No.247 : The Gentlemen

 The Gentlemen at the IMDb

I wasn’t relishing this trip to the East End in the company of Guy Ritchie’s cadre of mockney Cockneys but it was actually really enjoyable.

Matthew McConaughey stars as Mickey, a poor American kid who earned a scholarship to Oxford University. Whilst there he supplemented his income by selling weed and eventually turned his talents into a large drug empire. In his voiceover he describes his plans to sell up and get out of the business but his plan is rudely interrupted when he’s shot in the head - or so we think. The pickled egg is ruined, that’s for sure.

We flash back to Charlie Hunnam out of ‘Sons of Anarchy’ getting an unwelcome house guest in the shape of Hugh Grant. Hunnam is Mickey’s right hand man and Hugh has a proposition for him. Hugh has gotten wind of the plan to sell the empire but has information that will assist them - the trouble is he wants £20 million for his data.

The film jumps back and forth and we see the marijuana set up, that sees Mickey befriend improvised Lords and set up large plantations on their properties. They get a cut of the profits and the operation can flourish without the ‘cunts’ who ramble chancing upon the illegal weed.

The empire is up for grabs for £400 million and it looks like Mickey has a willing buyer in Matthew a non threatening businessman type gangster. Mickey explains all his business practices, including a site visit,, but things start to go awry when the site is turned over by a shell suited gang who are trained by Colin Farrell’s ’Coach’.

Other players such as the Asian ‘Dry Eye’ are also in play and the film rattles along with the narrative device of Hugh describing what’s happening and how he’s gleaned his knowledge. Eventually we return to the pickled egg outrage - why are the Russians now involved, who is upsetting the applecart and can someone else be described as a cunt before the film…oh there we go.

There wasn’t an awful lot of plot here to sustain a two hour film, but that was easily compensated by a load of colourful characters and some cracking dialogue. I wasn’t convinced by McConaughey’s quiet menace or by Hunnam’s thoughtful consigliore, but Grant was excellent as the slimy Fletcher and he essentially held the whole film together. It was kind of him to explain the labyrinth plot of double crosses to me, and the editing and on screen captions kept the info dump going and the entertainment at full pelt.

Farrell was good fun as the foul mouthed coach and it was good to see Eddie Marsan, albeit in an underwritten role. The film wasn’t a comedy as such but was certainly played for laughs with one funny scene of Grant and Humman voicing some video footage a standout.

The violence was pretty comic book and even when people were getting bits chopped off the film never made me look away - such a big softie. The language on the other hand was fucking deplorable and they should all be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Previous Ritchie efforts haven’t worked for me with ‘Revolver’ in particular being incomprehensible. Lessons have been learned however, and this film was excellent and easily understood without the plot being spoon-fed to the drooling audience. The style and locations were excellent and you got the sense of a fun time being had by all. Not one to take too seriously but worth a look for the snappy dialogue, fun and scary situations and Hugh Grant calling everyone a cunt.

I would also suggest that ‘the gentlemen’ is an ironic title as this lot were just a bunch of cunts. Oh I’m at it now too…

THE Tag Line : Blow Me Away 80%

No.240 : The Baker (2007)

The Baker at the IMDb

I bought the DVD of this film out of a charity shop years ago and fell asleep before I could complete my viewing. I then lent it to someone in the office who never gave it back (Emma, maybe?) and I gave it up as lost. It did however present itself on Amazon Prime, so I thought I’d give it a look hoping for a rediscovered classic. Frankly I shouldn’t have bothered, but at least it closes a chapter!

Damian Lewis stars as the titled character Milo ‘The Baker’ Shakespeare. He’s a hit man in the employ of Michael Gambon, but not a very good one as he’s questioning the nature of his business. Things come to a head in the first ten minutes when he offers the target the chance to run but is discovered by rival hit man Jamie Lannister, who completes the contract and tries to take down Milo.

Milo escapes to a safe house in a small Welsh village which also happens to be a disused bakery. The locals assume he’s going to start baking and Milo decides to oblige. He buries his guns but is observed by a local nut job who enjoys exploding sheep and conspiracy theories. An exploding sheep knocks Brodie out, but he’s rescued by love interest Rhiannon who is the local vet and pub waitress.

Axe starts to bake but is rubbish at it. Meanwhile his former career is discovered by the locals, all of whom have a target they’d liked rubbed out themselves. A misunderstanding leads a dead wife being credited to Major Winters who then gets lots of orders for ‘cakes’ which he thinks are for baked goods, but the locals think are for hits. Also added to the mix is Jamie who doesn’t like loose ends and is keen to close the contract.

Will Axe get the girl and settle down or have the choices he made in the past determined his future?

This was a strange film tonally. The IMDb description has it down as an ‘action /comedy’ but it does look like the comedy element was an afterthought with the dafter elements only emerging after half an hour. You could argue that it lures you in but it just seemed a bit disjointed to me, with none of the comedy scenes really working. You had the bloke out of ‘The Flying Pickets’ running around in his pants and a terrible exploding sheep special effect that they used twice, no doubt to justify the expense, but that was it really.

