No.28 : The Saint (1997)

The Saint at the IMDb

Val Kilmer tries to fill Ian Ogilvy’s big shoes in this 1997 spy thriller which was directed by ‘Clear and Present Danger’ helmer Phillip Noyce.

We open in a Far East orphanage “yesterday" where the proto-saint is having a hard time with an Oirish priest and a group of fellow orphans, who look like they’ve just been given a half day off stage school. Our man is a rebel from the off and soon is at odds with the priest - probably had a chastity belt on or something. He shows signs of his reckless side and after a booty call on his young love tragedy strikes which sets the course for our man’s life.

We jump forward to “today” and meet the grown up Saint in the shape of Val Kilmer on a robbery. We learn that he is a master of disguise and accents, as long as the disguise and accent is that of Val Kilmer. He manages to escape with the loot and in the process makes an enemy of a mafia boss’s son and makes himself a target of the mob.

The mob are however impressed and use some early email to enlist The Saint’s help in securing some cold fusion technology being developed by unfeasibly young and blonde scientist Elisabeth Shue. The mob do however vow to bump Val off once they have the goods - like any other possibility would ever be considered.

Val descends on England and gets Elisabeth down to her bra in nothing flat before scampering off with the formula. The mob are however unimpressed as they can't make the formula work and therefore set off a gang of hired goons to kill Val and kidnap Lizzy. The two get over the awkward ‘humped and dumped’ situation pretty quickly and are soon tearing through the streets of Moscow with the bad guys in pursuit. Can Val change his ways? Will the mob utilise the discovery to start a revolution? And will Elisabeth’s heart condition and Val’s childhood loss be forgotten in a hasty re-edit? - that last one for sure.

I actually enjoyed this film despite misgivings going into it. I remember on release it got terrible reviews and most focused on what a tit Val Kilmer was in real life. It’s a bit of a shame really as the film is a clear forerunner to the Bourne franchise with real violence and workable gadgets rather than the James Bond fantasies which were running at the same time.

The film hangs on Kilmer’s performance and I thought he was pretty good. At points when he was doing his Aussie accent or when he was dressed up as on old hag it got pretty close to farce but overall I think he pulled it off. His goofy professor character was a bit too much but overall the make up and his mannerisms won me over. His motivations were a bit weak with his ambition to make $50 million and then retire never really followed through. His romance with Shue didn’t totally convince but that was more down to her, with her brilliant scientist a giggly school girl in his presence.

The action scenes were well realised although largely low key. There’s no Bond style destruction here but the authentic locations and the odd explosion managed to keep my interest. The film does start to taper off towards the climax with the baddies public lab experiment perhaps the weediest incitement to revolution that you’ll ever see - why did they just not plug it in?

The bad guys are your usual clan of gangsters and bent army men but I did like the gangster’s son with the metal headed stick who managed to hold his own with the Saint in their kicking contests. He gets horribly burned near the end and it looked like his real resolution was cut out for a dull arrest instead.

The original Saint got barely a look in with only a Saint logo badge and Roger Moore on the radio stuffed in at the end to make it anything to do with the source material. The fast pace and elements of danger were well done and although it skirted the ridiculous a few times it stayed just this side of credible. I liked the film and it’s a shame it never made it as a franchise.

THE Tag Line : Saint Not As Bad As You've Heard 69%

No.27 : The Rebound (2009)

The Rebound at the IMDb

The second phase of the definite movie review (did you spot the linking device, did you?) opens with this decent if slightly empty age gap rom-com.

It stars Catherine Zeta-Jones, who has her own experience of age gaps affairs although she’s usually the younger one of the pairing. In this she’s a supposed ‘MILF’ who leaves her husband when he inadvertently videos himself getting some ‘special attention’ at their son’s birthday party, while Catherine does to Tina Turner what Ike always tried to.

She moves to New York with her two sassy kids and rents the kind of apartment that can only be found by struggling single moms when they are lucky enough to be appearing in a Hollywood movie. She bumps into romantic interest Aram who is played by the annoying side kick guy off the ‘National Treasure’ movies at the coffee shop where he works.

Aram is on the rebound himself as he’s just been dumped by his French wife who used him to get a green card. Sparks don’t fly at first but when he’s employed as the attack dummy at her female defence class the pair start to click. Initially the relationship is employer/babysitter buts after a few disasterous dates Catherine decides to take a chance on the smitten youth.

Meanwhile, her implausible love of sports statistics see her get a job at a sports TV station and as love blossoms so does her confidence and pretty soon she’s looking to grab a presenting job. As you’d expect trouble looms on the horizon on various fronts from his pushy parents, to her domineering ex-husband to his French wife who is keen to get back together as she is in danger of being deported.

After a few predictable bumps in the road we have to wonder how the pair are going to get back together, because you can bet your bottom dollar they will. And they do.

