No.252 : The Animal (2001)

 

The Animal at the IMDb

Reviewing a Rob Schnieder film is pretty much an object lesson in futility – you know it’s going to be rubbish with a few cheap laughs, but let’s do it anyway.

This one dates from his golden period where he crapped out a couple of Deuce Bigalow films along with ‘The Hot Chick’ and ‘Stan Helsing’. Rob isn’t much of an actor so he relies on mugging a lot and crowbarring in as many fart jokes as possible. At least he can’t be touched under the Trades Descriptions Act, as you are served up pretty much what you’d expect with each outing.

Here Rob plays Marvin Mange a police evidence clerk who dreams of emulating his late father and becoming a fully-fledged police officer. He has failed the vital obstacle course the previous four years and pissed his pants during his last attempt. To add to his troubles, he gets grief off John C Reilly’s Officer Sisk who is a pumped-up alpha male, and no respect from his field trip school children.

He does have a couple of friends in a thinly drawn (the irony!) character ‘Fatty’ and in Miles, a black man who thinks everyone is being nice to him to atone for 400 years of slavery. He probably had the best lines in the film and I’m not saying that because he was black!

The action, as it is, starts when Marvin has to answer a 911 call having been left alone at the station. He gets distracted by a seal on the road and endures an endless car crash as his vehicle tumbles down an never-ending mountain before being crushed by a boulder. Hopes that he’s dead and we can stop the film after 25 minutes are dashed when he is rescued by a mysterious stranger. Through his fevered dreams Marvin has visions of various animals in medical gear before waking up at the crash site a week later. He isn’t very curious about his situation, but soon we see changes in his character and abilities.

It turns out he has been fitted with various animal parts, as you do, and can now run fast, swim like a dolphin and smell things up peoples’ butts. After a successful drugs bust and a water based rescue Marvin becomes a full police officer and starts dating local tree hugger Rhianna, who also runs an animal sanctuary.

The only fly in the ointment is an unknown predator referred to as ‘The Beast’ which is attacking people and eating cows – could these nocturnal events be down to Marvin or is he not the first to have endured animal part transplants? Soon an angry mob of townsfolk are hunting for The Beast and we have to wonder who is the culprit and can Marvin enjoy a happy ending?

I’d seen this film 20 years ago and thought it was quite funny. Time hasn’t been kind however and apart from a couple of scenes it was really poor. I’d did like Ed Asner telling Marvin that ‘We’ve all eaten from the garbage’ and the black characters outrage at people being nice to him still translated to today’s easily offended world. It was also fun to see the late Norm MacDonald as an inquisitive mob member and, as is usually the case in Rob’s films, Adam Sandler, this time as a baying rabble rouser. 

The wafter thin plot was padded with too many overlong scenes such as those with the orangutan and the goat, but I guess if you’ve booked the animals you better use them! There were a few plot holes which was some going seeing at it was pretty much transparent to start with- I mean, who ate the cows? 

As a mindless distraction this squeezes a pass but the laughs were too far apart and there was no plot or intrigue to speak of.

 

THE Tag Line : Animal Lacks Bite 51%

No.247 : The Gentlemen

 The Gentlemen at the IMDb

I wasn’t relishing this trip to the East End in the company of Guy Ritchie’s cadre of mockney Cockneys but it was actually really enjoyable.

Matthew McConaughey stars as Mickey, a poor American kid who earned a scholarship to Oxford University. Whilst there he supplemented his income by selling weed and eventually turned his talents into a large drug empire. In his voiceover he describes his plans to sell up and get out of the business but his plan is rudely interrupted when he’s shot in the head - or so we think. The pickled egg is ruined, that’s for sure.

We flash back to Charlie Hunnam out of ‘Sons of Anarchy’ getting an unwelcome house guest in the shape of Hugh Grant. Hunnam is Mickey’s right hand man and Hugh has a proposition for him. Hugh has gotten wind of the plan to sell the empire but has information that will assist them - the trouble is he wants £20 million for his data.

The film jumps back and forth and we see the marijuana set up, that sees Mickey befriend improvised Lords and set up large plantations on their properties. They get a cut of the profits and the operation can flourish without the ‘cunts’ who ramble chancing upon the illegal weed.

The empire is up for grabs for £400 million and it looks like Mickey has a willing buyer in Matthew a non threatening businessman type gangster. Mickey explains all his business practices, including a site visit,, but things start to go awry when the site is turned over by a shell suited gang who are trained by Colin Farrell’s ’Coach’.

Other players such as the Asian ‘Dry Eye’ are also in play and the film rattles along with the narrative device of Hugh describing what’s happening and how he’s gleaned his knowledge. Eventually we return to the pickled egg outrage - why are the Russians now involved, who is upsetting the applecart and can someone else be described as a cunt before the film…oh there we go.

There wasn’t an awful lot of plot here to sustain a two hour film, but that was easily compensated by a load of colourful characters and some cracking dialogue. I wasn’t convinced by McConaughey’s quiet menace or by Hunnam’s thoughtful consigliore, but Grant was excellent as the slimy Fletcher and he essentially held the whole film together. It was kind of him to explain the labyrinth plot of double crosses to me, and the editing and on screen captions kept the info dump going and the entertainment at full pelt.

Farrell was good fun as the foul mouthed coach and it was good to see Eddie Marsan, albeit in an underwritten role. The film wasn’t a comedy as such but was certainly played for laughs with one funny scene of Grant and Humman voicing some video footage a standout.

The violence was pretty comic book and even when people were getting bits chopped off the film never made me look away - such a big softie. The language on the other hand was fucking deplorable and they should all be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Previous Ritchie efforts haven’t worked for me with ‘Revolver’ in particular being incomprehensible. Lessons have been learned however, and this film was excellent and easily understood without the plot being spoon-fed to the drooling audience. The style and locations were excellent and you got the sense of a fun time being had by all. Not one to take too seriously but worth a look for the snappy dialogue, fun and scary situations and Hugh Grant calling everyone a cunt.

I would also suggest that ‘the gentlemen’ is an ironic title as this lot were just a bunch of cunts. Oh I’m at it now too…

THE Tag Line : Blow Me Away 80%

No.242 : The Package (2018)

 The Package at the IMDb

This is our second ‘The Package’ following the Dolph Lundgren/Steve Austin action thriller.  That was dreadful, but amazingly this effort manages to be even worse. Worse than a film starring a wrestler and Ivan Drago? You bet.

To be honest the signs were there early on - the film has emojis in the title with the aubergine being a substitute for a penis. Well you couldn’t lower the tone on your vulgar teen gross out comedy could you?

There is hardly a plot to speak of, but basically someone slices their cock off on a camping trip and it’s up to his friends to get him reunited with his pecker before reattachment surgery becomes unviable.

There are two young couples and some tiresome dynamics in play. They are horny teens but privileged ones with nice houses and fancy cars. One boy likes a girl but she has a douchebag boyfriend. Another is a pale ginger boy who is very annoying and compensates for his virginal state by being a complete asshole to all concerned. 