I like Lewis but comedy isn’t his strong suit and his ‘fish out of water’ act didn’t  resonate or amuse in the slightest. A young Jamie Lannister was very poor with some swordsmanship on display that would have embarrassed someone with a metal hand.

There were a few familiar faces in the supporting cast but I didn’t buy into their murderous intent and the conspiracy nut sidekick was just plain annoying. The film ran a predictable course with the big showdown as inevitable as it was unearned. Gambon showed up for the pay cheque and lacked the usual ambivalence that he normally deals out effortlessly.

Some of the scenes, such as the cast breaking character to sing ‘Volarie’, were misjudged and done so much better in films like ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’. Overall it was all over the place and by the end I had no interest or investment in the wafer thin characters or in their faintly embarrassing escapades. The whole enterprise could have done with another hour in the script oven.

THE Tag Line : Half Baked  - 53%

 

No.239 : The Foreigner (2017)

The Foreigner at the IMDb

Jackie Chan sorting out the troubles in Northern Ireland sounds like a recipe for disaster but this was a really enjoyable and well made thriller.

Jackie, looking all of his 63 years, plays a restaurant worker in London. He is protective of his daughter but lets her head into a dress shop as he parks his car. Huge mistake! The dress shop explodes killing the daughter and several others. An adjacent bank has been bombed taking the frock shop out in the process.

We see the investigation going on, along side the cell of IRA bombers celebrating their success. They are the ‘Authentic IRA’ and are keen to derail the peace process in their bid for a united Ireland. Pierce Brosnan plays a Gerry Adams type government minister who used to be in the IRA but now works to try and maintain the fragile peace. His bosses in London charge him with finding those responsible but we suspect early on that Pierce knows more than he’s letting on.

Meanwhile a grieving Jackie is looking for answers. He is initially fobbed off by the police and Brosnan but they don’t realise who they are dealing with - it’s Jackie Chan for goodness sake! Jackie spots Pierce’s likely involvement early on and gets his attention by setting off a home made bomb in his office toilet - must have had extra chillies in the Madras.

There are a lot of twists and double dealing but eventually the terrorist cell is identified; but what are their targets, who is giving the orders and can a quest for revenge ever end well?

This film rattled along at a great pace and it boasted excellent performances from its two leads. Brosnan was especially good in his most Irish outing since ‘Taffin’. His Nord Iron accent did slip at times but he was good value as the sleekit minister unable to detach himself from his past. He had some good lines calling Chan ‘a fookin’ wanker’ at one point.

Chan kept away from his usual wisecracks and elaborate fight scenes, playing a more introspective character who was like a force of nature flying through endless Irish henchmen. There were fights of course, but they were pretty brutal with Chan himself taking plenty of licks.

The action scenes were well done, as you’d expect from Bond director, Martin Campbell and the plot was twisty without ever being confusing or needlessly complex.

The rights and wrongs of the political situation weren’t really addressed with the murder of women and children being condemned and only the rogue cell being the out and out and out bad guys. Brosnan’s was a conflicted character who had our sympathies at the start but his façade was slowly pulled down by Chan’s interventions until he was revealed as the villain of the piece, albeit with decent initial intentions.

The only thing I didn’t like was the title which makes the film sound like some BNP propaganda effort. The words ‘the foreigner’ are never used and Chan says at one point he’s a British citizen. I guess the original book title ‘The Chinaman’ was rejected as it sounds a bit racist. What not call it ‘Chan v Bond : Irish Style’? I’d have definitely watched it before now if it had been!

THE Tag Line : Well Maybe You Should Be Watching This! 80%

 

No.176 : The Tournament (2009)

The Tournament at the IMDb

30 of the world’s best assassins converge every 7 years (despite it saying ten on that poster) and have a last man standing free for all with the winner getting $10 million. We witness the end of the previous event and now the Tournament is happening again - and this time it’s in, er, Middlesbrough. God knows why - maybe a council grant or something?

Ving Rhames is defending champion - he’s not back because he’s pissed the prize money away - he’s back for revenge as one of the participants killed his wife. He must have had a late flight however as he doesn’t show up until we are about halfway through.

We follow the fortunes of Kelly Hu who is sexy and deadly. Not much personality, but you can’t have everything. She hooks up with innocent (!) priest Robert Carlyle who is having a crisis of faith and is also a target after another competitor fed him his tracking chip, meaning the pissed up priest is fair game.

Meanwhile the action is being monitored by a room of clichés; rich gamblers like the loud Texan and sinister Orientals who have bets on the outcome. Middlesbrough has loads of CCTV that the baddies can hack into, so our gamblers can get their thrills. It also seems to have no police or many civilians at all.

We get various face offs between contestants including that French bloke who does parkour and a nutty American who we don’t like as he kills a dog. Soon the numbers are whittled down, especially after a bloody encounter in a strip joint.

As you would expect it’s comes down to our three principals - who will win…The Tournament?! Not the audience, that’s for sure!

