No.180 : The Mack (1973)

The Mack at the IMDb

The Urban Dictionary describes a ‘Mack’ as a ladies’ man or a pimp. In this film it’s definitely the latter with Goldie being our main man. The film opens with Goldie getting arrested after a botched robbery he attempts with Richard Pryor, and getting five years in the joint.

Time flies and soon he’s back on the streets with ambitions to takes back what’s his, as well as lots of other stuff that isn’t his. The film is decidedly un PC with every character a racist bigot and that’s just the decent ones. Goldie’s plan is to get some broads or ‘bitches’ as he puts it, and to put them to work on the streets. Rather than feel exploited the women flock to have Goldie as their man.

He soon has a harem of ten ladies of the night on his payroll, with each earning him $100 a night (in 1973 money!). This allows him to indulge in a funny montage where he gets the best pimp gear and a fly Cadillac.

Not all is good however, with the two cops who arrested Goldie at the start trying to muscle in on his action and ‘The Fat Man’, the local Mr Big, also trying to get him in line.

We see some halcyon days with a pimp’s baseball match and barbecue (really!) as well as the ‘Playa of the Year’ awards where Goldie comes out on top. Goldie is also able to get his Mom out of the ghetto and into a harbour side apartment, whilst also having a hot white girlfriend. Can he hold it all together or will the lifestyle choices he has made come back to haunt him?

This was an outrageously un PC film by today’s standards with being caught with a copy of the script no doubt being a hate crime. It was almost exactly like ‘I’m Gonna Git Ya Sucker’ but funnier despite that one being a spoof. The clothes were amazing with Goldie’s gold bowler hat and cape combo a thing of beauty.

Goldie was a terrible person, with his exploitation of women and murders only slightly worse than his dress sense. At times he was painted in almost Robin Hood terms, but when he’s running classes in robbery and brainwashing women in a Planetarium it’s hard to cheer him on. There is some payback and reflection when various members of his posse and family get hit, but it’s played in such a cartoon fashion that it’s hard to really care.

I did like all the white villains such as the cops who, although corrupt, were also seen in a bad light for arresting Goldie for the big shoot out at the start. He was no angel and five years seemed a bit light. The Fat Man was a terrible overlord and it was no surprise that he fell for the old blind accordion player trick.

Max Julien in the lead was cool, but I wasn’t convinced by his powers of threat or menace. He looked like a nice man stuck in a funny hat and given reams of terrible dialogue to read out.

The film is a good laugh and a historical oddity. It does nothing for race relations with the African American community portrayed as mostly savage and backstabbing. All the whites were horrible too, so at least there was balance. Overall, one to watch and enjoy but also to burn if you get a knock on the door from some woke activists.

THE Tag Line : I Wanna See Assholes & Elbows! 60%

No.176 : The Tournament (2009)

The Tournament at the IMDb

30 of the world’s best assassins converge every 7 years (despite it saying ten on that poster) and have a last man standing free for all with the winner getting $10 million. We witness the end of the previous event and now the Tournament is happening again - and this time it’s in, er, Middlesbrough. God knows why - maybe a council grant or something?

Ving Rhames is defending champion - he’s not back because he’s pissed the prize money away - he’s back for revenge as one of the participants killed his wife. He must have had a late flight however as he doesn’t show up until we are about halfway through.

We follow the fortunes of Kelly Hu who is sexy and deadly. Not much personality, but you can’t have everything. She hooks up with innocent (!) priest Robert Carlyle who is having a crisis of faith and is also a target after another competitor fed him his tracking chip, meaning the pissed up priest is fair game.

Meanwhile the action is being monitored by a room of clichés; rich gamblers like the loud Texan and sinister Orientals who have bets on the outcome. Middlesbrough has loads of CCTV that the baddies can hack into, so our gamblers can get their thrills. It also seems to have no police or many civilians at all.

We get various face offs between contestants including that French bloke who does parkour and a nutty American who we don’t like as he kills a dog. Soon the numbers are whittled down, especially after a bloody encounter in a strip joint.

As you would expect it’s comes down to our three principals - who will win…The Tournament?! Not the audience, that’s for sure!

This was actually a decent offering if you have parked your brain and are just seeking shoot ‘em up thrills. It was a mistake to make Carlyle’s priest so prominent as his crisis of faith was just dull and it beggared belief that a top assassin would take him under her wing.

The action sequences were decent with the big motorway finale well choreographed. They do seem to have a lot of crappy old cars in Middlesbrough though - just as well as they all get blown up.

There was little in the way of characterisation with Rhames especially phoning it in. Hu was lovely but her dialogue was a bit stilted and I wasn’t buying her hard ass rep. Of the under card you get your usual cavalcade of psychos and exotics with snipers, grenade chuckers and one chap with a rocket launcher all adding a bit of colour - mostly red.

The film does lose momentum in the last third with the showdown and ending all being somewhat predictable. It was decent enough but you can see why there wasn’t enough to kick-start a franchise here.

THE Tag Line - Everyone is a loser in the Tournament 58%

No.172 : The Martian (2015)

The Martian at the IMDb

As my regular reader will attest we’re not fans of the tent pole film here at the Definitive Article Movie Blog. We avoid the obvious and search out the niche films that you’ve never hear of, or have no interest in ever seeking out. We don’t deal in absolutes however, so I thought we’d have a look at ‘The Martian’ which has become my favourite Definite Article film.

Quiet at the back! We’ve never covered ‘The Shining’ or ‘The Warriors’ and on a Google search on the highest profile IMDb film that we’ve reviewed, the result the passable but hardly stellar ‘The Impossible’; so why ‘The Martian’? Well, it’s just so damn good and immersive. I must have watched it about four times and every time I’ve been suckered in early on, on E4+1 or similar and stayed for the duration. It’s like ‘Clear and Present Danger’ in that its structure demands you watch for just another five minutes, and another and another and before you know it, two hours have passed, and your pizza has dried up.

The film is based on Andy Weir’s book which I read and enjoyed having watched the film. The book is superior in that it delves deeper into the science and avoids the large gaps that the film inevitably has to, to ensure a two hour run time. The film is however a triumph in translating the book and in making the science accessible. I just hope that one day they release a ten hour version of the film so that all the tiny details can be explored.

Anyway, Matt Damon plays Mark Watney, a botanist astronaut who is accidentally left behind on Mars after he’s thought dead when a storm causes his crew to evacuate in a hurry. He survives though after his blood and an aerial spike block the hole that stabbed him through his health monitor and caused his crew to think him dead. His quandary is that he has no way to contact NASA and it will be four years before a rescue mission can be sent, and he only has food for one. His resolution is to science the shit out of things and he proceeds to do so in a variety of plausible if slightly fortunate ventures, that include salvaging the ancient Pathfinder equipment that is luckily close by.

That’s not to say its an easy ride, as the harvesting of a crop of potatoes takes the best part of an hour with every success well earned and enjoyed by the audience. Meanwhile back on earth a cavalcade of celebrities, including Jeff Daniels and Kristen Wiig, try to came up with a way to bring our man home against a soundtrack of disco favourites.

Towards the end the progress is on fast forward somewhat with Watney’s 3600 mile journey to the new launch site and his trip back to earth covered with indecent haste. I imagine the editor must have had a nightmare though, as the early work in setting the challenges had to be offset with the eventual payoffs.

