Saturday, 8 May 2010

No.31 : The Crop



We’re having a short season of Aussie films that are definite articles, have four letters in that definite article and they begin with ‘C’. As you may guess this will be a slightly short season and certainly one with variable quality.

We open with ‘The Crop’ which seems to be a bit of a mystery title, well it is if you use the IMDb for your information. ‘The Crop’ is listed as a futuristic film about a man in a car crash. I must of missed that bit as ‘The Crop’ I saw, which has the same cast, is about a lot of Aussie slobs growing dope. The other film described sounds like far more fun that this pile of crap however.

That said ‘The Crop’ sounds OK from the synopsis point of view, with it having the simple story of a strip club owner trying to get out of debt by growing drugs. I think I can spot the reason for his woes from the off however, as he appears to run the only strip joint on the planet that has a full live band and strippers who seem reluctant to take their tops off. Well ‘Blues Brothers 2000’ had the same idea but that got burnt down by the Russians for being shit. The club, not the film.

When you have a strip club owner / drug dealer as your protagonist you’d think that the producers would seek out a sympathetic and likable lead. It seems strange therefore that they went for an unlikable fat tit instead. Our man has troubles with his tit free titty bar and has the strange moral compunction to let his girls keep their pants on while his rivals go for the full value show.

Added to his troubles are a needy girlfriend and a pair of dozy stereotyped cops on the take. As a means to get out of his financial hole our hero decides to rent a remote farm and grow drugs. So far so morally wrong but let’s go with it, it might be fun with a few lessons learned along the way. Sadly, no. The drugs are seized by bent coppers as soon as they are grown and our man’s partner in crime is nicked. Strangely the cops let the drugs be stolen back and there is an endless chain of events while the drugs are intercepted, treated, stolen, sold etc. etc. We are left to wonder if our sleazy hero will get the cash to save him from the cops and loan sharks or will he get his just desserts in the form of 20 years hard labour.


This is a really terrible film with nothing to redeem it at all. It’s billed as a comedy but there are no laughs at all, as a bunch of nasty characters scrabble about in the dirt for a few bucks. The script is totally witless with the character bypassed lead with the unfeasible pretty girlfriend the least likable front man you’ll ever see. I don’t know if we’re meant to be cheering him on, but I for one was hoping the shot gun blast had taken his head off rather than predictably sprayed him with ketchup.

To flesh out the running time a couple of sub plots are thrown in involving stoners and someone else’s clingy girlfriend - laugh? You never will. The production seemed reasonably well financed with a half decent car crash near the end, but when you can see the stage hands pushing the kangaroo on set you know you aren’t dealing with the next Spielberg here.


I know I come across as a bit moral here and to be honest I don’t like drugs or films that make them seem like comedy currency. I’m not a total wet blanket and enjoy films like the Harold and Kumar adventures, but what they did was make drugs seem ridiculous and funny. This film makes them out to be an economic escape route and totally unfunny. A nasty, negative piece of rubbish that you’d need a pound of reefer to stay the course with. Man.

THE Tag Line : The Crap Is A Failed Harvest 23%

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