For reasons too dull to go into, the group go on a camping trip and the Navajo boy with the long black hair decides to play with his flick knife whilst having a midnight piss. He slices off his cock and is airlifted away by the air ambulance, sans John Thomas. His friends pack up the camp site and manage to find the mangled manhood. They learn it has 12 hours left before surgery won’t be possible so they try to get the pecker and plonker reunited via a variety of adventures involving stealing boats and dealing with crazed ex-military types. After an hour they get the Johnston to the hospital and the surgery is a success. But wait! There’s half an hour left so it’s discovered the cock has been sown onto the wrong man whose own member was severed by his mental wife who is still on the prowl. 

All the while romantic subplots are developing with one lad texting the girl he likes’ boyfriend to call it off. Will his subterfuge be found out and does she like him anyway? We need to know! Will the cock be reattached and will the horny teens end up with a nice big kiss?

This was a tacky and tasteless film and whilst that’s normally my go to, this was just plain awful. Every single character was a smug teen you wouldn’t tire of punching. The whole joke is that they have a loose cock to take care of, so inevitably it gets lost, puked on, bitten by a snake and then sucked off. The stunt cock is quite realistic but there are only so many ways a bunch of dildos can interact with a fake dobber and for it to be amusing.

There were perhaps two smiles but both were the same gag with someone taking over a man's TV with porn by hijacking their wi-fi. Apart from that it was dick this and penis that for an hour and a half. If I wanted that I’d watch the Tory party conference - little bit of politics there.

If you like your films mindless and unfunny you’re onto a winner here; and if cock jokes are your thing, then you’ve hit the mother lode.

THE Tag Line : Don’t Unwrap The Package 35%

No.240 : The Baker (2007)

The Baker at the IMDb

I bought the DVD of this film out of a charity shop years ago and fell asleep before I could complete my viewing. I then lent it to someone in the office who never gave it back (Emma, maybe?) and I gave it up as lost. It did however present itself on Amazon Prime, so I thought I’d give it a look hoping for a rediscovered classic. Frankly I shouldn’t have bothered, but at least it closes a chapter!

Damian Lewis stars as the titled character Milo ‘The Baker’ Shakespeare. He’s a hit man in the employ of Michael Gambon, but not a very good one as he’s questioning the nature of his business. Things come to a head in the first ten minutes when he offers the target the chance to run but is discovered by rival hit man Jamie Lannister, who completes the contract and tries to take down Milo.

Milo escapes to a safe house in a small Welsh village which also happens to be a disused bakery. The locals assume he’s going to start baking and Milo decides to oblige. He buries his guns but is observed by a local nut job who enjoys exploding sheep and conspiracy theories. An exploding sheep knocks Brodie out, but he’s rescued by love interest Rhiannon who is the local vet and pub waitress.

Axe starts to bake but is rubbish at it. Meanwhile his former career is discovered by the locals, all of whom have a target they’d liked rubbed out themselves. A misunderstanding leads a dead wife being credited to Major Winters who then gets lots of orders for ‘cakes’ which he thinks are for baked goods, but the locals think are for hits. Also added to the mix is Jamie who doesn’t like loose ends and is keen to close the contract.

Will Axe get the girl and settle down or have the choices he made in the past determined his future?

This was a strange film tonally. The IMDb description has it down as an ‘action /comedy’ but it does look like the comedy element was an afterthought with the dafter elements only emerging after half an hour. You could argue that it lures you in but it just seemed a bit disjointed to me, with none of the comedy scenes really working. You had the bloke out of ‘The Flying Pickets’ running around in his pants and a terrible exploding sheep special effect that they used twice, no doubt to justify the expense, but that was it really.

I like Lewis but comedy isn’t his strong suit and his ‘fish out of water’ act didn’t  resonate or amuse in the slightest. A young Jamie Lannister was very poor with some swordsmanship on display that would have embarrassed someone with a metal hand.

There were a few familiar faces in the supporting cast but I didn’t buy into their murderous intent and the conspiracy nut sidekick was just plain annoying. The film ran a predictable course with the big showdown as inevitable as it was unearned. Gambon showed up for the pay cheque and lacked the usual ambivalence that he normally deals out effortlessly.

Some of the scenes, such as the cast breaking character to sing ‘Volarie’, were misjudged and done so much better in films like ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’. Overall it was all over the place and by the end I had no interest or investment in the wafer thin characters or in their faintly embarrassing escapades. The whole enterprise could have done with another hour in the script oven.

THE Tag Line : Half Baked  - 53%

 

No.236 : The Overnight (2015)

First world problems now, as four yuppies spend a night worrying about their genitals and whether the bottle of wine they’ve brought is an acceptable gift.

Adam Scott and her off ’Orange is the New Black’ star as Alex and Emily, a Seattle couple who have recently moved to L.A. with their young son. They are having trouble with their sex life due to their kid bursting in at the wrong moment and for reasons that are explored later on.

They have had trouble making friends in their first two week as Angelinos, but things look up when they are approached by Jason Schwartzman after his and their kids start playing together. Jason seems a bit of a douche but they agree to go over to his later for a playdate with their kids and so the adults can enjoy some pizza - and a night they’ll never forget!

Things start out OK,  but gradually get stranger as Jason shows off his ‘butthole’ paintings and his wife’s hit breast feeding video. The hipster couple notice some reticence on the part of Alex and Emily when they refuse to go skinny dipping with them, especially when exposed to Jason’s extra large, and clearly fake dong. Alex admits he has a small penis and is ashamed of it. After some illicit substances and a pep talk from Jason he bares all and the couples get closer and closer.

How will the long night end and what will we learn about those involved?

This was an enjoyable if somewhat slight film that was shot over 12 days and takes place almost exclusively in a fancy L.A. house. There are no big set pieces or special effects and it is basically the four characters hitting off each other and gradually giving more and more away. I liked the slow burn with the breast feeding DVD the first inkling that things may not be as mundane as we initially thought.

The skinny dipping scene was funny, but they shouldn’t have used such obviously fake cocks as that took us straight out of any reality the film had earned. I’d imagine the two name actors wanted it to be clear and obvious that the tackle on display was not theirs.

There were a couple of laughs though, and not too much focus on relationships, which was a relief. I liked how the weirdness of the L.A. couple was just taken as a given with each outrageous revelation being met with barely a shrug.

The ending was somewhat unexpected and quite brave given what had gone before. Our uptight heroes did unwind very quickly but I guess a mixture of space cake and built up repression will do that for you.

Overall an enjoyable ensemble piece with good performances and a funny script that zinged along, without too many life lessons being offered.

THE Tag Line : Rubber Chicken? No, It’s a Cock  67%

No.227 : The Sand (2015)

 

The Sand at the IMDb

You know that TV show ‘Floor is Lava’? Well this film is basically that, with the floor being sand and to step in it is to risk a poor CGI demise.

The film opens with a bunch of frat kids having a beach party. I was concerned this may be a found footage affair as the first five minutes are basically jerky camcorder shots of teens doing shots and chugging beer. At one point they find a large slimy ball that looks for all the world like a testicle. They don’t pay it much heed but it couldn’t have been a more obvious plot device if it had ‘McGuffin’ written all over it.

