No.237 : The Hitcher (2007)

 

The Hitcher (2007) at the IMDb

Why bother with classic Definite Article films when there’s a crappy remake to look over? I’ve not seen the Rutger Hauer version in ages, but I remember it to be a slow burn, with subtle malevolent terror building before a satisfying climax. This remake had none of that but it did have a man being pulled apart by a truck and an non-exploding helicopter.

Our hero couple are Grace and Jim. They are headed across country for spring break, with their early character traits being he’s a bit of a douche and she likes going to the toilet a lot. The opening credits meander along for ages as they slowly leave the city and head into New Mexico where the roads are quiet and the filming incentives seemingly quite generous.

They narrowly avoid hitting a man hitching for a lift by his broken down car and drive off as he approaches them for assistance. This seems a wise move but they then stop at a local gas station as she needs the toilet - again! Inevitably the hitchhiker catches up with them and don’t you know it, it’s good old affable Sean Bean. Jim agrees to take Sean to a nearby hotel despite Grace giving him the stink eye for offering - well Bean is notorious for hogging the stereo.

Grace’s misgivings prove correct when Sean, after asking after the couple’s sex life, pulls a knife and a struggle ensures. The couple manage to kick Sean out of their fast moving car but unfortunately for them they have already divulged their travel plans and he has Grace‘s old Nokia phone.

As you’d probably guess he stalks their every move, with their car soon getting totalled after a failed attempt to warn a family about Sean’s stabbing ways. The two continue on foot and are soon picked up by the police. Safety at last! Not really, as Sean Terminators his way through the whole station causing our kids to flee into the wilderness. After some more gratuitous blood letting the police, with their leader Neil McDonough , arrest our pair as Sean has cleverly framed them.

Sean doesn’t want to leave the film however, so he explodes all the police cars and a helicopter (off screen) and again our kids are fighting for their lives. How many more must die? Can the scriptwriter be next?!

This was a total waste of time and derivative trash but it will probably raise the odd smile with you as it did with me. It is so ridiculous and over the top it was no surprise to see Michael Bay’s name in the credits. There is a great scene where Sean roars up in his black Trans-am and takes on three fully laden cop cars and a helicopter. Unfortunately for the police their cars weren’t fitted with gravity as they immediately start flying in the air as Sean pops his pistol at them.

Bean is a decent actor but he lacks the presence of Rutger and his character’s lack of backstory just made him dull rather than enigmatic. The two leads were forgettable with the girl especially poor as she tried to kick ass with a shotgun but only managed to pull off ‘slightly daft looking’ instead.

There were plenty of killings and gore if that’s your thing, but for me it was a bit too on the nose with Bean being a force of nature, killing everyone with a single shot whilst being invulnerable himself.

This one pales next to the original, but as a throwaway on Amazon Prime it does have its moments and doesn’t ask too much of you as it delivers them.

The Tag Line : Give It a Ride!  55%

No.176 : The Tournament (2009)

The Tournament at the IMDb

30 of the world’s best assassins converge every 7 years (despite it saying ten on that poster) and have a last man standing free for all with the winner getting $10 million. We witness the end of the previous event and now the Tournament is happening again - and this time it’s in, er, Middlesbrough. God knows why - maybe a council grant or something?

Ving Rhames is defending champion - he’s not back because he’s pissed the prize money away - he’s back for revenge as one of the participants killed his wife. He must have had a late flight however as he doesn’t show up until we are about halfway through.

We follow the fortunes of Kelly Hu who is sexy and deadly. Not much personality, but you can’t have everything. She hooks up with innocent (!) priest Robert Carlyle who is having a crisis of faith and is also a target after another competitor fed him his tracking chip, meaning the pissed up priest is fair game.

Meanwhile the action is being monitored by a room of clichés; rich gamblers like the loud Texan and sinister Orientals who have bets on the outcome. Middlesbrough has loads of CCTV that the baddies can hack into, so our gamblers can get their thrills. It also seems to have no police or many civilians at all.

We get various face offs between contestants including that French bloke who does parkour and a nutty American who we don’t like as he kills a dog. Soon the numbers are whittled down, especially after a bloody encounter in a strip joint.

As you would expect it’s comes down to our three principals - who will win…The Tournament?! Not the audience, that’s for sure!

This was actually a decent offering if you have parked your brain and are just seeking shoot ‘em up thrills. It was a mistake to make Carlyle’s priest so prominent as his crisis of faith was just dull and it beggared belief that a top assassin would take him under her wing.