Although it runs to a predictable three act formula this is a likable film with a few genuine laughs to raise its average along the way. The central pairing are a good match and it doesn’t look like there is 15 years between them - maybe because in reality there are barely nine. Zeta-Jones looks great and certainly fills the sexy older women credentials in her tight tops and black lingerie. Justin Bartha as Aram is a bit wet and his 'too wounded to love' act is a bit annoying, but he works well with the kids and holds his end up pretty well.

The best parts of the film mostly involve the second string with Art Garfunkel doing a great turn as Aram’s inappropriate comment spewing Dad. I also liked the female defence instructor with her un-pc remarks - especially when one woman said ‘but I’m a lesbian’ and she deadpans ‘See me after class’.

As regular movie watchers will testify the path of movie love never runs true and of course hiccups were planted about an hour in. We were never in any doubt that the pair would meet again but Aram’s quest to find himself was a bit barf inducing especially when he was feeding the starving in Africa - can’t he just go out and get drunk with his pals like everyone else.

There were a few edgy laughs and a couple of F-bombs that seemed a bit out of place, almost like they were trying for a ‘15’ certificate to get a more hardcore audience. That’ll work! I did like the date scenes especially the man who went for a dump in a street side cubicle and kept the conversation going before trying to hand feed the Welsh beauty with his unwashed hands. Lovely highbrow stuff always works with me.

If you owe your other half a romantic movie you could do worse than ‘The Rebound’ which has a couple of things to say about relationships but plenty more about going to the toilet and wearing a black bra.


THE Tag Line : Rebound is Mostly Sound 65%

No.26 : The Quest (1996)

The Quest at the IMDb

Jean Claude Van Damme stars in this total mess of a movie which is pretty close to almost everything else he’s ever done, most noticeably ‘Bloodsport’.

The film opens with an old man shuffling into a bar and ordering one of those coffees that all bars have ready poured in the cup from under the counter. We can’t see the old man’s face but when three toughs storm in and demand the takings we learn that he is in fact an aged Van Damme wearing more make up than the Boots No.5 counter. He predictably kicks ass and we then get drawn into his rather dull life story.

We go back to Tibet in 1925 where a gang of monks are for some reason sending invites to all the best fighters of the world to their big tournament. Their motivations are unclear, and it can’t be for the pay for view rights, but there is a massive solid gold dragon up for grabs. Van Damme isn’t on the guess list however as he’s dressed up a clown and fighting the mob and the police on the streets on a New York street that looks suspiciously like the far east where the rest of the film was shot. At least they splashed out on some police uniforms to sell the deception!

Jean Claude has to get out of town in a hurry as all his enemies close in and manages to stow away on a ship heading east. This turns out to be a gun running ship and our man is up for the chop when he is saved by Roger Moore’s buccaneer captain who takes him under his wing. But wait! Roger is a dodger and he sells Van Damme to an oriental fighting school. We then move on six months to the same set now labelled ‘Bangkok’ where a ballsy lady journalist persuades Roger to take her to an underground fight club. Guess who’s the star attraction? Go on two goes…

Van Damme tells Roger of the big fight contest and they resolve to go along to get the golden dragon by whatever means possible. Van Damme still isn’t invited but they manage to hook up with James Remar’s boxing champion and gate crash the event. With everyone now in place the contest of national stereotypes begins - can Claude fight his way to glory and riches or will the sneaky Roger steal the big prize. Before we know it we’re back in the bar with the old man having us wishing we hadn’t bothered!

This is a really awful film even in the generally crappy genre of martial arts movies. Despite being unable to act Van Damme also directs and co-writes and it’s pretty clear that he can do neither of these as well. The plot is so derivative of ‘Blood Sport’ that it’s not true, right down to the sassy lady journalist and the tournament format that sees all the eclectic styles of fighting represented and beaten by the good old face kick.

It’s pretty clear that New York, Tibet, Bangkok and The Forbidden City are all within five minutes of each other but you could forgive this if so little effort was made in disguising the fact - caption cards aren’t sufficient! The fights were very uninspiring and almost every bout followed the same format of one guy getting the first few blows in before being bested. The competitors were ridiculous with a kilt wearing Scot and a pointed hatted German all doing battle. As always there is a ‘baddie’ competitor, in this case the Mongolian who’s nationality was presumably chosen to reflect the lack of video recorders in that part of the world.

Roger Moore was totally unconvincing as the swash buckling adventurer and it’s no surprise that this ranks as his least favourite of his own films - no ‘Bullseye!’ is this! James Remar does OK in this, his second definite outing in a row following his second banana turn in ‘The Phantom’, but why he turns his back on the riches to support Van Damage isn't made clear. Most of the acting comment must be reserved for Van Damme who is as wooden and unconvincing as you’d probably expect. You could say that this is a man who knows his limits and sticks to them but that’s hardly an excuse for foisting this sub-par nonsense upon us.

