No.246 : The Gift (2015)

The Gift (2015) at the IMDb

Jason Bateman and Rebecca Hall star as a yuppie couple who relocate to L.A. and get some nice presents. Well they do, but ‘the gift’ of the title is something far more sinister - or maybe not, it all depends on your point of view.

Bateman and Hall are trying for a baby and seem to have an ideal lifestyle in the suburbs with their dog. Trouble looms beneath the surface however, with Hall seeming a bit too keen on the contents of their friend’s medical cabinet and I’m not talking about the piles cream that we all have. That most people have, not me.

On a trip to the shops the couple meet up with Gordo, an old high school friend of Bateman’s. He’s a bit creepy and Bateman fobs him off with a fake phone number. There’s no film in that however and they are soon beset with gifts of wine and fishes from Gordo who also invites them over for dinner. That turns out to be a bust, especially when it’s revealed that Gordo’s palatial home isn’t even his. 

It’s clear that Gordo is a total freak and the rest of the film will deal with him stalking our yuppie heroes. But wait! They don’t want to go down that route so things start to slowly dismantle with the roots of Bateman’s and Gordo’s relationship explored. Is Bateman all he seems and who is the real victim here?

As the tension ratchets up Bateman is vying for a promotion with one other candidate and Hall falls pregnant after the couple have tried for ages. Can these events play out in a nice and convenient manner? No chance - as the birth approaches Bateman and Hall question their relationship whilst we are left to wonder if Gordo is a pyscho or the real victim here. Will the final gift tie up all the clues or will it be something to return for store credit? Should have provided a gift receipt really.

I enjoyed this film that had Bateman playing against type with his usual everyman persona giving way to a nasty bully. He had clearly made a huge mistake in engaging with Gordo and that was never going to end well. Gordo was played by Joel Edgerton who also wrote and directed and he did a good job juggling all the responsibilities. His Gordo was the right level of creepy with an air of the pathetic, although I was less convinced by him towards the end when he turned out to be the master planner and manipulator.

The first half hour of the film was very familiar and I’m glad they deviated from the path of the obsessed stalker and made things a lot more interesting. Bateman was his usual reliable self with the added mean streak a welcome distraction. There was a bit of victim wish fulfilment going on, but the film was well paced with the surprises earned and satisfying.

All in all this was a welcome gift on Amazon Prime and one that would give you an even better reason for avoiding your high school reunion.

THE Tag Line - Better to Give Than Receive 71%

 

No.245 : The Landlord (2015)

 The Landlord at the IMDb

Also known as ‘Slumlord’ and ‘13 Cameras’ this film seems to have struggled to find an identity and that’s no surprise given it also struggled for a narrative, twist or anything approaching engagement with the audience. Still it did spawn a sequel ‘14 Cameras’ so at least the Go-Pro people seem to be doing well out of the franchise. Next up ‘15 Cameras and a Wi-fi dongle’ I suspect.

As a landlord myself I was hoping to pick up some tips about rent collection and stain removal but instead it was a peeping tom landlord who locks folk in his basement. Nothing new here then!

Young pregnant couple, Ryan and Claire, are looking for a new rental condo. They find a nice one which happens to have a fat and scruffy, monosyllabic landlord who stinks. That’s a stereotype right there. They take on the property but unknown to them the landlord has a Tandy gold card and has fitted out the whole house with a load of cameras - I’m guessing 13.

He watches their comings and goings on and we and he learn that Ryan is boffing his PA, the lovely Hannah. Luckily for the landlord Ryan brings his work home and he gets a front row seat for all the action, even underwater in their pool. At first I thought he was maybe a kindly overseer with perhaps his purpose being to keep some supernatural evil in check? This better plot wasn’t thought of or was as dismissed however, with our man just being a total creep, with a shot of all his used Kleenex around his computer monitors all we needed to know of his motivations.

His peeping runs parallel with the demise of the couple's relationship, with the affair suspected and Ryan exiled from the house. The Landlord tried to keep the girlfriend a secret by locking her in the basement but things come to a head when a camera is spotted and the basement hostage manages to escape. Will the landlord go without a fight and return the security deposit? No chance; armed with his hammer heads over to sort out his troublesome tenants - will he be able to re-let and retain his accreditation from the local authority?

