No.234 : The Freebie (2011)

 

The Freebie at the IMDb

Here we are with a strong contender for the worst Definite Article film of all! This was a ghastly effort that was predictable, dull and irritating in equal measures.

Starring Dax Shepard, whom we liked in ‘Employee of the Month’, this is an achingly trendy independent film that follows the emotional angst of a young couple, Annie and Darren. The two haven’t had sex in living memory and are worried that their relationship has lost its spark. At a dinner party, with their equally douche bag friends, they discuss being free and what it would be like to have sex with someone else and see a person, other than your partner, naked.

At this point I thought they were going to let each other have a freebie (the clue is in the title) and then their relationship would flounder over jealousy and recriminations. That is exactly what happened; but it was even worse - we were also treated to a good half hour of our unlikeable pair yelling at each other and name calling, before reconciling. 

After the agreement was reached the two head out on their respective quest for their hole and here were found the only bits of the film that were half decent. Both had been out of the dating game for some time and their clumsy manoeuvring was quite fun. Dax hooks up with a barista he’d flirted with and Annie takes a bar tender into the bogs.

Both get hot and heavy but it is left unclear whether either or both actually sealed the deal. Back at home jealousy takes over with  Dax being a total dick and calling Annie a slut. Hypocrite warning! The relationship starts to shatter and sobbing and name calling continue for far too long. Annie then says she didn’t go through with the dirty deed, but we don’t know if this is true or whether she is just trying to salvage the marriage which is frankly moribund already. As the film ends the pair are back together but can what has been done and said ever be forgotten?

This film played out like some pretentious actors’ workshop. It looked like it wasn’t scripted with them just yelling random stuff at each other. There was basically no plot either with the whole thing a tiresome examination of relationships and moral values. I could see some tosspots at a workshop musing over the characters’ motivations and problem people having a good old inward search as a result of being exposed to this effort.

The film used a non-linear narrative to throw clips of the nights out into the contemporaneous discussions of them. The idea here was to drip feed us ‘evidence’ but it just made the film a jumbled mess.

For me it was dull and predictable with the added ingredient of spending 77 minutes with unlikeable people with their first world, self-manufactured problems. I guess the motivation here was to ask the viewer ’what would you do?’ - easy response - Don’t watch this guff. 

The Tag Line : Don’t Watch This Guff!  12%

No.214 : The Cooler (2003)

The Cooler at the IMDb

Time for middle aged man wish fulfilment now - getting off with Maria Bello and winning at Vegas.

William Hall Macy, to give him his full name, stars as Bernie, a cooler in a Vegas casino. He’s basically the physical embodiment of bad luck and is employed by the casino to cool down players on a hot streak. His effectiveness is displayed by how much cream he gets in his coffee (not a metaphor) and how baggy his suit is. As the film starts he’s super baggy and cream free but that will soon change.

His casino, The Golden Shangri-La, is the last of the old school casinos, still run by the mob and holding out against the corporate takeover that has befallen many of its contemporaries. The manager Alec Baldwin likes his old school crooners and leg breaking policy, but change is on the way in the form of Ron Livingston’s corporate go-getter who is keen to transform the ageing casino.

Things change fro Bernie too as he meets up with attractive waitress Maria Bello. It’s unclear why she takes a shine to Bernie but the pair hit it off and are soon repaying Bernie’s demonstrative neighbours with sex noises of their own, albeit faked ones. This upswing in Bernie’s happiness is a dampener on his powers and soon everyone is winning on his watch. Added to the mix is Bernie’s hustler son and his possibly pregnant girlfriend and Bernie’s ambition to leave his old life behind. Can he get away and find happiness or will Baldwin display his big brass balls once again and keep him in his cooler job?

I hadn’t seen this film in many years and although I still liked it, it was hard to justify my previous 8/10 rating. It is very good with some excellent performances, but I just fund it somewhat slight the second time around. No explanation is given for Bernie’s powers and although Bello likes astrology, there is no suggestion that anything supernatural is going on. I think it was better left unexplained but as a gimmick it was a but light to carry a whole film - I could see it as an ‘X-Files’ episode quite comfortably, but as a 100 minute feature it seemed a bit padded.