Next morning the kids start to wake up. Four are in a car, two in a lifeguard station and one chap is in a barrel with a dick drawn on his face. Our lead girl Kaylee, sees a seagull get eaten by the sand, or to be more correct she sees it digitally erased, and immediately comes to the conclusion that the sand is alive and no one can step on it. Everyone takes this daft notion seriously, especially as teens start to be devoured by the hungry sand.

The ’monster’ isn’t clear from the start and takes the form of wispy tendrils that raise up from the stand and grab whomever it can. The majority of the film is then taken up with various plans to escape the threat. Things like building bridges out of wood and surfboards move the players about a bit and there is a sub plot about some one shagging another girl’s boyfriend, but essentially it’s just a poor excuse for having attractive young people slowly picked off by an unseen threat.

Salvation appears in the form of a disbelieving beach patrol guard but he’s soon killed off for disbelieving the kids and for being too old. Eventually we are down to four players and the monster is starting to reveal itself. Who will survive their day at the beach?

I saw this mess on Amazon Prime where it was tagged as a horror comedy. There were laughs to be fair, but they were of the ridiculous nature and seemingly unintended. The threat wasn’t discussed or explored, with only the testicle egg appearing split in half offering any  suggesting that the enemy may be of  extra terrestrial origin. Later on when it grew some tentacles it was a bit bolder but was less scary than when it was an unknown. That may be down to the quality of the CGI however, the software for which looked like it came from the cover of a magazine called ‘Shit CGI for Your Vic-20’ from the 80s.

The cast were uniformly awful but were serviced by some terrible dialogue “I don’t wanna die with a dick on my face” cried one - I hear you brother! The paper thin plot was like an unused 20 minute segment of ‘Creepshow’ stretched, beyond breaking point, to feature length.

Of course if watching some near teens cavorting about in their swimwear avoiding mild peril is your thing, you could probably do worse. More so if you like nitpicking your way through some terrible kills, massive plot holes and risible special effects. If however you’d prefer a decent film, I’d suggest that you look elsewhere.

Best Bit : Overacting Beach Patrol Man 40%

No.209 : The Raven (1963)

The Raven (1963) at the IMDb

We already saw a version of ‘The Raven’ but despite both being about the Poe poem this is a completely different kettle of fish than the John Cusack version.

This one from 1963 has a lot to recommend it with Roger Corman directing and the writing by Richard Matheson who also gave us the ‘Omega Man’ book ‘I am Legend’. The cast is also stellar with Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff and even a young Jack Nicholson all hamming it up. It would be impossible for the film to be as good as the sum of its parts but it’s still plenty of fun.

We open with a 16th century Price reciting the Poe poem ‘The Raven’ - just forget it wasn’t written until 300 odd years later. He plays a magician who has fun creating a large neon raven with his fingers before he is interrupted by a tap, tap tapping on his window. He is surprised to find a raven trying to get in and is even more surprised when it starts talking like Peter Lorre. The bird explains it is the victim of an enchantment and it needs Price’s help to restore himself to his human form.

Price agrees to help and after mixing up a potion Lorre is largely restored to his normal self, albeit with the feathers still in place. They need more potion but are lacking the vital ingredient of dead man’s hair - luckily Price has a handy source in the shape of his dead dad in the family crypt. He gets his lock but is surprised when his departed daddy tells him to ‘beware’. Price is a bit spooked and even more so when Lorre tells him that Price’s dead wife Lenore has been seen in the castle of local mystery man Boris Karloff. He checks that Lenore’s rotting body is still in place, and it is, but he worries that Karloff may have her soul.

The pair resolve to visit the old mystic and take along Price’s daughter and Lorre’s son, Jack Nicholson, for good measure. The coach ride takes an age but eventually they are at Castle Karloff (it’s only a model). Will our troupe solve the mystery of Lenore? Who is the best at throwing bolts out of their fingers and how many times can they squeeze ‘nevermore’ into the script?

I quite enjoyed this film despite it being nothing like what I expected. I went in expecting Gothic horror but instead got camp comedy for my troubles. It wasn’t an out and out laugh fest, but the mirth out scored the horror by five to one. Price was his usual, reliable self and good value as the aged magician. Lorre was good fun as the raven and as the duplicitous Dr Bedlo. Karloff was marvellously hammy as Dr Scarabus and a young Nicholson did OK as the son, but I’m not sure why he was wearing a Robin Hood costume throughout.

The action largely took place on a couple of sets, but there was enough going on to keep my interest. I liked the magicians’ duel with Price shooting green beams from his fingers whilst Karloff’s were blue - C’mon Boris!

Bits of Poe’s poem were laced throughout the script, but it certainly wasn’t a rigid adaptation of the source material, with Lenore for one taking a radically different character arc. At only 86 minutes the film doesn’t outstay its welcome and it was good fun to see an array of stars at different ends of their career trajectories.

A real historical treasure trove that, whilst never a classic, is well worth a look.

The Tag Line : Beam Me Up!  69%

No.206 : The Interview (2014)

The Interview (2104) at the IMDb

There are a few ‘The Interview’ films out there, hence the year in the title bar. This one is easily the most famous and, when it came out in 2014, it could probably have laid claim to be the most famous ‘Definitive article’ film of all time. That’s why we didn’t review it then. Now that the dust has settled I watched it again and to be fair it still held up. Not sure if it still merits the hype driven 8/10 I gave it then, but I certainly enjoyed it second time around.

The familiar pairing of James Franco and Seth Rogan play a TV host and producer respectively. Franco’s talk show is a ratings hit with stars like Eninem, Rob Lowe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt all lining up to tell their tawdry tales and humiliate themselves. Fair play to them all for having a good old laugh at themselves. Despite the show’s success however, Rogan is unfulfilled and craves the respect of his peers in the mainstream news channels.

Opportunity knocks when a tabloid reveals that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s favourite TV show, along with ’The Big Bang Theory’, is Franco’s. They offer the despot an interview on the show and after a funny trip to China for Rogan, the meeting is set up in North Korea. The CIA however want a piece of the action. Mesmerised by  Lizzy Caplan’s cleavage Franco agrees to their plan to kill Kim by way of a poisoned handshake.

Soon the lads are in Korea and, despite a setback when a guard eats the poison which is disguised as chewing gum, the two have a meeting with the big man who turns out to be that bloke off ‘Veep’. Franco is initially taken with Kim who likes drugs, girls and swearing just like him. He swears off the plot and ditches the replacement poison before learning not all is what it seems.

Will the interview go ahead and will our guys get out alive? Will they stick to the script and is Kim’s love of Katie Perry just a front?

Along with ‘This is the End’ I’d say this is my favourite of the Rogan/Franco films. I don’t like the stoner stuff and this was a bit more measured in its humour. There were some scenes that went a bit far - the fingers getting bitten off for a start, but overall it was well paced and, whilst not believable, it was good fun and made some sort of sense.

It was no surprise that Kim was portrayed as a playboy but the guy from Veep was good value as the war-mongering psycho who liked puppies and boobs. Rogan was probably the better of the main pair with some funny scenes with the hot North Korean lady soldier. Franco seemed a bit erratic, being a complete doofus in places yet having some sharp insights in others.

