at the IMDb

Time for middle aged man wish fulfilment now - getting off with Maria Bello and winning at Vegas.

William Hall Macy, to give him his full name, stars as Bernie, a cooler in a Vegas casino. He’s basically the physical embodiment of bad luck and is employed by the casino to cool down players on a hot streak. His effectiveness is displayed by how much cream he gets in his coffee (not a metaphor) and how baggy his suit is. As the film starts he’s super baggy and cream free but that will soon change.

His casino, The Golden Shangri-La, is the last of the old school casinos, still run by the mob and holding out against the corporate takeover that has befallen many of its contemporaries. The manager Alec Baldwin likes his old school crooners and leg breaking policy, but change is on the way in the form of Ron Livingston’s corporate go-getter who is keen to transform the ageing casino.

Things change fro Bernie too as he meets up with attractive waitress Maria Bello. It’s unclear why she takes a shine to Bernie but the pair hit it off and are soon repaying Bernie’s demonstrative neighbours with sex noises of their own, albeit faked ones. This upswing in Bernie’s happiness is a dampener on his powers and soon everyone is winning on his watch. Added to the mix is Bernie’s hustler son and his possibly pregnant girlfriend and Bernie’s ambition to leave his old life behind. Can he get away and find happiness or will Baldwin display his big brass balls once again and keep him in his cooler job?

I hadn’t seen this film in many years and although I still liked it, it was hard to justify my previous 8/10 rating. It is very good with some excellent performances, but I just fund it somewhat slight the second time around. No explanation is given for Bernie’s powers and although Bello likes astrology, there is no suggestion that anything supernatural is going on. I think it was better left unexplained but as a gimmick it was a but light to carry a whole film - I could see it as an ‘X-Files’ episode quite comfortably, but as a 100 minute feature it seemed a bit padded.

Macy and Bello were good and I liked that my early thoughts that she’d never go for him were borne out when Baldwin’s scheming was revealed. It was nice that she did end up liking him after all and it’s doubtful that his piles of cash had anything to do with that. Both were fully immersed in their role and, whilst their expressions of love were justified in the context of the film, I could have done without the shots of Macy’s sweaty bum.

Baldwin was excellent as the casino boss hanging onto the old times but he didn’t quite match the intensity of his ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ performance. It was also good to see Ron Livingston off ‘Office Space’ and ‘Band of Brothers’ but he didn’t get much to work with as the corporate face of Vegas’ future.

There were some quite brutal scenes of women being beaten up and the film wasn’t shy is showing Vegas’ seamy underbelly, but a pat ending made for an enjoyable if slightly underwhelming experience.


THE Tag Line : Worth a Flutter 70%

No.211 : The Gift (2000)

The Gift at the IMDb

We finish our Keanu year 2000 triumvirate with ‘The Gift’ following ‘The Replacements’ and ‘The Watcher’. To say this is the best of the three is like saying Alec is the best Baldwin brother actor - it’s not really a competition.

This has quality written all over it with a top cast, cracking director in Sam Raimi and even Billy Bob Thornton showing up as co-writer. 

Cate Blanchett stars and gets a before the title credit which seemed strange so early in her career, but having seen the film you can see why - she is in nearly every scene and gives a cracking performance. She plays Annie, a young widow with three boys who possesses a psychic gift. She doles out readings to locals, such as beaten wife Hilary Swank who is married to the brutal Keanu. Keanu is a total bastard and blames Annie for his marriage problems rather than his philandering and wife punching powers.

Annie’s kids are playing up and on a visit to the principal Greg Kinnear she meets his fiancée, Katie Holmes. Katie has learned of Annie’s gift and asks if she sees anything in her and Greg’s future. She says she doesn’t, but we get a flash of Katie’s scabby and wet feet and know that things don’t bode well for her. Into the mix we also get Giovanni Ribisi’s slightly slow mechanic and Bill Lumbergh as the sleazy town prosecutor.

The action ramps up when Katie goes missing and, after a few days, they call in Annie for some clues. Police chief J Jonah Jamieson is sceptical, but less so when Katie’s body is fished out of Keanu’s pond, following Annie’s tip. 

After a court case, where Annie is branded a witch, Keanu goes down but Annie’s visions keep on coming. She knows that Keanu didn’t kill Katie, but who did?

This was a great film that was well told and edited with lots of clues peppered throughout. You have at least four solid suspects for the murder, and although I guessed correctly, any of the others would have been just as likely.

Blanchett does well as the wise women and I liked how she inhabited her visions while the past played out. The solid cast all did well apart from maybe Ribisi who was a bit too ‘Of Mice and Men’ for my liking. Word was that Billy Bob was asked to play the part, but I can see why he refused as it may have been a bit too close to ‘Slingblade’ for comfort.

I liked how Keanu was set up as the villain, but even after his conviction which saw Annie freed from his abuse, she still fought for the truth. Keanu was good as the bad guy and looked powerful when dishing out the lady beatings. Down the cast I liked Katie Holmes as the slutty Jessica and I wish we’d seen more of Bill Lumbergh’s pants down prosecutor.

The pacing and direction was excellent and I liked the final twist that gave an even more spooky and satisfying end to an entertaining film. Overall a cracking supernatural offering that will leave an impression.

THE Tag Line : Give Yourself the Gift of The Gift   -  80%