This was actually a decent offering if you have parked your brain and are just seeking shoot ‘em up thrills. It was a mistake to make Carlyle’s priest so prominent as his crisis of faith was just dull and it beggared belief that a top assassin would take him under her wing.

The action sequences were decent with the big motorway finale well choreographed. They do seem to have a lot of crappy old cars in Middlesbrough though - just as well as they all get blown up.

There was little in the way of characterisation with Rhames especially phoning it in. Hu was lovely but her dialogue was a bit stilted and I wasn’t buying her hard ass rep. Of the under card you get your usual cavalcade of psychos and exotics with snipers, grenade chuckers and one chap with a rocket launcher all adding a bit of colour - mostly red.

The film does lose momentum in the last third with the showdown and ending all being somewhat predictable. It was decent enough but you can see why there wasn’t enough to kick-start a franchise here.

THE Tag Line - Everyone is a loser in the Tournament 58%

No.124 : The Hit (1984)

The Hit at the IMDb

This 1984 dark comedy drama directed by Stephen Frears had passed me by, but it’s well worth checking out not least for its stellar cast and sunny locations.

The film opens with Willy Parker (Terence Stamp) being bundled from a grotty flat and into a waiting car. We learn that he’s a London villain who has turned grass against his former colleagues. Once he has finished his testimony the court descends into chaos as a chorus of ‘We’ll Meet Again’ rises up. It transpires that despite saying to barrister Jim Broadbent that he has had no inducements to give evidence Willy has accepted a cushy package from the cops which allows his a comfortable life in Spain…Until now.

It’s not clear how Willy’s remote bolt hole is discovered after 10 years, but after a small fight he’s bagged and delivered to two hit men by four Spanish youths who get a briefcase of TNT for their trouble.

The hit men, played by Tim Roth and John Hurt, tell Willy that he has an appointment in Paris with the gangland boss he grassed up. Willy appears to be at peace with his fate, but he knows that a lot can change over a 700 mile drive.

Hurt’s hit man, Braddock, is cool and lethal and says little whilst Roth’s, Myron, is more excitable and chatty. He’s been brought along on his first job and Willy starts to sow seeds of dissent that start to fester between the two killers. Various mishaps cause them to alter their plans, including a detour to Madrid that sees them pick up sexy Spaniard, Maggie.

Their adventures across country keep feeding the police enough information to keep them hot on their trail and as the net closes it’s clear that not everyone will survive the journey.

This was an enjoyable film that kept me guessing and entertained throughout. Stamp is great, playing his cheeky Cockney persona to perfection. Despite his chequered past you do root for him throughout and his mind games with the bad guys worked well. Hurt is less believable as the stone killer hit man. I think he’s too slightly built to convey much menace and looks like you could blow him over most of the time. A bleached blonde Roth is OK as the trainee assassin but I wasn't convinced about his character’s arc.

The settings and direction were good and the filmed moved at a faster pace than the lethargic hit men. The ending was somewhat nihilistic but given what had gone before it was certainly earned.

THE Tag Line - Hits the Mark!

72%

No.104 : The Package (2013)

The Package at the IMDb

 When a film stars Steve Austin and Dolph Lundgren you know it isn’t going to be Oscar bait; but is it a credible entry in the wrestler becomes action hero genre? Hmmm, not really!

Stone Cold plays Tommy Wick and I don’t think that was intended as rhyming slang. Wick is an ex-marine reduced to debt collecting for a mob boss due to his indebted brother being in prison. I think you are meant to think he’s a decent guy but he comes across as a sadistic asshole as we join him on a routine collection job at the bowling alley. He sticks one guy’s head through a table and another into the ball return slot before giving him the obligatory 24 hours to pay.

He returns to his boss with the day’s takings and gets another job; to deliver a package to ‘The German’ for a fat bonus that’ll see his brother’s debts written off. We’ve already met The German (Lundgren) who turns a double cross into his favour when he kills a dozen heavily armed guys with a small knife. He’s tasty too you see - I can see a big fight finale in our future!

Tommy goes on his delivery job with his colleague reasonably asking why can’t the Fed-Ex the package, which is a small computer drive. This logic is not required and he gets a shot in the head for his troubles from an unseen sniper. Rather than come to a slow stop their vehicle does a massive flip from which only a wrestler with a two foot neck can escape. Luckily we have one and when the rival gang snatch squad arrive to recover the package Tommy is ready to kill loads of them in slow motion.

Realising this shit got real Tommy calls his boss but is persuaded to carry on as the threatened 50% pay cut would endanger his brother. Meanwhile The German is doing his own handiwork and teaching various henchmen the finer points of music and smoothies before killing them all - what a waste of an education.

Eventually Tommy is captured and after some very mild torture escapes only to get caught again and delivered to The German. Once again Tommy is strapped to a table and the Smoking Man off ‘The X-Files’ is ready to go to work on him. Can Tommy escape and will the secret of ‘the package’ be a surprise to anyone?