I liked the NASA stuff with the internal politics and budget concerns as much a threat as Martian storms and potato blight. Some bits were a bit on the nose with Donald Glover’s explaining a slingshot to NASA bigwigs seeming somewhat unlikely - I’ve heard of them and I’ve only seen Star Trek. Director Ridley Scott was obviously aware of the need to keep his audience informed and for that reason I can accept the conceit.

I always enjoy the crew of the Hermes scenes the most with the camaraderie and the unquestioning sacrifice for a lost colleague the kind of stuff that always gives me the gulps. Who knows in the real world if they would risk the lives of many and spend the billions of dollars to give one man another what? 50 odd years at most? I’m glad they did in the film - the scenes of the crew being reunited and the world gasping as one were excellent, and as big a ‘oh yeah’ as when Rocky Balboa chopped the big Russian down.

Well done ‘The Martian’ your definitive crown is well earned.

THE Tag Line : A Mars for 581 days will help you work,rest and make a good film  -  90%

No.165 : The Babadook (2014)

The Babadook at the IMDb

Essie Davis stars as an Australian widow batting with a monster and an annoying six year old son who does magic tricks.

We open with our heroine, Amelia, having a few out of body experience involving a car crash and a man. She awakes from what is a dream by her shouty son, Samuel. Samuel is a handful to say the least what with all his monster sightings and his elaborate machines for attacking them.

His monster alerts are written off as a product of his over active imagination, but we’ve seen the poster!

One night he asks to be read from an unfamiliar book called ‘Mr Babadook’. This book has creepy illustrations and promises that the reader will end up dead - ‘The World’s Diggiest Dog’ this is not! Samuel is rightfully scared by the book but Mum’s patience starts to wear thin when he starts spotting the Babadook all over the place.

Small signs start to appear that suggest things are not right such as doors opening and glass in the soup. Amelia speculates that Samuel is the cause of the upsets but soon changes her tune when she starts to see the Babadook herself.

As her world slowly crumbles and with the social workers at the door we have to wonder if the monster is real or if Mum is just plain nuts.

This is an interesting psychological horror that has a cracking performance from Essie Davis at it’s heart. The boy; not so much! She starts off well as a struggling widow but slowly descends into a haze of mental instability and curse words. Some scenes are genuinely uncomfortable as she berates her son and sorts out the dog for one woof too many.

It’s left deliberately unclear as to whether the Babadook is real or just a symptom of Amelia’s mental state. Even when he’s seen it’s often just a flash or immediately followed by the character waking up, so you are unclear if it’s a dream or not.

The design is great with the original story book monster wonderfully realised in jerky animations on screen. I liked it when Mum was eventually possessed, that she too had the same staccato movements as the evil Mr B.

The struggles faced by Amelia were well realised with her bitchy and insensitive fellow Mums being no use and the prospective boyfriend being scared off by the screaming Samuel - and no wonder.

The po-faced authority fugues such as the police and the social workers were no help at all and the whole thing was a great essay on isolation and the struggles faced by young widows who face real monsters wearing hats.

There were the usual false starts and jump scares, but it was good how the pretences were dropped after an hour or so and the film became a struggle for survival. It wasn’t always clear if this struggle was in Amelia’s head or with a real monster but the resolution was well handled with the colour palette brightening up in the last scene. And they have a new pet too!

Best Bit : Bring me the Boy!  71%

No.160 : The Witches (1966)

The Witches at the IMDb

After our last offering of The Witch we now meet the plural offering in the shape of this 1966 Hammer frightener. Where as The Witch was set in 1620 this has a contemporary setting - so which witch is best? The other one!

This effort starts well and there was a really good film to be had. Sadly the big denouement lets this one down with it being more ridiculous than anything else.

The film stars Joan Fontaine, who won the Oscar in 1941 for ‘Suspicion’. She must have been on her uppers 25 years later as this British production will be a footnote to her illustrious CV at best.

The film opens in Africa where Fontaine’s ‘Joan Mayfield’ is working as a missionary teacher. Her classes haven’t gone down well as the natives are in revolt and she’s packing up. Her two terrified helpers, including Rudolph Walker off ‘Eastenders’, dive out the window as the local witch doctor is at the door. Joan takes a faint when a massive tribal head, which looks like surplus stock from ‘It’s a Knockout’ bursts in.

Joan wakes up back in England and has an interview with a vicar for a new job, teaching in the small village of Heddaby. She freaks out when recounting her African experiences but gets the gig anyway.

She arrives in the idyllic village to become headmistress in the school and is met by ‘Oooh Betty’ actress Michelle Dotice. She settles in but learns the vicar isn’t really a vicar as he  failed the exam - and that the town’s church was destroyed in unspecified circumstances 200 years ago. These minor issues don’t set off any alarm bells and she makes a friend in the fake vicar’s sister, Stephanie.

She starts to tutor a boy called Ronnie, who sports a Mr Logic haircut, and tries to adopt a black cat that follows her around. Ronnie’s studies go well but he’s distracted by a well developed 14 year Linda (the actress being 19 at the time) and soon falls ill. Joan finds a doll with pins in it and wonders if the boy is under a spell? Stephanie cautions against removing the pins however as that would show she actually believed in witchcraft.

After some more meddling Joan opens the door to find the massive voodoo head coming from her and promptly faints. She wakes up, seemingly a year later in the care of Rigsby off ‘Rising Damp’. Is Joan really nuts or is there a coven of witches in the village who got rid of the boy as he had designs on the girl, and they need a virgin for their unholy sacrifice? Second one sounds the more exciting option, but it’s totally not!

The first hour of this film is really good. It’s well paced and there are a lot of pointers that things aren’t what they seem. I always like scenes were everyone, apart from the hero, is in on a nefarious plan and Joan did well bumbling about in her twin set.

Things fall apart however as soon as Rigsby appears. There is never really any doubt that Joan’s suspicions are correct and, given the title, the viewer is in little doubt either. The film does however go down a mental path, with the lead witch’s identity being no surprise whatsoever. The preparing of the girl for the sacrifice was done so much better in ‘The Wicker Man’ with there being no sense of danger here at all. ‘The satanic rite’ and ‘orgy’ were laughable and looked more like a failed audition for the ‘Thriller’ video.

The salvation and resolution were handled cack handedly, with the last two minutes looking tacked on to convince the thickies in the audience that this was indeed a happy ending.

One to avoid or at least to excuse yourself from after an hour.

THE Tag line : The Worst Witch  53%

No.159 : The Witch (2015)

The Witch at the IMDb

Some sources say the correct title for this film is ‘The Vvitch’ (with 2 Vs) but given my VV blog is still in it’s infancy we’ll settle for our own alphabet, thanks very much.

The film is subtitled ‘A New England folk tale’ but this isn’t one you’d want to hear around a camp fire or indeed around goats.

We open with Chris Finch (great rep.) being expelled from a township in 1620’s America. The rift is either over religion or the Swindon lot not taking to him; that much isn’t explained. The town council are all in puritan garb and it’s likely that Finchy has fallen foul of their dress code.

