No.242 : The Package (2018)

 The Package at the IMDb

This is our second ‘The Package’ following the Dolph Lundgren/Steve Austin action thriller.  That was dreadful, but amazingly this effort manages to be even worse. Worse than a film starring a wrestler and Ivan Drago? You bet.

To be honest the signs were there early on - the film has emojis in the title with the aubergine being a substitute for a penis. Well you couldn’t lower the tone on your vulgar teen gross out comedy could you?

There is hardly a plot to speak of, but basically someone slices their cock off on a camping trip and it’s up to his friends to get him reunited with his pecker before reattachment surgery becomes unviable.

There are two young couples and some tiresome dynamics in play. They are horny teens but privileged ones with nice houses and fancy cars. One boy likes a girl but she has a douchebag boyfriend. Another is a pale ginger boy who is very annoying and compensates for his virginal state by being a complete asshole to all concerned. 

For reasons too dull to go into, the group go on a camping trip and the Navajo boy with the long black hair decides to play with his flick knife whilst having a midnight piss. He slices off his cock and is airlifted away by the air ambulance, sans John Thomas. His friends pack up the camp site and manage to find the mangled manhood. They learn it has 12 hours left before surgery won’t be possible so they try to get the pecker and plonker reunited via a variety of adventures involving stealing boats and dealing with crazed ex-military types. After an hour they get the Johnston to the hospital and the surgery is a success. But wait! There’s half an hour left so it’s discovered the cock has been sown onto the wrong man whose own member was severed by his mental wife who is still on the prowl. 

All the while romantic subplots are developing with one lad texting the girl he likes’ boyfriend to call it off. Will his subterfuge be found out and does she like him anyway? We need to know! Will the cock be reattached and will the horny teens end up with a nice big kiss?

This was a tacky and tasteless film and whilst that’s normally my go to, this was just plain awful. Every single character was a smug teen you wouldn’t tire of punching. The whole joke is that they have a loose cock to take care of, so inevitably it gets lost, puked on, bitten by a snake and then sucked off. The stunt cock is quite realistic but there are only so many ways a bunch of dildos can interact with a fake dobber and for it to be amusing.

There were perhaps two smiles but both were the same gag with someone taking over a man's TV with porn by hijacking their wi-fi. Apart from that it was dick this and penis that for an hour and a half. If I wanted that I’d watch the Tory party conference - little bit of politics there.

If you like your films mindless and unfunny you’re onto a winner here; and if cock jokes are your thing, then you’ve hit the mother lode.

THE Tag Line : Don’t Unwrap The Package 35%

No.227 : The Sand (2015)

 

The Sand at the IMDb

You know that TV show ‘Floor is Lava’? Well this film is basically that, with the floor being sand and to step in it is to risk a poor CGI demise.

The film opens with a bunch of frat kids having a beach party. I was concerned this may be a found footage affair as the first five minutes are basically jerky camcorder shots of teens doing shots and chugging beer. At one point they find a large slimy ball that looks for all the world like a testicle. They don’t pay it much heed but it couldn’t have been a more obvious plot device if it had ‘McGuffin’ written all over it.

Next morning the kids start to wake up. Four are in a car, two in a lifeguard station and one chap is in a barrel with a dick drawn on his face. Our lead girl Kaylee, sees a seagull get eaten by the sand, or to be more correct she sees it digitally erased, and immediately comes to the conclusion that the sand is alive and no one can step on it. Everyone takes this daft notion seriously, especially as teens start to be devoured by the hungry sand.

The ’monster’ isn’t clear from the start and takes the form of wispy tendrils that raise up from the stand and grab whomever it can. The majority of the film is then taken up with various plans to escape the threat. Things like building bridges out of wood and surfboards move the players about a bit and there is a sub plot about some one shagging another girl’s boyfriend, but essentially it’s just a poor excuse for having attractive young people slowly picked off by an unseen threat.

Salvation appears in the form of a disbelieving beach patrol guard but he’s soon killed off for disbelieving the kids and for being too old. Eventually we are down to four players and the monster is starting to reveal itself. Who will survive their day at the beach?

I saw this mess on Amazon Prime where it was tagged as a horror comedy. There were laughs to be fair, but they were of the ridiculous nature and seemingly unintended. The threat wasn’t discussed or explored, with only the testicle egg appearing split in half offering any  suggesting that the enemy may be of  extra terrestrial origin. Later on when it grew some tentacles it was a bit bolder but was less scary than when it was an unknown. That may be down to the quality of the CGI however, the software for which looked like it came from the cover of a magazine called ‘Shit CGI for Your Vic-20’ from the 80s.

The cast were uniformly awful but were serviced by some terrible dialogue “I don’t wanna die with a dick on my face” cried one - I hear you brother! The paper thin plot was like an unused 20 minute segment of ‘Creepshow’ stretched, beyond breaking point, to feature length.

Of course if watching some near teens cavorting about in their swimwear avoiding mild peril is your thing, you could probably do worse. More so if you like nitpicking your way through some terrible kills, massive plot holes and risible special effects. If however you’d prefer a decent film, I’d suggest that you look elsewhere.

Best Bit : Overacting Beach Patrol Man 40%