No.115 : The Conqueror (1956)

The Conqueror at the IMDb

 Some people may say that John Wayne lacked range, but whether he’s a pirate captain a gun fighter or, in this case, Genghis Khan he does a convincing job - well as long as the character needs an American drawl and a portly actor in the role.

Wayne plays Temujin, a Mongol chief who one day becomes Genghis. He'd better get a move on as he’s already 50 odd when the film starts! We learn that Wayne became chief after his Dad was poisoned and he’s out for revenge. He chances upon a caravan of travellers and, after eyeing up the sexy lady they are transporting, decides to go back and claim her for his wife. The lovely, played by Susan Heyward, is reluctant to get jiggy with Wayne, with his thin moustache the most likely reason.

After basically raping her Wayne sets out on various missions of revenge. The local warlords are a bunch of camp men with my favourite being Wang Khan who has a terrible soothsayer at his side. Wayne agrees an alliance to overthrow the resident bad guys who turn out to be the family of the woman Wayne is raping - the swine! Wayne catches a couple of arrows and is captured with his ‘wife’ running off, slagging him as she goes.

Big John suffers five minutes of torture and is due to be put to death, but who is that coming to him in the night with a big knife? Oh good it’s the wife no doubt ready to claim her revenge. But wait! She totally loves John and helps him escape - female emancipation this is not!

The film rumbles on with various betrayals from the tribesmen including Wayne’s brother. Eventually a big battle looms - will Wayne fulfil his destiny and escape the claw and will his wife break the Stockholm Syndrome and escape?

This is a real laugh fest that totally deserves its 3.2/10 on IMDb. It was produced by Howard Hughes but he’d have been better off trying to sell his bottled pee than this guff. For a start Wayne is totally miscast. He wears a variety of ridiculous outfits while reading off some cringeworthy dialogue. He must have been told that foreign folk talk like Yoda and he therefore does every scene like he’s reading his lines off the back of his hand.

He is a total dick of a character who lacks any empathy or charisma. This is the guy who is meant to take over most of the world but on this form he’d be lucky to get Old Kent Road at Monopoly. The sets are poor too with ‘The Gobi Desert’ looking a lot like the same valley where he shot most of his westerns.

The film runs a long two hours and there are large sequences of  dances and sing-alongs. It may have been meant to give us an idea of Mongol culture but I’d be surprised if they had sequined bras back in the olden days. Susan Heyward does OK in a shamefully written role but she was looking the most of her 39 years at the time of filming and I doubt nations would battle over this fading beauty.

All in all there was enough to qualify this as a ‘so bad its good’ with well known stars such as Lee Van Cleef showing up and raiding the dressing up box with no visible shame.

THE Tag Line : Genghis Can’t    40%

No.107 : The Undefeated (1969)

The Undefeated at the IMDb

 John Wayne and Rock Hudson star as two Civil War officers trying to adjust to peace. The film opens with Wayne leading a cavalry charge against a Confederate position. He wins the day with plenty of rebels killed by sword and gun. As they are clearing up a messenger arrives to tell Wayne that General Lee surrendered three days before. The Duke surveys the carnage and sees what a waste of life has just occurred. Damned internet - hurry up and be invented!

Wayne meets more Southerners who advise them they intend to fight on as they see the Union soldiers as trespassers. Wayne is thoroughly cheesed off and decides to resign his post and go and round up stray horses along with the remnants of his battalion.

Meanwhile Southern Officer Rock Hudson is counting the cost of defeat. His backing of the south has left him broke and he has to set free all his slaves. At least he gives one his watch to show he’s a stand up dude. Rather than surrender his house to carpet baggers he torches it and heads south to a new life in Mexico - and he’s taking the same route as John Wayne!

Wayne and his men are now out of uniform and have rounded up 3000 wild horses. He planned to sell them to the army but when he gets stiffed on the deal he agrees to sell them to the Mexicans instead. Wayne has an adopted Indian tracker son and he advises that he can see two sets of tracks ahead - one is Hudson’s group of men, women and children and the other some stinkin’ banditos. Wayne rides ahead to tell Hudson of the menace that is stalking them and, despite their differences, they join together to see off the threat.

After some mild peril the two groups get together and soon learn that they are not so different after all. Can this mixed group of lost souls bond and show America how to heal its wounds?

