No.184 : The Decline (2020)

The Decline at the IMDb

Like our previous film ‘The Objective’ this film also has a group of people who are gradually whittled down by a relentless killer, but that’s where the similarities end, as this one was quite good.

Made by Netflix, the film is French/Canadian and the version I watched had dubbing that would make a porno blush. I think you can watch it in the original French and view the subtitles if your O'level language skills are lacking, and that would present the film at its best. I watched it dubbed with sub-titles and it was strange that barely a line of dialogue matched the words spelled out below.

Anyway, we open with people looking over a dead body wrapped in a bloody sheet and we wonder how we got here - well you’ll need to wait 34 minutes before you catch up. We meet Antoine who, in Chas Tenenbaum style, rouses his family in the night and evacuates them from the city. We learn that it was just a drill and that the next time his daughter’s turtle is getting left behind. Antoine worries about social decay and feels that things will kick off soon. He preps his family by watching Youtube videos of a Ray Mears style outdoorsman who gives handy tips on preserving rice and bush craft.

Things get moving when Antoine is invited to a survival camp hosted in the wilderness, by his hero. Things start off OK, with some rabbit skinning and dish washing, but we start to wonder the agenda when the arts and crafts lesson turns to pipe bomb manufacturing and the conversation to immigrants with machetes. Clearly our man is a nutter, but before the visitors can make their excuses and leave, one of them is blown up and killed by a home made bomb.

Our previously counter culture visitors agree that they should really be calling the cops, but the survival nut host, Alain, says no and  starts to burn the body. Protests from the group see one shot in the leg and another three, flee into the woods where we know plenty of traps lie in wait. Alain teams up with return guest and fellow mentalist David, and the hunt is on.

Who will survive? Will it be family man Antoine whom we have invested in or maybe the military woman whom we know is good at wrestling moves? Surely not the shot woman tied to the table?

Despite the poor dubbing I really liked this film and it kept a heady pace throughout. It’s hard to comment on the acting, as the dubbing took so much away from the performances, but it was likeable and believable group of characters. I liked how they all started out as survivalists fearing ‘the man’ only to have to re-examine their positions once things went out of their comfort zone.

It was good that it was quickly whittled down to a two versus two scenario and there were a few surprises to keep you guessing. The deaths were all visceral with plenty of blood being splattered across the fresh snow. Of course, you will have seen a survival horror along these lines before, but there were enough fresh elements and twists here to keep me engaged.

I’m not sure why it was called ‘The Decline’ - a decline in society? Declining numbers of survivors? Probably lost in translation. At only 85 minutes this is a quick thrill and definitely one to spend some of your Nexflix time on.

THE Tag Line : Survive This!  75%

No.104 : The Package (2013)

The Package at the IMDb

 When a film stars Steve Austin and Dolph Lundgren you know it isn’t going to be Oscar bait; but is it a credible entry in the wrestler becomes action hero genre? Hmmm, not really!

Stone Cold plays Tommy Wick and I don’t think that was intended as rhyming slang. Wick is an ex-marine reduced to debt collecting for a mob boss due to his indebted brother being in prison. I think you are meant to think he’s a decent guy but he comes across as a sadistic asshole as we join him on a routine collection job at the bowling alley. He sticks one guy’s head through a table and another into the ball return slot before giving him the obligatory 24 hours to pay.

He returns to his boss with the day’s takings and gets another job; to deliver a package to ‘The German’ for a fat bonus that’ll see his brother’s debts written off. We’ve already met The German (Lundgren) who turns a double cross into his favour when he kills a dozen heavily armed guys with a small knife. He’s tasty too you see - I can see a big fight finale in our future!

Tommy goes on his delivery job with his colleague reasonably asking why can’t the Fed-Ex the package, which is a small computer drive. This logic is not required and he gets a shot in the head for his troubles from an unseen sniper. Rather than come to a slow stop their vehicle does a massive flip from which only a wrestler with a two foot neck can escape. Luckily we have one and when the rival gang snatch squad arrive to recover the package Tommy is ready to kill loads of them in slow motion.

Realising this shit got real Tommy calls his boss but is persuaded to carry on as the threatened 50% pay cut would endanger his brother. Meanwhile The German is doing his own handiwork and teaching various henchmen the finer points of music and smoothies before killing them all - what a waste of an education.

Eventually Tommy is captured and after some very mild torture escapes only to get caught again and delivered to The German. Once again Tommy is strapped to a table and the Smoking Man off ‘The X-Files’ is ready to go to work on him. Can Tommy escape and will the secret of ‘the package’ be a surprise to anyone?

This was a dreadful film but it just about qualifies as a guilty pleasure. The acting is uniformly awful as is the action which mainly consisted of slow speed fist fights. People were taking half a dozen haymakers to the jaw with no effect. The gun play was worse with Austin spraying bullets like fly spray. He seemed constantly surprised when he ran out of bullets but we all knew that was just an excuse to punch some more face.