The CIA angle was mostly well done although it was stretching credibility how switched on their operation was. It seemed unlikely that our Hollywood luvvies would buy into a murder plot so readily, but it worked well, with the 'will they won’t they' aspect keeping me guessing despite having seen the film only a few years back.

That’s not to say it was forgettable; there was just a lot going on, and I could see my having a different favourite scenes when I watch it again in five year’s time.

The ending was a bit pat, but it was well earned with some big laughs and decent stunts along the way.

THE Tag Line : Interview Gets the Job Done 76%

No.204 : The In-Laws (1979)

The In-Laws at the IMDb

Columbo and Alan Arkin team up for this screwball comedy, which I thought was dire but seems to be quite well regarded - go figure!

The film starts with an overly elaborate bank robbery as a bunch of hooded men grab a bank truck with a big magnet and lift it over a fence where they cut the doors off to get at the loot. They disregard the cash for some metal plates, which I correctly guessed where engravings for bill printing. Go me. It’s not clear why the mint are driving the valuable plates around some back streets but there you go.

A robber takes the plates on a long journey as the titles run and ends up with Columbo. The robber says he needs the agreed $1.5 million paid by tomorrow. Columbo says that this may present a problem as his son is soon to be married and he has to meet the in-laws - that’s the name of the film!

Alan Arkin plays the other half of this odd couple as a buttoned down dentist who yells too much. The two families meet and Columbo tells tall tales  before hiding one of the plates in Arkin’s basement.

He then shows up at Arkin’s dental office and ropes him into a scheme where the remaining plates are removed from his safe under the noses of some heavies. I wasn’t clear why he split the plates up or why he left them somewhere where he couldn’t get at them but you have to go with it. Arkin manages to recover the plates but doesn’t appreciate being shot at, and his wife is unhappy too as she found the other one and called in the cops.

At this point I wasn’t clear if Columbo was a crook or a CIA operative as he claimed. He gets disavowed by his handler Ed Begley Jnr, but that may be a bluff too. Anyway, before the wedding the two guys have innumerable and intolerable adventures where they fly to Honduras in a racist airline ‘Wong Airways’ before trying to offload the goods to a tiresome dictator. Will they survive? What is the plot? And will they make the wedding on time?

You’ll probably have gathered that I didn’t enjoy this one too much and to be honest the only smirk the film earned from me was the dictator’s new flag for his country that has a big pair of knockers on it. I know lowbrow humour wins the day, but I didn’t enjoy the farce or wackiness that permeated throughout the film.

I normally like Alan Arkin, but as a shouty and neurotic dentist he was no fun and Columbo was no better as the man of mystery I couldn’t get interested in. At times the comedy was so on the nose I could barely watch, with the dictator’s hand puppet and silly voice just plain embarrassing.

The plot was sketchy at best and really just served to put our heroes into funny situations. The idea that the plates will be used to destabilise the economy was fair enough but why not just take out the baddies with some carpet bombing, rather than have an overlong and unfunny caper to achieve the same result? Oh, so you can have a film?, I see.

The set pieces were poor with an overlong car chase that inevitably resulted in the demise of some fruit, and another sequence where they kept circling with the baddies in their cars -’Again?’ says Arkin at the fifth repetition - I’m afraid so Alan.

The high praise lavished on this film tells you that it must appeal to someone, but it wasn’t me. The capers were too contrived and the characters lacked anything that made me give a toss.

THE Tag Line : As Fun as a Visit to Your In-Laws -  50%

No.197 : The Replacements (2000)

The Replacements at the IMDb

Time for a bit of sporting fun now as we try to cram every cliché possible into this unsatisfying American football romp.

We meet our hero Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves) as he clears barnacles off the hull of a boat whilst scuba diving. He finds an old American Football trophy discarded on the sea bed and relives a moment of glory before going back to his work. We learn he was a former star who froze during his big chance at the Sugar Bowl a few years back. They didn’t explore why he didn’t use his time travel phone box to fix things, which may have made for a more exciting film.

His chance of redemption comes along pretty quickly, as all the overpaid football stars are going on strike. The producers must have been a bunch of commies as the players were made out to be the bad guys with one moaning about the price of Ferrari insurance. Too bad it’s a short career that leaves most with brain damage!

Local team, the Washington Sentinels, are an outside bet to make the playoffs - if they can win 3 out of their last 4 games they qualify. The club’s owner gets washed up boss Gene Hackman to take over the team and to recruit a posse of replacement players to win the day. We get a quick montage of loads of characters who might, just might, be the greatest players you’ve ever seen.

Strangely the cheerleaders are also recruiting - must be out in support of the players- , with the ladies getting a ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ style montage of all the losers making a tit of themselves. A full stable of cheerleaders is however found in the strip joint with their leader definitely not going to fall for Keanu’s quarterback, as she doesn’t date players. Well for about five minutes she doesn’t.

The team go through training, fights and then bonding and soon the first game looms. Can they win  3 out of 4 after losing the first? - 3 out of 3 then Duh! And will the various misfits find the redemption they crave?

This was a strange kind of film that had no interest in the labour laws situation and it didn’t address things like crossing a picket line or undermining the original players’ genuine grievances. I’m no Ted the Red (Cuba!) but it seemed a bit strange for a blue collar film to side with the management - it was ‘Carry on at Your Convenience’ all over again.

The reasonable cast fared badly with some poor material. Reeves was OK in the lead but Jon Faverau was wasted as an annoying character who just ran into people. Rhys Ifans was better as soccer player Nigel from Wales who could kick massive field goals whilst smoking a fag. It looks like he was let down in the edit as his arc didn’t make any sense at all. There was also a lot of shoving and name calling and, most regrettably, dance numbers.

Hackman phoned it in and showed no passion at all - compare him to Pacino in ‘Any Given Sunday’ and you’ll see a lightweight getting smashed by a heavyweight in the 'down at heel football coach' role.

The games were poorly scripted with each of the four games coming down to the last seconds with our guys just behind. There was very little in the way of actual game play, the kind you see most Sundays, with every point being either a comical mishap or a death defying kick or throw.

It was OK in places but ultimately it was an uneven mess with unengaging characters and a suspect premise.

THE Tag Line : Strike it off your list!   55%

No.196 : The Signal (2007)

The Signal at the IMDb

There is another ‘The Signal’ out there dating from 2014 which has three times more votes than this one on the IMDb. We didn’t get where we are by being popular, so it’s the less seen one for us.

I went into this cold and thought it was a tonal mess. It was only when reading up on the film I see that the three segments or ‘transmissions’ were filmed by three different directors using different genres to tell their part of the story. I’m not sure what this approach added to the project, apart from confusion, as it was grating to see the film jump about the place with an in-cohesive narrative.

Anyway, we open with our heroine, Mya, getting out of bed. She keeps her bra on in bed but takes her knickers off. Fair enough. Mya is having an affair and is worried that she can’t get though to her husband to spin her lies due to a strange signal on her phone. The TV also displays strobing patterns and we suspect that this is ‘the signal’ of the title. And we’re right!

Mya heads home and meets up with her suspicious and controlling husband and his two friends. They are all pissed off that the can’t watch the game due to ‘the signal’ and tempers start to fray. Before long random people, including the husband's friend who happens to have a baseball bat, become homicidal maniacs and the killing begins.