This was easy viewing as basically the film went from a to b to c with no struggle at all. As mentioned I was hoping we’d get a wrong foot with the Landlord being a kindly soul watching over the couple like a guardian angel. Instead he was just a pervert who for some reason became homicidal towards the end. Maybe he’d done similar before, but it was kept vague, especially as he barely mumbled a dozen lines of dialogue in the whole film.

The two leads were passable but you didn’t really care for them, given their relationship was already crumbling when we first meet. The end was undercooked with the hammer filled home invasion over in moments with the minimum of fuss. The closing scenes of our man still in the rental market were probably meant to worry the viewer, but I was just happy to see an upturn in tenancy rates.

This was a passable thriller that has nothing to set it apart in a crowded genre, that could have done with a better bad guy and a bit more peril than him messing with their toothbrushes.

THE Tag Line : Not One For Rental 54%

No.243 : The Sisterhood (1988)

 The Sisterhood at the IMDb

This pile of nonsense could be seen as a companion piece for the recently reviewed The Aftermath, what with both being post apocalyptic films that were largely filmed in the same quarry.

The film is set in the far off future of 2021. The world has been devastated and people have to dress like extras from Mad Max, apart from one woman who wears Levis in what IMDb describes as a product placement deal. A group of brigands attack a couple of woman on horseback - but they have foolishly engaged with ‘the sisterhood’. A poorly choreographed swordfight takes place with the sisterhood coming out on top, partly due to beams that come out of one of their eyes and dislodge a small pile of rocks. They send the bad men on their way, with their one injury quickly healed by one lady’s blue light emitting hand.

We learn that all of the sisterhood’s members have a special power, which is usually quite cheap to demonstrate, which was no doubt a boon to the budget. Levis girl isn’t in the sisterhood but is soon alone when the bad men set free by the sisterhood attack her camp and kill everyone apart from her. She can talk to a fortune telling hawk however - is that the kind of power that gets you in the sisterhood?

We follow baddie Mikal, who really hates the sisterhood, and plans to attack their base. He joins forces with a couple of local militias, one whose leader is always screaming for parts - as long as they are car parts and not acting ones, we’ll be all right.

Meanwhile the two members of the sisterhood join up with Levis woman and take the gamble of crossing the Forbidden Zone so that they can warn their sisters of the impending attack. The Forbidden Zone is populated by savage mutants - all of whom wear the same outfit. Well, coordination is important in a radioactive wasteland.

Back at the Sisterhood’s base, ‘Calcava’ things aren’t looking great as the sisters have all been captured and the evil baddie is ripping their tops off one at a time. Can the Sisterhood be saved? Will that pristine cache of 20th century weapons and vehicles come in handy? You bet!

This film was clearly in the ‘awful but we know it’ category. The whole affair takes place in the same quarry with the actors looking dizzy at having to drive their cars in endless circles. It tries to be ‘The Road Warrior’ with a bit of ‘Logan’s Run’ thrown in, but it looks like a film school project completed as a dare.

There are endless swordfights with every individual battle choreographed the same way - clank, boot, slash and cut to bloody wound shot. The acting is as risible as the pathetic script demands, and the special effects amount to some blue ‘beams’ being drawn onto the film.

For the big finale they obviously thought another sword fight wouldn’t cut it so our heroes find a fully functioning fall out shelter complete with guns and armoured vehicles. How the armoured car and weapons all still work isn’t really covered - maybe the women are all just great mechanics? Any suggestion of this being a ‘girl power’ event is quickly lost when a couple of scenes of topless women are slotted in for no discernable reason - apart from the worried producers looking at the first cut and realising no one but perverts (and honest reviewers) will watch this rubbish. The nudity is all body doubles so clearly done after the fact; as was the poster - spoiler alert - there is not one golden bikini in this film!

A mindless distraction or dated sexist rubbish? Have no fun finding out!