This was a decent western but it didn’t have nearly as much to say about the aftermath of the Civil War as I’d have thought. Given the set up I thought Wayne and Hudson would be at loggerheads from the off but after ten seconds of sizing each other up they were swigging bourbon like old pals. Of course the mutual respect for a fellow soldier is fair enough but without any conflict what was the point? There were minor scuffles down the cast list as old scores were settled but no one, apart from the Mexicans, were brutal or untrustworthy.

Wayne put in his standard ten gallon hat performance and you can’t criticise him for that. He did have some decent lines and I liked him bopping the corrupt army buyer on the nose “I ain’t done nothin’” / “Well ya should have done”. Hudson was less of a presence and generally just stood back and let Wayne do the heavy lifting. There were a few laughs sprinkled about with a fun ‘getting to know you’ punch up serving to clear the air and allow Wayne to do his rolled eyes when punched manoeuvre.

The locations were impressive as was the massive herd of horses which would have been a tough ask given the film pre-dates CGI. There were some decent gun fights but it was all PG blood free stuff. The healing and distrust was a bit overdone but every challenge was answered with virtue and goodwill and no doubt the film played as well in the south as in the north.

Personally I like my westerns a bit grittier than this and with more a story to tell, but it was undemanding and visually impressive stuff.

THE Tag Line  - Undefeated - Unless you watch ‘The Rounders’, ‘The Professionals’ ‘The Kentuckian’ and ‘The Bravados’.

60%

No.40 : The Shootist (1976)

The Shootist at the IMDb

This turned out to be John Wayne’s last film and fittingly he plays an aged gun slinger trying to live out his last days as the old west gives way to new fangled inventions and values.

Wayne plays JB Brooks a notorious killing machine who returns home to Carson City for a check up at Jimmy Stewart’s medical practice. After checking his trap door a grim diagnosis is given - he has cancer and a matter of days to live. After being given a bottle of dope by the Doc, Wayne heads off for some digs and manages to find a bed at Lauren Bacall’s B&B.

Becall is your stereotyped western widow with lots of huffing and disapproval of our man’s antics and language. She has an impressionable son in the shape of Ron Howard and quickly worries that the boy’s idolisation of Wayne can’t lead to anything good. Despite of his hopes of lying low, Wayne’s presence hasn’t gone unnoticed and pretty soon every man and his dog is at the door trying to turn a buck off his notoriety.

After booting out a newspaper man and biographer Wayne soon sorts out other conmen in the shape of the undertaker and Scatman Crothers’ horse trader. He realises that other less soft people may be on their way to settle some old scores and readies himself for one last show down. After shooting two night time assassins and wrecking the guest house, all of Becall’s other tenants move out leaving our happy trio a few days together before the inevitable blood bath. As the brigands descend on the town will Wayne get his wish of a quiet death or will he go down all guns blazing?

Most of what I’d heard about this film wasn’t true - Wayne didn’t have cancer throughout shooting (he did die of cancer 3 years later) and the film wasn’t specifically written for him as a swan song to a career in westerns - he was seemingly fifth choice for the lead. This misinformation sits well with the film however which deals with the difference between the legend and the man. Despite the locals all living in fear of Wayne, he is in reality a scared old man waiting to die.

The film opens in black and white with clips of old Wayne films showing him (and his character here) as a young man before dissolving into colour for the present day. The sets are well done with things like the horse drawn trolley car a good indicator that the wild west days are falling away. The film is set in the week following the death of Queen Victoria in 1901 and the ‘end of an era’ feel permeates throughout.

Wayne has never been a favourite of mine but he does well in this role, showing just enough humility beneath his gruff exterior. It was fun to see him paired up with James Stewart although the latter’s performance is little more than a cameo followed by a wordless appearance at the end. Becall is good value as the spirited widow although I didn’t really buy the transformation in her affections for the potty mouthed hell raiser.

Ron Howard was OK as the impressionable lad although you are still thinking ‘Happy Days’ throughout. He didn’t ring true when he was swigging the booze but when he was doing his ‘can I mister, can I?’ routine he was fine. Of the bit parts John Carradine hammed it up big style as the undertaker and Scatman was good fun as the horse trader with an early eye for celebrity memorabilia.

The film runs a pretty straight narrative and there are no real surprises. It is good fun however and great to see some genuine Hollywood legends strut their stuff for one last time. The gun play and action is a bit low key but the characters are great and it’s well worth shooting down the DVD shop for. Or just download it - I don’t care.

THE Tag Line : Bang, Bang - I’m Dead 75%