No.226 : The Yards (2000)

 

The Yards at the IMDb

You may have thought that E.U. rules would have demanded that this film be renamed ‘The Metres’ but fear not - the yards referred to are train yards, rather than units of measurement.

The film opens with a young looking Markie Mark heading home to Queens from a stint in prison. He was actually 29 when this was made and is the same age as me so it must just be a good vintage.

His family has a party for him and he is collared by his parole officer who needs him to get a job. He meets with his uncle James Caan who suggests a two year apprenticeship so that he can get a proper job. Not fancying this Markie hooks up with his friend Jaoquin Phoenix who works for Caan and seems to have loads of cash. He also has Markie’s old flame Charlize heron as a girlfriend.

Jaoquin explains that he is a fixer who wins contracts for Caan’s train fitting business. Of course this is done by way of bribes and smashing up his opposition’s rolling stock. He takes Markie along on a job that sees the yard manager refuse to play ball which results in Jaoquin stabbing him to death. Meanwhile altered by the alarm pressed by the yard manager a cop confronts Markie about his presence in the yard after dark. After a scuffle the cop is in a coma and sharp focus is drawn on the antics of Cann’s outfit and in the train tendering process in general.

Things deteriorate for Markie after he chickens out of finishing off the now conscious cop in his hospital bed, and gets fingered for the beating as well. Caan and the crew wash their hands of him and soon he is a marked man, especially after Jaoquin pins the murder on him too, after he learns that Charlize may like the Funky Bunch front man more than him.

With a large corruption investigation underway can Markie escape taking the blame and will the widespread corruption help to save his ass?

This was a decent offering but at the end it felt a bit slight and insubstantial. The story would have worked better as a mini series, as the sequence of events seemed hurried and unlikely. Markie basically goes for a job and on the first night is on the run for murder - maybe bed him in a bit and show us how things usually operate?

The settings and characters were familiar with the gritty realism of ‘Gone Baby Gone’ and ‘The Drop’ plain to see. It could have done with a Casey Affleck or similar in one of the leads as Markie and Jaoquin both looked like they were playing dress up. The larger cast was better despite James Caan’s poor moustache and Fay Dunaway’s poor fainting.

I’m not sure if this was a morality tale or just a slice of life but I wasn’t buying it. Markie seemed a bit of a scumbag and his resistance to a straight job left him being unsympathetic when circumstances went against him.

The big finale seemed a bit daft and I’m sure the police wouldn’t let a murder suspect out of their sight never mind let him weasel his way out of a air tight collar. I guess the message was that corruption goes to all levels, but it made for an unsatisfying conclusion that mirrored the rest of the film.

THE Tag Line - One Train You Can Miss 60%

No.224 : The Fury (1978)

The Fury (1978) at the IMDb

I remember seeing the trailer for this film probably 35 years ago and thought it looked great. The main showpiece was an exploding carnival and I made a mental note to look it up. Decades passed, but eventually it came up on Film 4 and I got my long awaiting viewing. What a disappointment! It’s like a low rent ‘X-Men’, with the heralded funfair scene lasting 30 seconds and consisting of some Arabs flying through a window.

The film opens in the “Mid East 1977”. Kirk Douglas is on holiday with his son Robin and friend John Cassavetes. He tells the reluctant son that they need to go to live in Chicago to investigate his abilities, but before they can pay their bar bill some Arabs attack. Lots of bullets fly but strangely one Arab is videotaping events. For reasons unknown Kirk makes off in a speedboat which immediately explodes. With Kirk thought dead Cassavetes shows his true colours and congratulates the Arabs on a job well done. Fortunately Kirk suffered only a torn t-shirt and manages to machine gun Cassavete’s arm before the  traitor makes off with the confused Robin.

A year passes and we’re in Chicago. Amy Irving is out with her friend but is tagged as a psychic by a suspicious looking man in a mac. He calls Kirk and tells him he’s found someone who maybe able to help him trace Robin. The CIA are however on the ball and trace the call to Kirk’s hotel room. If he hadn’t stayed in the same one as Jake Blues he’d have been less conspicuous. Just hope he remembered the Cheese Whizz, Boy.

