No.209 : The Raven (1963)

The Raven (1963) at the IMDb

We already saw a version of ‘The Raven’ but despite both being about the Poe poem this is a completely different kettle of fish than the John Cusack version.

This one from 1963 has a lot to recommend it with Roger Corman directing and the writing by Richard Matheson who also gave us the ‘Omega Man’ book ‘I am Legend’. The cast is also stellar with Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff and even a young Jack Nicholson all hamming it up. It would be impossible for the film to be as good as the sum of its parts but it’s still plenty of fun.

We open with a 16th century Price reciting the Poe poem ‘The Raven’ - just forget it wasn’t written until 300 odd years later. He plays a magician who has fun creating a large neon raven with his fingers before he is interrupted by a tap, tap tapping on his window. He is surprised to find a raven trying to get in and is even more surprised when it starts talking like Peter Lorre. The bird explains it is the victim of an enchantment and it needs Price’s help to restore himself to his human form.

Price agrees to help and after mixing up a potion Lorre is largely restored to his normal self, albeit with the feathers still in place. They need more potion but are lacking the vital ingredient of dead man’s hair - luckily Price has a handy source in the shape of his dead dad in the family crypt. He gets his lock but is surprised when his departed daddy tells him to ‘beware’. Price is a bit spooked and even more so when Lorre tells him that Price’s dead wife Lenore has been seen in the castle of local mystery man Boris Karloff. He checks that Lenore’s rotting body is still in place, and it is, but he worries that Karloff may have her soul.

The pair resolve to visit the old mystic and take along Price’s daughter and Lorre’s son, Jack Nicholson, for good measure. The coach ride takes an age but eventually they are at Castle Karloff (it’s only a model). Will our troupe solve the mystery of Lenore? Who is the best at throwing bolts out of their fingers and how many times can they squeeze ‘nevermore’ into the script?

I quite enjoyed this film despite it being nothing like what I expected. I went in expecting Gothic horror but instead got camp comedy for my troubles. It wasn’t an out and out laugh fest, but the mirth out scored the horror by five to one. Price was his usual, reliable self and good value as the aged magician. Lorre was good fun as the raven and as the duplicitous Dr Bedlo. Karloff was marvellously hammy as Dr Scarabus and a young Nicholson did OK as the son, but I’m not sure why he was wearing a Robin Hood costume throughout.

The action largely took place on a couple of sets, but there was enough going on to keep my interest. I liked the magicians’ duel with Price shooting green beams from his fingers whilst Karloff’s were blue - C’mon Boris!

Bits of Poe’s poem were laced throughout the script, but it certainly wasn’t a rigid adaptation of the source material, with Lenore for one taking a radically different character arc. At only 86 minutes the film doesn’t outstay its welcome and it was good fun to see an array of stars at different ends of their career trajectories.

A real historical treasure trove that, whilst never a classic, is well worth a look.

The Tag Line : Beam Me Up!  69%

No.143 : The Gate (1987)

The Gate at the IMDb

When I was scrolling through the vast THE Movies to see database I stopped at this one as it starred Stephen (it’s a good name) Dorff who is usually good value. It was only after about ten minutes, that I realised that Dorff was playing the 10 year old hero in this 1987 horror. Who knew celebrities aged at the same rate as the rest of us?! Dorff was actually 13/14 when playing the role of Glen but looks younger. He must have had a big spurt later on, as he was in ‘Backbeat’ just 7 years later.

‘The Gate’ isn’t great, but it was better than I thought it was going to be at the 15 minute mark - it had all the hallmarks of an after school special, but it soon branched out into a master class of horror effects and teenage screams.

We start with Glen having a hell of a time - his garden is a nightmare and his tree house gets hit by lightening - but wait! It was only a dream! He gets up and finds men taking away a fallen tree in his garden and dismantling his tree house - was it a dream? Yes but a prescient one!

His McCann like parents announce that they are going away for the weekend and are leaving Al, Glen’s 14 year old sister, in charge. Glenn isn’t to go out as he’s been grounded due to nearly setting the house on fire due to his hobby of firing rockets - remember that for later. Al is told not to have a party so immediately we get a cut to the tamest teenage party you’ll ever see - plenty of 80’s hair and legwarmers though.