This was a dreadful film but it just about qualifies as a guilty pleasure. The acting is uniformly awful as is the action which mainly consisted of slow speed fist fights. People were taking half a dozen haymakers to the jaw with no effect. The gun play was worse with Austin spraying bullets like fly spray. He seemed constantly surprised when he ran out of bullets but we all knew that was just an excuse to punch some more face.

Attempts to soften Austin’s image with some intimate moments with his wife were wasted as you were too worried that she’d get splinters from the big lump of wood in her bed. Swedish Dolph excels at being a bad actor playing a German and his fighting skills have faded badly since he took that beating off Rocky Balboa.

The action takes place over the course of the day and although there are about 50 deaths and a million bullets spent it seems like the longest day you’ll ever endure. It was decent brain-dead action but you have nothing invested in anyone involved and when the credits roll you feel slightly ashamed that you have spent 90 minutes in their charmless company.

THE Tag Line : Package Fails to Deliver  43%

No.102 : The Challenge (1982)

The Challenge at the IMDb

East meets West now in this 1982 action thriller, which was a lot better than I anticipated.

Scott Glenn stars as Rick a down on his luck boxer - but we know he’s still got it when he KO’s the smart mouth champ he’s meant to be sparring with. His skills attract the attention of a wheelchair bound Japanese businessman who for some reason finds his employees in back street gyms. He offers Rick $500 dollars a day for taking an antique sword back to Japan. The sword’s ownership is sorely contested by two brothers and by entrusting it to Rick he hopes it can be delivered without incident - haven’t these people heard of Royal Mail special delivery?

As expected, things don’t go smoothly with Rick being intercepted at the airport - what a rubbish plan! Rick’s captor is a westernised Japanese thug who is tasty with his knife and has a nice line in casual swearing. He soon finds out that Rick is a decoy as the sword in his golf bag is a fake. Careful not to upset his boss the thug grabs the wheelchair man and shoves him out onto a road and off a bridge that wasn’t designed for wheelchair access. With the deception exposed and paymaster lost Rick has to wonder who is going to sign his expenses chitty.

He meets the evil big boss and is offered $15,000 if he can get in with the nice brother and steal the sword back when the opportunity arises. Rick agrees and after some training in the martial arts he gets his chance. His honour gets the better of him however, and after looking at the nice engravings he takes it back only to be greeted by the master - he saw Rick’s good character all along!

The sensei looks after Rick and trains him in the old ways of stick, sword and throwing stars. The other brother is a total dick with a big lair and loads of goons with guns - frankly I think the baddie has the better idea! Rick falls for the master’s foxy daughter and after a few run ins with the bad guys they decide to take the fight to the leader’s lair to reclaim their sword and their honour. Can the sword beat the gun and will the family be healed? Will that order for new hats be a waste and will Rick achieve redemption?

Directed by John Frankenheimer this was a superior ‘fish out of water’ movie that had plenty of action as well as some intelligent commentary on culture clashes and the old meeting the new. It was a lot like ‘The Last Samurai’ with the two brothers at opposite ends of the moral and weaponry spectrums. As with all these kind of films there is a lot of chatter about ‘honour’ and ‘loyalty’ and it’s wasted as they all end up stabbing each other in the back - it’s just like the Klingons!

The action was great however and the assault on the bad guy’s lair was like something out of a James Bond film with endless henchmen being mercilessly dispatched. The main bad guy and his helper got great send offs with the effects equal to the gore.

Scott Glenn isn’t the most enigmatic of actors but he does well here with his rite of passage from loser to hero well documented. He spends five days in a hole eating bugs and comes out of it none the worse and he nails the hot daughter to boot! The settings were all authentic and although the frenetic last 20 minutes was out of kilter with what had gone before it meant the film ended on a high.

The film was a lot like earlier Definite Article subject ‘The Yakuza’ with many of the same scenes present and correct. It was however a more enjoyable and fulfilling movie that had a satisfying mix of sex , violence and a man eating cockroaches and it is certainly this blogger’s ‘Round Eye in Japan’ film of choice.

81% Best Bit - I’ll get my hat - wait, don’t bother

No.76 : The Professionals (1966)

The Professionals at the IMDb

This is gonna be great - a big screen adaptation of the adventures of Bodie, Doyle and that bloke off the Fine Fare ads. What? 1966 western ? Buggeration!

This film had passed me by despite its stellar cast but it is a lot of fun and well worth a look.

The film opens with small vignettes featuring four characters from the early 20th century wild west. Lee Marvin is making a living demonstrating machine guns to the army, another chap works on a horse ranch and shows he’s a good guy by beating up a horse abuser. Elsewhere a chap who looks like Virgil off the wrestling is collecting a bounty while Burt Lancaster is hopping out of a lady’s bed in his long johns as her husband appears.

They appear unconnected but soon we are in a box car with Lee Marvin who is being offered a contract along side the two who aren’t Burt. Ralph Bellman (the rich guy who isn’t Don Amiche’ off ‘Trading Places’) offers a fat reward if they can return his wife from kidnappers. The Mexican revolutionaries who have her want $100,00 and although Ralph has the cash he doesn’t trust the gringos to return his wife when payment is made.

