No. 134 : The Magus (1968)

The Magus at the IMDb

Woody Allen is quoted as saying that if he had his life again he’d change nothing except that he wouldn’t watch ‘The Magus’ a second time. I can see where he’s coming from as it’s a frustrating and difficult film, but you will see worse and at least it’s always sunny!

Michael Caine stars in his seventh Definite Article outing at Nicholas Urfe (pronounced ‘earth’), a young teacher who is starting an assignment working at a remote Greek school. His predecessor killed himself and the conditions may have something to answer for - no OFSTED pass here! He’s told that 'there are no women here' to which he relies ’Good’. No, not like that - he’s nursing a broken heart!

We see in flashback his romance with a French air stewardess who shows him her prized glass paperweight with a flower inside - the self same one Caine receives as a gift in the post. He looks somewhat saddened - maybe he was expecting a consignment of nudie mags when the postman appeared?

Anyway, to wile away the time Caine wanders around the island and soon meets Anthony Quinn who is hamming it up as usual. His character is Conchis (pronounced ‘Conscious’) and he starts to entrance/annoy Caine with a series of mind games and parlour tricks. He reads Caine’s tarot cards and explains ‘The Magus’ (that’s the name of the film!) card represents the magician. He also goes into flashback mode to explain his own heartache and morphs into a young Trigger. Trigger is so young his broom is on its first head and second handle and he’s dodging the war draft and upsetting his lady love at the same time.

Meanwhile Cane is seeing a foxy Candice Bergen in 1920’s garb and lots of fantasy hallucinations. Quinn reveals he’s actually a shrink and Bergen is his nutty patient. Caine doesn’t know who to believe when Bergen says she’s sane and lets him have a big kiss. With his air hostess erstwhile girlfriend heading by for a layover and no teaching being done whatsoever, we have to wonder who is mad, who is sane and who will watch to the end to find out?

After an nice skinny dip with the air hostess Caine lets her go in preference to Bergen who may or may not be nutty. Quinn meanwhile gives up a bit of his backstory and a sorry episode involving his time as mayor during the Nazi occupation. Caine is indifferent but gets interested when the Nazis appear and start to bother him. Is the whole thing a film set? A hallucination? A pretentious journey into the troubled Caine’s mind? Don’t ask me, I just watched it!

There is so much happening in ‘The Magus’ that it’s hard to totally dismiss it. It is a disjointed mess but there are good bits, especially Quinn’s impossible dilemma when he has the choice of bashing three partisans to death or letting the Nazis kill 80 locals. Actually that one doesn’t seem too tough.

The film doesn’t have a coherent narrative and you get the sense that this was the plan throughout. You could imagine polo necked film students getting a lot from analysing every frame, but for a casual viewer seeking entertainment ‘The Magus’ can’t be recommended.

• Well, apart from the unreleased ‘The Debtors’ that’s the Caine Definite oeuvre covered. It’s been a mixed bag at best but from an enjoyability standpoint alone I’d rank them best to worst as Actors, Hand, Statement, Destructors, Swarm, Island, Magus.

25% TAG Line : Make it Disappear!

No.103 : The Man (2005)

The Man at the IMDb

Samuel L Jackson and Eugene Levy star in this alleged comedy that marries the familiar plots of ‘fish out of water’ and ‘mismatched partners’.

Levy play Andy, a nervous Wisconsin dental supplies salesman who is travelling to Detroit for a convention. His supportive family wish him well as he practices his speech and warn him of the dangers of the mean streets of Michigan. Meanwhile Jackson’s detective partner has been murdered and he’s out for revenge.

Jackson bullies $20k from a fat evidence clerk and arranges a meeting with a dodgy gun dealer. Jackson fails to find the USA Today he needs to signal his contact and wouldn’t you know it? Levy is already at the meeting place diner reading the self same newspaper. Strangely the paper alone is enough to convince the gun runner that Levy is his buy and he hands him a phone and gun as a taster. This unlikely scenario means that Levy is embroiled in the sting and he has to team up with Jackson to solve the case.

Initially Levy is shy and nervous and Jackson rough and tough but soon the two start to learn from each other and gain confidence and humility as a result. Yes, it is that crappy. The gunrunner and ruthless killer is laughably Luke Goss out of ‘Bros’ and as you’d guess he exudes all the menace of Elmer Fudd. Like no gunner runner you could imagine Goss sends the unlikely duo across town as he tries to work out if they are cops while Jackson tries to keep the unpredictable Levy onside.

Back at the station the familiar face of  Miguel Ferrer is heading up an investigation of Jackson whom he thinks may be bent. Jackson also has Susie off ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ as his unconvincing boss who tells him to hand in his badge and gun - yeah that’ll work. As we enter the last third seeds are sown that make us wonder if Jackson really is corrupt (he isn’t) and whether Levy will manage to pull of his big speech following his experiences (he does).

Jesus wept,  this is a terrible film. It suffers from virtually every problem a film like this can have from poor script, terrible acting, a famine of laughs and an unbelievable and deeply padded plot. The majority of the film (read : all of it) is totally pointless as it was always ending up with a showdown at the warehouse for the big gun buy. To get us there we have to suffer some execrable scenes where Levy farts a lot and another where he gets shot in the ass and chooses to treat it with taco sauce.

There is no danger whatsoever with cool killer Luke completely out of his depth as the thinly sketched bad guy. The subplot of the internal affairs investigation is also a waste as we know Jackson is innocent mainly because he’s the star but also because we witness Luke carrying out one of the killings pinned on Jackson.

I’m probably looking a bit too deeply into this film which is not something the script writers can be accused of. If they played it straight up comedy you could excuse some of the shortfalls but when they include murders and a mystery element along side and extended farting scene you can tell it’s all over the place.

Levy probably garners half marks as he’s just doing his usual nervous dad shtick but he doesn’t cover himself in glory, not least in the scene his trousers fall down at a busy crossroads - I guess he had a tax bill due. Come to think of it he must get loads of them what with all the straight to DVD ‘American Pie’ films…

Jackson is dreadful as the hard man who isn’t lonely but regrets the deteriorating relationship he has with his ballet dancing 10 year old daughter. He tries to come across as tough but just seems like a bullying dick in every scene. Miguel and Susie have little to do but both will be crossing this effort from their CVs if they have any sense.

I appreciate this isn’t meant to be an awards contender but the low brow laughs, terrible acting and non-existent plot mean it will be regarded as an insult even to the most committed moron. Avoid!

THE Tag Line -  Man, This is awful    25%