THE Tag Line : Quest Ain’t The Best 34%

No.25 : The Phantom (1996)

The Phantom at the IMDb

The 1930’s must have been a tough time for criminals with a taste for antiquities, what with Indiana Jones, The Shadow (see No. 2) and now ‘The Phantom’. It's probably got something to do with the innocence of the time before the second world war, or perhaps the new technologies which meant that inter continental travel was possible. Personally I think the studios had a pile of spats that they needed to use up.

This tale opens on the highs seas with a big fight between some sailors and a gang of pirates. After seeing his Dad killed a young lad manages to escape overboard and is washed up on a remote island into the hands of some savages. Rather than stick him in the pot they train him up to be a crime fighter who wears a purple body stocking, as you do.

We fast forward to the present of the 1930’s and meet up with a scum bag gang of tomb raiders. We know they are bad as they cuss a lot and treat their child guide badly, but effectively they only do what Indiana does only with less style and budget. After finally realising their quest for a jewelled skull they encounter The Phantom and see him off rather easily.

Back in New York media mogul Drax is happy with his new treasure. Legend has it that once the skull is teamed up with its two compadres the bearer will become really tough and the Phantom can’t have that. After taking some guidance from his dead Dad, Patrick ‘The Prisoner’ McGoohan and stabling his frankly useless horse and wolf sidekicks The Phantom heads to the familiar streets of New York where the crime fighters are ten deep on Sixth Avenue.

The second skull is quickly sourced and these two handily point the way to the third on a big map conveniently located on the wall. As the baddies head off on their seaplane with The Phantom’s squeeze as a hostage our hero hitches a ride to the big set where their showdown will take place. Will the skulls be reunited? and can The Phantom save his girl and continue the line of masked adventurers that stretches back 400 years? Possibly not as there hasn’t been a sequel in 14 years…

I quite enjoyed this campy, derivative nonsense. ‘The Phantom’ clearly has his origins in the Saturday morning matinees and a lot of his baggage doesn’t really translate well into a modern film. He is a bit of a Bruce Wayne but without the gadgets and know how. He gets regularly bested in fights and although that may be to emphasise his vulnerability it just comes across as him being a bit rubbish. He has a faithful wolf and horse, both of which look so trained up that you half expect them to stop for a treat after every party piece.

The Phantom’s main power is that of the fear he puts amongst his enemies given his appaenent ghost like powers of being 400 years old. I know times are simpler but surely someone would’ve suggested it’s different men in the same suit?

Billy Zane is clearly having fun in the lead but suffers from the eternal dual identity problem of sounding exactly the same as his alter ego. At one point the leaves his taxi in his civvies and returns in his Phantom suit to the confusion of his cabbie. ‘Why the Halloween suit’ would’ve seemed a more likely reply.

Down the cast you get Treat Williams as the Howard Hughes like Drax, who clearly has lesser ambitions before his space station project can get off the ground. He does have an overly elaborate line in microscopes and his inevitable demise is a bit low key given what has gone before. The film also sees an early role for Catherine Zeta-Jones who plays a bitchy ball breaker. Her character arc is poorly defined but there seems to more than a bit of a lesbian motivation to her turn around - that plot I could have seen developed!

The film has pretty good production values and some cracking locations. It does look like the budget was blown prior to the big showdown which seems to take place in a ropey pirate themed restaurant. The film does however not take itself too seriously and although undemanding it is pretty good fun and certainly better than ‘The Shadow’. 58%

THE Tag Line : Better than ‘The Shadow’

No.24 : The Offence (1973)

The Offence at the IMDb

What’s that? You want a grim 1973 talk fest with beatings and shouting aplenty? Well I think we can accommodate you there…

‘The Offence’ stars Sean Connery in a role that screams ’I’m not James Bond’. He plays Johnston a jaded British detective who has seen one nonce too many. The film opens with a blurry shot of the moustachioed Sean standing over a room full of decked coppers. What follows is a series of scenes that explain how we got there. The narrative isn’t always linear and we get lots of jumps throughout the time line and into Johnston’s past.

The police are on the trail of a kiddie fiddler who has struck twice already. After a failed stake out they are angry to learn that he’s struck a third time but at least now they have a witness. They get their man in the shape of Ian Bannen but although he was in the area and is covered in mud they still need a confession - no DNA profiling or CCTV to nail the case here, CSI followers.

After a few abortive interviews Johnston is left alone with the suspect and things predictably kick off. We don’t immediately learn what went down but we know Johnston has given the nonce a kicking and he’s sent home by his bosses. We follow Johnston home and witness an interminable half hour argument with his wife before he’s mercifully hauled back to the station after learning that the suspect has died following the ‘interrogation’.