Glen is too busy investigating the hole left by the fallen tree in his garden with his nerdy friend Terry. They have found a geode worth loads of bucks and decide to dig for more - huge mistake! They find a biggie but this unleashes Hell, or at least loads of guys in demon suits, shot in forced perspective (thanks IMDb) - but for all the world it looks like stop motion.

Things get worse with a dead dog and a zombie in the wall - can the gate be closed or will hell reign of Earth?

This film was decent fun with plenty of nods to every teen and ‘summon the devil’ film that you’ve ever seen. There an early seen when words appear on an off brand Etch-a-Sketch - ‘Don’t read them out’ I thought. Of course they do and smoke starts billowing out of the gate!

The effects were good and I especially liked the demonic minions despite them being pretty ineffectual. The big boss at the end was less good as was the conclusion which was a bit pat.

It was well done however with almost the whole film taking place on one set. It felt claustrophobic without being limited, although I kept thinking that the parents would be mad when they get home.

The mostly young cast were fine with some frankly terrible dialogue to contend with. Most of the exposition comes from a heavy metal album sleeve so you knew it wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously. Dorff does well in his first major role and he kept the right side of being too cute. His sister and nerdy pal were worse, as was the ‘frat pack’ of beer drinking assholes who wandered in and out of scenes.

There were enough good bits to keep you interested and I especially liked Terry’s dance with his late mother which was then revealed to be with the family’s aged dog Angus.

There wasn’t too much gore, and it was more laughs than horror, but if you are looking for some mindless fun you could do worse than to open ‘The Gate’. Sorry.

THE Tag Line : You’ll Rate ‘The Gate’! 69%

No.105 : The Change-up (2011)

The Change-up at the IMDb

One word or two? Hyphen says one!

Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman star in this high concept body swap comedy.

The pair play life-long friends with Bateman a successful lawyer with three kids while Reynolds has an enviable loafer lifestyle devoid of commitment or worry. The two discuss their lives over some beers and when they take a piss in a fountain their expressed dream of wanting the other’s life is granted by the statue looking down over them. OK it’s a lot of twaddle but at least they mock the plot themselves when explaining the situation to the wife.

What happens next is essentially two fish out of water stories for the price of one as the slacker has to cut it in the corporate world while the lawyer has to try his hand at soft porn and bedding sluts. It is better than it sounds but you can probably guess that both learn to appreciate what they have and to be more considerate to others. Again this sounds terrible but for compensation there is also swearing, ample nudity and a baby that projectile shits into someone’s mouth.

The plot is easily covered in a couple of paragraphs but there is a lot to recommend the film not least the two leads who seem to be having a lot of fun with the sometime ribald material. Bateman is always good value and he does well shifting gears from the stuffed shirt to the layabout who sometimes manages to outwit rooms full of high flying merger analysts. Reynolds gets more of the fun as the slacker who has small time acting jobs in low budget pornos. He also has some funny scenes with a heavily pregnant love interest and with Bateman’s wife who really should learn to close the bathroom door.

To pad things out there is also a couple of subplots one of which involves Bateman’s co-worker Olivia Wilde whom he arranges a date with Reynolds whose body he presently inhabits. That’s the trouble with these body swap films it always sounds more complex than it is and I for one need to keep reminding myself that he’s not who he looks like, he’s the other one. The film addresses this towards the end as a panning shot shows our men alternate between their real and assumed persons as people pass by.

The message of the film is signalled from the off with Bateman not appreciating his family and Reynolds’ avoiding his father’s (Alan Arkin) wedding  - both could do with a wake up! The power behind the switch is never addressed and it really doesn’t need to be - it’s basically an excuse for two hours of growth, values and toilet humour.

Overall the film is a bit too long to maintain its thin plot and although well made and offering a liberal sprinkling of sex and vulgarity it could have done with some tightening up. That’s said it was far better than I was expecting when it started with some nappy changing and there were enough surprises, mostly naked ones, to keep me watching.

