No.35 : The Rocketeer (1991)

The Rocketeer at the IMDb

I had pretty good memories of ‘The Rocketeer’ but was slightly wrong footed from the start when the ‘Disney’ logo came up - surely the House of Mouse have done nothing that appeals to anyone over 10 years old? ‘Herbie Goes Bananas’ excepted, of course.

Well there is certainly no sex, drug taking swearing or nudity but seeing as it’s an old fashioned adventure romp it manages to navigate past these shortcomings and remain an enjoyable offering.

The film is set just before the second World War with Nazis, spies and saboteurs all over the shop. We open with a young pilot testing a new aircraft when he happens upon an FBI chase and cops a bullet in the engine for his troubles. He manages to get the plane back to the airstrip just as the Feds and the gangsters arrive, causing his already stricken craft to blow up. One gangster manages to hide his loot before being arrested and our man and his chirpy mechanic Alan Arkin are left to count the cost.

The airfield owner tells them they’ll have to break out their old clown plane to entertain the air show crowds but as they dust the old bird off they find what the gangster has left behind - a super duper jet pack, designed and build by Howard Hughes. Seeing its potential worth, our men decide to make a few bucks off the machine before handing it back; but elsewhere more nefarious plans are afoot.

Paulie out of ‘Goodfellas’ has been employed by Timothy Dalton’s dashing but traitorous actor to get the jet pack for his Nazi pals. He kidnaps the Rocketeer’s girl Jennifer Connelly and it’s up to our guys to get into lots of situations that could benefit from having a jet pack to save the day. With the plan exposed Dalton makes off with Connelly and her zeppelins, sorry in a zeppelin , with the Rocketeer in hot pursuit. You’ll pretty much guess the rest.

If you ask most people they’ll wax lyrical about ‘The Rocketeer’ and rightly so ; there’s a lot to like. For a start the cast is spot on with the slightly slow but oh so dashing Bill Campbell in the lead. It’s a shame he’s not gone onto greater things but he did at least get a decent gig in Ricky Gervais’ ‘Ghost Town’ a couple of years back. Connelly is good fun too especially as she spends most of the film in a low cut ball gown. Timothy Dalton is great as the moustache twirling bad guy reportedly based on Errol Flynn and Alan Arkin is his always likable self as the cheery mechanic.

The plot is pretty basic with all the action basically happening over a day and a night. He finds the thing, leans to fly it and then saves the day in it. I’m not saying he should have had a love scene with it too, it just seems a bit straightforward in terms of plot direction. The end scenes with the Zeppelin were a good idea as up to that bit the only use of the rocket pack seemed to be a means of getting somewhere quickly.

There is no sense of danger in the film and despite a Rondo Hatton-esque unkillable bad guy most of the deaths occur off screen and those that don’t have a comic element to them. The sets and costumes are great and the whole thing is evocative of a more innocent time in both the movies and the world in general.

If you think the plot is a bit slight or you think things fall together a bit too easily you may be right, but for the most part I’d say ‘shut up I’m trying to watch this nice film again - Jennifer’s dress surely can’t stand the strain this time around?!’.


THE Tag Line : Strap It On And Brace Yourself 73%

No.26 : The Quest (1996)

The Quest at the IMDb

Jean Claude Van Damme stars in this total mess of a movie which is pretty close to almost everything else he’s ever done, most noticeably ‘Bloodsport’.

The film opens with an old man shuffling into a bar and ordering one of those coffees that all bars have ready poured in the cup from under the counter. We can’t see the old man’s face but when three toughs storm in and demand the takings we learn that he is in fact an aged Van Damme wearing more make up than the Boots No.5 counter. He predictably kicks ass and we then get drawn into his rather dull life story.

We go back to Tibet in 1925 where a gang of monks are for some reason sending invites to all the best fighters of the world to their big tournament. Their motivations are unclear, and it can’t be for the pay for view rights, but there is a massive solid gold dragon up for grabs. Van Damme isn’t on the guess list however as he’s dressed up a clown and fighting the mob and the police on the streets on a New York street that looks suspiciously like the far east where the rest of the film was shot. At least they splashed out on some police uniforms to sell the deception!