Attempts to soften Austin’s image with some intimate moments with his wife were wasted as you were too worried that she’d get splinters from the big lump of wood in her bed. Swedish Dolph excels at being a bad actor playing a German and his fighting skills have faded badly since he took that beating off Rocky Balboa.

The action takes place over the course of the day and although there are about 50 deaths and a million bullets spent it seems like the longest day you’ll ever endure. It was decent brain-dead action but you have nothing invested in anyone involved and when the credits roll you feel slightly ashamed that you have spent 90 minutes in their charmless company.

THE Tag Line : Package Fails to Deliver  43%

No.103 : The Man (2005)

The Man at the IMDb

Samuel L Jackson and Eugene Levy star in this alleged comedy that marries the familiar plots of ‘fish out of water’ and ‘mismatched partners’.

Levy play Andy, a nervous Wisconsin dental supplies salesman who is travelling to Detroit for a convention. His supportive family wish him well as he practices his speech and warn him of the dangers of the mean streets of Michigan. Meanwhile Jackson’s detective partner has been murdered and he’s out for revenge.

Jackson bullies $20k from a fat evidence clerk and arranges a meeting with a dodgy gun dealer. Jackson fails to find the USA Today he needs to signal his contact and wouldn’t you know it? Levy is already at the meeting place diner reading the self same newspaper. Strangely the paper alone is enough to convince the gun runner that Levy is his buy and he hands him a phone and gun as a taster. This unlikely scenario means that Levy is embroiled in the sting and he has to team up with Jackson to solve the case.

Initially Levy is shy and nervous and Jackson rough and tough but soon the two start to learn from each other and gain confidence and humility as a result. Yes, it is that crappy. The gunrunner and ruthless killer is laughably Luke Goss out of ‘Bros’ and as you’d guess he exudes all the menace of Elmer Fudd. Like no gunner runner you could imagine Goss sends the unlikely duo across town as he tries to work out if they are cops while Jackson tries to keep the unpredictable Levy onside.

Back at the station the familiar face of  Miguel Ferrer is heading up an investigation of Jackson whom he thinks may be bent. Jackson also has Susie off ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ as his unconvincing boss who tells him to hand in his badge and gun - yeah that’ll work. As we enter the last third seeds are sown that make us wonder if Jackson really is corrupt (he isn’t) and whether Levy will manage to pull of his big speech following his experiences (he does).

Jesus wept,  this is a terrible film. It suffers from virtually every problem a film like this can have from poor script, terrible acting, a famine of laughs and an unbelievable and deeply padded plot. The majority of the film (read : all of it) is totally pointless as it was always ending up with a showdown at the warehouse for the big gun buy. To get us there we have to suffer some execrable scenes where Levy farts a lot and another where he gets shot in the ass and chooses to treat it with taco sauce.

There is no danger whatsoever with cool killer Luke completely out of his depth as the thinly sketched bad guy. The subplot of the internal affairs investigation is also a waste as we know Jackson is innocent mainly because he’s the star but also because we witness Luke carrying out one of the killings pinned on Jackson.

I’m probably looking a bit too deeply into this film which is not something the script writers can be accused of. If they played it straight up comedy you could excuse some of the shortfalls but when they include murders and a mystery element along side and extended farting scene you can tell it’s all over the place.

Levy probably garners half marks as he’s just doing his usual nervous dad shtick but he doesn’t cover himself in glory, not least in the scene his trousers fall down at a busy crossroads - I guess he had a tax bill due. Come to think of it he must get loads of them what with all the straight to DVD ‘American Pie’ films…

Jackson is dreadful as the hard man who isn’t lonely but regrets the deteriorating relationship he has with his ballet dancing 10 year old daughter. He tries to come across as tough but just seems like a bullying dick in every scene. Miguel and Susie have little to do but both will be crossing this effort from their CVs if they have any sense.

I appreciate this isn’t meant to be an awards contender but the low brow laughs, terrible acting and non-existent plot mean it will be regarded as an insult even to the most committed moron. Avoid!

THE Tag Line -  Man, This is awful    25%

No.102 : The Challenge (1982)

The Challenge at the IMDb

East meets West now in this 1982 action thriller, which was a lot better than I anticipated.

Scott Glenn stars as Rick a down on his luck boxer - but we know he’s still got it when he KO’s the smart mouth champ he’s meant to be sparring with. His skills attract the attention of a wheelchair bound Japanese businessman who for some reason finds his employees in back street gyms. He offers Rick $500 dollars a day for taking an antique sword back to Japan. The sword’s ownership is sorely contested by two brothers and by entrusting it to Rick he hopes it can be delivered without incident - haven’t these people heard of Royal Mail special delivery?

As expected, things don’t go smoothly with Rick being intercepted at the airport - what a rubbish plan! Rick’s captor is a westernised Japanese thug who is tasty with his knife and has a nice line in casual swearing. He soon finds out that Rick is a decoy as the sword in his golf bag is a fake. Careful not to upset his boss the thug grabs the wheelchair man and shoves him out onto a road and off a bridge that wasn’t designed for wheelchair access. With the deception exposed and paymaster lost Rick has to wonder who is going to sign his expenses chitty.