THE Tag Line : Sisters Shouldn’t Do This For Themselves - 27%

No.237 : The Hitcher (2007)

 

The Hitcher (2007) at the IMDb

Why bother with classic Definite Article films when there’s a crappy remake to look over? I’ve not seen the Rutger Hauer version in ages, but I remember it to be a slow burn, with subtle malevolent terror building before a satisfying climax. This remake had none of that but it did have a man being pulled apart by a truck and an non-exploding helicopter.

Our hero couple are Grace and Jim. They are headed across country for spring break, with their early character traits being he’s a bit of a douche and she likes going to the toilet a lot. The opening credits meander along for ages as they slowly leave the city and head into New Mexico where the roads are quiet and the filming incentives seemingly quite generous.

They narrowly avoid hitting a man hitching for a lift by his broken down car and drive off as he approaches them for assistance. This seems a wise move but they then stop at a local gas station as she needs the toilet - again! Inevitably the hitchhiker catches up with them and don’t you know it, it’s good old affable Sean Bean. Jim agrees to take Sean to a nearby hotel despite Grace giving him the stink eye for offering - well Bean is notorious for hogging the stereo.

Grace’s misgivings prove correct when Sean, after asking after the couple’s sex life, pulls a knife and a struggle ensures. The couple manage to kick Sean out of their fast moving car but unfortunately for them they have already divulged their travel plans and he has Grace‘s old Nokia phone.

As you’d probably guess he stalks their every move, with their car soon getting totalled after a failed attempt to warn a family about Sean’s stabbing ways. The two continue on foot and are soon picked up by the police. Safety at last! Not really, as Sean Terminators his way through the whole station causing our kids to flee into the wilderness. After some more gratuitous blood letting the police, with their leader Neil McDonough , arrest our pair as Sean has cleverly framed them.

Sean doesn’t want to leave the film however, so he explodes all the police cars and a helicopter (off screen) and again our kids are fighting for their lives. How many more must die? Can the scriptwriter be next?!

This was a total waste of time and derivative trash but it will probably raise the odd smile with you as it did with me. It is so ridiculous and over the top it was no surprise to see Michael Bay’s name in the credits. There is a great scene where Sean roars up in his black Trans-am and takes on three fully laden cop cars and a helicopter. Unfortunately for the police their cars weren’t fitted with gravity as they immediately start flying in the air as Sean pops his pistol at them.

Bean is a decent actor but he lacks the presence of Rutger and his character’s lack of backstory just made him dull rather than enigmatic. The two leads were forgettable with the girl especially poor as she tried to kick ass with a shotgun but only managed to pull off ‘slightly daft looking’ instead.

There were plenty of killings and gore if that’s your thing, but for me it was a bit too on the nose with Bean being a force of nature, killing everyone with a single shot whilst being invulnerable himself.

This one pales next to the original, but as a throwaway on Amazon Prime it does have its moments and doesn’t ask too much of you as it delivers them.

The Tag Line : Give It a Ride!  55%

No.229 : The Aftermath (1982)

 

The Aftermath at the IMDb

This would be an easy film to rip to shreds with its poor production values, terrible acting and shocking script but it was so rubbish that you can’t help but enjoy it.

We open in space with three astronauts returning fro a year long mission. They blame a radio malfunction for a lack of communication and possibly for one actor being on a different set than the other two. Their spaceship model judders along on its string as it makes the hazardous decent back to earth. They manage to crash in the sea, just outside of Los Angeles, the plan being lots of people will notice them and come out to help.

Sadly no one witnesses their spectacular crash landing which must have been a waste of the fifty pence spent on the special effects. One actor manages to escape the film by dying but the other two are separated as they swim towards the beach. Our hero, Newman, is first ashore and thinks he has found some help, but alas his sunbathers forgot the Factor 50 and are all burnt out corpses.

He soon ties up with injured comrade, Mathews, and the two set up a camp only to be attacked by some blokes in Halloween masks. As they fight them off we follow a parallel storyline which sees some brigands attack a group of clean looking survivors and kidnap the woman after killing the men and children. Their leader ‘Cutter’ likes to laugh diabolically and never misses a chance to do so. Meanwhile we learn the fate that has befallen mankind has led to an acute shortage of bras.