Macy and Bello were good and I liked that my early thoughts that she’d never go for him were borne out when Baldwin’s scheming was revealed. It was nice that she did end up liking him after all and it’s doubtful that his piles of cash had anything to do with that. Both were fully immersed in their role and, whilst their expressions of love were justified in the context of the film, I could have done without the shots of Macy’s sweaty bum.

Baldwin was excellent as the casino boss hanging onto the old times but he didn’t quite match the intensity of his ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ performance. It was also good to see Ron Livingston off ‘Office Space’ and ‘Band of Brothers’ but he didn’t get much to work with as the corporate face of Vegas’ future.

There were some quite brutal scenes of women being beaten up and the film wasn’t shy is showing Vegas’ seamy underbelly, but a pat ending made for an enjoyable if slightly underwhelming experience.


THE Tag Line : Worth a Flutter 70%

No.213 : The Goob (2014)

The Goob at the IMDb

Oh a teenage coming of age film? That’ll be nice. Oh wait, British? Miserable it is then.

‘The Goob’ of the title is a 16 year old lad who has just finished school in rural Norfolk. He leaves the school bus for the last time and enters a world of, well not very much really.

Goob rides his moped to meet a bloke who I think was his Dad. He has a laugh and borrows some clothes having left the school bus in his pants - must be an English thing. He heads to the grim transport café where his mother works and then out to the banger racing with his brother and Mum’s new man Gene. Gene wins the race and goes home for some special attention from Goob’s mother. Goob and his brother sneak in and steal the keys for the stock car and head out for a joyride. Gene soon catches up and, following a crash, Goob’s brother is left in comedy traction.

Reasonably enough, Gene isn’t happy and has Goob work in his fields where the pumpkin harvest is due. Gene buses in a load of Eastern European field workers and, as the days of toil in the field goes by, Goob’s attention is drawn to a pretty young girl. Meanwhile a new camp employee has joined also and Gene ‘s wandering eye moves on to waitress Hannah Spearitt and to Goob’s object of desire.

Will anything happen or is this just a long hot summer slice of life?

I had concerns about this film from the off having noticed it was funded by the BBC and the BFI - worthiness was quickly confirmed and we were treated to 84 minutes of country living in the company of a bunch of chavs. Sadly it was more ‘bubonic’ than ‘bucolic’. Fair enough it was probably true and realistic, but not all stories need to be told.

The standout was Sean Harris, who graduated from this to be the baddie in the last two ‘Mission Impossible’ films. Maybe less worthy, but far more enjoyable. He exudes a quite menace and to be honest I was a bit disappointed that his character wasn’t as mental as his malevolent presence suggested.

I felt Liam Walpole in the title role was a bit limited and engaging. Quietness was his thing, but he failed to instill any sense of character with me. I preferred his campy friend, who looked lucky to get out alive after doing a dance number in Gene’s wife’s dress. It was a shame we didn’t see more of Hannah Spearritt as the downtrodden waitress Mary, but she was decent in her limited screen time.

Overall not much happened. I was awaiting a big revelation, a murder or some crazy twist but instead all I got was some people picking stuff in a field and lots of shouting at low rent barbecues. I’m sure these films are seen as important historical documents but for me, you need to add a wee bit of entertainment or narrative into the mix to make a viewing more than just a worthy pursuit.

It looked nice and the long hot summer was well realised, I just needed more to happen and for there to be a third act. Or a second.

THE Tag Line : North Norfolk’s Best Pumpkin Mix 51%

No.178 : The Wackness (2008)

The Wackness at the IMDb

Although made in 2008 this film looks to capture those crazy days of 1994 when pagers and mix tapes were all the rage.

We follow our hero Luke through a hot New York summer as he deals with issues and has a romance with Judge Anderson, no less. The film has chapter cards showing each month in a graffiti tag style which was also used to vandalise the ‘Sony Picture Classics’ logo at the beginning, in what was a fun touch.