He and his wife and their four kids are herded out of the safety of the fenced village and are left to make their own way in the world. Things seems to start off OK, as we rejoin them a year or so later with a new born son, Samuel, and a sizeable farm holding next to a dark and foreboding forest. Like ‘The Village’ the forest is a no go area, but a failed harvest means that may have to change.

Finchy’s hand is forced when Samuel disappears after a game of ‘peek-a-boo’ with his eldest daughter Thomasin. The family plan to hunt for the child but we the viewer have already seen him spirited away and killed by a witch who uses the unbaptised infant’s blood for some mad ritual.

Things don’t get much better for the family as their corn rots, the goat’s milk turns bloody and their eggs are slightly off. Added to the mix is the loss of their dog, horse and son Caleb. Caleb and Thomasin tried to find some grub for the family but it ended badly when Caleb stumbled onto the Witch’s home. She looked lovely to begin with but as is often the case she became an old hag up close. Sadly Caleb was lured in as we’d seen him ogling his sister's chest previously, and the witch was very busty.

Caleb is returned to the family a day later, but naked and spewing up apples. It’s like that Ibiza holiday all over again. The family start to turn on each other - is there a witch in their midst? The accusations fly and home truths are revealed. Are they all as virtuous as they may have signalled? Can they survive this onslaught and will it be done before Chasers opens?

I liked this spooky and nihilistic tale of seemingly good people being pulled apart by supernatural forces. Basically they didn’t have a chance from the off with the Witch’s powers and the family’s blind faith making for a deadly mix.

It was a bit off putting at first that ye olde English was spoken throughout but you soon get to grips with it. Finchy and Kate Dickie as Mum and Dad were great as was Harvey Scrimshaw playing Caleb. I was less taken with Anya Taylor-Joy in the pivotal part of Thomasin, who was a bit too clean and pretty amidst all the plight. Maybe that’s your clue!

There were some genuinely disturbing scenes especially towards the end, when the family’s goat Black Phillip starts to make his move. There were a lot of images that will stay with you and some were the stuff of nightmares.

I’m not sure what we learned with this film but ‘stay out of the woods’ would seem like sage advice!

The Tag Line - Talk to Me! 78%

No.157 : The Unborn (2009)

The Unborn at the IMDb

This 2009 shocker stars Gary Oldman and Odette Annable, whom we recently saw in ‘The Double’(the Richard Gere one). This film garners  her best ever marks in a Definitive Article Movie review but that’s damning her with the faintest of faint praise.

Before we start a word about that poster - fair enough she does appear in her pants but to make out that that’s a fair representation of the film is poor form. You’d get more titillation in an episode of ‘Last of the Summer Wine’.

We open with our heroine, Casey, out for a jog. She finds a glove in the street and when she looks back she sees a zombie child. When she double takes she sees a bulldog with a mask on. She then finds a buried baby whose eyes open before she wakes up - it was all a dream! So far, so dreadful.

Casey starts to experience issues in her real life, with her babysitting job ending up with a mirror being smashed in her face by a four year old and her omelette’s eggs being full of bugs. Is she possessed or is she just babysitting at Ferguslie Park and buying her eggs from the bargain counter?

She confides in her waste of space friend who tells her it’s bad luck to see your reflection before you are one year old. This comes true as the mirror smashing child had shone a mirror in a baby’s face and the infant died the next day. Is this a coincidence or is there more happening than we can accept? Obviously it’s the latter or it would be a short film.

Casey soon learns that she was one of a pair of twins with her sibling dying in the womb after strangling on her umbilical chord. She also dreams of her dead mother and meets a slightly loopy grandparent who tells her the family is cursed owing to events that took place in Auschwitz. After some suitably quick research she accepts that she is possessed by the ‘dibook’ and enlists the help of Gary Oldman’s Rabbi Sendack to sort out the issue. Oldman clearly hasn’t been booked for enough scenes so he subcontracts some of the work to Idris Elba’s priest and the scene is set for the exorcism.

Will the evil spirit be purged? Will Gary blowing his horn do the trick? and how many of the cast will get the milky eye treatment before the spirit can be extinguished?

I hadn’t heard of this film before and was surprised to see that it returned $75 million on a $15 million budget - it looked a lot cheaper than that! It looked like a TV movie that had some star names transplanted in, late in the day, to secure a bigger box office take.

It was OK and competently made but there are only so many jump scares you can take. Basically every time someone looked in a mirror or opened a door you expected to see a creepy kid and you were rarely disappointed. The possession aspect was covered in our recent offering ‘The Prophecy’ and it was the same here with the malevolent spirit jumping between hosts at will. There was some spiritual gubbins with Oldman shouting from some ancient script, but it was nothing you haven’t seen before.

The lead was poor and ran from one scene to the next blubbering and begging for help. Oldman and Elba had about ten minutes screen time between them with neither shining whatsoever. Oldman’s casual rabbi offered no gravitas at all and he looked like he was phoning it in . With the script he had, it’s hard to criticise him.

The effects were alright but basically amounted to a few bugs and a kid with white make up and zombie eyes. I wasn’t scared in the slightest and the concentration camp aspect made no sense at all.

The ending suggested a sequel may be in the offing but I have no interest in tracking one down. The film focused on twins and the idea of duality - for me this is a one and done, thanks very much.

THE Tag Line : Kill it at birth! 51%

No.155 : The Stuff (1985)

The Stuff at the IMDb

I remember seeing posters for ‘The Stuff’ when it was realised in 1985 and thinking it looked interesting. Sadly it was ‘R’ rated and I was too busy with ‘S.S. Experiment Camp’ and Cannibal Ferox. Simpler times when you are 14! I came across it again on a trawl through Amazon Prime and thought I’d give it a go. Sadly some films should remain as posters on the wall in the Muirhead Café’s video department for all time!

We encounter the titular stuff in the first moments of the film. A man, who couldn’t be mistaken for an actor, finds the white stuff bubbling through the snow and has a taste. He’s a brave man - this was the era of white dog shit remember! He deems it delicious as does his friend - before we know it everyone is tucking into to this tasty marvel and the ice cream industry is getting nervous.

They have tried to analyse the mysterious foodstuff with no success. They had also tried to bribe The Food & Drug Administration for some details but all those involved in its approval are now dead or on holiday. Their only option is to hire corporate spy Mo Rutherford to get the low down on the mysterious morsel. Mo, played by Michael Moriarty, is an annoying know it all with a slow drawl and cowboy boots. He gets results however and has soon recruited The Stuff’s head of marketing to his endeavour.

Meanwhile a young lad is waging his own campaign against the stuff. He saw it moving about on its own in the fridge and tries to stop anyone eating it. Sadly his acting school must have burnt down as no one believes him. That is until he joins up with Mo and Mo’s unfortunately named accomplice ‘Chocolate Chip Charlie’. Wouldn’t happen today, I can tell you.

The investigation takes a few predictable turns and we are treated to some dreadful model work, as a dog and then a man contort violently when the stuff exits their bodies, leaving empty husks behind. Soon the source of the stuff is located. Can it’s inexorable conquest of greedy people continue unabated? Or will that old ‘stolen uniform’ plan work as usual?

I enjoyed the start of ‘The Stuff’ but it soon ran out of puff and I was struggling to see it through to it’s predictable ending, where it may not all be over after all!

