No.26 : The Quest (1996)

The Quest at the IMDb

Jean Claude Van Damme stars in this total mess of a movie which is pretty close to almost everything else he’s ever done, most noticeably ‘Bloodsport’.

The film opens with an old man shuffling into a bar and ordering one of those coffees that all bars have ready poured in the cup from under the counter. We can’t see the old man’s face but when three toughs storm in and demand the takings we learn that he is in fact an aged Van Damme wearing more make up than the Boots No.5 counter. He predictably kicks ass and we then get drawn into his rather dull life story.

We go back to Tibet in 1925 where a gang of monks are for some reason sending invites to all the best fighters of the world to their big tournament. Their motivations are unclear, and it can’t be for the pay for view rights, but there is a massive solid gold dragon up for grabs. Van Damme isn’t on the guess list however as he’s dressed up a clown and fighting the mob and the police on the streets on a New York street that looks suspiciously like the far east where the rest of the film was shot. At least they splashed out on some police uniforms to sell the deception!

Jean Claude has to get out of town in a hurry as all his enemies close in and manages to stow away on a ship heading east. This turns out to be a gun running ship and our man is up for the chop when he is saved by Roger Moore’s buccaneer captain who takes him under his wing. But wait! Roger is a dodger and he sells Van Damme to an oriental fighting school. We then move on six months to the same set now labelled ‘Bangkok’ where a ballsy lady journalist persuades Roger to take her to an underground fight club. Guess who’s the star attraction? Go on two goes…

Van Damme tells Roger of the big fight contest and they resolve to go along to get the golden dragon by whatever means possible. Van Damme still isn’t invited but they manage to hook up with James Remar’s boxing champion and gate crash the event. With everyone now in place the contest of national stereotypes begins - can Claude fight his way to glory and riches or will the sneaky Roger steal the big prize. Before we know it we’re back in the bar with the old man having us wishing we hadn’t bothered!

This is a really awful film even in the generally crappy genre of martial arts movies. Despite being unable to act Van Damme also directs and co-writes and it’s pretty clear that he can do neither of these as well. The plot is so derivative of ‘Blood Sport’ that it’s not true, right down to the sassy lady journalist and the tournament format that sees all the eclectic styles of fighting represented and beaten by the good old face kick.

It’s pretty clear that New York, Tibet, Bangkok and The Forbidden City are all within five minutes of each other but you could forgive this if so little effort was made in disguising the fact - caption cards aren’t sufficient! The fights were very uninspiring and almost every bout followed the same format of one guy getting the first few blows in before being bested. The competitors were ridiculous with a kilt wearing Scot and a pointed hatted German all doing battle. As always there is a ‘baddie’ competitor, in this case the Mongolian who’s nationality was presumably chosen to reflect the lack of video recorders in that part of the world.

Roger Moore was totally unconvincing as the swash buckling adventurer and it’s no surprise that this ranks as his least favourite of his own films - no ‘Bullseye!’ is this! James Remar does OK in this, his second definite outing in a row following his second banana turn in ‘The Phantom’, but why he turns his back on the riches to support Van Damage isn't made clear. Most of the acting comment must be reserved for Van Damme who is as wooden and unconvincing as you’d probably expect. You could say that this is a man who knows his limits and sticks to them but that’s hardly an excuse for foisting this sub-par nonsense upon us.

THE Tag Line : Quest Ain’t The Best 34%

No.17 : The Happening (2008)

The Happening at the IMDb

Problem : You have an opinion that you want to get across to an audience but it’s not really backed up by any facts or evidence.

Solution : Make a film where the environmental bogeyman takes the form of whispering trees and kills us all.

Outcome : Widespread ridicule

‘The Happening’ must be one of the worst reviewed films of all time and it’s easy to see why. It has dreadful acting, a ludicrous concept and dialogue that wouldn’t cut it in a porno film. There are a couple of moments that make it almost worth a watch, but not quite.

We open in New York where a busy crowd suddenly stops dead in their tracks and start killing themselves. We think at first it might be an Emo convention but no! We then move to a building site where the workers start diving off the scaffolding - that economy has a lot to answer for.

We then move to a Philadelphia school room where teacher Marky Mark is discussing the reason for environmental problems. He’s interrupted by the principal who sends everyone home as the government is declaring a terrorist emergency. Marky hooks up with his wife Zooey Deschanel and his pal John Leguizamo who brings along his cute daughter.

They head out of town of a train but as always with trains it stops and the most portentous guards you’ll ever meet declare that all is lost. They soon split up and John comes to a sticky end when he hitches a lift in the wrong car. Marky hooks up with a weird couple, the male of which likes to wax lyrical about the greatness of hot dogs. The narrative as it is, is kept moving by sporadic information that comes from phones, passers by and, handily, a radio tied to a fence in the middle of nowhere.