THE Tag Line - Boobs, Bonding and Baby Shit  69%

No.53 : The Ex (2006)

The Ex at the IMDb

Our shortest title to date - Hurrah! And the title foxed me too! I thought the happy new parents we saw at the start were going to fall out when he loses his job, but no! ‘The Ex’ in question is a high school sweet heart of the wife who tries to come between the happy couple.

The film opens with the couple, Zach Braff and Amanda Peet choosing baby names. I was a bit worried that it was going to be a bit cutesy pie but it quickly got on track when our hero meets a couple of ass holes in the shape of a braggart school chum played by Josh off ‘Sports Night’ and a horrible boss played by Brian Fantana off ‘Anchorman. The kitchen scene was a cracker and a must see for anyone planning on losing their jobs.

With Zach sacked he heads off with wife and baby to take up an advertising job with her father in Ohio. The office is populated by various people you’ve seen in other films including an underused Amy Poehler as an off kilter employee. The main action takes place in the trendy advertising loft as Zach meets ‘The Ex’ in the shape of Jason Bateman’s wheelchair bound manipulator.

What follows is a familiar tale of mind games as Bateman humiliates Zach and starts to turn everyone against him. Some of his schemes are pretty funny and it kept the offbeat nature of the film on track. Soon Zach has a chance to shine when he discovers a child star who can do a trick that’d never get on TV - mass chokings anyone?

With Zach alienated Bateman starts to make a play for his wife and we have to wonder if the most obvious of the two obvious twists will be used - wrong! - they use both the obvious twists!

I didn’t expect to like this film seeing as Braff is usually as funny as cold sick but he made the wise move of surrounding himself with some great talents to largely favourable results. Bateman is great playing his usual smarmy bastard and does his familiar over friendly, but not really routine. He came across as genuinely mental and his manipulative schemes were all good manic fun.

I suppose we were meant to side with Zach but he’s such a douche that you wonder how he got a knock out wife and hope that his slacking will see him undone. The last act let the film down by being too predictable and by having the wife shift her character 180 degrees in 30 seconds.

It’s a shame that guys like Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler only got cameos but their scenes gave us the biggest laughs and there were plenty of other familiar faces to keep us interested, such as Mia Farrow as the under written mum.

Given some of the tat that qualifies as entertainment I thought this funny and well made film would have enjoyed a higher profile. Yeah, there is a bit of baby and relationship stuff but you also get a sauce fight and plenty of cock gags so it’s well worth a look as a ‘date night’ movie.

THE Tag Line : Ex-cellent - Well Quite Good At Any Rate 69%

No.43 : The Losers (2010)

The Losers at the IMDb

This ‘men on a mission’ thriller isn’t anything ground breaking or original but it has a lot of laughs and action which I imagine is pretty much what it sets out to do.

The plot is the familiar ‘fish out of water’ scenario which sees our five man CIA black ops unit go on the run when a mission goes awry. Their mission, to take out a drug lord, goes ahead despite the baddy’s compound being full of kids - just like in ‘Clear and Present Danger’. Our men can’t let a big missile blow up the kids (and the bad guys) so they decide to steam in and save the brats in what seemed a bit of an unlikely decision for a bunch of hard assed mercenaries. Still we need to know they are the good guys early on, so fair enough.

They manage to get the kids out but are targets for death themselves and only survive due to them giving up their ride for the soon to be angelic infants. Now off the radar our guys set out and a revenge mission of their own against the mysterious Max who is keen for a big war to start so he can deal weapons and seize power. With our men without money and arms they are stuck in Bolivia until a sexy babe offers them a deal to get back to the USA, in return for offing Max Headcase.

Our team are soon back in the arms of Uncle Sam and set up some elaborate plans to track down and take out the bad guys. Of course there are bumps in the road in the shape of a traitor in the gang and some hidden agendas but essentially it’s just a big man hunt with a sequel looming large at the end.

The plot summary there may make this sound a pretty simplistic film and that’s because it is. The plot goes from A to B to C with no real deviations. It’s kind of like an A*Team set up with our guys on the run and trying to clear their names while righting some wrongs.

I enjoyed the film throughout and I was glad to see it’s comic book origins weren’t hidden like a dirty secret. A few times the characters dissolve into their cartoon equivalents and the cracking opening credits had Jock infused panels all over the place.