Kirk gets away but Amy is enrolled into a school for talented psychics after she causes some trouble with her mind reading and nose bleed inducing powers. She forms a psychic connection with Robin and, despite them both being sedated and controlled at the CIA special school, both start to see their powers develop.

Can Kirk save his boy? Was it a good idea to inspect the roof together and will Cassavetes get his cleaning deposit back?

This was an overlong thriller with not enough happening to justify the two hour investment of your time. It was quite dated with the film stock looking like video tape. Director Brian De Palma also made some strange choices such as a round table dolly shot that made me dizzy and some terrible rear projection work in the car scenes. To be fair, there were some inventive touches such as Irving inhabiting the visions she was seeing, while the action played on, oblivious to her presence.

The special effects were variable with the blue eyes that signified ‘the fury’ looking painted on in post production. Some of the ‘Scanners’ like psychic violence was pretty brutal, with Cassavetes especially getting a rough time of it. (it's only a model!)

Kirk Douglas didn’t convince as the semi action hero running about in his shorts with a machine gun. He was 60 or so at the time of filming, so the only convincing scenes he had were those when he was ‘disguised’ as an old man.

The plot was quite weak with no explanation of the powers or their extent. Robin seemed to be corrupted by his power in five minutes whereas Irving needed a major character shift to mete out her revenge.

If the film lost half an hour and focused more on the powers than the quest to find the son it would have been a lot more enjoyable. As it was, it was really just Kirk looking for his son with added thought powers - and those are the cheapest of all super powers!

THE Tag Line : John Cassavetes is Definitely Dead  60%

No.219 :The Gambler (2014)

The Gambler (2014) at the IMDb

It was always going to be a tough ask to have Marky Mark fill James Caan’s 70’s Cuban heels, but this remake falls well short of the original. It does have a decent cast, but with nothing new added you have to wonder why they bothered.

The film opens with George Kennedy on his death bed - presciently so as it turned out to be his last role. He offers sage advice to his son Jim (Marky Mark) who proceeds to ignore it, heading off instead to a casino. He has $10k, which he bets on a single hand of blackjack, which he doubles up again and again before losing the lot. The casino’s owner is owed $240k and refuses any more credit. That’s fine as Omar off ‘The Wire’ is there and offers a $50k loan for a vig of 20 points a week - ten grand to you or me.

These rates would make Brighthouse blush but Jim is an addict and pisses the cash away. If you think he doesn’t convince as a gambler wait til you see him as a university literary professor. He tells his students not to try and write unless they are a genius or Captain Marvel who has shown up, as she’s not due to save the world for at least five years. He has another student who doesn’t care for class but he’s good at basketball and needs the scholastic credit. Might come in handy later that nugget!

Jim then goes hunting for more credit with John Goodman, using the impeccable logic that he can gamble his way out of his financial hole. When that doesn’t work out he heads to his mother Jessica Lange, who gets him a big bag of cash out of the bank. Problem solved.

No wait, he’s off to Vegas with Captain Marvel and he pisses that all away too. With the loan sharks circling Jim has only one shot - his ‘in’ with his basketball playing student. Can he corrupt the youth to save his neck and if he does is he only postponing the inevitable?

As a standalone movie this was decent but it pales in comparison to its predecessor. I felt Marky was too young to convey the gravitas as a professor or the world weariness needed to portray a gambler, keen to lose his cash as soon as possible.

The film followed the same narrative lines as the original but with some changes - there is no long suffering girlfriend here, only a prospect of a better life in the shape of Brie Larson. The mother role was transplanted intact but it was a mistake to have so many loan sharks played by familiar faces. Omar and Goodman both lacked menace and were too fond of talking and not keen enough on the leg breaking. I found it hard to believe the lines of credit being offered and the fact they were cool with Jim being in hock to so many bookies.