Luke kills the time before he heads for college by pedalling dope from an ice cream cart whilst staying out of the way of his parents who are constantly fighting and about to lose their fancy mid town apartment. Luke also engages in therapy with his slightly offbeat shrink played by an excellent Ben Kingsley. He is a bit off the wall but offers solid advice in exchange for packages of pot.

Luke is still a virgin - must be the only drug dealer who is! - and has no friends. He doesn’t always charge for his drugs but is still left out of the party invites and of the trips abroad. Things look up however when he meet’s Ben’s stepdaughter, the lovely Olivia Thirlby. She is a free spirit and agrees to start seeing Luke, an event that leads the pavement to light up Billie Jean style as he walks home.

The two enjoy an idyllic beach house weekend and despite Luke’s hair trigger the two get it on before Luke spoils it all by saying something stupid like ‘I love you’. Olivia has a different agenda and cuts him off. Meanwhile Ben and his wife Famke Janssen are splitting up and as a result he's taking up hard drugs and suicide attempts.

With all this disfunctionality on show, who will survive the summer and what will the fallout be? Can Luke embrace the dopeness (good) and forget about the wackness (bad)?

I really liked this film despite not being a fan of the drugs culture or of the hip-hop music that permeates throughout. The two leads are great and their long chats are good fun as are their experiments in bad behaviour.

The whole melancholy mood is well realised and I got the vibe of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums' of lives being on hold waiting for something to happen. New York looked great with the hot, claustrophobic elements of the city brought to the fore.

The ending was satisfying - hopeful but not Hollywood. Overall this was an enjoyable outing to a more innocent time when drug busts, mobile phones and Covid-19 were all the things of a madman’s dreams.

THE Tagline : Dopeness Achieved - 75%

No.119 : The Sandpiper (1965)

The Sandpiper at the IMDb

 Richard Burton and Liz Taylor star in this 1960s drama that sees him as a priest wrestling with his conscience and her as an artist struggling to keep herself in a succession of tight outfits.

The film opens with a young lad shooting a fawn with an air gun as his bohemian mother Liz paints on the beach below. We cut to the judge’s office and learn that the killing is the boy’s third offence in a few months. Liz as a maverick single mother defends her son’s right to explore his emotions but the judge is having none of it and demands the boy goes to Burton’s reform school.

We meet Burton in his priestly garb as he discusses his plans for the boy. No, not like that - he’s married and we are sure there is a spark from the off with the bra-less mother. Burton engineers excuses to visit Liz’s Big Sur beach house and is impressed when she tapes up a sandpiper’s broken wing with tape and a straw. As a metaphor the bird with a broken wing is a bit clumsy but we hope it will fly again - a bit like the buttoned down Burton.

Liz initially plays the horny headmaster along and discusses her plans as she modestly poses for her sculptor friend Charles Bronson. She does however soon fall for the pent up priest and soon the pair embark on a passionate affair. Burton’s life is complicated by his wife and the investors he’s pumping for a new chapel.

As the sandpiper gets ready to fly the coop Burton has to decide where his loyalties lie and whether Liz’s beach shack is worth giving up his cassock and twin setted wife. Liz meanwhile is starting to sell her art off the back of her notoriety - will she up sticks to San Francisco and take her annoying son out of Burton’s school? Does she love the potent priest or is he a means to an end?

Despite a screeching trumpet lead soundtrack I enjoyed this tale of passion and morals. Liz and Burton certainly crackle on the screen and this is possibly the only film of hers where Liz is genuinely curvy and sexy. She doesn’t quite convince as the carefree beach dweller but as least she’s better than ‘sculptor’ Charlie Bronson - c’mon Charlie get that gun out and get back to work!

Burton’s transformation from devout preacher and husband to attendee of beatnik parties is well done although the relationship does always seem a bit out of kilter of what we know about the characters. The metaphor of the bird is heavy handed with Burton keen to fly away from the responsibilities of his job and life in general.

The Californian beach settings are great and the film has a sixties vibe of free love that is always clawing away at the stuck up morals of the church and its elders. The couple never really win over our sympathies with him being a hypocrite and her being a slut with an agenda. As the pieces come to rest you have to wonder if it was worth it but I guess that’s the point of the whole affair.

THE Tag Line : Bronson Gets Wood!  68%