He’s picked Lee as he used to ride with the revolutionaries and knows their leader Raza (a moustache twirling Jack Palance). He agrees $10k a head and asks for an explosives expert to be hired too. Of course the expert is Burt who, when his bail is paid, has once again lost his clothes.

The guys set off into the badlands of Mexico and within an hour they are at the Mexican’s camp with a cunning plan. Things are complicated when the ‘kidnapped’ wife seems quite happy in Raza’s clutches but they grab her all the same and set off on the long journey home. This is fraught with danger and it’s not clear who’ll survive or what will transpire at the showdown when the rewards are due. They are ‘Professionals’ right? Surely they’ll take the cash from the evil rich guy?

This was a fun two hours with wall to wall recognisable faces. The performances vary but Marvin and Lancaster are true stars who shine in every scene. Lancaster especially exudes charm and is happy to take the less glamorous but easily most fun role of the clothes shy Dolworth. Marvin exudes his usual quiet menace and Palance is fine although most of his dialogue is yelled in Spanish.

The film looks great in HD and is as sharp as something shot yesterday. The familiar red rock of Arizona never looked better and the action scenes are well staged with plenty of blood and bullets flying. The plot is a bit straightforward with the big surprise signalled as soon as the rescued  wife offer to tend someone’s wounds - she’s nice, you see. They do try to tack on some stuff about the morality of a hired gun and your debt to brothers in arms, but ultimately what you remember is loads of Mexicans getting shot off their horses.

The film doesn’t take itself too seriously and although you won’t learn much about the revolution you will have a good couple of hours in the company of some great, long lost talent. You couldn’t see Zac Efron doing this!

THE Tag Line - Professional Job All Round  75%

No.73 : The Veteran (2011)

The Veteran at the IMDB

What a rip off ; there was nobody healing animals at all throughout this film!

What we get is a kind of ‘Harry Brown’ meets ‘The Bourne Identity’ as a soldier returns from Afghanistan to his sink estate home to find it under the control of drug lords. Our man isn’t intimidated and smacks a few around. The local kingpin is impressed and offers him work which he refuses, despite the veiled threats of 'choosing sides'.

Meanwhile, a meeting with other ex-soldiers gives him the chance to get back to some kind of work, running black ops for a shady intelligence outfit, as you do. All the while we realise he is on the edge, with subtle clues like him constantly punching walls giving away his inner torment.

His first operation goes well as he uncovers a back street bomb factory but he soon gets in deep as he befriends a possible double agent woman and engages with his always shouting boss, Brian Cox. He slowly realises that his two worlds are not so far apart and that and it’s going to take a lot of shooting to clean up the estate and stop a possible terrorist outrage.

I didn’t really take to this film from the off. The grim sink estate setting and washed out colour palette did nothing to draw me in and the lead lacks any sympathy or charisma whatsoever. The feral yoof were well realised but it never really touched upon why they are being furnished with Uzi 9mms by the shady intel community. They is some blather about ‘GOD’ - Guns, Oil and drugs but why the poweres that be would align themselves with some foul mouthed youth isn’t addressed.

 I think the director was trying to set a sense of disconnectedness with our hero’s action scenes being so random that we weren’t sure if it was real or fantasy. This is maybe burrowing too deep, as at the end of the day it was a mish mash of a plot tail-ended by some crowd pleasing vermin control.

It is hard to be too tough on a film that clearly has a shoe-string budget but if the script had been more rounded and clear there would be a decent film to be had here. Brian Cox looks like he did his couple of scenes in a day, despite his high billing and although you might recognise a couple of faces the names will escape you.

The blood soaked finale was out of step with the rest of the film and you have to wonder if they thought- ‘Sod it let’s have a big shoot out’. The action was well choreographed and the hardware impressive. The finale with its hints towards a damned future was seen a mile off and it’s just a shame things ended with so many plot threads left hanging.

THE Tag Line : Call a Vet - this needs shooting  56%

No.60 - Dredd (3D) (2012)

Dredd at the IMDb

The Definite Article Movie Blog gets dusted off for one last dance, to cast its gaze over ‘Dredd’. OK it doesn’t have a ‘The’ but there’s not much more definite than Dredd, and frankly unlike the great man we feel rules are there to be broken.

Most of the reviews you read of ‘Dredd’ will offer comparisons to the 1995 shambles ‘Judge Dredd’ starring Sylvester Stallone. This took a couple of core ideas from the comic hero and added some flying motorbikes, kissing and, lamentably, Rob Schneider. The new Dredd is so far removed from the first attempt that, apart from the helmet, you wouldn’t recognise it. ‘Dredd’ 2012 is a visceral, hardboiled thriller where the wise cracks are dead pan and the violence bone crunchingly realistic.
The film opens with Judge Dredd on patrol, in pursuit of some drugged up perps who are creating carnage on the roads. Any idea of comic book violence is quickly dispensed as a pedestrian and then the perps are dispatched in eye watering fashion. Make no mistake, the ‘18’ certificate is justified and the splatter is all the worse for being in eye-popping 3D.

