No.78 : The Rounders (1965)

The Rounders at the IMDb

Gentle cow poke action now as we check out this proto ‘Brokeback Mountain’.

Henry Fonda and Glenn Ford play a couple of ageing cowboy in what would have been the present day when this was made in 1965. The pair work at breaking wild horses and regularly have to postpone their plans and dreams as they inevitably piss away their earning at the saloon or on the ladies.

After breaking a couple of troublesome steeds, ranch owner Jim Love offers them a deal to round up any stray steers or horses for a tempting $7 a head. The guys agree and, after stopping in on their hooch supplier, head off to the hills to their romantic cabin.

The round up goes well and, despite a couple of mild run ins with other cowboys, their prospects look good. They have however rounded up all the fat and lazy strays and will need a fast horse to be able to rope all the lean and quick nags that remain. They have such a horse but it can’t be broken despite their repeated attempts. Winter passes in due course and although their Christmas party is ruined by a drunk horse they are soon ready to claim their cash.

The make a seemingly hefty $700 but as they head into town they have a brainwave - why fritter their cash as always? Why not risk it is a gambling scheme involving their wild horse? Along they way they pick up a couple of stranded strippers (the best kind!) and the plan is set. Will they find happiness or at least keep their cash and will the horse that has blighted their lives save the day?

I didn’t have this film down as a comedy at first as all the ‘laughs’ seemed to be people falling off horses, again and again. It does however gather pace and towards the end it’s like ‘Blazing Saddles’ with a big saloon fight and slide whistle bottom exposures.

The two leads work well together but there is no suggestion that they are in anyway attracted to each other and indeed woman are slotted in occasionally to remind you that these are red blooded men, albeit in double denim. Down the cast there are a lot of character actors mugging away for all they are worth and although not full of laughs, the film does have a good nature and no threat element whatsoever.

The direction is OK but I could have down with out the repeated sharp cuts of various people falling off the same horse - I know it’s a buckin’ horse but they don’t have to show it so buckin’ often! The Arizona locations are great and you do get a sense of the freedom that keeps drawing the cow pokes away to the hills year after year.

There is no attempt to layer the film with any sense of commentary on the nature of man or freedom; it’s more interested in plenty of pratfalls and a brief flash of bum that gets an over prominent showing on the poster above.

At less than 90 minutes the film isn’t asking for much of your time and even less of your analytical skills. It’s gentle feel good fun and a film that I enjoyed without feeling moved or asked to understand any concept or commentary.

THE Tag Line : Well Rounded - and that’s just the bums!   73%

No.71 : The Swarm (1978)

The Swarm at IMDb

The 1970s saw a spate of disaster movies, but none can be more disastrous than ‘The Swarm’.

Producer Irwin Allen attempted to use his tried and tested formula of having a heap of famous faces running around and getting killed but sadly he got stung on this outing.

The film opens with a special forces unit advancing on an underground base. The first five minutes is a dialogue free as the tension is ratcheted up - what will they find? Eventually they descend to find, as you’d expect, bodies everywhere. The cause is unclear but soon Michael Caine resplendent in green turtle neck and safari suit falls out a cupboard and offers some much needed exposition.

Cain plays Brad an entomologist who was tracking some bees and decided to have a look in case they visited the secret base. Of course they did but that didn’t explain how Caine could Waltz in while the special forces team had to use Ids and key codes.

Blustery General Richard Widmark splutters in disbelief but soon the president has given Caine a free pass to combat the threat. He calls in reinforcements in the shape of ‘bad boy’ bee man Richard Chamberlain and Katharine Ross who inexplicably falls for Caine and his turtle neck.

Hopefully things will not escalate, but wait! The local town is having a flower festival just as the bees move in! After an initial skirmish were a family get stung to death the surviving boy plots his revenge with petrol bombs - HUGE mistake. The pissed off bees immediately head to the flower festival to sting the crap out of anyone they find - and their stings are the slow motion kind - surely the worst of all?

After a laughable attack on a toy train set, that sees the deaths of both Fred MacMurray and Olivia de Havilland, Michael deploys his poison pellets. Widmark’s plan to gas the lot was shouted down by Caine who gave a triumphant speech in praise of the good old American bee. But alas the bees are too smart to eat the poison - they prefer poignant lollypops held by vunerable kiddies.

Back at base, Henry Fonda the crippled poisons guru, is injecting himself with venom to try and discover an antidote - better watch out or laughable bee hallucinations will bee coming your way! With the swarm heading to a nuclear plant and then onto Houston how many more deaths will Caine’s vidi-printer report before they realise a big pot of jam would solve the problem just fine?

This is a truly dreadful film with performances and dialogue that have to be seen to be believed. The bee attack effects are OK in close up but apart from that the model work and slow motion deaths are the worst you will see.

The main culprit is Caine, who although just in it for the paycheque, is never worse than the quick to anger but still loveable bee specialist who has a taste for sunflower seeds. Next up is Fonda who was shameful as the crippled Doc who takes the venom to save the day. If they were playing for laughs it’d have been no less believable.

Down the cast we get Katharine Ross who despite being high up in the military goes all girly for Caine and his orange van. Also good for a chortle is Dr Kildare who keeps a straight face while asking a nuclear power station manager “Have you made any provision against an attack of killer bees?”.

I know this review may make it sound like a bit of fun but beware it’s two and a half hours of cringe making shite that I had to watch in chunks, lest I go and stick my head in a beehive myself.

Best Bit : “Those are my poison pellets goddamn it ” 31%