Jean Claude has to get out of town in a hurry as all his enemies close in and manages to stow away on a ship heading east. This turns out to be a gun running ship and our man is up for the chop when he is saved by Roger Moore’s buccaneer captain who takes him under his wing. But wait! Roger is a dodger and he sells Van Damme to an oriental fighting school. We then move on six months to the same set now labelled ‘Bangkok’ where a ballsy lady journalist persuades Roger to take her to an underground fight club. Guess who’s the star attraction? Go on two goes…

Van Damme tells Roger of the big fight contest and they resolve to go along to get the golden dragon by whatever means possible. Van Damme still isn’t invited but they manage to hook up with James Remar’s boxing champion and gate crash the event. With everyone now in place the contest of national stereotypes begins - can Claude fight his way to glory and riches or will the sneaky Roger steal the big prize. Before we know it we’re back in the bar with the old man having us wishing we hadn’t bothered!

This is a really awful film even in the generally crappy genre of martial arts movies. Despite being unable to act Van Damme also directs and co-writes and it’s pretty clear that he can do neither of these as well. The plot is so derivative of ‘Blood Sport’ that it’s not true, right down to the sassy lady journalist and the tournament format that sees all the eclectic styles of fighting represented and beaten by the good old face kick.

It’s pretty clear that New York, Tibet, Bangkok and The Forbidden City are all within five minutes of each other but you could forgive this if so little effort was made in disguising the fact - caption cards aren’t sufficient! The fights were very uninspiring and almost every bout followed the same format of one guy getting the first few blows in before being bested. The competitors were ridiculous with a kilt wearing Scot and a pointed hatted German all doing battle. As always there is a ‘baddie’ competitor, in this case the Mongolian who’s nationality was presumably chosen to reflect the lack of video recorders in that part of the world.

Roger Moore was totally unconvincing as the swash buckling adventurer and it’s no surprise that this ranks as his least favourite of his own films - no ‘Bullseye!’ is this! James Remar does OK in this, his second definite outing in a row following his second banana turn in ‘The Phantom’, but why he turns his back on the riches to support Van Damage isn't made clear. Most of the acting comment must be reserved for Van Damme who is as wooden and unconvincing as you’d probably expect. You could say that this is a man who knows his limits and sticks to them but that’s hardly an excuse for foisting this sub-par nonsense upon us.

THE Tag Line : Quest Ain’t The Best 34%

No.25 : The Phantom (1996)

The Phantom at the IMDb

The 1930’s must have been a tough time for criminals with a taste for antiquities, what with Indiana Jones, The Shadow (see No. 2) and now ‘The Phantom’. It's probably got something to do with the innocence of the time before the second world war, or perhaps the new technologies which meant that inter continental travel was possible. Personally I think the studios had a pile of spats that they needed to use up.

This tale opens on the highs seas with a big fight between some sailors and a gang of pirates. After seeing his Dad killed a young lad manages to escape overboard and is washed up on a remote island into the hands of some savages. Rather than stick him in the pot they train him up to be a crime fighter who wears a purple body stocking, as you do.

We fast forward to the present of the 1930’s and meet up with a scum bag gang of tomb raiders. We know they are bad as they cuss a lot and treat their child guide badly, but effectively they only do what Indiana does only with less style and budget. After finally realising their quest for a jewelled skull they encounter The Phantom and see him off rather easily.

Back in New York media mogul Drax is happy with his new treasure. Legend has it that once the skull is teamed up with its two compadres the bearer will become really tough and the Phantom can’t have that. After taking some guidance from his dead Dad, Patrick ‘The Prisoner’ McGoohan and stabling his frankly useless horse and wolf sidekicks The Phantom heads to the familiar streets of New York where the crime fighters are ten deep on Sixth Avenue.

The second skull is quickly sourced and these two handily point the way to the third on a big map conveniently located on the wall. As the baddies head off on their seaplane with The Phantom’s squeeze as a hostage our hero hitches a ride to the big set where their showdown will take place. Will the skulls be reunited? and can The Phantom save his girl and continue the line of masked adventurers that stretches back 400 years? Possibly not as there hasn’t been a sequel in 14 years…

I quite enjoyed this campy, derivative nonsense. ‘The Phantom’ clearly has his origins in the Saturday morning matinees and a lot of his baggage doesn’t really translate well into a modern film. He is a bit of a Bruce Wayne but without the gadgets and know how. He gets regularly bested in fights and although that may be to emphasise his vulnerability it just comes across as him being a bit rubbish. He has a faithful wolf and horse, both of which look so trained up that you half expect them to stop for a treat after every party piece.