The characters were all spot on and it was good to see a few familiar faces bring the strip to life. Of the main five you have Stringer Bell, Johnny Storm and The Comedian with a couple of decent turns making up the numbers. I particularly liked the hat fetishised sniper who, like every movie sniper in history, never misses a shot. Also good was Zoe Saldana who spent most of the film in her bra and acting mysterious and the always reliable (apart from all the time) Jason Patric as Max, whom I bet was written as enigmatic but just came across as a tit.

The action scenes were all well done with the armoured car hijack and money plane show down both great sequences. I also liked Johnny Storm picking off the guards with his lethal fingers in one of several funny set pieces that set the film above many of its contemporaries.

Over all the film is largely mindless and forgettable, but for the 90 minutes you are watching it you’ll have a few laughs, some sexy action and plenty of explosions - sound like a good deal to me.

THE Tag Line : Losers : A Winner! 69%

No.28 : The Saint (1997)

The Saint at the IMDb

Val Kilmer tries to fill Ian Ogilvy’s big shoes in this 1997 spy thriller which was directed by ‘Clear and Present Danger’ helmer Phillip Noyce.

We open in a Far East orphanage “yesterday" where the proto-saint is having a hard time with an Oirish priest and a group of fellow orphans, who look like they’ve just been given a half day off stage school. Our man is a rebel from the off and soon is at odds with the priest - probably had a chastity belt on or something. He shows signs of his reckless side and after a booty call on his young love tragedy strikes which sets the course for our man’s life.

We jump forward to “today” and meet the grown up Saint in the shape of Val Kilmer on a robbery. We learn that he is a master of disguise and accents, as long as the disguise and accent is that of Val Kilmer. He manages to escape with the loot and in the process makes an enemy of a mafia boss’s son and makes himself a target of the mob.

The mob are however impressed and use some early email to enlist The Saint’s help in securing some cold fusion technology being developed by unfeasibly young and blonde scientist Elisabeth Shue. The mob do however vow to bump Val off once they have the goods - like any other possibility would ever be considered.

Val descends on England and gets Elisabeth down to her bra in nothing flat before scampering off with the formula. The mob are however unimpressed as they can't make the formula work and therefore set off a gang of hired goons to kill Val and kidnap Lizzy. The two get over the awkward ‘humped and dumped’ situation pretty quickly and are soon tearing through the streets of Moscow with the bad guys in pursuit. Can Val change his ways? Will the mob utilise the discovery to start a revolution? And will Elisabeth’s heart condition and Val’s childhood loss be forgotten in a hasty re-edit? - that last one for sure.

I actually enjoyed this film despite misgivings going into it. I remember on release it got terrible reviews and most focused on what a tit Val Kilmer was in real life. It’s a bit of a shame really as the film is a clear forerunner to the Bourne franchise with real violence and workable gadgets rather than the James Bond fantasies which were running at the same time.

The film hangs on Kilmer’s performance and I thought he was pretty good. At points when he was doing his Aussie accent or when he was dressed up as on old hag it got pretty close to farce but overall I think he pulled it off. His goofy professor character was a bit too much but overall the make up and his mannerisms won me over. His motivations were a bit weak with his ambition to make $50 million and then retire never really followed through. His romance with Shue didn’t totally convince but that was more down to her, with her brilliant scientist a giggly school girl in his presence.

The action scenes were well realised although largely low key. There’s no Bond style destruction here but the authentic locations and the odd explosion managed to keep my interest. The film does start to taper off towards the climax with the baddies public lab experiment perhaps the weediest incitement to revolution that you’ll ever see - why did they just not plug it in?

The bad guys are your usual clan of gangsters and bent army men but I did like the gangster’s son with the metal headed stick who managed to hold his own with the Saint in their kicking contests. He gets horribly burned near the end and it looked like his real resolution was cut out for a dull arrest instead.

The original Saint got barely a look in with only a Saint logo badge and Roger Moore on the radio stuffed in at the end to make it anything to do with the source material. The fast pace and elements of danger were well done and although it skirted the ridiculous a few times it stayed just this side of credible. I liked the film and it’s a shame it never made it as a franchise.

THE Tag Line : Saint Not As Bad As You've Heard 69%