The action sequences were decent with the big motorway finale well choreographed. They do seem to have a lot of crappy old cars in Middlesbrough though - just as well as they all get blown up.

There was little in the way of characterisation with Rhames especially phoning it in. Hu was lovely but her dialogue was a bit stilted and I wasn’t buying her hard ass rep. Of the under card you get your usual cavalcade of psychos and exotics with snipers, grenade chuckers and one chap with a rocket launcher all adding a bit of colour - mostly red.

The film does lose momentum in the last third with the showdown and ending all being somewhat predictable. It was decent enough but you can see why there wasn’t enough to kick-start a franchise here.

THE Tag Line - Everyone is a loser in the Tournament 58%

No.172 : The Martian (2015)

The Martian at the IMDb

As my regular reader will attest we’re not fans of the tent pole film here at the Definitive Article Movie Blog. We avoid the obvious and search out the niche films that you’ve never hear of, or have no interest in ever seeking out. We don’t deal in absolutes however, so I thought we’d have a look at ‘The Martian’ which has become my favourite Definite Article film.

Quiet at the back! We’ve never covered ‘The Shining’ or ‘The Warriors’ and on a Google search on the highest profile IMDb film that we’ve reviewed, the result the passable but hardly stellar ‘The Impossible’; so why ‘The Martian’? Well, it’s just so damn good and immersive. I must have watched it about four times and every time I’ve been suckered in early on, on E4+1 or similar and stayed for the duration. It’s like ‘Clear and Present Danger’ in that its structure demands you watch for just another five minutes, and another and another and before you know it, two hours have passed, and your pizza has dried up.

The film is based on Andy Weir’s book which I read and enjoyed having watched the film. The book is superior in that it delves deeper into the science and avoids the large gaps that the film inevitably has to, to ensure a two hour run time. The film is however a triumph in translating the book and in making the science accessible. I just hope that one day they release a ten hour version of the film so that all the tiny details can be explored.

Anyway, Matt Damon plays Mark Watney, a botanist astronaut who is accidentally left behind on Mars after he’s thought dead when a storm causes his crew to evacuate in a hurry. He survives though after his blood and an aerial spike block the hole that stabbed him through his health monitor and caused his crew to think him dead. His quandary is that he has no way to contact NASA and it will be four years before a rescue mission can be sent, and he only has food for one. His resolution is to science the shit out of things and he proceeds to do so in a variety of plausible if slightly fortunate ventures, that include salvaging the ancient Pathfinder equipment that is luckily close by.

That’s not to say its an easy ride, as the harvesting of a crop of potatoes takes the best part of an hour with every success well earned and enjoyed by the audience. Meanwhile back on earth a cavalcade of celebrities, including Jeff Daniels and Kristen Wiig, try to came up with a way to bring our man home against a soundtrack of disco favourites.

Towards the end the progress is on fast forward somewhat with Watney’s 3600 mile journey to the new launch site and his trip back to earth covered with indecent haste. I imagine the editor must have had a nightmare though, as the early work in setting the challenges had to be offset with the eventual payoffs.

I liked the NASA stuff with the internal politics and budget concerns as much a threat as Martian storms and potato blight. Some bits were a bit on the nose with Donald Glover’s explaining a slingshot to NASA bigwigs seeming somewhat unlikely - I’ve heard of them and I’ve only seen Star Trek. Director Ridley Scott was obviously aware of the need to keep his audience informed and for that reason I can accept the conceit.

I always enjoy the crew of the Hermes scenes the most with the camaraderie and the unquestioning sacrifice for a lost colleague the kind of stuff that always gives me the gulps. Who knows in the real world if they would risk the lives of many and spend the billions of dollars to give one man another what? 50 odd years at most? I’m glad they did in the film - the scenes of the crew being reunited and the world gasping as one were excellent, and as big a ‘oh yeah’ as when Rocky Balboa chopped the big Russian down.

Well done ‘The Martian’ your definitive crown is well earned.

THE Tag Line : A Mars for 581 days will help you work,rest and make a good film  -  90%

No.90 : The Specialist (1994)

The Specialist at The IMDb

 It’s not often we cover tent pole release films here at The Definite Article Movie Blog but sometimes they show up on ITV4 and you have to justify why you are watching when the shower scene comes on.

You probably saw this film, like I did when, it came out in 1994 but if you haven’t seen it lately beware - it’s dated worse than Hugh Hefner in flares.