The themes of addiction, corporate greed and an exploding dog are well worn and were handled with all of the subtlety of a sledgehammer wrapped in another sledgehammer. The ultimate source and point of the stuff was never really explored - it was just there, it was exploited and it was bad for people. I’m sure it was a metaphor for something, as the white ooze became additive and then consumed people, but I was too busy eating my McFlurry to work it out.

There were a couple of minor star turns with Danny Aiello and Paul Sorvino off ‘Goodfellas’ hamming it up for no worthwhile purpose. I did like some of the special effects, including a reworking of the spinning room out of ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ but it was strange that these sat cheek by jowl with some absolutely risible effects that wouldn’t have made the cut of kids’ TV show ‘Knightmare’.

I could see how the film would be a cult classic as some of the dialogue and effects are just the thing that trendy post modernists would love to have a go at. Unlike me. I did see a few lifts taken by ‘The World’s End’ and there was a decent amount of invention for a budget that seemed to run out half way through.

There wasn’t enough development in the threat for me and it just seemed a straight forward outing of danger followed by a pat resolution. The film is barely 90 minutes but I had had enough of ‘The Stuff’ long before the credits rolled.

The Tag Line : Stuff This 56%

No.154 : The Rezort (2015)

The Rezort at the IMDb

Don’t worry spelling pedants, the title is correct. The ‘Z’ stands for ‘Zombie’ and there are plenty in this British survival horror.

The film opens with a large and annoying media dump. For some reason all the clips are overlaid with static and a lot of jerky cuts. I guess this is to make you uncomfortable and edgey, but for me it was just irritating. I was worried that the whole thing was going to be a ‘found footage’ affair but thankfully it changed to a conventional film after the title card.

We learn that it has been seven years since an epidemic that caused the dead to come alive and eat the living. So far, so very predictable. Despite the loss of 2 billion people the government deem it appropriate to leave one island off the coast of Africa full of the undead, so that the rich can enjoy holidays shooting them up. It seems a daft concept, but is there another plan afoot that would explain, if not exactly justify the risk?

We meet the usual cavalcade of misfits who go through the orientation before being allowed out into the island. This obviously allows the viewer to know what’s going on and to anticipate the pitfalls, which come on plenty and often.

Strangely for a resort that caters for rich asshole hunters none of our crew want to be there. We meet a single women who was dumped at the alter and is using the non-refundable ticket herself. We also get some team gamers who won a competition and a dull woman and her Irish boyfriend who have less life that most of the island’s inhabitants.

 The big star is the enigmatic Dougray Scott who may be mysterious or he may have forgotten his script. We’re not sure why he’s there (bad agent?) but he does have a bigger gun than everyone else so we know he’s to be taken seriously.

As is the law for any futuristic theme park things soon go awry with one visitor’s attempts to steal some files for a refugee agency causing a virus to infect the system and quickly close down all the security protocols. They do this from an underground bunker that was nicked wholesale from ‘Westworld’.

Strangely the manacles on the zombies are computer controlled and once these are off the undead go on a neck biting rampage. Still it’ll be OK - the island zombies or ‘shufflers’ have been there for seven years and are slow - only fresh ones can run about a bit. Wait, were are these speedy zombies coming from? Is there an even more nefarious scheme in place? As our diminishing band of heroes trek across the island to safety we wonder if the plot is as obvious as first flagged and will we all learn to care just a little bit before the inevitable conclusion?

This was a decent slice of hokum but it offered nothing new to an already overloaded genre. The attempts to layer in a bit of social commentary were heavy handed with the blue teddy bear taking the role of the red coat in ‘Schindler’s List’. Obviously it would be hard to mirror that film’s level of gravitas when you have a bunch of Z listers running about screaming as a never ending hoard of zombies jump out from every corner.

Having Scott carry the film was a mistake as he had no charisma at all. He wasn’t burdened with any backstory at all and, although tasty with his sniper rifle, he had little to do except lead the chase to the exit - a path no doubt mirrored by all unlucky enough to see this dud in the cinema.

There was the fun of seeing every other theme park and zombie film ever made homaged with ‘28 Weeks Later’ getting a few nods along with ‘Jurassic Park’ and ‘Westworld’ - film and TV versions.

It was competently made but I had zero interest in any of the dull characters - apart from ‘Marty’ off ’Lead Balloon’ - wondered what he’d been up to!

The ending was clearly meant to make us think and revalue our own morals, but frankly when you set your film in a zombie theme park you are asking a lot of your audience if you want anything more than the odd grunt and lack of dribble.

Risible nonsense with a moral high ground that hardly befits the brain dead premise. ‘eat brainnsss?’ need to have one first!

The TAG Line -  World War Zzzzzzzz  45%

No.153 : The Quiet (2005)

The Quiet at the IMDb

Sitting with a hangover ‘The Quiet’ seemed like a good choice. The film has some pretty dark themes but at least it has no loud noises or explosions.

We open with a bit of duff narration from Dot who is a deaf mute. We wonder from the off if she really is because she’s doing the voiceover! She talks about being half a person when another is there and a third when two people are there. This lessons in fractions was reminiscent of Steve Martin discussing how time felt in ‘The Jerk’.

Dot is an orphan whose Mum died when she was seven, and her deaf father recently when he lost an argument with a truck. She moves in with the dysfunctional Deer family who are her Godparents. Their bitchy cheerleader daughter, Nina (A slightly too old Elisha Cuthbert), isn’t happy with the new resident and badmouths her in front of her parents, safe in the knowledge that she can’t hear.

The parents have their own issues with Mrs Soprano maintaining the drug habit she earned on ‘Nurse Jackie’ and the Dad being a bit too keen on his daughter. At school the Nina and her friend Michelle are the stereotypical high school bitches whilst Dot is left on her own. She does however catch the eye of troubled jock Connor, who fancies Dot more than Michelle who is frankly laying it on a plate for him.

In the background of this typical high school affair is the spectre of abuse as Dad visits Nina’s room most nights whilst Mum pretends that she can’t hear anything going on.

Obviously everyone has issues and is basically mental - who’s nuttiness will ratchet up first? Who’s for the chop and will Dot’s voice be heard?

I quite enjoyed this film although it wasn’t too substantial and made even less sense.

Nina is 17 and the frankly creepy Dad is well overdue a pounding and not in a good way. Nina plots his demise but gets her head turned by a new bag. There is also a subplot of her bitchy friend making lesbian advances towards her as they sleep over in baby doll nightdresses. Not sure what was being conveyed here but a rewatch is already in the plans!

Camilla Belle had a tough job as Dot as she wasn’t exactly engaging and she just smiled and looked blank a lot. I get that she had regressed into herself as a defence mechanism but I wasn’t buying her deaf mute routine. At no time in the last twenty years had she never stood on a nail or let out a yell when a late goal busted her coupon?

The high school romances, complete with the prom, were well worn paths, but I am a sucker for the popular kids being right cows. The troubled jock Connor was a bit of a pain and I don’t know why his seduction technique was to talk about how often he jerked off. Worked though!

The inevitable finale was signalled from way off and the big reveal was nothing of the kind. Still they all healed a bit (apart from Dad!) and learned that the quiet after the storm was the best bit.