The film proper opens as Dredd is summoned to a meeting with the Chief Judge and assigned a rookie to assess. The rookie, Anderson, has mutant psychic abilities and is viewed as a potential asset to the struggling department, but has fallen short of the Academy of Law’s pass standard. Dredd is charged with assessing the rookie’s capabilities and is immediately unimpressed with his charge’s potential. He rhymes off the problems the city faces with the depleted Judge force only capable of handling 6% of reported crimes.

Given a free hand to chose their first call Anderson picks a triple homicide at the Peach Trees Block - Huge mistake! This block is the domain of Ma-Ma, the crime boss in charge of ‘Slo-Mo’, a new drug sweeping the city that lets the user experience reality at 1% of real time. The Judges arrive to assess the crime scene but Ma-Ma is ahead of the game and with the help of a cyber-eyed hacker locks down the building and tasks her addicted inhabitants with the job of dispatching the law enforcers.
With no back up available Dredd and Anderson have to stay alive and try to knock the evil drug lord from her perch at the top of the block - 200 floors away. Can they survive the battle against the criminals and other forces sent against them? Will the rookie save the day and will Dredd’s helmet stay untouched for the duration?

As a near life long fan of 2000ad and Judge Dredd the development of this film has been high on my anticipation last for nigh on two years, and I’m amazed to say that it managed to live up to my expectations.

Firstly, Karl Urban is excellent as Dredd. His voice is pretty much how I’ve imagined Dredd to sound for 25 years and his lip curls and jaw acting are fantastic. His delivery is on the right side of caricature and although he doesn’t engage us with much empathy we’re never in doubt that he is a devoted and single minded servant of the law. His character arc isn’t great but frankly I wouldn’t want him to learn about himself in the course of the film - his resolve is unbreakable, just how it should be.

The rookie Anderson was played by Olivia Thirlby and again, she was excellent. Many fans, myself included, feel Anderson is a bit touchy feely but here her vulnerabilities added to the character and in truth it’s really her film by way of character development. Her building of confidence as the film progresses is expertly judged and believable.

Of the three main characters, the villain, Ma-Ma is the weakest. I wasn’t convinced that she had the drive or charisma to lead legions of cannon fodder gangsters and her powers were limited to looking a bit thoughtful. Given the down to earth reality of the film this wasn’t a major problem, but a memorable and frightening bad guy would have made for a better spectacle overall.

Much as been said of the contemporary look of this sci-fi thriller and it’s true that some of the vehicles look more 1990 than 2090. There is however plenty of good tech such as Dredd’s wrist com and weaponry, and the new, set against the old, does highlight the divisions in the future society.
The film runs a lean 96 minutes and although I spent too long looking for the in-jokes and references I didn’t feel it flagged at all. I did have some minor quibbles with the appearance of bent Judges which harked back to the Stallone film and undermined the Justice Department as an elite force, but these were negligible.

On balance though, the film is a triumph with amazing 3D effects and a body count to well justify the ‘18’ certificate. Not for the squeamish or art house lovers but ‘Dredd’ is pure escapist enjoyment that will see repeat viewings from me and hopefully many others.

THE Tag Line : Dreddfully Good 89%

No.59 : The Transporter (2002)

The Transporter at the IMDb

Here’s a bit of brainless pap to augment all the other brainless pap that we’ve been watching lately. Jason ‘I’m not bald’ Statham stars as Frank, the titular action hero whose efforts spawned a surprising two sequels - five if you count the ‘Crank’ franchise where he changes his name to Chav, and that’s it.

The film opens with a decent action scene as our hero plays wheel man for a hapless bunch of bank robbers. He has a nice use for a real transporter and leaves his employers somewhat happy with their escape. He refuses to drop them off however as it would violate one of his three rules - a topic he never tires of banging on about. Later, at home, he hears on the news the first time in history that a gang of criminals has been caught due to “bad driving”. Frank cares not - his strict adherence to his rules has saved his bacon once again. Remember that - might be important later.

As he relaxes at his palatial, and let’s not forget ill gotten, home Frank is visited by the local fuzz; the most laid back and non-threatening French copper this side of Clouseau. Due to poor acting we’re not too sure if he likes Frank or is totally incompetent but he’s soon on his way appeased by Jason’s charmless grin.

Soon Jason has another lucrative job - this time a package delivery. He doesn’t ask any questions but when a flat tyre causes him to open his boot he finds the package wiggling about and decides to buy it a drink. As you’d expect the package is a beautiful Chinese lady. Jason goes through with the delivery but when the baddies blow up his prized car he soon heads back to get his no claims discount reinstated.

The bad guys are involved in people smuggling and soon Jason and the Chinese lady team up for some sex and then to take down the bad guys. We move from stunt to stunt before the inevitable showdown with the sinister Oriental head honcho who happens to be the lovely’s Dad. Can Jason survive in time to make all the sequels?

Seeing as this is filed under ‘nonsense’ it’d hardly be fair to critisise it for being far fetched or ridiculous. Of course it is and that’s what keeps the pot smoking action junkies demanding more and more of this tosh. I liked it too.