The Phantom’s main power is that of the fear he puts amongst his enemies given his appaenent ghost like powers of being 400 years old. I know times are simpler but surely someone would’ve suggested it’s different men in the same suit?

Billy Zane is clearly having fun in the lead but suffers from the eternal dual identity problem of sounding exactly the same as his alter ego. At one point the leaves his taxi in his civvies and returns in his Phantom suit to the confusion of his cabbie. ‘Why the Halloween suit’ would’ve seemed a more likely reply.

Down the cast you get Treat Williams as the Howard Hughes like Drax, who clearly has lesser ambitions before his space station project can get off the ground. He does have an overly elaborate line in microscopes and his inevitable demise is a bit low key given what has gone before. The film also sees an early role for Catherine Zeta-Jones who plays a bitchy ball breaker. Her character arc is poorly defined but there seems to more than a bit of a lesbian motivation to her turn around - that plot I could have seen developed!

The film has pretty good production values and some cracking locations. It does look like the budget was blown prior to the big showdown which seems to take place in a ropey pirate themed restaurant. The film does however not take itself too seriously and although undemanding it is pretty good fun and certainly better than ‘The Shadow’. 58%

THE Tag Line : Better than ‘The Shadow’

No.13 : The Deep (1977)

The Deep at the IMDb

If you mention ‘The Deep’ to most people the first thing they’ll mention will be Jacqueline Bisset’s wet t-shirt, that appears in the opening scene. Well maybe not the t-shirt itself, but you get the idea. This is a bit of a shame as the slight titillation is over after the first five minutes and if you expect any more you’ve got a dull two hours coming your way.

The film is set in Bermuda and opens with 8 dialogue free minutes and Bisset as Nick Nolte enjoy a bit of scuba diving. It’s all jolly stuff, and not a little Jacques Cousteau , but soon we get down to the nitty gritty of scrabbling about in the dirt for some stuff. Nolte finds an innocuous ampoule bottle which is brushed over too quickly to be insignificant and then a medallion to go with his hairy chest.

Back at the beach they make the mistake of showing the scuba rental guy their finds as pretty soon word has gotten to local ‘bottle collector’ Louis Gossett who shows up at their dinner table. They suspect he’s not revealing all and this is confirmed the next day when he kidnaps them and strips Jacqueline bare (no, sorry) while searching for the loot. They had unknowingly been relieved of the bottle the night before by Robert Shaw, a local salty dog treasure hunter who lives in a lighthouse, like you do.

They return to trade notes and find that the bottle is in fact morphine from a sunken world war two warship. Gossett is keen for the drugs and doesn’t mind a bit of voodoo or cat nailing to get it. Added to the mix is Adam Coffin a survivor of the warship who can be bought for a bottle of rum and a gang of henchmen on both sides who make the WWF look like the best actor nominees.

We soon find out that the drugs have landed on top of an old galleon full of treasure and the race is on to salvage the goodies and keep the drugs off the streets.

This is a strange mix of a film. In some scenes it’s like something from Disney’s world of nature and in the next a man is getting an outboard motor stuck in his face. The characters are all thinly drawn with the baddies particularly crummy, with a ‘boo hiss’ complimenting every appearance. There are some elements of subterfuge, with it left unclear for a while whose side Shaw is on, but you are never really in much doubt. Eli Wallach as Coffin does a decidedly poor turn as the embittered lackey, keen to switch sides but it was good to see he hadn’t shaved since ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly‘.

Shaw seemingly took the job for the money and I doubt a few months in Bermuda hurt either. That said he died the following year so maybe all that voodoo bobbins worked after all! He seemed to do his own diving in the film although it was strange that he does it in his shirt and trousers - must have forgotten his swimming costume.

Nolte and Bisset didn’t have much chemistry and their love scene are wisely kept to a minimum. With her plumy accent and his bad acting it was always going to be a tough match. Louis Gossett (no ‘Jnr,’ here) is still five years away from his ‘Officer and a Gentleman’ Oscar and it shows in his totally menace free offering. He tries to use moody silences as threats but I kept thinking he’d lost his script. He does however get some redemption points for possibly the best demise in cinema - ouch!

It is kind of hard to dislike this film with it’s sunny sets and bikini girls running around. The threat is mild but there are some good fights and the sea life is cracking. If you don’t need any deep thinking ‘The Deep’ may just rise to the occasion for you.

THE Tag Line : Deep Shit? No, it’s actually not that bad. 68%