All in all a decent, if uneven, effort that had some worthwhile ideas which weren’t fully realised.

The Tag Line : Tony’s wife asks if she’s fat   65%

No.152 : The Prophecy (1995)

The Prophecy at the IMDb

Here we go with another one off look at a franchise - there are five ‘The Prophecy’ films to pick from, but for us, it’s a one and done. This series starts off reasonably high rent with a decent cast but it soon loses its lustre and heads into the ‘video premiere’ twilight zone.

This is the first of the franchise and it’s decent 1990’s fun with lots of big hair and puffy shirts. We open with someone looking forlorn over the remains of what appears to be an angel…

No, not that one - a real one! There is a portentous and pretentious voice over by Eric Stoltz who waffles on about an never ending war in heaven. After the credits we meet Thomas who is being ordained as a priest. As the ceremony goes on he suffers horrible visions - no not of choir boy abuse but of lots of angels killing each other. He quite correctly freaks out and when we catch up with him again he’s become a hard bitten police detective. That’s some career office they have right there.

We meet Stoltz and learn that he is the ginger angel Simon. He gets into a big fight with another angel (they all look like people, no wings or anything) and bests him when his opponent gets smashed into a wall by  a car. Our hero is called into investigate the death and gets top coroner Kenny Banya to do the autopsy. He’s the best Jerry, the best! Banya finds the body has both sets of sex organs and the oldest bible in existence. With such an important discovery they decide to lock him up in the meat locker for the night and head home.

There’s no rest for the dead however when Christopher Walken shows up to have a lick of the body before incinerating it. Maybe the corpse laughed at his bad dye job, it’s not clear. After lots of painful exposition we learn that there is a soul out there that both sides in the angel war want. Stoltz has it, but he manages to transfer it to a little native American girl by way of a frankly creepy big kiss. The girl is looked after by Virginia Madsen who has nicked the remains of Walken’s black hair dye.

She and the failed priest must now join forces to save the little girl from the converging forces in the angel war - who’s your money on? Gabriel or Lucifer? FIGHT!

This was a lot of nonsense but it was enjoyable nonsense with some decent action and a few good turns. One of these was not Viggo Mortensen who shows up as Lucifer near the end and overacts like hell, sorry heaven.

The exposition is poor with the angels all fighting over God’s love, as God now loves humans the most and whom the angels refer to as ‘monkeys’ - bit racist.

Walken plays it pretty straight and intense and is good value. I liked his habit of perching on things like a big vulture. His dialogue, and that of everyone else, was shocking with lines like "Two hells is one too many” being trotted out with a straight faces along with the Yoda worthy “War  leads to arrogance and that leads to evil which leads to me”.

There were a lot of B list stars popping up including Amanda Plummer as Walken’s replacement zombie - he needs a helper as he can’t drive - probably shouldn’t have given up the wings Chris! And Eric Stoltz who had the good taste to bow out before the halfway mark.

The poor Native Americans came out of it badly portrayed as always as a bunch of hicks living in trailers but with a mystic sixth senses. This translated to them just chanting and waving sticks for much of the film.

The big denouement was poorly handled although I would like to see how they manage to get a sequel with Walken still in the lead - not enough to seek it out though!

If you want a bit of mindless pap with cod philosophy, religious posturing and blouses tied at the waist this would be the film for you.

THE Tag Line : No Angel delight 57%

No.149 : The Monster (2016)

The Monster at the IMDb

When I read the synopsis of this film I wondered if the monster in the title was gong to be an actual monster or if it was going to be a metaphor for the monster that lives within us all. It was no surprise to learn that it was both.

We open with a young girl clearing up her mother’s empty beer bottles and struggling to get her out of bed. Mum wears her bra to bed and wonders where last night’s lover has gone. She has a hangover and tattoos - I’m only surprised they didn’t stick her in a trailer to get the scummy mummy full house!

The girl, Lizzy, is keen to get Mum active as they have somewhere to go. It’s soon revealed that Mum is giving the girl up and she’s going to live with Daddy. It doesn’t explain why daddy can’t come over and get her himself, but if he did that we wouldn’t have a film.

The pair head off in their beat up car - well it has a bit of gaffer tape on one of the seats. We enjoy a couple of flashbacks illustrating the pair’s past relationship, including a delightful game of verbal tennis where ‘I hate you’ and ‘Fuck you’ and bounced back and forth several times.

Their late start means that they are soon driving in darkness across the most desolate road in history. They literally don’t see another car all night apart from emergency vehicles which show up five minutes after being called.

During one of their many screaming exchanges something appears on the road. Slutty Mum Kathy manages to spin the car but still hit’s the object which turns out to be a wolf. Their own car is wrecked and they call a pick up truck, but meanwhile a slobbering P.O.V. shot is coming from the woods.

The mechanic soon arrives and as a betting men I told myself he had five minutes tops. Within about two he’s pulled under the truck and despite a spirited move to get more screen time he’s soon finished off.

The monster is slowly revealed as it terrorises our hapless heroes, who manage to call in reinforcements in the shape of an ambulance crew - sadly they are as much use as a cock flavoured lolly pop and it’s all down to wounded Mum and scared daughter to save the day.

This was a decent effort but ultimately it was too familiar to be regarded as anything special. They did avoid some monster movie tropes with cell phones working fine and the monster not being that camera shy. The film did however fall into the trap of being predictable with each ‘twist’ being signalled from many star systems away.

The opening narration of the little girl saying ‘Mummy says monsters aren’t real, but they are’ basically signalled the outcome from the off. I thought there might be an angle of the little girl having psychic abilities and was summoning the monster but it turned out it was just a big fragging monster that lived in the woods and liked attacking things.

The monster itself was decent but familiar if you have seen ‘Spawn’ or any of the alien films - basically wet leather and a lot of dribble.

The idea that monsters aren’t always the things you see was hammered home with flashbacks revealing that Dad was a dick too and Mum had her good moments. The lesson maybe that the monsters of your mind are the worst kind but frankly I’d be more weary of the big black thing that has ambulance crews for its supper.

The film was essentially a two hander between mother and daughter and there was too much screaming and wailing from both to have me give a toss for their fates.

It was decent fun to see a monster eat a variety of people but the weighty subtext lessened the effect for me. Be a monster pic or a problem people film - not both!

THE Tag Line - A Monster Hash 51%

No.147 : The Key (1983)

The Key at the IMDb

Frank Finlay, best known for playing the annoying Irish priest in ‘The Wild Geese’, stars in this 1983 film directed by smut auteur Tinto Brass.

It is listed in some places as pornography but if that’s your thing don’t bother - ‘The Benny Hill Show’  is far racier.

We open at a  New Year’s party for 1940 in Venice. The fascists are on the rise, and so no slow viewers fail to follow this plot point, the party is attended by Mussolini himself. Frank is more interested in the booze however, and playing grab ass with his shapely, but slightly frigid, wife. She doesn’t like his public displays of affection and insists on being taken home. She’s not so shy however when she is caught short and raises the level of the canals with a street piss that would make a race horse blush.

Frank is quite excited by this and gets all affectionate when they get home. An efficient lover, Frank is five pumps and done. Elsewhere Frank’s daughter is joining the Fascists and her fiancé  is having designs on Franks wife, a situation that turns Frank on, and makes him jealous at the same time.