The film tried to add a bit of tension by having captions counting down the days until the debts became due. This was mostly pointless as Jim got shaken down every day anyway.

The gambling was mostly restricted to blackjack and roulette which at least it kept simple, without rules having to be explained. The Vegas sequence was a misfire with the ‘hit me on 18’ scene stuck in at the start which totally missed the point for me - in the original this was a sign that Caan was on an unbeatable lucky streak. Here he wins that one and then loses the lot.

The film missed the thrill and sleaziness of the gambling life with most of the bets being skill free coin flips. Fair enough the man’s an inveterate gambler, but his motivations and redemption were lacking for me.

Over all a decent character piece but one lacking any real insight or tension.

THE Tagline : Stick to the Seventies!  60%

No.180 : The Mack (1973)

The Mack at the IMDb

The Urban Dictionary describes a ‘Mack’ as a ladies’ man or a pimp. In this film it’s definitely the latter with Goldie being our main man. The film opens with Goldie getting arrested after a botched robbery he attempts with Richard Pryor, and getting five years in the joint.

Time flies and soon he’s back on the streets with ambitions to takes back what’s his, as well as lots of other stuff that isn’t his. The film is decidedly un PC with every character a racist bigot and that’s just the decent ones. Goldie’s plan is to get some broads or ‘bitches’ as he puts it, and to put them to work on the streets. Rather than feel exploited the women flock to have Goldie as their man.

He soon has a harem of ten ladies of the night on his payroll, with each earning him $100 a night (in 1973 money!). This allows him to indulge in a funny montage where he gets the best pimp gear and a fly Cadillac.

Not all is good however, with the two cops who arrested Goldie at the start trying to muscle in on his action and ‘The Fat Man’, the local Mr Big, also trying to get him in line.

We see some halcyon days with a pimp’s baseball match and barbecue (really!) as well as the ‘Playa of the Year’ awards where Goldie comes out on top. Goldie is also able to get his Mom out of the ghetto and into a harbour side apartment, whilst also having a hot white girlfriend. Can he hold it all together or will the lifestyle choices he has made come back to haunt him?

This was an outrageously un PC film by today’s standards with being caught with a copy of the script no doubt being a hate crime. It was almost exactly like ‘I’m Gonna Git Ya Sucker’ but funnier despite that one being a spoof. The clothes were amazing with Goldie’s gold bowler hat and cape combo a thing of beauty.

Goldie was a terrible person, with his exploitation of women and murders only slightly worse than his dress sense. At times he was painted in almost Robin Hood terms, but when he’s running classes in robbery and brainwashing women in a Planetarium it’s hard to cheer him on. There is some payback and reflection when various members of his posse and family get hit, but it’s played in such a cartoon fashion that it’s hard to really care.

I did like all the white villains such as the cops who, although corrupt, were also seen in a bad light for arresting Goldie for the big shoot out at the start. He was no angel and five years seemed a bit light. The Fat Man was a terrible overlord and it was no surprise that he fell for the old blind accordion player trick.

Max Julien in the lead was cool, but I wasn’t convinced by his powers of threat or menace. He looked like a nice man stuck in a funny hat and given reams of terrible dialogue to read out.

The film is a good laugh and a historical oddity. It does nothing for race relations with the African American community portrayed as mostly savage and backstabbing. All the whites were horrible too, so at least there was balance. Overall, one to watch and enjoy but also to burn if you get a knock on the door from some woke activists.

THE Tag Line : I Wanna See Assholes & Elbows! 60%

No.173 : The Room (2003)

The Room at the IMDb

We’ve booked a couple of rooms here at the Definitive Movies Blog, so check in and settle down for some badly informed comment and weak gags. First up is the self appointed ‘Citizen Kane’ of bad movies, ‘The Room’ from 2003. This pile of crap has enjoyed something of a renaissance recently with ‘The Disaster Artist’ starring James Franco being a bio-pic of a dreadful film.