Mya gets away but hooks up with a neighbour and the two head out to find that the city is aflame with murders happening all over.

The seconds transmission sees a couple setting up for a New Year’s party. Bodies have already begun to stack up with the wife either mental or in denial. This section is played for laughs and doesn’t sit well alongside the first which was straight out horror. This one goes on too long and there is too much farce on show with comedy clubbings, Vic and Bob Style.

The last section charts Mya’s journey to the station where she had agreed to meet her lover before the chaos started. Will she make it? Will ‘the signal’ be explained? And how come that disembodied head is talking?

This was a cheap looking, horror satire that overextended itself in terms of ambition and effects. Some bits were decent with others just looking plain daft. One chap gets his head cut off and it’s later reanimated so it can be interrogated. Good science! This was in the comedy section but it just looked daft.

If they had kept to the tone of the first section throughout this could have been a serviceable survival post apocalyptic thriller. Instead you were taken out of the action with the slapstick of chapter two and you also lose sight of your main character for 30 minutes which is never going to be satisfying.

You won’t know anyone in the cast but they were mostly serviceable and I liked Anessa Ramsey in the lead, despite thinking she was the waitress out of ‘Always Sunny’ for most of the film.

You could say this was a brave experiment in mixing genres but to me it was just a mess and a waste of time. A couple of good kills and getting hit by a frying pan is never going to sustain a 100 minute film.

The Tag Line : 3 Directors? More is less, 53%

No.181 : The Alibi (2006)

The Alibi at the IMDb

As a fan of most things Coogan, I was hoping that I’d unearthed a hidden gem here from 2006. Alas it’s a dud and rightly forgotten.

Steve plays Ray Elliott a slick businessman who operates a high end organisation that supplies alibis to cheating spouses. We open with him meeting with regular client James Brolin who is a happy customer, so much so that he recommends the outfit to his son, Cyclops off ‘X-Men’.

The set up seems unnecessarily complex with operators intercepting calls and operatives checking into hotels in the client’s names with identities switched. Of course the elaborate scheme immediately comes undone, with Cyclops’s girlfriend dying during some kinky sex. There’s no suggestion of murder so I don’t know why they can’t just say it was an accident, which it was. That’s not a plot however, so what follows is a lot of convoluted encounters that makes the whole mess more complicated than Mensa running an episode of ‘3-2-1’.

Near the start of the film we see Steve employ Rebecca Romijn and he explains the operation to her as well as to us, the unconvinced viewers. It seems however that Rebecca may have her own agenda. Meanwhile, Brolin hires Sam Elliott to whack Steve to protect Cyclops, whilst Sam’s daughter Selma Blair fancies Steve and plans an assignation with him. We also get John Leguizamo, in some ill advised corn rows, as the real boyfriend of Cyclops’ date and some side plot about Coogan’s unseen partner ‘Jack’ who may or may not exist.

The various players meander their way towards a big showdown at a hotel which is maybe played for laughs, but I wasn’t sure. They did go for farce and to be fair it couldn’t have been more farcical if Ronnie Corbett had shown up with his trousers at his ankles.

There were a few signs early on that this was a troubled production. Two directors isn’t a good start nor is narration to tell you what’s going on - show, don’t say! There was also a lot of fast edits and call backs, and the whole enterprise was just plain confusing.

I get that they were trying to make some sort of commentary on social mores but it just came across as a lot of random stuff loosely patched together into an incoherent narrative.

Coogan tries hard but he seemed out of his depth in the leading man role, and it was a mistake to have Romijn as his love interest as she towered above him. Usually reliable heavy weights like Brolin, Elliott and Lezguizamo were given precious little to do, and what they got was a poor use of their talents.

You didn’t care for Ray and his sleazy business and at the end the big reveal was met by me with a resounding ‘so what’? It was also a bit tame also for a film about adultery, with everyone keeping their underwear on and swearing kept to a minimum. These seemed strange choices, and you have to wonder what audience they were actually aiming for?

My guess is that the end product was the result of massive cuts and reediting that led to the voice over and short 86 minute run time. There may have been a decent film here at one point, but it certainly wasn’t the one that oozed shamefully onto my DVD player.

The Tag Line : Make an excuse not to watch -  45%

No.178 : The Wackness (2008)

The Wackness at the IMDb

Although made in 2008 this film looks to capture those crazy days of 1994 when pagers and mix tapes were all the rage.

We follow our hero Luke through a hot New York summer as he deals with issues and has a romance with Judge Anderson, no less. The film has chapter cards showing each month in a graffiti tag style which was also used to vandalise the ‘Sony Picture Classics’ logo at the beginning, in what was a fun touch.

Luke kills the time before he heads for college by pedalling dope from an ice cream cart whilst staying out of the way of his parents who are constantly fighting and about to lose their fancy mid town apartment. Luke also engages in therapy with his slightly offbeat shrink played by an excellent Ben Kingsley. He is a bit off the wall but offers solid advice in exchange for packages of pot.

Luke is still a virgin - must be the only drug dealer who is! - and has no friends. He doesn’t always charge for his drugs but is still left out of the party invites and of the trips abroad. Things look up however when he meet’s Ben’s stepdaughter, the lovely Olivia Thirlby. She is a free spirit and agrees to start seeing Luke, an event that leads the pavement to light up Billie Jean style as he walks home.

The two enjoy an idyllic beach house weekend and despite Luke’s hair trigger the two get it on before Luke spoils it all by saying something stupid like ‘I love you’. Olivia has a different agenda and cuts him off. Meanwhile Ben and his wife Famke Janssen are splitting up and as a result he's taking up hard drugs and suicide attempts.

With all this disfunctionality on show, who will survive the summer and what will the fallout be? Can Luke embrace the dopeness (good) and forget about the wackness (bad)?

I really liked this film despite not being a fan of the drugs culture or of the hip-hop music that permeates throughout. The two leads are great and their long chats are good fun as are their experiments in bad behaviour.

The whole melancholy mood is well realised and I got the vibe of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums' of lives being on hold waiting for something to happen. New York looked great with the hot, claustrophobic elements of the city brought to the fore.

The ending was satisfying - hopeful but not Hollywood. Overall this was an enjoyable outing to a more innocent time when drug busts, mobile phones and Covid-19 were all the things of a madman’s dreams.

THE Tagline : Dopeness Achieved - 75%

No.177 : The Goods (2009)

The Goods at the IMDb

Given the stellar cast on show I was surprised that this film passed me by on its original release. As it neared it’s end it dawned on me that I had seen it before but had largely forgotten it. Either that or I have suddenly become great at guessing major plot twists!

The cast is excellent with at least a dozen of recognisable faces on show. It could be a case of less is more however as lots of them get very little to do.

Anyway, we follow the fortunes of Don ‘The Goods’ Ready (Jeremy Piven, unshaven) who, along with his crack team, shakes up used car lots and sells the stock. In this case it’s James Brolin’s ‘Sellick Cars’ that are getting the treatment. The sales force, who include Ken Jeong, Buster Bluth and Charles Napier, haven’t sold a car in weeks and James is close to selling the business to his idiotic son in law, Ed Helms. Helms is engaged to James' daughter and runs a rival lot which he advertises with his boy, sorry, man band.