The film has quite a European look and feel which is no surprise seeing as Luc Besson takes the writing credits, as they are. There is a lot of low to the ground action stuff and in your face fights and although stuff gets blown up you’ll never make the mistake of thinking you’ve wandered into some big budget Hollywood thriller. Which is a good thing.

The cast apart from Statham don’t speak English as their first language and I’m not even sure about him. The lead baddie is a terrible menace and exudes all the threat of last night’s Egg Fu Yung. The girl is a bit better but she doesn’t have the sexiness of say Michelle Yeoh and certainly doesn’t convince in the high kicking stakes.

The stunts are better with a few funny fist fights thrown in for good measure - the garage one in the oil is so homo erotic you almost expect Alan Carr to run in. There is enough going on to keep you interested although to call the plot wafer thin would be enough to give a wafer an eating disorder. Pretty much what you’d expect really.

THE Tag Line : Transporter Takes You Away from Reality 68%

No.58 : The Rock (1996)

The Rock at the IMDb

Fortunately Arts Council funding arrived just in time so that my retrospective on ‘The Rock’ could be thoroughly researched by way of a trip to Alcatraz and San Francisco. Well in truth I have just returned from such a trip and thought I’d look up this old friend to see if the added on bull shit was as generous as I’d first thought. And do you know what? We were super sized!

We open in the rain with a fully dress uniformed Ed Harris telling his wife’s tomb stone that he’s off to do something and he hopes she won’t think bad of him. It’s my guess that she won’t on account of being deid.

Meanwhile dependable but slightly unhinged FBI chemical weapons expert Stanley Goodspeed is defusing a large toxic bomb that gives us a few notes for later in the film. He may be dull but he buys $600 Beatles albums so we know he’s a bit of a loose cannon, on eBay at least.

Ed’s plan soon takes shape when he and a bunch of pissed off soldiers rob an army base of its supply of poison gas which looks a lot like Fairy Liquid in ball shape. One of his men gets eaten by the poison so we know from the off what we can expect if it all goes tits up - brave sacrifice soldier. His rabble then take over Alcatraz and demand $200 million for some dead black ops guys or they’ll gas San Francisco. From the start you wonder why the Government don’t just cough up - the Mayor in ‘Dirty Harry’ is keen to pay a ransom in 5 minutes but that was only $100k. The other concern is why they give a 40 hour deadline and why they don’t evacuate the city given the generous preparation time?

The answer is of course that this is a loud and stupid Michael Bay film and pulling plot holes is like trying to empty the Pacific with a colander . With Alcatraz now loaded with missiles and hostages it’s up to Stanley and ex-inmate Sean Connery to save the day. Sean plays an ex-SAS man who’s been banged up for 30 years and is the only man to have escaped ‘The Rock’. The incursion goes well for about two minutes when the hapless marine squad lead by Michael Biehn gets cut down leaving our two star names to save the day, as you’d expect.

What follows is a trip through the theme park version of Alcatraz where our heroes disarm the 15 missiles while dispatching the bad guys in some elaborate ways. Soon we are down to a few missiles and the bad guys are arguing over honour and stuff. Will the city be saved? Well it was there on Monday when I looked…

I like ‘The Rock’ despite its many deficiencies. Yeah it’s loud and unnecessary but it keeps up a good pace with plenty of stunts, explosions and grisly kills to keep you entertained. The prison itself looks great and you can take my word that the real thing does appear, albeit fleetingly. The tour I took did however miss out the flaming discs of death that looked liked they had been nicked from ’Galaxy Quest’ as well as the mine cars off ’Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'. The clue is in the name - the thing is a big rock so where did all these tunnels come from? And what were they mining? Shivs?

The plot is pretty thin and although they attempt to employ a blurring of the lines regarding the bad guys’ motivations it’s not convincing in the least. Speaking of unconvincing, Cage doesn’t convince as a scientist or indeed as an actor as he chooses to keep yelling to try and keep up with Sean’s effortless style and charm.

The film is well padded with well known faces with Candyman and an under used John C. McGinley popping up as well as the lovely Claire Forlani who sadly only gets one scene.

The outcome is never in any doubt and the characters are as thin as cage’s LP but if you go into this expecting some mindless fun and a fantasy version of Alcatraz you won’t be disappointed.

THE Tag Line - ‘The Rock Rocks’ 73%

No.51 : The Core (2003)

The Core at the IMDb

Some people will tell you the ‘The Core’ is a lot of far fetched hokum, but I checked it out and it never actually claimed to be a documentary. It’s one of those films that always seem to be on and no matter were you stumble in to it you always hang about to the end. At least until the black guy does his noble sacrifice at any rate.

Anyway the world is in danger. People with pacemakers are falling over and pigeons are going mental in Trafalgar Square. The cause is unknown but dashing boffin Aaron Eckhart has an idea about the electro magnetic field breaking down. He consults with celebrity big head scientist Stanley Tucci who agrees that things look grim. They talk to the dad out of ‘Six Feet Under’ who has been promoted to head of the army and they set about saving the day.

