No.113 : The Hill (1965)

The Hill at the IMDb

Sean Connery made this 1965, black and white drama immediately after he finished ‘Goldfinger’ presumably to show that there was more to him than Martinis and one liners. Well it worked - he can do shouting too!

Connery is one of five men who arrive in a British  North African army penal camp during World War 2. The four others are privates convicted for petty crimes whereas Connery is an officer charged with disobeying orders.

The camp is run by a team of sadistic guards who glory in running their charges into the ground. Their favourite torture device is the titular hill which, although quite small, breaks all who are set up and down it. Connery as a seemingly cowardly officer gets singled out for special treatment and this doesn’t sit well with his cellmates who are roped in too. These include Sandy out of ‘The Wild Geese’ Roy Kinnear and a spirited black chap who gets all kinds of racial abuse that seems outrageous by today’s standards.

The men are passed fit by an ineffectual medical officer and put in the grim hands of the evil Sgt Stevens. He reports to the blinkered RSM Wilson who in turn reports to the oblivious commandant. The brutal drills soon cause the men to faint and despite Connery’s knowledge of the regulations they get no respite. Only slightly fey officer Ian Bannen offers some support but the bullying climate keeps him in check.

After one brutal drill on the hill one of the cellmates collapse and dies. Can the men find justice or will the metaphorical hill of threats and lies be too much for them to surmount?

Two hours of sweaty men shouting at each other may not be everyone’s cup of tea but this is an excellent film with a lot to say about discipline, the law and class. The injustices are plain to see but these are guilty men and there’s a war on. Where should our sympathies lie? Director Sidney Lumet answers this from the off with the guards onto a hiding as soon as Sean shows up with his book of rules. His character was well drawn with the truth of his imprisonment slowly drawn out of him.

When the man dies a near mutiny ensues but this is swiftly quelled with some selective punishment and the lure of some cheese. Sean isn’t so easily bought and gets a strong kicking for his troubles. Can he convince the weak medical officer and the simpering Bannen to stand up for what is just? To convince them we get a near half hour scene of the men yelling at each other as battle lines are drawn and alliances are forged and quickly recanted when the tide turns.

The cast is uniformly (!) excellent and the drama is well realised against a massive set with dozens of extras. It would work well as a theatre production and the director wisely chooses to use a lot of close ups and jerky camera movements to give an unsettling sense of isolation and disconnection.

There are some uncomfortable scenes especially when the black actor, Ossie Davis, has to endure abuse and spend much of the film in his oversized pants, but I’m sure what was portrayed was mild compared to the real life environment.

Overall this was a fast paced two hours with the focus on character and dialogue. Top notch acting and directing saved it from being a cheap melodrama and it’s certainly one that’ll live long in the memory.

THE Tag Line : Climb this Hill!   76%

No.58 : The Rock (1996)

The Rock at the IMDb

Fortunately Arts Council funding arrived just in time so that my retrospective on ‘The Rock’ could be thoroughly researched by way of a trip to Alcatraz and San Francisco. Well in truth I have just returned from such a trip and thought I’d look up this old friend to see if the added on bull shit was as generous as I’d first thought. And do you know what? We were super sized!

We open in the rain with a fully dress uniformed Ed Harris telling his wife’s tomb stone that he’s off to do something and he hopes she won’t think bad of him. It’s my guess that she won’t on account of being deid.

Meanwhile dependable but slightly unhinged FBI chemical weapons expert Stanley Goodspeed is defusing a large toxic bomb that gives us a few notes for later in the film. He may be dull but he buys $600 Beatles albums so we know he’s a bit of a loose cannon, on eBay at least.

Ed’s plan soon takes shape when he and a bunch of pissed off soldiers rob an army base of its supply of poison gas which looks a lot like Fairy Liquid in ball shape. One of his men gets eaten by the poison so we know from the off what we can expect if it all goes tits up - brave sacrifice soldier. His rabble then take over Alcatraz and demand $200 million for some dead black ops guys or they’ll gas San Francisco. From the start you wonder why the Government don’t just cough up - the Mayor in ‘Dirty Harry’ is keen to pay a ransom in 5 minutes but that was only $100k. The other concern is why they give a 40 hour deadline and why they don’t evacuate the city given the generous preparation time?

The answer is of course that this is a loud and stupid Michael Bay film and pulling plot holes is like trying to empty the Pacific with a colander . With Alcatraz now loaded with missiles and hostages it’s up to Stanley and ex-inmate Sean Connery to save the day. Sean plays an ex-SAS man who’s been banged up for 30 years and is the only man to have escaped ‘The Rock’. The incursion goes well for about two minutes when the hapless marine squad lead by Michael Biehn gets cut down leaving our two star names to save the day, as you’d expect.