Sly Stallone stars as Ray an explosives expert who may be all broody or just a bit slow. Suffice it so say he needs several puffs on his huge cigar before his words of wisdom are slurred out - I blame that Apollo Creed. We meet Ray back in the old days when he and James Woods are a couple of black-ops guys taking on the cartels. Sly has a conscience and when the drug lord shows up on the rigged to explode bridge with his daughter he tries to stop the death fest. Woods on the other hand is a bastard (who follows orders, it has to be said) and pistol whips Sly when his attempted rescue fails like his bid to defeat Clubber Lang (in the first fight).

The two part on bad terms but we know the daft looking flashback with the aging actors pretending to be young has to suggest their paths will cross again. We move to present day Miami and Sly is in contact with a mysterious woman we know to be Sharon Stone. She’s trying to get Sly to kill three men who killed her pop when she was a little girl. Sly is cautious and conducts all his business on the phone using the first laptop in history to get his messages.

Sharon can’t wait for Sly (despite hanging about 40 years to start her plan) and tries to get inside the bad guys’ gang by dating slimy Eric Roberts who ordered her dad’s killing. Sly watches on as Roberts plays grabby hands with Sharon and eventually agrees to take on the hits.  He takes out the two henchmen first alerting Roberts to his existence and causing him to hire James Woods from that earlier paragraph. As Sly prepares his hit on Roberts we learn that he and Sharon and Woods have a plan of their own to trap Ray - but has Sharon fallen for the punch drunk pyromaniac?

Soon the pieces start to fall into place and Sly falls into Sharon - can the pair trust each other and get away from the increasingly overacting Woods and grieving Rod Steiger?

This is a gawd awful effort of a film but you have to say some of that is down to the dated fashions, technology and Kenny G soundtrack that has a wailing sax in every scene. There is however some stuff you can't excuse such as Sly doing tai-chi in his pants to a power ballad intercut with Sharon flouncing about in her nighty. If they were trying for ‘sexy’ they got stuck on ‘laughable’.

The film does try to have an almost film noir feel with moody glances and a sense that the characters are doomed or at least a bit troubled. The truth is they largely look like they’ve been on a frenzy of steroids and shoulder pads before finding out that the acting school has been burnt down.

Sly is pretty much as you’d expect and he does have some moments including one where he takes the bus (?) and beats up a gang of rowdies for no apparent reason. Stone is dreadful as the wronged daughter seeking revenge and she’s way too old for Eric Roberts who is meant to be at least 20 years her senior but looks more like her young son. Poor old Rod Steiger shows up in a dreadful role as a maniacal Mafia boss and he may be playing it for laughs, I couldn’t tell. Worst was Woods who as an explosives expert he makes a convincing actor who needs a new agent.

The explosions and sex scenes may garner this turkey pass marks but it is about as involving and affecting and finding out that your newspaper is missing its promised ‘Investing in Kazakhstan’ supplement.

THE Tag Line - It’s about an hour or so in..       54%

No.87 : The Revengers (1972)

The Revengers at the IMDb

I’m not sure that ‘revengers’ is a word, and certainly my spellchecker doesn’t think so, but if it is a made up word at least it’s one that tells you what to expect. Yes people seeking, if not always getting, some revenge - western style.

William Holden plays Mr Benedict, an ageing rancher who returns to his family after business away. He’s a firm but fair father and has brought presents for all. Things are looking up as the army has offered his son a place at West Point owing to Benedict being a Civil War hero. As you’d anticipate this five minutes of contented bliss is shattered when bandits kill all his family while he’s away hunting a mountain lion. The bad guys are mostly Indians but they also have two white men in their ranks, one of whom has a distinctive milky eye.

Benedict takes the time to bury the five murdered family members before setting off on a mission to kill all the men who have condemned him to lonely Christmas dinners. He gets some clues and realises that as the bad guys are holed up in a notorious trouble spot that he’ll need to hire some guns. Rather than go to a bar or other desperado hangout he heads to a prison camp where he recruits six colourful characters including Ernest Borgnine (last seen in ‘The Vikings’) and a German and a Frenchman. If this sounds like the beginning of a bad joke you are quicker on the uptake than me!

Our trusting hero kits his now fugitive felons in new clothes and gives them guns and horses. It is no surprise when they all bugger off apart from the loyal black chap, but for no obvious reason they all return the next day having drunk and spunked away all their cash. They are soon ready to launch an assault on the bad guys’ base and manage to infiltrate it with an unlikely ruse regarding empty boxes. They shoot the place up but old Milky Eye gets away.