So what makes a bad film? Is it just technical ineptitude and a poor script liberally sprinkled with terrible acting or is there something more? For me, a bad film is a boring one that’s quickly forgotten. You can’t say that for ‘The Room’ as it is as memorable as it is enjoyable. I know the film has cult status with people going to screenings dressed up and throwing spoons, that’s nice for them, but a bit tiresome really.

The film is written, directed and stars Tommy Wiseau whose performance has to be seen to be believed. He’s like a mash up between a wrestler and a Bond villain. He has long unkempt hair and a droopy eye. He is quite muscly and struggles with dialogue. That’s fair enough as he’s of Polish origin but it’s hard to take a leading man seriously when he mangles his lines and emphasises the wrong parts whilst waving his arms about as if in distress.

He has to accept all of the blame given that he wrote the script too. The plot would fit on the back of a stamp with trampy Lisa basically banging two blokes in turn whilst displaying a random character trait in each scene in which she appears. To be fair at one point someone describes her a pyscho, so if you accept that, at least some of the plot will make sense.

The film opens with Johnny (Tommy) buying Lisa a nice dress. They make love and talk of their upcoming wedding. In the next scene she tells Johnny’s friend Mark that Johnny is boring and they make love. Johnny then comes home having failed to land a promotion at the bank. They get drunk and make love. Mark then comes over to tell Lisa it’s over, they make love.

It’s essentially a soft core porn flick that seemingly cost $6m to make. They must have spent the money on footballs and pretzels because it’s certainly not on the screen. There are more bizarre moments and plot twists like a drug debt story that goes nowhere and several scenes of various characters throwing a football around for no discernible reason.

‘The Room’ is a strange title in itself and the word is never uttered in the film. To be fair they only have two rooms as sets, so it must refer to one of them. The one with the candles and the roses where the shagging takes place, is my guess. There may be some subtext that ‘the room’ is a psychological state or it refers to the walls of madness that close in on us all when we are betrayed by a skanky girlfriend. I doubt it’s that deep - in fact I’m certain, as this is just a bloated vanity project that allowed a weirdo to fulfil his dreams and get his buns on screen.

I’d say fair play to him - it’s very easy to pick holes, but it is an object lesson in how difficult it is to make a film and how many parts you need to get right. ‘The Room’ manages to get most of them wrong but it’s a fun ride and definitely worth seeing. The sex and fight scenes are the best but I also liked the flower shop ‘Hi doggie!’ and party sequences, which were laugh a minute.

I’d recommend that you read the book ‘The Disaster Artist’ first so that you can learn about the genesis of this important and memorable work - and so you can look out for all the cock ups.

Best Bit : Leave your stupid comments in your pocket! 60%

No.127 : The Voices (2014)

The Voices at the IMDb

The ubiquitous Ryan Reynolds stars as Jerry, a likeable chap who hears ’the voices’ and unfortunately, does ’the murders’

Jerry is a new recruit at a bathroom factory, a nice place to work where the uniforms are pink and the pizza is free. We get the sense early on that Jerry has a history as his job comes via a rehabilitation scheme. No one seems too bothered and Jerry gets put on a committee to arrange the works’ party.  At the first meeting he meets the lovely Fiona (Gemma Arterton) who reluctantly agrees to a date with Jerry before standing him up - huge mistake!

After a lonely Chinese dinner Jerry meets up with Fiona and her broken down car. She  accepts a lift  and things go OK until they hit a deer and Jerry puts it out of its misery with his handy huge knife, after having a conversation with it. Unsurprisingly Fiona makes a run for it before Jerry falls and plunges his knife into her belly - was it an accident or was it murder? We’re left uncertain - but not for long!

Back at his home - a converted out of town bowling alley - Jerry confides with his pets - a kindly dog called Bosco and a foul mouthed, Scottish accented, cat called Mr Whiskers. The cat is downright evil and tells Jerry to go back and get the body and cover his trail. Jerry doesn’t need much convincing and soon Fiona’s head is in Jerry’s fridge and her body decanted into dozens of Tupperware tubs.