Too shy to talk of such matters Frank starts to write a diary about all his seedy thoughts and leaves the key to his desk lying about so the wife can have a look. Of course she does and soon she is losing her inhibitions as she acts out Filthy Frank’s fantasies. Frank also gets hold of the world’s first Instamatic camera and, after drugging his wife, he gets lots of candid shots of her for his diary. The beast.

The wife is horrified by this invasion but also happy that he’s using the photographic skills of her daughter’s fiancé to develop the photos - that instant camera film was seemingly too expensive for Frank. The wife starts to take control and writes her own diary which Frank laps up, amongst other things.

All the excitement is causing Frank medical issues and his doctor says he needs to knock off the sex and drinking. Poor Frank he’s a ten a day man - and he likes a drink too! Unfortunately for Frank his wife’s blossoming is almost complete and, when she starts ordering him to wear her underwear we know things aren’t going to end well for  him. Probably took the mortician half an hour to get the smile off his face though!

This was a strange film and you have to wonder what market it is designed for. Clearly the marketing is for those who like their erotica but it’s really tame stuff. I also doubt that those who want to watch a nuanced film about a woman’s sexual awaking set against the backdrop of war aren’t going to be reaching to the top shelf.

The dialogue is half in English and half in Italian so a lot of the time you have no idea what’s going on. You do get helpful narration from Frank but it’s hard to take that filthy bastard seriously - especially when he dons the suspenders.

The setting of Venice is well used and you see a lot of  the city and people pissing on it. There are no familiar faces in the cast apart from Frank and it’s hard to tell if anyone is any good given they are all horrendously dubbed.

It may be the version on Amazon Prime is heavily cut but if it saved me half an hour of my life I’m grateful to them - plenty of other places to find your smut without having to listen to earnest dialogue about feelings. So I’ve heard.

Overall it was a worthless piece of whimsy trying to be something meaningful and failing badly. That said, it rumbled along fine with a few unintentional laughs to keep you entertained.

THE Tag Line : Frank Finlay Does Rocky Horror 53%

No.124 : The Hit (1984)

The Hit at the IMDb

This 1984 dark comedy drama directed by Stephen Frears had passed me by, but it’s well worth checking out not least for its stellar cast and sunny locations.

The film opens with Willy Parker (Terence Stamp) being bundled from a grotty flat and into a waiting car. We learn that he’s a London villain who has turned grass against his former colleagues. Once he has finished his testimony the court descends into chaos as a chorus of ‘We’ll Meet Again’ rises up. It transpires that despite saying to barrister Jim Broadbent that he has had no inducements to give evidence Willy has accepted a cushy package from the cops which allows his a comfortable life in Spain…Until now.

It’s not clear how Willy’s remote bolt hole is discovered after 10 years, but after a small fight he’s bagged and delivered to two hit men by four Spanish youths who get a briefcase of TNT for their trouble.

The hit men, played by Tim Roth and John Hurt, tell Willy that he has an appointment in Paris with the gangland boss he grassed up. Willy appears to be at peace with his fate, but he knows that a lot can change over a 700 mile drive.

Hurt’s hit man, Braddock, is cool and lethal and says little whilst Roth’s, Myron, is more excitable and chatty. He’s been brought along on his first job and Willy starts to sow seeds of dissent that start to fester between the two killers. Various mishaps cause them to alter their plans, including a detour to Madrid that sees them pick up sexy Spaniard, Maggie.

Their adventures across country keep feeding the police enough information to keep them hot on their trail and as the net closes it’s clear that not everyone will survive the journey.

This was an enjoyable film that kept me guessing and entertained throughout. Stamp is great, playing his cheeky Cockney persona to perfection. Despite his chequered past you do root for him throughout and his mind games with the bad guys worked well. Hurt is less believable as the stone killer hit man. I think he’s too slightly built to convey much menace and looks like you could blow him over most of the time. A bleached blonde Roth is OK as the trainee assassin but I wasn't convinced about his character’s arc.

The settings and direction were good and the filmed moved at a faster pace than the lethargic hit men. The ending was somewhat nihilistic but given what had gone before it was certainly earned.

THE Tag Line - Hits the Mark!

72%

No.95 : The Switch (2010)

The Switch at the IMDb

Poor old Jason Bateman - he does such good work in TV shows such as ‘Arrested Development’ and in movies like ‘Up in the Air’, ‘Extract’ and even ‘Identity Thief’ but sadly, every so often, he has to sign up to stuff like ‘The Switch’ to presumably pay the bills. The film isn’t terrible but it  is so unimaginative and forgettable that you’ll have cleared it from your mental cache as soon as the credits roll.

Bateman plays Wally Mars a likeable but slightly unusual New Yorker who has yet to meet the right woman. He’s no out and out weirdo but wears tank tops and is the choice of transient mentalists when walking the streets of the Big Apple. He is best friends with Jennifer Aniston, although there is no reason given why they are friends and not shagging - he’s not gay you see. They completely bypass the whole ‘When Harry Met Sally’ thing and have the relationship set at ‘platonic’ from the off.

We know he wants more from the relationship as Jennifer is so lovely, but apart from confiding in his boss, Jeff Goldblum, Jason does nothing to seal the deal. Jennifer however is worried that her biological clock is ticking and lines up a sperm donor in the shape of ‘Little Children’ and ‘Watchmen’s Patrick Wilson to supply the population paste.

She throws a tasteless insemination party where the donor and his wife along with a gaggle of friends show up to sell the man fat. Wilson does his duty into a cup but when Bateman finds the sample when he hits the toilet he decides that maybe his man paste is the product of choice. He forgets all in a drunken haze but we are given clues the next day when Goldblum recounts tales of a late night visits that suggests Wally has been generous with his muck.

We flash forward seven years and Aniston has decided to return to town following the birth and raising of her child in Montana. We know that Bateman is the likely daddy and when they meet up the boy’s introspective character certainly suggest he has child support payments in his future. Several unlikely scenarios serve to bring Bateman and the boy closer together but when Aniston reveals she’s started to date the alleged surrogate we have to wonder who is the daddy and who will end up with the frankly needy Jennifer.

This ‘Who’s the Daddy’ rom-com is OK but it is also undemanding and for the most part unfunny. The central relationship between the earnest and likeable Bateman and the flaky and unreliable Aniston is poorly formed and they have no chemistry whatsoever. That said it’s better than that between Wilson and Aniston which is totally devoid of any believability. The idea of a straight man having Jennifer as a best friend was feeble from the off and although they set him up as a tank top wearer it beggared belief that Bateman wouldn’t call her out early on for leading him on.

The first arc that leads up to the insemination was without laughs and not least because of Aniston’s friend, Juliette Lewis who can’t do comedy and who hasn’t had a decent role since ‘Strange Days’ - don’t come it, ‘Starsky & Hutch’ was rubbish!

‘Seven years later’ was a bit better due to the rapport between Bateman and the boy but the whole tacked on relationship with the surrogate seemed forced and unbelievable from the off. The three acts were clearly marked and when Aniston told Bateman she didn’t want to see him again an hour in you knew things were going to work out fine.