Not one to give up, Benedict chases after his man and is soon followed by his petulant posse who show an unbelievable streak of loyalty. A montage shows a year passing with all our guys still together - the Milky Eye bandit must be the World Hide and Seek Champion at this rate! Things start to fray and after a shocking bar room showdown they go their separate ways. While Benedict recovers with an Oirish lovely, his men start to catch up over some red eye. Can a new tip lead them to their quarry and will revenge be best served extremely cold?

This was as straightforward a western as you can imagine. Benedict is set up as happy and then revenge driven in the first ten minutes, and after that it’s basically ‘The Fugitive’ in cowboy hats. The locations and cinematography were great but the characterisation was lacking with the main bad guy barely getting a word in during his couple of brief scenes. OK this was an exercise in assessing the benefits of revenge and what it can do to people, but when the final showdown appeared I doubt any watcher was urging Holden to pull the trigger.

There was one clumsy scene where an old friend catches up with Benedict a year into his quest and says he’s now a stranger to him. He also is repulsed by a bloodstained bottle and retreats into one of his own. I get it that a bloodlust isn’t necessarily a good thing, but the character’s struggles with his dilemma didn’t convince.

On a more positive note the posse of six prisoners was good fun and they were grotty enough to be a ‘dirty half dozen’. Their motivations were mixed and I liked the self interest of Borgnine’s Mr Hoop, the only one who seemed realistic,. The rest looked like they were hanging about as they’d nothing better to do apart from one who, in a pointless sub plot, thought he might be Benedict’s long lost son.

The final battle was well staged with plenty of explosions and people falling off horses, as you’d expect. The final confrontation didn’t surprise but neither did the film in general so at least it was consistent!

Best Bit : Translator works from Hungarian phrasebook  64%

No.76 : The Professionals (1966)

The Professionals at the IMDb

This is gonna be great - a big screen adaptation of the adventures of Bodie, Doyle and that bloke off the Fine Fare ads. What? 1966 western ? Buggeration!

This film had passed me by despite its stellar cast but it is a lot of fun and well worth a look.

The film opens with small vignettes featuring four characters from the early 20th century wild west. Lee Marvin is making a living demonstrating machine guns to the army, another chap works on a horse ranch and shows he’s a good guy by beating up a horse abuser. Elsewhere a chap who looks like Virgil off the wrestling is collecting a bounty while Burt Lancaster is hopping out of a lady’s bed in his long johns as her husband appears.

They appear unconnected but soon we are in a box car with Lee Marvin who is being offered a contract along side the two who aren’t Burt. Ralph Bellman (the rich guy who isn’t Don Amiche’ off ‘Trading Places’) offers a fat reward if they can return his wife from kidnappers. The Mexican revolutionaries who have her want $100,00 and although Ralph has the cash he doesn’t trust the gringos to return his wife when payment is made.

He’s picked Lee as he used to ride with the revolutionaries and knows their leader Raza (a moustache twirling Jack Palance). He agrees $10k a head and asks for an explosives expert to be hired too. Of course the expert is Burt who, when his bail is paid, has once again lost his clothes.

The guys set off into the badlands of Mexico and within an hour they are at the Mexican’s camp with a cunning plan. Things are complicated when the ‘kidnapped’ wife seems quite happy in Raza’s clutches but they grab her all the same and set off on the long journey home. This is fraught with danger and it’s not clear who’ll survive or what will transpire at the showdown when the rewards are due. They are ‘Professionals’ right? Surely they’ll take the cash from the evil rich guy?

This was a fun two hours with wall to wall recognisable faces. The performances vary but Marvin and Lancaster are true stars who shine in every scene. Lancaster especially exudes charm and is happy to take the less glamorous but easily most fun role of the clothes shy Dolworth. Marvin exudes his usual quiet menace and Palance is fine although most of his dialogue is yelled in Spanish.

The film looks great in HD and is as sharp as something shot yesterday. The familiar red rock of Arizona never looked better and the action scenes are well staged with plenty of blood and bullets flying. The plot is a bit straightforward with the big surprise signalled as soon as the rescued  wife offer to tend someone’s wounds - she’s nice, you see. They do try to tack on some stuff about the morality of a hired gun and your debt to brothers in arms, but ultimately what you remember is loads of Mexicans getting shot off their horses.

The film doesn’t take itself too seriously and although you won’t learn much about the revolution you will have a good couple of hours in the company of some great, long lost talent. You couldn’t see Zac Efron doing this!

THE Tag Line - Professional Job All Round  75%