We get to learn Jerry’s troubled backstory via flashbacks and visits to his psychotherapist and it’s pretty miserable stuff. Jerry gets persuaded to return to his meds and the voices stop and his home changes from its pristine, imagined state to a dank killer’s lair - which is really is. Fiona’s head also stops talking and becomes its true rotted self - time to bin the pills then!

With the cat’s encouragement Jerry takes up an over keen Anna Kendrick’s offer of a night out, and soon the fridge is getting busier, as the payroll department gets quieter. Can a happy ending be found for anyone in this grim, comedic tale?

This is an oddity of a film that I tried hard to like and despite some choice moments, it comes across as a tonal mess. It tries to be a dark comedy but the killings are all so brutal and terrifying for the victims it’s hard to sympathise with Jerry, despite his mitigating background.

The talking pets, voiced by Reynolds, are good fun but we are left in no doubt that it’s all Jerry as they go mute when he takes his pills. Gemma and Anna are both lovely and gamely play along with what must have been an objectionable script.

I did enjoy large parts of the film but any investment you build up is lost when Jerry goes homicidal. I’m all for a slasher pic but when it’s married with funny animals and pretty young women getting butchered it’s very jarring.

Reynolds does well in an increasingly random role but doesn’t really convince as a sane worker who can woo all the top totty yet live in a charnel house and talk to the animals. One co-worker says he’s a bit weird but that seemed like an afterthought. I guess they’d say he’s a classic schizophrenic - a bit like the film.

The whole enterprise is somewhat redeemed by a cracking end sequence with the reunited cast - and Jesus - singing a banging ‘Sing a Happy Song’. Again tonally this is all wrong but it’s great fun and the best end credits scene since ‘The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai’.

If you hear the voices telling you to watch this you’d do well to take their advice.


THE Tag Line : Sing a Happy Song - might cheer you up
Definite Rating : 60%

No.107 : The Undefeated (1969)

The Undefeated at the IMDb

 John Wayne and Rock Hudson star as two Civil War officers trying to adjust to peace. The film opens with Wayne leading a cavalry charge against a Confederate position. He wins the day with plenty of rebels killed by sword and gun. As they are clearing up a messenger arrives to tell Wayne that General Lee surrendered three days before. The Duke surveys the carnage and sees what a waste of life has just occurred. Damned internet - hurry up and be invented!

Wayne meets more Southerners who advise them they intend to fight on as they see the Union soldiers as trespassers. Wayne is thoroughly cheesed off and decides to resign his post and go and round up stray horses along with the remnants of his battalion.

Meanwhile Southern Officer Rock Hudson is counting the cost of defeat. His backing of the south has left him broke and he has to set free all his slaves. At least he gives one his watch to show he’s a stand up dude. Rather than surrender his house to carpet baggers he torches it and heads south to a new life in Mexico - and he’s taking the same route as John Wayne!

Wayne and his men are now out of uniform and have rounded up 3000 wild horses. He planned to sell them to the army but when he gets stiffed on the deal he agrees to sell them to the Mexicans instead. Wayne has an adopted Indian tracker son and he advises that he can see two sets of tracks ahead - one is Hudson’s group of men, women and children and the other some stinkin’ banditos. Wayne rides ahead to tell Hudson of the menace that is stalking them and, despite their differences, they join together to see off the threat.

After some mild peril the two groups get together and soon learn that they are not so different after all. Can this mixed group of lost souls bond and show America how to heal its wounds?

This was a decent western but it didn’t have nearly as much to say about the aftermath of the Civil War as I’d have thought. Given the set up I thought Wayne and Hudson would be at loggerheads from the off but after ten seconds of sizing each other up they were swigging bourbon like old pals. Of course the mutual respect for a fellow soldier is fair enough but without any conflict what was the point? There were minor scuffles down the cast list as old scores were settled but no one, apart from the Mexicans, were brutal or untrustworthy.