He meets the evil big boss and is offered $15,000 if he can get in with the nice brother and steal the sword back when the opportunity arises. Rick agrees and after some training in the martial arts he gets his chance. His honour gets the better of him however, and after looking at the nice engravings he takes it back only to be greeted by the master - he saw Rick’s good character all along!

The sensei looks after Rick and trains him in the old ways of stick, sword and throwing stars. The other brother is a total dick with a big lair and loads of goons with guns - frankly I think the baddie has the better idea! Rick falls for the master’s foxy daughter and after a few run ins with the bad guys they decide to take the fight to the leader’s lair to reclaim their sword and their honour. Can the sword beat the gun and will the family be healed? Will that order for new hats be a waste and will Rick achieve redemption?

Directed by John Frankenheimer this was a superior ‘fish out of water’ movie that had plenty of action as well as some intelligent commentary on culture clashes and the old meeting the new. It was a lot like ‘The Last Samurai’ with the two brothers at opposite ends of the moral and weaponry spectrums. As with all these kind of films there is a lot of chatter about ‘honour’ and ‘loyalty’ and it’s wasted as they all end up stabbing each other in the back - it’s just like the Klingons!

The action was great however and the assault on the bad guy’s lair was like something out of a James Bond film with endless henchmen being mercilessly dispatched. The main bad guy and his helper got great send offs with the effects equal to the gore.

Scott Glenn isn’t the most enigmatic of actors but he does well here with his rite of passage from loser to hero well documented. He spends five days in a hole eating bugs and comes out of it none the worse and he nails the hot daughter to boot! The settings were all authentic and although the frenetic last 20 minutes was out of kilter with what had gone before it meant the film ended on a high.

The film was a lot like earlier Definite Article subject ‘The Yakuza’ with many of the same scenes present and correct. It was however a more enjoyable and fulfilling movie that had a satisfying mix of sex , violence and a man eating cockroaches and it is certainly this blogger’s ‘Round Eye in Japan’ film of choice.

81% Best Bit - I’ll get my hat - wait, don’t bother

No.88 : The Contract (2006)

The Contract at the IMDb

 You would think you’d have heard of the 2006 thriller starring Morgan Freeman and John Cusack, but the chances are you haven’t as it had the dreaded ‘DVD Premiere’ tag. Having seen it, it is not hard to see why as it’s a total mess despite what would appear to be a straightforward plot.

Cusack plays Ray, a widowed father to a wayward teen. He lost his wife to cancer two years previously and we know he’s still hurting as he wears a pink support bracelet. The off the rails kid is more stage school than reform school and his chat about reefers doesn’t ring true at all. The boy is excluded from school and to try for some bonding Cusack takes him on a hiking trip to the state park.

Meanwhile Morgan Freeman is planning a hit with four henchmen. They are all a bit colourful with one playing chess to show he’s the brains of the outfit. We aren’t told the target but stage one involves shoving a bloke in front of a car. Before stage two can take place Freeman is involved in a car smash of his own and wakes up chained to a hospital bed. His henchmen plot his escape as only Morgan has the bank codes and soon the standard ‘broken down truck’ ploy has freed the aged assassin.

Not quite however as the escape plan sends freeman down river with a shot FBI agent where he is rescued by Cusack and his son. What follows is the predictable cat and mouse set up you’d expect as Cusack tries to keep ahead of Morgan’s mates and return him to justice. Meanwhile the Borg Queen and some local hick sheriffs try to save the day. With the finale approaching will Freeman manage to fulfil ‘The Contract’ which is largely forgotten throughout the film but still serves as its title.

This film probably serves as the ‘Day 1’ showing on the ‘Troubled Production’ section of any film school course. The main issue is that it doesn’t make any sense and there are unnecessary complications that add nothing to the mix except those unwanted ingredients of confusion and dissatisfaction.

The main issue I had was with the whole police angle. They may have been solely employed as filler to the patchy script but they did nothing apart from comment on the coffee and  local law enforcement. The sub-plot of one of Freeman’s men being a plant wasn’t explored and I’ve no idea what the motivation of his boss, The Borg Queen, was.

The finale, where we were meant to be wrong footed about the assassination target, was totally fudged and I was totally expecting the revealed target and not the ridiculous suggestion that it might be the President.

The cast looked largely disinterested and Freeman totally didn’t convince as the hard as nails, military trained assassin. He wandered about in his suit trying to play mind games with his captors but exuded all the menace of Graham Norton on an extra camp day. Cusack looked aghast at some of the hokey dialogue he was provided and again his motivation was unclear. The idea that he was marching a hit man about the mountains to show his son about responsibility was as laughable as it was unbelievable.

There was possibly a good film in here somewhere with a clearly excellent cast and large budget that was at least used to show an impressive helicopter crash. It does however have to go down as a wasted opportunity with a messy script and sketchy characters signalling its failure before the first half hour had passed.

THE Tag Line - It’s only 90 minutes!  28%