What follows is a trip through the theme park version of Alcatraz where our heroes disarm the 15 missiles while dispatching the bad guys in some elaborate ways. Soon we are down to a few missiles and the bad guys are arguing over honour and stuff. Will the city be saved? Well it was there on Monday when I looked…

I like ‘The Rock’ despite its many deficiencies. Yeah it’s loud and unnecessary but it keeps up a good pace with plenty of stunts, explosions and grisly kills to keep you entertained. The prison itself looks great and you can take my word that the real thing does appear, albeit fleetingly. The tour I took did however miss out the flaming discs of death that looked liked they had been nicked from ’Galaxy Quest’ as well as the mine cars off ’Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'. The clue is in the name - the thing is a big rock so where did all these tunnels come from? And what were they mining? Shivs?

The plot is pretty thin and although they attempt to employ a blurring of the lines regarding the bad guys’ motivations it’s not convincing in the least. Speaking of unconvincing, Cage doesn’t convince as a scientist or indeed as an actor as he chooses to keep yelling to try and keep up with Sean’s effortless style and charm.

The film is well padded with well known faces with Candyman and an under used John C. McGinley popping up as well as the lovely Claire Forlani who sadly only gets one scene.

The outcome is never in any doubt and the characters are as thin as cage’s LP but if you go into this expecting some mindless fun and a fantasy version of Alcatraz you won’t be disappointed.

THE Tag Line - ‘The Rock Rocks’ 73%

No.24 : The Offence (1973)

The Offence at the IMDb

What’s that? You want a grim 1973 talk fest with beatings and shouting aplenty? Well I think we can accommodate you there…

‘The Offence’ stars Sean Connery in a role that screams ’I’m not James Bond’. He plays Johnston a jaded British detective who has seen one nonce too many. The film opens with a blurry shot of the moustachioed Sean standing over a room full of decked coppers. What follows is a series of scenes that explain how we got there. The narrative isn’t always linear and we get lots of jumps throughout the time line and into Johnston’s past.

The police are on the trail of a kiddie fiddler who has struck twice already. After a failed stake out they are angry to learn that he’s struck a third time but at least now they have a witness. They get their man in the shape of Ian Bannen but although he was in the area and is covered in mud they still need a confession - no DNA profiling or CCTV to nail the case here, CSI followers.

After a few abortive interviews Johnston is left alone with the suspect and things predictably kick off. We don’t immediately learn what went down but we know Johnston has given the nonce a kicking and he’s sent home by his bosses. We follow Johnston home and witness an interminable half hour argument with his wife before he’s mercifully hauled back to the station after learning that the suspect has died following the ‘interrogation’.

Johnston gets a grilling from a Chief Inspector and we slowly learn that he’s snapped after attending one too many gruesome crime scenes. As he breaks down we get to see his confrontation with the suspect and things eventually swing back to the opening scene where we understand how Johnston got to be in this position.

This is another film where it’s origins on the stage are painfully obvious. Basically for your money you get Sean shouting and overacting to his wife, the Chief and the nonce. These all last for about 30 minutes and although some may see it as a powerful acting performance and a man’s soul being laid bare I saw it as all a bit dull.

Connery is always good value but his dialogue didn’t ring true and the verbal sparring often came across as clever writing rather than believable exchanges. His attempts to distance himself from Bond amounted to growing a moustache and wearing a sheepskin coat and frankly he shouldn’t have bothered - what you’d give for a witty one liner or fancy gadget in the midst of this depressing onslaught.

It was a good idea to move the narrative about and it did serve to keep your interest but I wasn’t convinced about the disintegration of Connery’s character and he seemed to go from hard nut to simpering baby in nothing flat.

I did like Ian Bannen as the smug suspect, and he’s obviously the main acting talent on show, but he didn’t quite have the menace and antagonizing qualities needed to render Connery’s character shift believable. The wife scene occupies the middle third of the film and it was hard to avoid the FF button when the moany mare went over Sean’s shortcoming from the comfort of her dressing gown once gain. She certainly didn’t have the look of a woman who could catch James Bond and looked more like a rejected Mrs Overall.

The film seems to have garnered some critical praise but some people butter up anything with edgy subject matter and a lot of shouting. For me it was a depressing experience and one I’d avoid like Ian Bannen in a playground.

THE Tag Line : No Defence For The Offence 54%

No.10 : The Avengers (1998)

The Avengers at the IMDb

If The Avengers was any good, and given that it’s about the weather, it’s tag line could have been ‘Brolly Good Fun’. Sadly it’s not, so it isn’t and it has to make do with ‘Pure Pish’ instead.

As you probably know the film is based on the 1960’s TV show of the same name and the slightly less good re-hash ‘The New Avengers staring Gareth ‘rhyming slang’ Hunt. The film opens with Ralph Fiennes in a slightly too large bowler hat walking down a street and doing battle with a copper, the milkman etc. Don’t worry his John Steed isn’t on an ASBO he’s doing a test for ‘The Ministry’ and of course passes with flying colours.

He is soon briefed by ‘Mother’ his handler who explains that the Prospero project has been blown up. This is a net that covers the country and protects it from unspecified attacks. We also meet Mrs Peel (Uma Thurman) who has knowledge of the project and is also the prime suspect for the attack given that she’s shown doing it on CCTV. Showing some unbelievable good faith Mother sends them out into the field to crack the case.