Wayne put in his standard ten gallon hat performance and you can’t criticise him for that. He did have some decent lines and I liked him bopping the corrupt army buyer on the nose “I ain’t done nothin’” / “Well ya should have done”. Hudson was less of a presence and generally just stood back and let Wayne do the heavy lifting. There were a few laughs sprinkled about with a fun ‘getting to know you’ punch up serving to clear the air and allow Wayne to do his rolled eyes when punched manoeuvre.

The locations were impressive as was the massive herd of horses which would have been a tough ask given the film pre-dates CGI. There were some decent gun fights but it was all PG blood free stuff. The healing and distrust was a bit overdone but every challenge was answered with virtue and goodwill and no doubt the film played as well in the south as in the north.

Personally I like my westerns a bit grittier than this and with more a story to tell, but it was undemanding and visually impressive stuff.

THE Tag Line  - Undefeated - Unless you watch ‘The Rounders’, ‘The Professionals’ ‘The Kentuckian’ and ‘The Bravados’.

60%

No.93 : The Disappeared (2008)

The Disappeared at the IMDb

Time for a nice uplifting British film now that deals with child abduction, murder and mental health. Oh and it’s set on a decaying council estate too - can’t forget that ray of sunshine!

We open as our hero Matthew is being discharged from a mental health facility. We learn that he suffered a breakdown when his 10 year old brother Tom went missing. No trace of the lad was ever found and this has placed a strain on Matthew’s relationship with his Dad. He moves back into the squalid council flat occupied by his Pop and hooks up with his friend Simon who is having time off from being Draco in the Harry Potter films. Simon is a tough guy who smokes and swears so watch out wizard lovers!

Matthew looks over old videotapes concerning his brother’s disappearance and hears the lad’s voice on one of the tapes. No one else can however and his ‘find’ is dismissed as a by product of his medication. Simon, who has clearly seen ‘White Noise’, tells him about dead people appearing on tapes and Matthew tries his hand at capturing the spirit world. Alas it’s more ‘Shite Noise’ than ‘White Noise’ as the local toughs smash up his cassette player.

Not to be put off Matthew also confides in Amy, a wet kind of girl who offers encouragement but little else. He also speaks to a local medium and to a vicar about his thoughts regarding Tom’s disappearance. There is also a worrying trend of people at windows and symbols appearing in slightly iffy CGI. We soon learn that the medium was actually a ‘well done’ as she died in a fire years before. Is Matthew nuts or are the lost sprits trying to lead him to a place where both they and he will find closure?

Other clues such as his brother’s watch showing up in his father’s effects add to the mystery and sense of unease and although hands seem to be reaching out to grab Matthew at every turn, a change in camera angle shows us there is nothing there. As we head to an underground lair can the spirits be put to rest and can Matthew escape the netherworld between reality and fantasy?

This was a decent horror/thriller done on a low budget but it wasn’t inventive or shocking enough to live long in the memory. The director did well to create and maintain a sense of unease throughout the film with simple lighting effects being enough to show that all was not well. The cast were all pretty good with Harry Treadaway doing well in an unsympathetic lead role. I can’t say I was ever rooting for Matthew but his balancing act between sane and insane was well realised.

There were a few surprises along the way such as the black suburban medium lifted straight out the ‘Matrix’ films. At times it wasn’t clear what was meant to be real or not but that was a no doubt deliberate attempt to unsettle the viewer. The conclusion was well handled but I can’t help think the bad guy would have been a little badder than he turned out to be - shallow grave indeed!

The final revelation wasn’t much of a surprise but certainly maintained the vibe of otherworldliness that had gone before. All in all this was a decent attempt at an urban ghost story but it lacked anything that would take it out of the ordinary.

THE Tag Line : This Town is Totally Dead!
60%

No.91 : The Oranges (2011)

The Oranges at the IMDb

Sorry fruit fans ; the title refers to the street in New Jersey where our characters live and most of the action takes place. Hold on though I’m pretty sure an apple and a banana make some uncredited appearances.

This romantic comedy isn’t demanding in the slightest and is almost more about manners and foibles in general than it is about any of the poorly sketched characters.