Don takes the call and, after a party flight in which he convinces the stewardess of his patriotic right to smoke they arrive at the lot. Their shock and awe tactics work too well when another patriotic speech sees the sales force attack Ken Jeong over Pearl Harbour despite him being Korean. “We participated in a hate crime”.

The plan includes hiring strippers and Craig Robinson’s ‘DJ Request’ who refuses to play anything that is asked for. Day one goes well with 70 of cars sold from the lot of 214. Obviously things need mixed up so Don takes a mad bet from Helms that he can sell every car, failing which Helms takes the lot. There is also a go nowhere subplot of a possible offspring for Don and a couple of romantic turns for the rest of the crew, including a stripper for Ving Rhames (Fresh from ‘The Tournament‘!) and a suspect youthful pursuit for Kathryn Hahn “The rug matches the drapes”.

Will the cars be sold? What happened in ‘Querque and will the insufferable Helms get the lot and the girl?

I enjoyed this film despite it lacking much in the way of substance. The first half hour is best when they set the scene and there are a couple of cracking un-PC moments that I doubt they’d event attempt these days.

It slowed down once the previous gung-ho Don started to reevaluate his life, but it was a funny touch that resolved the parenthood of his ‘son’. His romance seemed a bit unlikely with the lovely Jordana Spiro (The woman with the bar on ‘Ozark’) falling for his charms with rather undue haste.

Kathryn Hahn’s character had a lot of the funniest lines “They made me breastfeed an old man”! but her attraction to the ten year old boy with the hormone issues was a bit creepy - make it a ten year old girl and there’d rightly be outrage.

There were a lot of funny scenes, and I liked Will Ferrell’s skydiver being plagued by dildos, but at times it looked like a long ‘Funny or Die’ sketch with things happening for no other reason than to be funny or outrageous.

The ending was signalled from a long way off but it was good fun and although we didn’t grow or learn anything a few laughs were had.

THE Tag Line : The Goods Deliver 71%

No.162 : The Stag (2013)

The Stag at the IMDb

I’ve been on a lot of stag weekends but none like this - still who’s making films about drunken Scotsman charging about Brussels? Far more fun to have drugged fuelled Irishmen running about the countryside in the nip.

The film is very Irish with Irish Film Board sponsorship and a likely backhander from the tourist board too. It’s pretty gentle stuff with a bit of growth being the main driver, but it was mostly enjoyable with lots of redemption thrown in for good measure.

Andrew ‘Moriarty’ Scott stars as Devin, a lecturer in Dublin who is due to be best man at his friend’s Fionan’s wedding. That name gets plenty of laughs with no one ever getting it correct. In fact, if he was called ‘Brian’ the film would be five minutes shorter.

Fionan is not exactly a man’s man and would rather go on the hen night than contemplate a stag weekend with his pals. His bride to be Ruth, insists that he has the final blow out  and soon it is agreed that a small group of Fionan’s friends will join him on a hike around some of Ireland’s more scenic parts. On its own that’s a bit dull so a wild card is thrown in, in the shape of ‘The Machine’, Ruth’s brother, who is known to be a bit of a handful. He got so much of a build up that I was expecting it to be Hulk Hogan or somebody, but it was just a regular bloke with a funny name.

The guys avoid The Machine’s calls and hope to go on the hike without him. After a quick, and mostly tiresome trip to the camping shop, they head off on their adventure with no The Machine in sight. Happily for the film, Ruth gives away the destination and The Machine shows up in an entertaining torrent of gay slurs and bad language.

They head out the next day with The Machine wearing just his usual about town gear. The rest are kitted out like Millets’ gold card users, but things soon level out when their gear gets lost along with the car keys and a compass that may have some emotional attachment for Devin.

With the lads high on elicit substances, some home truths are revealed along with their arses. As they try to make it back to civilisation will the wedding happen and will they all ever be the same again?

I liked this film and despite a couple of dips it had enough to keep me entertained throughout. It was well observed with the usual guys bullshit and hierarchy all present and correct.

Scott had most of the weight to carry and he do so well with his usual wide eyed shouty style. I twigged the twist early on but to be fair you’d need to lose your compass not to spot it.

The Machine character had most of the laughs and best lines but it was disappointing when he gave up vulnerabilities of his own. I guess we all play a part and inside we’re all as messed up as each other.

The pivotal scene with the lads in the nip was good fun but it went on a bit and there are only so many arse cheeks I can watch in one sitting.

There were a few laughs and a couple of decent payoffs especially with the U2 scene where we just knew a character’s hatred of all things Bono was going to be disproved.

The hike itself seemed a bit easy to an experienced hill walker like me but I guess the crew weren’t for humping equipment up hills. The cast did well and threw themselves into some pretty demanding and revealing scenes.

The wedding at the end wrapped everything up nicely and although a bit pat (even gay hating Dad turned out nice!) it was hard to grudge them a happy ending.

THE Tag Line : A 7 Point Stag! 70%

No.155 : The Stuff (1985)

The Stuff at the IMDb

I remember seeing posters for ‘The Stuff’ when it was realised in 1985 and thinking it looked interesting. Sadly it was ‘R’ rated and I was too busy with ‘S.S. Experiment Camp’ and Cannibal Ferox. Simpler times when you are 14! I came across it again on a trawl through Amazon Prime and thought I’d give it a go. Sadly some films should remain as posters on the wall in the Muirhead Café’s video department for all time!

We encounter the titular stuff in the first moments of the film. A man, who couldn’t be mistaken for an actor, finds the white stuff bubbling through the snow and has a taste. He’s a brave man - this was the era of white dog shit remember! He deems it delicious as does his friend - before we know it everyone is tucking into to this tasty marvel and the ice cream industry is getting nervous.

They have tried to analyse the mysterious foodstuff with no success. They had also tried to bribe The Food & Drug Administration for some details but all those involved in its approval are now dead or on holiday. Their only option is to hire corporate spy Mo Rutherford to get the low down on the mysterious morsel. Mo, played by Michael Moriarty, is an annoying know it all with a slow drawl and cowboy boots. He gets results however and has soon recruited The Stuff’s head of marketing to his endeavour.

Meanwhile a young lad is waging his own campaign against the stuff. He saw it moving about on its own in the fridge and tries to stop anyone eating it. Sadly his acting school must have burnt down as no one believes him. That is until he joins up with Mo and Mo’s unfortunately named accomplice ‘Chocolate Chip Charlie’. Wouldn’t happen today, I can tell you.

The investigation takes a few predictable turns and we are treated to some dreadful model work, as a dog and then a man contort violently when the stuff exits their bodies, leaving empty husks behind. Soon the source of the stuff is located. Can it’s inexorable conquest of greedy people continue unabated? Or will that old ‘stolen uniform’ plan work as usual?

I enjoyed the start of ‘The Stuff’ but it soon ran out of puff and I was struggling to see it through to it’s predictable ending, where it may not all be over after all!

The themes of addiction, corporate greed and an exploding dog are well worn and were handled with all of the subtlety of a sledgehammer wrapped in another sledgehammer. The ultimate source and point of the stuff was never really explored - it was just there, it was exploited and it was bad for people. I’m sure it was a metaphor for something, as the white ooze became additive and then consumed people, but I was too busy eating my McFlurry to work it out.