Overall there was nothing to offend or greatly dislike in ‘The Switch’ it just seemed a waste to produce something so formulaic and dull given the talent available.

THE Tag Line - More Fun With the Cup
57%

No.91 : The Oranges (2011)

The Oranges at the IMDb

Sorry fruit fans ; the title refers to the street in New Jersey where our characters live and most of the action takes place. Hold on though I’m pretty sure an apple and a banana make some uncredited appearances.

This romantic comedy isn’t demanding in the slightest and is almost more about manners and foibles in general than it is about any of the poorly sketched characters.

Our two principles are played by Hugh Laurie and Oliver Platt. Both are middle aged suburbanites with decaying marriages that they supplement with jogging and a fondness for gadgets. They socialise together with Laurie’s kids being Maybe Bluth off ‘Arrested Development’ and some lightweight drinker who is heading off to a trade mission to China. Platt has one daughter who is a free spirit living abroad with a surfer dude boyfriend.

The family don’t approve when she phones to says she’s engaged to the douche bag but no sooner than she hangs up the phone does she find him hanging out of some slapper. She returns to the family home for thanksgiving and the families are keen to pair her off with the trade delegate son. Alas he can’t hold his booze and when he passes out the strumpet heads over to Hugh’s man cave for some kissing action.

The next day the pair agree it was a mistake but soon end up kissing some more. Their plans are quickly undone when they are spotted by a nosey mother at a motel and they have to decide where to go from here. Hugh’s wife, the virgin deflowerer from ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’ moves out to a B&B and works things through with her choir and goat providing charity. Hugh has some awkward dates with his youthful love and the age gap becomes apparent when you get the usual scenes of ‘uh-oh maybe this wasn’t a good idea’. Speaking of Maybe she busies herself with doing the narration and little else.

Things come to a head over Christmas as the cheating boyfriend and the trade delegate show up leaving us with the quandary of who will end up with whom and whether they are all really happy .

This film could have been subtitles ‘First World Problems’ as a bunch of well to do yuppies bump uglies and work through issues. It was hard to care about any of them, even the wronged wife who just came across as a whiny moaner with a penchant for snowman murder.

Hugh Laurie played his usual self with no empathy on show. There was no obvious reason why he’s tear his life up for a skinnier version of Keira Knightly (if such as thing is possible!) especially as he and the girl had no chemistry whatsoever. Thankfully the bedroom action was kept to our imagination but there were quite a few kisses that went on a bit too long.

Oliver Platt was phoning his part in as the father of the slapper who liked gadgets. He did have some decent scenes but it was unclear why is daughter being a slut was a reason for the rebirth of his soul and libido. There were a couple of laughs with one discussion of Hugh Laurie’s aged balls the best.

I think this was a decent stab at a bit of whimsy with an indie soundtrack attempting to blare out cool credentials that the bouncer refused at the door. The intention may be to examine relationships and morays  but the result was just a lot of middle-aged people moaning a lot while the kids tried their best to keep up.

THE Tag Line - You Need to Work at Your Relationship (Film)
60%

No.89 : The Kentuckian (1955)

The Kentuckian at the IMDb

Burt Lancaster starred and directed this 1955 undemanding but overlong western.

He plays Big Eli, a frontiersman who feels civilisation has encroached too much onto his world and takes his son off on a quest to make a life in Texas where land is measured by your eye, not a rope and chain. Sadly this is easier said than done as low cost airlines are still some time away. Burt has saved up $215 to pay his passage and to secure some land. His boy is at the precocious age of being most annoying and Burt tells him he won’t be a man until he can blow a horn - don’t ask.

The pair soon encounter some small minded townsfolk who dislike Burt’s penchant for dog fighting. They slam him in the jail and he has to rely on a nice local lass for vitals. The girl, Hannah, is a kind of slave who is in servitude to her boss, who happens to be an abusive dick. She manages to free Burt, but his faithful dog leads the baddies to their campfire. Burt agrees to spend his whole bankroll on freeing the woman but even then still it seems cheap!

Burt arrives at his brother in law’s home and not surprisingly his hosts aren’t too impressed with his new purchase. The brother in law dislikes Burt’s lifestyle and presumably the coonskin cap he’s wearing, that no doubt stinks to high heaven. He tries to talk Burt out of his Texan dream and sets him up in a fancy suit and tries to teach him his tobacco selling business.

Burt however is more keen on Sophie, the local school teacher who is slightly hotter than Hannah but does come with the baggage of a crippled mother whom we only hear from up the stairs; and believe me she sounds a total nightmare. The boy however prefers Hannah and soon his own life is getting tougher as Dad’s mess ups cause him no end of high school hassles. Burt you see, has made a tit of himself as a freshwater pearl he found and sent to the President turns out to be worthless and send the whole town into fits of giggles.

Rather than lose face Burt decides to restore his bankroll and in an almost slapstick scene hustles some river boat gamblers by pretending to be a sucker with a large bag marked ‘$’. With his money now restored Burt has the choice of the ladies and of a life as a tobacco baron or as a Texan rancher. But wait! Walter Matthau and his handy whip may still have a part to play as will the boy’s horn.

This was an OK western but at approaching two hours it didn’t have enough meat on the bones to sustain the journey. Burt is a Daniel Boone type character rallying against the advancements society has made while he’s been rolling about in the dirt. His sage wisdom grated and his annoying son did nothing to help the viewer’s affections towards the pair. The women were mere chattels that Burt could pick and choose while they looked on with pathetic hopefulness. His big choice at the end was based on the burden of the mother in law more than the affection he felt for either woman, which makes him a stand up dude.

I did enjoy some aspects especially Walter Matthau’s character who was a sadistic bastard who was handy with the whip and the riverboat scene was good fun although totally out of kilter with the rest of the film.

All things considered the film wasn’t a hit but it did have enough elements to suggest a look if there’s nothing else on and your DVD player is broken.

THE Tag Line - Whip It Real Good
53%

No.76 : The Professionals (1966)

The Professionals at the IMDb

This is gonna be great - a big screen adaptation of the adventures of Bodie, Doyle and that bloke off the Fine Fare ads. What? 1966 western ? Buggeration!

This film had passed me by despite its stellar cast but it is a lot of fun and well worth a look.

The film opens with small vignettes featuring four characters from the early 20th century wild west. Lee Marvin is making a living demonstrating machine guns to the army, another chap works on a horse ranch and shows he’s a good guy by beating up a horse abuser. Elsewhere a chap who looks like Virgil off the wrestling is collecting a bounty while Burt Lancaster is hopping out of a lady’s bed in his long johns as her husband appears.

They appear unconnected but soon we are in a box car with Lee Marvin who is being offered a contract along side the two who aren’t Burt. Ralph Bellman (the rich guy who isn’t Don Amiche’ off ‘Trading Places’) offers a fat reward if they can return his wife from kidnappers. The Mexican revolutionaries who have her want $100,00 and although Ralph has the cash he doesn’t trust the gringos to return his wife when payment is made.

He’s picked Lee as he used to ride with the revolutionaries and knows their leader Raza (a moustache twirling Jack Palance). He agrees $10k a head and asks for an explosives expert to be hired too. Of course the expert is Burt who, when his bail is paid, has once again lost his clothes.