Our two principles are played by Hugh Laurie and Oliver Platt. Both are middle aged suburbanites with decaying marriages that they supplement with jogging and a fondness for gadgets. They socialise together with Laurie’s kids being Maybe Bluth off ‘Arrested Development’ and some lightweight drinker who is heading off to a trade mission to China. Platt has one daughter who is a free spirit living abroad with a surfer dude boyfriend.

The family don’t approve when she phones to says she’s engaged to the douche bag but no sooner than she hangs up the phone does she find him hanging out of some slapper. She returns to the family home for thanksgiving and the families are keen to pair her off with the trade delegate son. Alas he can’t hold his booze and when he passes out the strumpet heads over to Hugh’s man cave for some kissing action.

The next day the pair agree it was a mistake but soon end up kissing some more. Their plans are quickly undone when they are spotted by a nosey mother at a motel and they have to decide where to go from here. Hugh’s wife, the virgin deflowerer from ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’ moves out to a B&B and works things through with her choir and goat providing charity. Hugh has some awkward dates with his youthful love and the age gap becomes apparent when you get the usual scenes of ‘uh-oh maybe this wasn’t a good idea’. Speaking of Maybe she busies herself with doing the narration and little else.

Things come to a head over Christmas as the cheating boyfriend and the trade delegate show up leaving us with the quandary of who will end up with whom and whether they are all really happy .

This film could have been subtitles ‘First World Problems’ as a bunch of well to do yuppies bump uglies and work through issues. It was hard to care about any of them, even the wronged wife who just came across as a whiny moaner with a penchant for snowman murder.

Hugh Laurie played his usual self with no empathy on show. There was no obvious reason why he’s tear his life up for a skinnier version of Keira Knightly (if such as thing is possible!) especially as he and the girl had no chemistry whatsoever. Thankfully the bedroom action was kept to our imagination but there were quite a few kisses that went on a bit too long.

Oliver Platt was phoning his part in as the father of the slapper who liked gadgets. He did have some decent scenes but it was unclear why is daughter being a slut was a reason for the rebirth of his soul and libido. There were a couple of laughs with one discussion of Hugh Laurie’s aged balls the best.

I think this was a decent stab at a bit of whimsy with an indie soundtrack attempting to blare out cool credentials that the bouncer refused at the door. The intention may be to examine relationships and morays  but the result was just a lot of middle-aged people moaning a lot while the kids tried their best to keep up.

THE Tag Line - You Need to Work at Your Relationship (Film)
60%

No.20 : The Krays (1990)

The Krays at the IMDb

This bio-pic of the 1960 east London gangsters starts and ends poorly with some old bag wittering on about a swan but the bits in between are OK, in a British film sense.

The legendary gangsters, who were always good to their mutha and never hurt their own, are played in decent fashion by Spandau Ballet duo Gary and Martin Kemp. We open with the lads being born and having a tough upbringing in war time London. The boys’ Dad is a lazy draft dodger constantly on the run from the police in the shape of Blakey off ‘On the Buses’ and all they have is provided by Ma and the lady neighbours all of whom have high opinions of themselves.

The Kray household run by Billie Whitelaw who plays the matriarch who shapes the boys’ lives. After seeing how hard things can be they start up a life of crime after taking advice from Michael Elphick in military prison - never a good plan.

They start small with a run down club but pretty soon they are the biggest crew in town. Not all is rosy however as bi-sexual Ronnie is going a bit mental and soppy Reggie is getting married to an annoying woman who pouts a lot. They also face incursions into their territory by rival gangs and from within their own organisation in the shape of Tom Bell’s Jack ’The Hat’ McVitie.

When Reggie’s wife kills herself the pair decide to settle some scores committing two murders that spell the end of their empire. The film closes with their Mother’s funeral and the pair reunited for one last scowl and a few more lines about that god darn swan and its magic eggs.

I’d never seen this 1990 film before and only remembered the general slagging it got on release over the casting of the pretty boy leads. Despite some early reservations over a pile of clichés and pretentious chat I was won over by the sarf London setting and some pretty gruesome scenes.