Their first, and to be honest only, port of call is the palatial home of Sir August De Wynter a weather expert who is a bit nutty and who has a grudge against the government. Not much detecting needed here! De Wynter is played with OTT enthusiasm by Sean Connery and his hair weave and he offers little in the way of menace as do his henchmen Eddie Izzard and Shaun Ryder out of ‘The Happy Mondays’ - honestly I’m not making this up!

De Wynter wastes no time in black mailing the country with his crappy weather - looks like he won the war in Scotland years ago! Our two heroes have to take on the ageing meteorologist and diffuse his big bomb or it’ll rain for ages. It really is that serious.

This was a real box office bomb when it came out and it’s not hard to see why. For a start loads of it makes no sense and the continuity is all over the place. I’ve read that it was practically cut in half after stinky test screenings and it shows, especially when characters changes clothes mid scene and refer to events that never happened.

The two leads struggle badly with their terrible parts and it’s hard to see how we were ever expected to like or empathise with Fiennes’ John Steed who comes across as a tit constantly on the look out for a cup of tea. Thurman is slightly better with her twin roles as Mrs Peel and her clone but her constant verbal sparring with Steed is really tiresome especially as they’re duelling with wit as blunt as a herring.

Connery must have cried into his pay cheque when he saw the results of his efforts that include him running a meeting of bad guys whilst wearing a teddy bear suit. The scene from ‘Goldfinger’ is played out with the dissenting collaborators quickly executed - it did lose some of it’s resonance when it was two big brightly coloured bears that slumped forward. Elsewhere Eddie Izzard got away with only one line in the whole mess “Ok fuck” - one I’m sure he repeats every time someone reminds him of this project.

You do get the sense that the film’s slinkiness was spotted early on as the special effects are clearly scaled back as the movie progresses, with the Ministry’s secret HQ becoming a bus and London being reduced to some cardboard boxes as the storm of the century puffs in.

It does have some slight moments of enjoyment such as the original theme flirting in and out and Patrick Macnee showing up in voice only in an invisible man cameo but these serve only to highlight what a waste of the material this mess was.

THE Tag Line : The Avengers Tragedy 34%

No.4 : The Untouchables (1987)

The Untouchables at the IMDb

Loosely based on that episode of ‘The Simpsons’ where Homer becomes The Beer Baron ‘The Untouchables’ tells the tale of the battle for the streets of Chicago in the 1930’s.

It’s the era of prohibition and Robert De Niro’s Al Capone runs all the rackets with an iron baseball bat, free from prosecution given that he has all the cops on his payroll. Things start to change however when treasury agent Elliott Ness (Kevin Costner) is appointed to take on the Mob.

It starts a bit slowly for the good guys, and after a failed bust that leaves Ness looking like a total parasol he decides to rethink his strategy. He firstly recruits an old Irish beat cop in the shape of Sean Connery and then Andy Garcia straight from the Police Academy - possibly because he can do funny computer noises - it isn’t really explained. To fill out the foursome they also get an accountant who should really stop going on about the tax situation - that’ll never solve anything!

Things quickly improve with a few successful raids that soom get Al on the ropes. He fights back with a few hits of his own and soon it’s down to who can survive the overlong slo-mo shootout and indeed the court room that will win the day.

I’m not a great fan of the director Brian DePalma who, apart from the opening scene in ‘Carrie’, has done little that I’ve enjoyed - his remake of ‘Scarface’ for example is practically unwatchable. This however is his best work, no doubt due to the scriptwriting of David Mamet whose work for Definitive TV show ‘The Unit’ is exceptional.

The cast all do good work too, apart from the miscast De Niro who never convinces as the psycho kingpin of crime. Sean Connery is great as Oirish copper Malone and got an Oscar for his efforts; maybe more for time served than this alone but he is undeniably watchable. His accent deviates from ‘Danny Boy’ to ‘Rob Roy’ but what the hell, he’s good value and tough as nails.

Costner does solid work in most of the films where he isn’t directing and apart from ‘Field of Dreams’ this is his best picture too. Andy Garcia makes an early appearance and despite being somewhat underused he still shows a bit of star quality.

Overall the film is a goodies vs. baddies affair and although plainly drawn they all offer a lot by way of character and excitement. I liked the white suited hit man, Frank Nitti ,who was marvellously evil and his polar opposite in the weedy accountant who was pretty tasty with the shot gun. The rights and wrongs of prohibition are never really challenged with Ness’ straight ‘the law is the law’ arrow tested when his by the book views are stretched by the scofflaw bad guys.

The violence is brutal throughout and I liked that no one was safe from a grisly death. Of course history is played with fast and loose but if you are looking for a documentary a big Hollywood production shouldn’t really be your first port of call.

It’s not all plain sailing with a few too many arty directorial touches thrown in for no good measure and the final courtroom show down between Ness and Capone, which never happened, is a bit OTT.

Overall however you get a cracking fast paced crime movie set in the always cinematic Chicago with plenty of grisly action and a few wrong foots. The sets and the Armani costumes are great as is the score by Ennio Morricone - apart from a couple of misplaced 80's synthesisers. A Definitive hit!

The Definitive Tag Line : Fought Ness Monster! 77%