There were a couple of minor star turns with Danny Aiello and Paul Sorvino off ‘Goodfellas’ hamming it up for no worthwhile purpose. I did like some of the special effects, including a reworking of the spinning room out of ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ but it was strange that these sat cheek by jowl with some absolutely risible effects that wouldn’t have made the cut of kids’ TV show ‘Knightmare’.

I could see how the film would be a cult classic as some of the dialogue and effects are just the thing that trendy post modernists would love to have a go at. Unlike me. I did see a few lifts taken by ‘The World’s End’ and there was a decent amount of invention for a budget that seemed to run out half way through.

There wasn’t enough development in the threat for me and it just seemed a straight forward outing of danger followed by a pat resolution. The film is barely 90 minutes but I had had enough of ‘The Stuff’ long before the credits rolled.

The Tag Line : Stuff This 56%

No.144 : The House (2017)

The House at the IMDb

I found The House lurking on Amazon Prime and was surprised that I hadn’t heard of it before, given its decent cast and production values. Having watched it, I find that its relative anonymity is well deserved.

Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler play a married middle class couple with a teenage daughter. They are a bit hard up despite living in a house that would make Barbie blush, in a neighbourhood with no beggars or dog shit on the streets. Things are relative I guess and their main concern is that they can’t afford to send their dull daughter to college.

Things should be OK though, as their daughter is the favourite to get a free college scholarship from the local town council. Guess they are the most needy after all! The rug is pulled however when the sleazy town councilman reveals that the sponsorship has been cancelled to pay for the new town pool. We later learn that he is stealing the cash to finance his affair with his well seated colleague, but more of that later.

Our happy couple try various ways to get the college money but after failing to get pay rises and loans they have no option but to try and gamble their meagre funds up, using the expertise of their gambling friend, Frank. The fact that Frank’s house lacks any furniture and his wife is leaving him doesn’t raise any red flags, so they head off to Vegas. After a great winning spell, sponsored by the Wynn Hotel, they lose the lot and are resigned to having the daughter hanging about the house for the next three years. But wait! There’s always breaking the law!

With indecent haste (well it is a 88 minute film), they set up a casino in Frank’s house. Things are small scale for about five minutes, but before long it’s a massive operation with neon lights, topless dancers and headline acts. Will the operation last long enough to raise the required funds? Will the corrupt councilman or the local mob get the cash or will truth and justice prevail and they all go to jail?

I was set up to really hate this film as it had all the hallmarks of a lazy cash in with blank spots in various stars’ diaries blocked out for a couple of weeks for an easy payday. As it was, I only slightly disliked it and there was the odd laugh - albeit cheap and shameful ones.

Ferrell and Poehler play off well together and they are wise not to bother with acting - you want them as you know them and that’s what you get. Poehler is done a disservice by the wardrobe department as they have her running about in baggy, unflattering shorts, as well as by the script which only gave her one good line about a Giant’s dick. Ferrell gets most of the funny stuff and despite doing his usual hapless idiot bit he has a few decent scenes, especially as ‘The Butcher’.

There are a lot of familiar faces thrown in for your money including a congressman off ‘Veep’ and David Wallace off ‘The Office’, who was criminally underused.

The plot, as it is, hits its marks from A to B to C with the minimum of fuss, with the predictable loss of the takings getting sorted out in about five minutes. ‘The villain’ of the corrupt politician was no threat at all and the film lacked any sense of danger. To have him as a whiny idiot with a fat fetish was a mistake as the outcome was never in doubt with him as the opposition.

The morals of the film are pretty low with drugs and gambling being celebrated along with the beating up of women, murder, illegal dice games etc. I thought there would be a moral lesson at the end but no - get your money however you can, and screw the consequences. I was fine with this but the film felt uneven with lots of things thrown at the wall with only a few of them sticking. For example in a two minute sequence there were nods to ‘The Terminator’ and ‘The Six Million Dollar man’ - apropos of nothing whatsoever.

There were a couple of chuckles and surprises though, and I especially liked Jeremy Renner showing up as a mob hit man who really should have stayed at home.

All in all this was a decent distraction but I wouldn’t be doubling down on any sequel.

THE Tagline - A Busted Flush! 62%

No.142 : The Festival (2018)

The Festival at the IMDb

Here’s a Film 4 film starting Simon out of ‘The Inbetweeners’ and directed by one of the creators of ‘The Inbetweeners’ so it’s bound to be something different - no way will it be a lazy cash in using the same characters and jokes will it? Well yes. It would be the work of a lazy reviewer to keep referencing the obvious connections, so let’s do that then.

Simon plays ‘Nick’ who is really just Simon but with a different haircut. Instead of playing a schoolboy whilst in his early 30’s, the now 35 year old Simon plays a young man just graduating from university. He has range, you have to give him that! The film opens with him having sex with his dull girlfriend, Caitlin. She’s played by Simon’s real life partner so that’s a bit creepy especially as they have no chemistry whatsoever. To be fair, they may be great actors, because the plot is that she’s about to dump him.

Before we get to the plot the film nails it’s colours firmly to the mast when Simon’s ejaculate goes over his graduation gown, meaning we get a lovely scene of his mother scratching it off and licking her fingers. Caitlin tells Simon they are finished, and after embarrassing himself at the graduation, when he begs for her to come back, he goes into a downward spiral.

Things soon look up however when his chunky friend Shane reminds them that they have tickets for a music festival. Simon doesn’t want to go as Caitlin will be there. ‘Don’t worry we won’t see her’ says his friend ‘There are 100,000 people there’. Of course they meet up before 30 minutes have passed. Before that great moment we get some treats as our heroes try to get on the train using children’s tickets - it’s not like Simon has made a career out of pretending to be young is it?! On the way they meet Amy, an annoying yet lonely Australian festival regular. Hope she gets a nice character arc as she seems a bit sad.

At the festival our heroes immediately meet up with Caitlin as well as her friends - the rich one, the ditzy one who doesn’t remember names and the stoner. They also meet ‘The Pirate’ who is so called as he has one leg. The Pirate has designs on Caitlin so is immediately the boo hiss bad guy despite being far more likeable than Simon.

Various festival adventures follow such as those old standards of a bestiality druid ceremony and a drug bender with a Smurf. The climax promises to be great - what celebrity will be revealed to be the mask wearing DJ Hammerhead? Will our friends find love and will drug use, goat sex, disabled abuse and vandalism ever be acceptable in a mainstream film? You big square!

It would be churlish to be too harsh on this film. It doesn’t set out to be great art and is instead a celebration of freedom and having a good time. As a 49 year old misery it was hard to get invested! I didn’t like any of the characters and Simon’s journey from being a dick to being a slightly lesser dick gave me no warm feelings whatsoever. Annoying Amy was just that, and her fledgling romance with black man mountain Shane didn’t ring true at all.

There were a couple of minor cameos with Nick Frost showing up as a tattooist in one scene. The reveal of the famous DJ’s secret identity was seriously underwhelming and the whole subplot with the druids was just weird.