Our two astronauts, now shaved and in civilian clothes, split up and Newman stumbles into a museum where the curator gives out loads of exposition before expiring and leaving our hero in charge of a young boy, Chris. The two bond and soon meet up with the lovely Sarah whom we earlier saw escaping from Cutter’s busy hands. They carry out an attack on Cutter’s base and free a mother and her daughter and, for a while, a brave new start seems possible.

Alas, the production finds another vat of fake blood to spill to we are left to guess who will survive the film and will anyone in the whole exercise ever work again?

This was a gawd awful film with some of the poorest acting you’ll ever see. Different film stocks appear throughout - often in the same scene and characters fire shots in daylight that hit targets at night. The budget appears to have been blown on squibs and fake blood, as the sets, models and costumes are as poor as you will ever see.

The timeline doesn’t make any sense with the astronauts only a way a year yet the children have known nothing other than the poorly acted horror they inhabit. Pristine jeeps are abundant, but the city model is a burnt out shell. One big fight moves from the desert to the city rooftops which show no damage whatsoever.

Picking nits would be too easy however, in a film where you could pick out rhinos and still leave bigger stuff behind. 

The hero character ‘Newman’ was played by the same bloke who wrote the script and directed the film so it’s almost a proto ‘The Room’. The only minor talent on show is Sid Haig as the villainous Cutter who just laughs a lot and does some dry humping - a good way to easy fifty bucks I guess!

Not a film to recommend but if you have time to kill, find it on Amazon Prime for a few laughs and some outrageous bad behaviour!

THE Tagline : You’ll Be Lucky to Survive This!  52%

No.227 : The Sand (2015)

 

The Sand at the IMDb

You know that TV show ‘Floor is Lava’? Well this film is basically that, with the floor being sand and to step in it is to risk a poor CGI demise.

The film opens with a bunch of frat kids having a beach party. I was concerned this may be a found footage affair as the first five minutes are basically jerky camcorder shots of teens doing shots and chugging beer. At one point they find a large slimy ball that looks for all the world like a testicle. They don’t pay it much heed but it couldn’t have been a more obvious plot device if it had ‘McGuffin’ written all over it.

Next morning the kids start to wake up. Four are in a car, two in a lifeguard station and one chap is in a barrel with a dick drawn on his face. Our lead girl Kaylee, sees a seagull get eaten by the sand, or to be more correct she sees it digitally erased, and immediately comes to the conclusion that the sand is alive and no one can step on it. Everyone takes this daft notion seriously, especially as teens start to be devoured by the hungry sand.

The ’monster’ isn’t clear from the start and takes the form of wispy tendrils that raise up from the stand and grab whomever it can. The majority of the film is then taken up with various plans to escape the threat. Things like building bridges out of wood and surfboards move the players about a bit and there is a sub plot about some one shagging another girl’s boyfriend, but essentially it’s just a poor excuse for having attractive young people slowly picked off by an unseen threat.

Salvation appears in the form of a disbelieving beach patrol guard but he’s soon killed off for disbelieving the kids and for being too old. Eventually we are down to four players and the monster is starting to reveal itself. Who will survive their day at the beach?

I saw this mess on Amazon Prime where it was tagged as a horror comedy. There were laughs to be fair, but they were of the ridiculous nature and seemingly unintended. The threat wasn’t discussed or explored, with only the testicle egg appearing split in half offering any  suggesting that the enemy may be of  extra terrestrial origin. Later on when it grew some tentacles it was a bit bolder but was less scary than when it was an unknown. That may be down to the quality of the CGI however, the software for which looked like it came from the cover of a magazine called ‘Shit CGI for Your Vic-20’ from the 80s.

The cast were uniformly awful but were serviced by some terrible dialogue “I don’t wanna die with a dick on my face” cried one - I hear you brother! The paper thin plot was like an unused 20 minute segment of ‘Creepshow’ stretched, beyond breaking point, to feature length.

Of course if watching some near teens cavorting about in their swimwear avoiding mild peril is your thing, you could probably do worse. More so if you like nitpicking your way through some terrible kills, massive plot holes and risible special effects. If however you’d prefer a decent film, I’d suggest that you look elsewhere.

Best Bit : Overacting Beach Patrol Man 40%