The guys set off into the badlands of Mexico and within an hour they are at the Mexican’s camp with a cunning plan. Things are complicated when the ‘kidnapped’ wife seems quite happy in Raza’s clutches but they grab her all the same and set off on the long journey home. This is fraught with danger and it’s not clear who’ll survive or what will transpire at the showdown when the rewards are due. They are ‘Professionals’ right? Surely they’ll take the cash from the evil rich guy?

This was a fun two hours with wall to wall recognisable faces. The performances vary but Marvin and Lancaster are true stars who shine in every scene. Lancaster especially exudes charm and is happy to take the less glamorous but easily most fun role of the clothes shy Dolworth. Marvin exudes his usual quiet menace and Palance is fine although most of his dialogue is yelled in Spanish.

The film looks great in HD and is as sharp as something shot yesterday. The familiar red rock of Arizona never looked better and the action scenes are well staged with plenty of blood and bullets flying. The plot is a bit straightforward with the big surprise signalled as soon as the rescued  wife offer to tend someone’s wounds - she’s nice, you see. They do try to tack on some stuff about the morality of a hired gun and your debt to brothers in arms, but ultimately what you remember is loads of Mexicans getting shot off their horses.

The film doesn’t take itself too seriously and although you won’t learn much about the revolution you will have a good couple of hours in the company of some great, long lost talent. You couldn’t see Zac Efron doing this!

THE Tag Line - Professional Job All Round  75%

No.66 : The Bravados (1958)

The Bravados on IMDb

Gregory Peck and Joan Collins are the unlikely stars of this 1958 colour western.

Peck plays Jim Douglas, a rancher with revenge in mind. We open with him approaching a small town and being warned off by a guard - the sheriff don’t want no strangers in town, see. Despite this warm welcome Peck finagles his way in after the sheriff marks him down as a pervert with a thing for hangings. The small town is having a four man hanging event the next day and all they need is the travelling hangman to show up so the show can go ahead.

Peck offers to help out but is soon boozing in the bar with Joan Collins. Collins looking well senior of her actual 25 years at the time of filming is an old flame of Peck's and is disappointed to hear that he’s married with a child. Slowly we learn that our man is a widower and that the four men due to be hung are those he has marked as responsible. With the hangman now arrived things should go smoothly - but wait! While the townsfolk, including a reluctant Peck, are at church the bogus hangman springs the four bad guys and the chase is on.

Peck organises the posse and soon they start to catch up with the felons. The bad guys make the classic mistake of splitting up, and it doesn’t take long for the remorseless Peck to thin their number to one. Can he put to rest his demons, and are his motivations just and indeed correct?

This is an enjoyable western that doesn’t attempt to do anything new with the genre. The jail break and chase are all you’d expect with some brutality from Peck notwithstanding. His moral ambiguity towards the end is in sharp counterpoint to the cheering townsfolk who care little about what exactly the bad guys did just as long as they did something.

Peck is excellent as the driven Douglas and looks to be doing his own stunt riding and lasso work. He cuts a mean figure in black and he’s pretty no nonsense with the pleading bad guys. His mask slips towards the end as the doubts set in but at least he’s rewarded with the lovely Joan who seems very keen.

Joan’s character is ill defined and it’s not clear if she’s meant to be American or English - or indeed Spanish as she shows up for church in a red flamenco dress. Her acting is consistent throughout - consistently awful that is. She doesn’t convince at any level and looks like a refugee from a make up commercial who wandered on set. Her emotions go from ‘Just let them go’ to ‘Kill them all’ in literally one scene and it’s not hard to see why her career floundered for many years, until she started taking her clothes off.

Of the remaining cast there wasn’t a lot standing out apart from a young Lee Van Cleef who wasn’t quite at his moustache twirling best. The horny escapee didn’t convince nor did their purty hostage who did little more than scream a lot.

The locations were fantastic and used to great effect in some panning shots that showed the difficulties the trackers faced.

The big reveal at the end was signalled from the off but if you watch this as a simple ‘posse’ film you’ll enjoy it, although I doubt it will stay long in the memory.

THE Tag Line - Kill ‘em all and let God sort them out - 68%

No.64 : The Impossible (2012)

The Impossible on IMDb

If you want to see a bunch of manky people splashing about in some fetid water you could drop in at the open day at Springburn baths or, if you prefer, watch ‘The Impossible’.

The film is set around the 2004 tsunami and its aftermath. Although it claims to a true story the film uses typical Hollywood licence with the real life family of Spaniards replaced by the far more glamorous Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts.

We open as our two heroes and their three screaming kids head off to a Christmas holiday in Thailand. The foreshadowing looms large with the kids all saying they hate each other and Naomi losing a page out of her book. It doesn’t stop there and once they arrive the boy is denied a Coke and we catch a glimpse of Mum’s boob as she dons her swimsuit. Remember these points dear reader, they’ll be referenced later and we’ll all say ‘Oh that’s a bit ironic’.

The family are soon holed up in their beach resort and enjoy a carefree Christmas - but beware! those musical cues over the sea suggest a malevolent presence lurking beneath the waves. Soon the men folk are enjoying playing with their new ball in the pool and Naomi loses a page out of her book (remember that from paragraph three!). She chases it down but notes the pane of glass it’s stuck to is vibrating. The birds leave the trees and a rumble is heard. Of course it’s the tsunami - I mean that’s hardly a spoiler seeing as it’s in the trailer.

The big wave hits and the family are scattered. We initially follow Naomi who after getting bumped about a bit soon catches up with her most irritating child, Lucas. The pair trudge out of the water and after Mum’s newly exposed boob (another one!) is hastily put away, they try to find help. Selfish Lucas is taught about the need to help people and they harvest a small blond moppet with a hair fixation. The trio struggle to an overrun hospital and Naomi’s leg is looking a bit dodgy.

Focus then shifts to Ewan who has also ridden the wave to safety. He has hooked up with the other two boys; so we are all alive and all that is needed is the inevitable reunion, but wait - there’s still an hour to go! To fill the gap we need a few more setbacks so Naomi goes missing  and then the two found boys get lost too. Can the whole clan be reunited? Of course, but it may take some time…

I didn’t really fancy this film on hearing about it, thinking it’d be a TV movie of the week exploiting a natural disaster for a mawkish human interest story. In truth it was, but it was better than I’d expected. Definite heroes Ewan (The Ghost) and Naomi (The International) do well in what is clearly a bill paying exercise for them.

The plot is basic and linear with few surprises and lots of false starts. Several times we get ‘Oh no he’s just missed him’ moments as the characters’ paths almost cross without them seeing their nearest and dearest.

The highlight is definitely the special effects with the tsunami realised in cracking detail with the scale and magnitude of the disaster plain to see. The budget is wisely invested here with savings made on the script and Naomi’s make up, which sees her looking like an extra from ‘Dawn of the Dead’ towards the end.

At two hours every emotional possibility is wrung for all it’s worth, but the outcome is never in doubt. There is some jarring product placements “Zurich insurance have arranged a flight home and top class medical care”! but overall it’s enjoyable true life drama, albeit drama wrung through the Hollywood cookie cutter.

THE Tag line : Wave the Oscars good bye!  64%