Simon’s night of love was OK but as a car owner who had someone once sleep in his Fiesta I have to call foul on that behaviour. I did quite like the scene of him imagining a life with the Smurf girl through marriage, kids and divorce but I think I liked it better when I first saw Harold & Kumar do it with a big bag of weed.

The film could easily have been retooled as an ‘Inbetweeners’ episode and it really only served to confirm that the parts of that group are less than the sum of the whole. Hee-hee I said ‘parts’ and ‘whole’ - they should have had me scripting this film!

Not many laughs are to be had at ‘The Festival’ but it was easy going, offensive fun.

Pass marks but only just.

THE Tag Line - Life With A Smurf Can Be Fun. 53%

No.140 : The Double (2013)

The Double at the IMDb

More double trouble now as we follow Richard Gere’s double agent misadventures with a more literal double. Who will win the Double Duel? Probably this one as Gere was gash.

This is a bit more art house than we are used to on The Definite Article Blog, with the film being an adaptation of the book of the same name by Dostoevsky. Don’t worry, it’s directed by and stars most of ‘The I.T. Crowd’ so how high brow can it be? The answer is ‘reasonably’ as things like metaphor and symbolism crop up, meaning we have to pay attention, lest we look a bit thick.

Jesse Eisenberg stars as James a clerk in a dystopian workhouse where he inputs data for seemingly no purpose. The drones all work for James Fox’s Colonel who, although cheery in his TV ads, seems a bit sinister. James’ immediate boss, Mr Papadopolous, doesn’t know his name - ‘Inconceivable!’ (it’s the guy out of ‘The Princess Bride’!) - but asks him to tutor his punk daughter in the ways of the company.

James however is more interested in co-worker Hannah but is too shy to ask for a date, instead settling on going through her rubbish to reconstruct her ripped up art. He also has a mother in a care home where everyone is armed and Sidekick Simon is head orderly.

James’ dull but predictable life is upset when a new worker, Simon starts. He is Simon James whilst our man is James Simon. That’s not the worst of it - they are exactly alike in looks and clothes, the only difference being is that Simon is a hit with the ladies and basically everything James is not on the personality front.

Despite some initial friction the two start to work together with James doing Simon’s work and Simon giving James coaching in the ways of love. Slowly the two seem to merge with injuries to one manifesting on the other. The lines get blurred and it’s not always clear who is who. Could they be one and the same? Is this a lesson in duality and in the different personalities that inhabit us all? What will the end game be? Who’ll get the girl, and does it really matter?

I quite liked this film but it was heavy going in places and seemed long even at its trim 90 minutes running time. The bleak world was well realised with more than a few nods given and debts owed to Terry Gilliam’s ‘Brazil’. The grey and beige world had an Eastern European feel, and the pointless work in the crumbling office was well observed. The cast were uniformly good, playing deadpan at ridiculous set ups and in pointless exchanges. The whole tone was one of claustrophobia and oppression and you were keen to escape this world as soon as possible - I don’t think I’ll be buying the DVD!

The only bright spot was  an adventure show on TV with Paddy Considine as a kick-ass hero. This was lifted wholesale from ‘Storm Saxon’ in ‘V for Vendetta’ but it was good fun. It was also enjoyable to see Chris Morris, Chris O’Dowd and Tim Key pop up in small but funny roles. All played against type as faceless bureaucrats keen only to get their form completed and filed away.

The film was generally unsettling but an interesting essay on the nature of self and the duality that exists within us all. If that sounds a bit like student wankery don’t blame me - the film started it!

THE Tag Line - Twice the Jesses - Double the fun 68%

No.137 : The Bargee (1964)

The Bargee at the IMDb

I found this film on an obscure satellite channel and it does seem something of an unknown given it has fewer than 300 ratings on IMDb. This is a bit of a surprise given the stellar British cast and the writing team of Galton & Simpson who gave us Steptoe & Son and Hancock, starring Will Smith. Having viewed the film however, I am happy to let it resubmerge itself in the canal of mediocrity. It was really dull and apart from a game of ‘it’s that guy out of…’ it doesn’t have much to offer.

Part of that is down to the era in which it was made. Released in 1964 things hadn’t quite started swinging in the sixties yet, and the glory days of the 1970’s sex comedy starring Robin Asquith were still many years away. This one does try to be a bit cheeky and risqué but it gets bogged down in a moral maze and a selection of house coats that are anything but sexy.

Anyway our hero Hemel  as played by Harry H. Corbett, is named solely for a weak joke about being born in Hemel Hemstead - this allowed for an obvious zinger  about being born somewhere else with an even worse name and this weak gag meant he was stuck with the unlikely moniker for the rest of the film.

Hemel works the canals, slowly transporting goods up and down the country, with his cleverly named cousin Ronnie, played by Ronnie Barker. Where do they get their ideas?! There is a prescient scene at the start where the man at the docks says that the industry is winding down and that a young man like Hemel (Corbett was 39 at the time and looks 50) should get out now. This advice falls on deaf ears as Hemel has a power of shagging to do. Or ‘get some dinners’ as they coyly put it.

He has a girl at every lock and sends postcards ahead to them heralding his visits. All the girls think they are the one and are desperate for the oily rag and bone, er,  canal man to marry them. Ronnie is not so lucky and bemoans that he always gets the ugly ones. Mirrors were not in common use until 1965. Hemel’s first date goes wrong when the ‘beautiful girl’ he plans on meeting is in fact an ancient looking bar maid with a massive bouffant. Hemel gets his dinner but when she finds out about his other girls she chases him up the canal as his boat put-puts along at 2 m.p.h.

The long dull stretches of sailing up the canals and navigating locks are made even more dull with their encounters with Eric Sykes who plays an annoying man in a cabin cruiser. He plays the part well; that is to say he is really annoying in every scene he is in.

The film slowly meanders to the main action which involves Hemel getting a girl and Ronnie taking care of her over protective Dad down the pub. After they leave we learn the girl is pregnant and the Dad starts a siege at the lock. Soon the entire occupancy of The garret Club has shown up and our likely lads are nearing the lock on their return journey. Will Hemel come clean and start a new life away from his boats? Or will the new wife add to her general humiliation and set sail with him?

This film started OK but it spluttered to a halt as soon as Eric Sykes hoved into view, and never got back into gear again. The values of the film were all over the shop - I guessed the men were supposed to like Hemel and envy his free and easy life style. As it was he just came across as an unlikeable creep. Barker was poor too as the illiterate cousin who needs the captions on his girlie mags read out to him. His part was wafer thin and you can see why he started to write his own stuff.

The saving grace of the film was in the bit parts with people like Derek Nimmo, Richard Briers, Arthur off ’On the Buses’ and Mr Barraclough all showing up in a variety of stereotype roles.

The pacing of the film was awful with lots of scenes running well beyond their sell by date. The siege at the lock went on for so long that one of the characters had to go for a crap half way through!

At nearly two hours there was probably enough here for a decent one hour TV episode - adverts included. It was a bit of an oddity with a sex crazed deviant having to work against 60’s censorship and ankle length skirts, and failing miserably to offer any titillation whatsoever.


THE Tagline : Don’t touch this with a ten foot bargee pole. 45%