Johnston gets a grilling from a Chief Inspector and we slowly learn that he’s snapped after attending one too many gruesome crime scenes. As he breaks down we get to see his confrontation with the suspect and things eventually swing back to the opening scene where we understand how Johnston got to be in this position.

This is another film where it’s origins on the stage are painfully obvious. Basically for your money you get Sean shouting and overacting to his wife, the Chief and the nonce. These all last for about 30 minutes and although some may see it as a powerful acting performance and a man’s soul being laid bare I saw it as all a bit dull.

Connery is always good value but his dialogue didn’t ring true and the verbal sparring often came across as clever writing rather than believable exchanges. His attempts to distance himself from Bond amounted to growing a moustache and wearing a sheepskin coat and frankly he shouldn’t have bothered - what you’d give for a witty one liner or fancy gadget in the midst of this depressing onslaught.

It was a good idea to move the narrative about and it did serve to keep your interest but I wasn’t convinced about the disintegration of Connery’s character and he seemed to go from hard nut to simpering baby in nothing flat.

I did like Ian Bannen as the smug suspect, and he’s obviously the main acting talent on show, but he didn’t quite have the menace and antagonizing qualities needed to render Connery’s character shift believable. The wife scene occupies the middle third of the film and it was hard to avoid the FF button when the moany mare went over Sean’s shortcoming from the comfort of her dressing gown once gain. She certainly didn’t have the look of a woman who could catch James Bond and looked more like a rejected Mrs Overall.

The film seems to have garnered some critical praise but some people butter up anything with edgy subject matter and a lot of shouting. For me it was a depressing experience and one I’d avoid like Ian Bannen in a playground.

THE Tag Line : No Defence For The Offence 54%

No.23 : The Net (1995)

The Net at the IMDb

In 1995 I thought the internet was a fishermen’s conference and hotmail was some kind of letter bomb, so it’s hard to be harsh on ‘The Net’ which has dated badly but must have seemed a cautionary tale when released.

Sandra Bullock plays an unlikely stay at home computer programmer. She orders pizzas off the net and talks to anonymous web friends rather than go out on dates. She shares viruses with her chums but her life falls apart when she gets sent one that enables the user to control any system on the internet.

Her net pal agrees to fly down to see her, but when his navigation system gets hacked he gets fried. Sandra meanwhile, thinking she’s been stood up, heads off on a trip to Mexico where she meets Jeremy Northam who seems like a tit from the off. Sandra is however impressed by his hard drive and soon they’re bumping uglies. But wait! We’ve seen him root through her bag for her copy of the ‘Mozart’s Ghost’ programme which may well take over the world.

After finding out about the nefarious schemes of her lover Sandra escapes only to crash the getaway dingy knocking herself unconscious. As you’d expect she wakes up in a convent full of nuns who don't even bother to question her over the computer discs and her captor’s fat wallet that she's clinging on to. Sandra knows things are awry however when she learns form the US embassy that her name has been changed on her drivers’ licence. Things get worse back home when she learns that her identity has been erased and she’s been granted a new skanky one complete with prostitution convictions.

Using the only friend she can trust (and discard) Sandra, sorry Ruth..er Angela? Starts to fight back using the only weapon she knows - yes computers. That’s right they can be used for good as well as evil. Got that, it’s a lesson in not trusting technology but for utilising it for your own means. A bit like the bad guy did, only nicer.

I never saw this film on release but having now done so I’m sure I’d still have found it a bit far fetched. As in all compuer films any problem can be solved in a couple of key strokes whereas in real life the bad guy would close in and you’d realise that everything you’ve written is in CAPS LOCK.

The film opens with a few clumsy pointers that we are getting too reliant on computers. Sandra has a lonely life watching her screens with her food downloaded and even the FedEx man wielding his scanner like a light sabre. It doesn’t take long for things to be torn down and it’s pretty clear where Sandra’s character arc is going to take her.

I wasn’t totally convinced by her programming talk and she types even more slowly than me! She does however look good in a bikini so I’m glad she got the role over some fat real life computer nerd. Jeremy Northam, who later starts in his own cyber thriller ‘Cypher’ is a pretty weak bad guy and has no real menace. His angry rages come across as hissy fits and he is at least Sandra’s equal when it comes to computer skills.

The paranoia element of the big brother system controlling our lives was better realised in films like ‘Enemy of the State’ and even ‘Die hard 4.0’ but you have to remember that this was made when an Atari 2600 was seen as space age technology.

The web-fu on show was OK and probably science fiction at the time. Some elements like the hackers FedExing each other floppy discs certainly date the film but as a historical oddity it’s quite good fun although the promised elements of danger and excitement are never really realised.

THE Tag Line : Net Deficit 62%