They meet up with a black guy in the desert and effectively steal all his stuff. The plan is to journey to the planet’s core, to kick start the lava and save the day. They enlist Hilary Swank’s unfeasibly young and beautiful NASA pilot and a couple of other guys who are so destined to be cannon fodder that they may as well have been wearing red shirts.

After a couple of big surface disasters, the kind that dominate the trailer, the mission is on. They dive into the sea in their tunnelling machine and are soon travelling through special effects that are markedly poorer than those of ‘Inner Space', which is at least a decade older. As you’d expect there are bumps along the way, the kind that demand the crew get out and stretch their legs and allow for a noble sacrifice or two, no three - four!

I’ve seen ‘The Core’ five times easy and I’m always seduced by its cheesy charms. It’s light weight fun and despite more techno babble than a year of ‘Star Trek’ they still manage to make the implausible totally unbelievable. In the scene where they exit the craft, despite thousands of pounds of pressure, throwaway lines like “at least our suits are holding” without any reason why take you so far away from the premise that you may as well be watching an old man feeding his dog if you wanted scientific exposition. But we never came to learn - we came to see noble speeches and shit getting blown up.

I know landmark destruction is the ‘money shot’ in this kind of film but it beggars belief that the three points of the planet, that’s 70% water by the way, that the phenomena chooses to strike are Trafalgar Square, Rome are the Golden Gate Bridge. What’s the chances of that happening then? In fact if I was living near a landmark and saw a Hollywood film crew I’d be heading for the hills.

The characters are all likable and it’s rare to see Swank or Eckhart is a less than enjoyable film. Tucci delivers well as the up his arse scientist who may turn out nice in the end. His black polo neck and smoking habit were a bit much - they should just have given him a moustache to twirl and be done with it.

The destruction and technology effects were all well done with the microwaving of San Francisco and the frying of Rome both well executed. Less good was the travel though the Earth which looked like a lot of bubbles.

The plot was patently ridiculous with so many holes that you could turn a double decker bus over in them. It is of course moot to moan about the lack of decompression illness when you are talking about a metal tube fixing the planet but that’s half the fun of high concept nonsense like this.

If you’ve managed to miss ‘The Core’ on its endless repeat Film 4 showings you should have a look - the most fun scoffing you’ll have watching a disaster movie. Apart from ‘2012’.

THE Tag Line - No Bore Core Gets Decent Score - 70%

No.43 : The Losers (2010)

The Losers at the IMDb

This ‘men on a mission’ thriller isn’t anything ground breaking or original but it has a lot of laughs and action which I imagine is pretty much what it sets out to do.

The plot is the familiar ‘fish out of water’ scenario which sees our five man CIA black ops unit go on the run when a mission goes awry. Their mission, to take out a drug lord, goes ahead despite the baddy’s compound being full of kids - just like in ‘Clear and Present Danger’. Our men can’t let a big missile blow up the kids (and the bad guys) so they decide to steam in and save the brats in what seemed a bit of an unlikely decision for a bunch of hard assed mercenaries. Still we need to know they are the good guys early on, so fair enough.

They manage to get the kids out but are targets for death themselves and only survive due to them giving up their ride for the soon to be angelic infants. Now off the radar our guys set out and a revenge mission of their own against the mysterious Max who is keen for a big war to start so he can deal weapons and seize power. With our men without money and arms they are stuck in Bolivia until a sexy babe offers them a deal to get back to the USA, in return for offing Max Headcase.

Our team are soon back in the arms of Uncle Sam and set up some elaborate plans to track down and take out the bad guys. Of course there are bumps in the road in the shape of a traitor in the gang and some hidden agendas but essentially it’s just a big man hunt with a sequel looming large at the end.

The plot summary there may make this sound a pretty simplistic film and that’s because it is. The plot goes from A to B to C with no real deviations. It’s kind of like an A*Team set up with our guys on the run and trying to clear their names while righting some wrongs.

I enjoyed the film throughout and I was glad to see it’s comic book origins weren’t hidden like a dirty secret. A few times the characters dissolve into their cartoon equivalents and the cracking opening credits had Jock infused panels all over the place.

The characters were all spot on and it was good to see a few familiar faces bring the strip to life. Of the main five you have Stringer Bell, Johnny Storm and The Comedian with a couple of decent turns making up the numbers. I particularly liked the hat fetishised sniper who, like every movie sniper in history, never misses a shot. Also good was Zoe Saldana who spent most of the film in her bra and acting mysterious and the always reliable (apart from all the time) Jason Patric as Max, whom I bet was written as enigmatic but just came across as a tit.

The action scenes were all well done with the armoured car hijack and money plane show down both great sequences. I also liked Johnny Storm picking off the guards with his lethal fingers in one of several funny set pieces that set the film above many of its contemporaries.

Over all the film is largely mindless and forgettable, but for the 90 minutes you are watching it you’ll have a few laughs, some sexy action and plenty of explosions - sound like a good deal to me.

THE Tag Line : Losers : A Winner! 69%