The film hangs on the relationship of the twins and although it’s not fully explained why one is nice and the other mental they play well off each other and there is often an air of real evil about. Gary has the harder job as the gay mental one and to be honest he struggles a bit, doing a low menacing voice a bit too often to be convincing. He has a couple of awkward gay scenes and his annoyance by his brother’s marriage is conveyed with a lot of staring.

Martin is a bit better as Reggie although his character arc leaves his acting talent behind when the wife tops herself - presumably because she’d watched her own performance that far. The director obviously knew he had a tough task making the film with two pop stars in the lead roles so he wisely filled out the cast with every actor you’ve ever seen in a kitchen sink drama. Whitelaw has most of the big speeches, but doesn’t have the same menace she had in ‘The Omen’; more of a tiresome old bag a bit too fond of her own voice. Tom Bell also shows up but seems to be drunk most of the time while flailing about wildly.

It was also fun to see Stewpot of ‘Grange Hill’ in a bit part and Steven Berkoff too, doing his usual shouty performance before getting shot in the mole on his forehead - handy that!

The film tried hard to balance the glamour and the violence but to be honest it all seemed a bit of a wretched lifestyle. I thought it was a mistake ending things as soon as the murders took place and I could have done with some of the trial and lost half an hour of women talking about having it hard in the war.

The film is a decent enough effort but it does lack any sense of being something substantial. Basically they have it tough, they slash a few people and they get stuck in the nick for 30 years. A morality tale? A story about conditioning and maternal controls?, of the bond between brothers? Nah it’s a guy getting a sword in the face that you’ll remember.

THE Tag Line : Chant Number 6 out of 10 60%

No.8 : The Yakuza (1974)

The Yakuza at the IMDb

Hollywood big shot Robert Mitchum stars in this 1974 thriller which was directed by Sydney Pollack that seems to be somewhat forgotten despite the talent on show. According to IMDb the script cost a then record $300,000 and you’d have thought for that money you might have gotten something a bit more innovating and exciting but all in all it’s a pretty decent offering with a few juicy scraps.

Mitchum plays Harry Kilmer an American returning to Japan after a long time away. His friend, who has a bad wig, has asked him to help out, as his daughter has been kidnapped by the titular clan and is to be killed in 4 days. Mitchum has a bit of history in Japan and soon shows up at his old squeeze’s place and meets her foxy daughter.

Despite his strong line in chat and his no-nonsense camel hair coat Mitchum soon starts to encounter all the honour and obligation nonsense that always annoys you when you see a Japanese film. I’m all for a bit of culture clash but all this bowing and apologising can grate a bit.

Anyway, after negotiations fail Mitchum shows up all guns blazing and rescues the girl. Fortunately for him the Yakuza have to kill with swords so he’s a pretty good bet with his 12 bore! The Yakuza don’t take his interference lightly however and send an assassin to get him at the sauna, who fails miserably with his small fruit knife.

With the shit now hitting the fan at great speed the action hots up with an attack at the girlfriend's house shortly followed by another at the wig man’s. The big ending takes place at one of those paper houses and has more slashes than the urinals at Glastonbury. By now the aged Mitchum is looking a bit tired so he lets his pals do most of the work which he watches, resplendent in his duffel coat.

Like all ‘fish out of water ‘ films this one relies a lot on the difference in culture. Mitchum’s no nonsense approach gets short shrift with the inscrutable Japanese who are always going on about honour and then stabbing everyone in the back.

There’s not an awful lot of plot going on with Michum’s character not very believable - he's a kind of hat stand in a polo neck wooing all the girls and blasting a shotgun like it’s free cartridge day. The action scenes are pretty good and I especially liked the chopped off hand flying through the air while still firing a gun.

There were a couple of surprises along the way and given a body count of at least 20 there’s enough to keep the blood thirsty element appeased. There wasn’t really enough to engage me, but overall this routine thriller was a decent distraction with some memorable moments.

THE Tag Line : Need a Slash? We’ve Got Plenty! 60%