They encounter more scenes of mass suicide and realise that it’s nature herself that they are fighting and their only hope is to stay in small groups. They end up in a remote farm house occupied by an old mental woman and the bets are on to see if they’ll survive and whether the incident is isolated or a precursor of worse to come.

The message in this film hits you like you’ve been kicked in the nuts by a deep sea diver. The ‘mystery’ of the event is signalled like the four minute warning with every event heralded by some trees rustling and we quickly realise that nature is fighting back. If that wasn’t clear enough we get other subtle hints like massive cooling towers pumping out, well water vapour, and some houses built in green belt land. We had it coming I tells ya.

In mitigation there are a couple of disturbing scenes like the lemming builders and the mass hanging but these serve only to highlight the total mess all around. Marky and Zooey have no chemistry and they both have scenes acting to objects such as a mobile phone and a rubber plant and it’s quite clear that we are not witnessing a master class from either.

The whole concept is ridiculous and justified with some really ropey science about tobacco plants defending against beetles. OK, even if you accept that, why do the plants instruct people to take elaborate steps like a man turning on the petrol and then the ignition of a lawn mower before jumping in front of it - hardly the actions of an irrational man taken over by a silver birch. Similarly why does the man woman chose to smash all the windows when killing herself to endanger Marky - that was one specific gust of wind!

To nit pick a mess like this is like picking flies off a turd - messy and totally pointless. A really awful film that is almost so bad it’s funny but not quite.

THE Tag Line : Happening Is Non-Event 34%

No.10 : The Avengers (1998)

The Avengers at the IMDb

If The Avengers was any good, and given that it’s about the weather, it’s tag line could have been ‘Brolly Good Fun’. Sadly it’s not, so it isn’t and it has to make do with ‘Pure Pish’ instead.

As you probably know the film is based on the 1960’s TV show of the same name and the slightly less good re-hash ‘The New Avengers staring Gareth ‘rhyming slang’ Hunt. The film opens with Ralph Fiennes in a slightly too large bowler hat walking down a street and doing battle with a copper, the milkman etc. Don’t worry his John Steed isn’t on an ASBO he’s doing a test for ‘The Ministry’ and of course passes with flying colours.

He is soon briefed by ‘Mother’ his handler who explains that the Prospero project has been blown up. This is a net that covers the country and protects it from unspecified attacks. We also meet Mrs Peel (Uma Thurman) who has knowledge of the project and is also the prime suspect for the attack given that she’s shown doing it on CCTV. Showing some unbelievable good faith Mother sends them out into the field to crack the case.

Their first, and to be honest only, port of call is the palatial home of Sir August De Wynter a weather expert who is a bit nutty and who has a grudge against the government. Not much detecting needed here! De Wynter is played with OTT enthusiasm by Sean Connery and his hair weave and he offers little in the way of menace as do his henchmen Eddie Izzard and Shaun Ryder out of ‘The Happy Mondays’ - honestly I’m not making this up!

De Wynter wastes no time in black mailing the country with his crappy weather - looks like he won the war in Scotland years ago! Our two heroes have to take on the ageing meteorologist and diffuse his big bomb or it’ll rain for ages. It really is that serious.

This was a real box office bomb when it came out and it’s not hard to see why. For a start loads of it makes no sense and the continuity is all over the place. I’ve read that it was practically cut in half after stinky test screenings and it shows, especially when characters changes clothes mid scene and refer to events that never happened.

The two leads struggle badly with their terrible parts and it’s hard to see how we were ever expected to like or empathise with Fiennes’ John Steed who comes across as a tit constantly on the look out for a cup of tea. Thurman is slightly better with her twin roles as Mrs Peel and her clone but her constant verbal sparring with Steed is really tiresome especially as they’re duelling with wit as blunt as a herring.

Connery must have cried into his pay cheque when he saw the results of his efforts that include him running a meeting of bad guys whilst wearing a teddy bear suit. The scene from ‘Goldfinger’ is played out with the dissenting collaborators quickly executed - it did lose some of it’s resonance when it was two big brightly coloured bears that slumped forward. Elsewhere Eddie Izzard got away with only one line in the whole mess “Ok fuck” - one I’m sure he repeats every time someone reminds him of this project.

You do get the sense that the film’s slinkiness was spotted early on as the special effects are clearly scaled back as the movie progresses, with the Ministry’s secret HQ becoming a bus and London being reduced to some cardboard boxes as the storm of the century puffs in.

It does have some slight moments of enjoyment such as the original theme flirting in and out and Patrick Macnee showing up in voice only in an invisible man cameo but these serve only to highlight what a waste of the material this mess was.

THE Tag Line : The Avengers Tragedy 34%