No.228 : The Outpost (2020)

 

The Outpost at the IMDb

This film likes its captions. You get a few screens of scene setting information before the film starts, telling the viewer about the base in question, located in darkest Afghanistan. They tells us that an analyst described it as a place where no one would survive an attack and then you get a caption telling you about every character and location within the camp. Frankly it got a bit distracting and there was no way I was going to remember the names of the twenty odd captioned characters anyway.

Fair enough the film is “Based on a True Story” so authenticity is important, but show, don’t tell! Anyway the film is basically a modern day ‘Zulu’ with an out numbered group of American soldiers facing off against the Taliban legions who besiege their poorly positioned camp.

The film opens with random insurgents taking post shots at the base. The American mortars take care of the threat and head honcho Orlando Bloom, dusting off his ‘Black Hawk Down’ accent, goes about his business of running the camp. He has the usual misfits to deal with but soon has other things on his mind like a severe lack of roads. With Orlando out of the picture a new officer takes charge and his guided tour gives us another chance to reacquaint ourselves with all details of the camp and staff - I was worried that there was going to be a test!

After half an hour, with visits to the local tribes going well, with some rifles surrendered, we know it’s all about to kick off big style. We meet with the five commanders of the base over the course of the film with their section predictably introduced with a caption.

The headline battle starts about an hour into the film and lasts pretty much to the end. It is stirring stuff with acts of heroism shown alongside cowardice and multiple explosions. Some of the characters we meet don’t make it and others step up in the face of adversity. I didn’t know of this battle before watching the film so it was genuinely exciting although I did have a good idea how things would pan out.

Overall this was an good film that borrowed from several better films. Most military clichés were trotted out with things like the worrier overcoming his doubts and the old favoutites of getting ammo to the front and the taking out of a troublesome sniper all present and correct. They even had that bit out of ‘Saving Private Ryan’ where Hanks’ pistol blows up a tank and then he realises that the explosion was in fact the result of his long awaited air strike.

The action cost the lives of eight US servicemen and untold numbers of Taliban cannon fodder. It therefore didn’t have the body count of many other war films and they did well to have you invest in the characters with a long preamble. The closing captions (natch) outlined that the base was an accident waiting to happen but that didn’t detract from the brave actions of the soldiers, with those killed in action being shown in photos  as their true selves along side footage of the actors who portrayed them.

Like ‘Blackhawk Down’ the film depicted what would probably be described as a bad day for the military, but the spirit and sacrifice of the men made it a positive experience.

The Afghan action was actually filmed in Bulgaria but no expense was spared in terms of the spectacle and destruction depicted on screen. It may not be the best war film you’ll see but it was a worthy one, with great action and a lot of information given to keep you informed. Maybe even too much!

THE Tag Line : Zulu 2 : The Afghan Years  68%

No.227 : The Sand (2015)

 

The Sand at the IMDb

You know that TV show ‘Floor is Lava’? Well this film is basically that, with the floor being sand and to step in it is to risk a poor CGI demise.

The film opens with a bunch of frat kids having a beach party. I was concerned this may be a found footage affair as the first five minutes are basically jerky camcorder shots of teens doing shots and chugging beer. At one point they find a large slimy ball that looks for all the world like a testicle. They don’t pay it much heed but it couldn’t have been a more obvious plot device if it had ‘McGuffin’ written all over it.

Next morning the kids start to wake up. Four are in a car, two in a lifeguard station and one chap is in a barrel with a dick drawn on his face. Our lead girl Kaylee, sees a seagull get eaten by the sand, or to be more correct she sees it digitally erased, and immediately comes to the conclusion that the sand is alive and no one can step on it. Everyone takes this daft notion seriously, especially as teens start to be devoured by the hungry sand.

The ’monster’ isn’t clear from the start and takes the form of wispy tendrils that raise up from the stand and grab whomever it can. The majority of the film is then taken up with various plans to escape the threat. Things like building bridges out of wood and surfboards move the players about a bit and there is a sub plot about some one shagging another girl’s boyfriend, but essentially it’s just a poor excuse for having attractive young people slowly picked off by an unseen threat.

Salvation appears in the form of a disbelieving beach patrol guard but he’s soon killed off for disbelieving the kids and for being too old. Eventually we are down to four players and the monster is starting to reveal itself. Who will survive their day at the beach?

I saw this mess on Amazon Prime where it was tagged as a horror comedy. There were laughs to be fair, but they were of the ridiculous nature and seemingly unintended. The threat wasn’t discussed or explored, with only the testicle egg appearing split in half offering any  suggesting that the enemy may be of  extra terrestrial origin. Later on when it grew some tentacles it was a bit bolder but was less scary than when it was an unknown. That may be down to the quality of the CGI however, the software for which looked like it came from the cover of a magazine called ‘Shit CGI for Your Vic-20’ from the 80s.

The cast were uniformly awful but were serviced by some terrible dialogue “I don’t wanna die with a dick on my face” cried one - I hear you brother! The paper thin plot was like an unused 20 minute segment of ‘Creepshow’ stretched, beyond breaking point, to feature length.

Of course if watching some near teens cavorting about in their swimwear avoiding mild peril is your thing, you could probably do worse. More so if you like nitpicking your way through some terrible kills, massive plot holes and risible special effects. If however you’d prefer a decent film, I’d suggest that you look elsewhere.

Best Bit : Overacting Beach Patrol Man 40%

No.226 : The Yards (2000)

 

The Yards at the IMDb

You may have thought that E.U. rules would have demanded that this film be renamed ‘The Metres’ but fear not - the yards referred to are train yards, rather than units of measurement.

The film opens with a young looking Markie Mark heading home to Queens from a stint in prison. He was actually 29 when this was made and is the same age as me so it must just be a good vintage.

His family has a party for him and he is collared by his parole officer who needs him to get a job. He meets with his uncle James Caan who suggests a two year apprenticeship so that he can get a proper job. Not fancying this Markie hooks up with his friend Jaoquin Phoenix who works for Caan and seems to have loads of cash. He also has Markie’s old flame Charlize heron as a girlfriend.

Jaoquin explains that he is a fixer who wins contracts for Caan’s train fitting business. Of course this is done by way of bribes and smashing up his opposition’s rolling stock. He takes Markie along on a job that sees the yard manager refuse to play ball which results in Jaoquin stabbing him to death. Meanwhile altered by the alarm pressed by the yard manager a cop confronts Markie about his presence in the yard after dark. After a scuffle the cop is in a coma and sharp focus is drawn on the antics of Cann’s outfit and in the train tendering process in general.

Things deteriorate for Markie after he chickens out of finishing off the now conscious cop in his hospital bed, and gets fingered for the beating as well. Caan and the crew wash their hands of him and soon he is a marked man, especially after Jaoquin pins the murder on him too, after he learns that Charlize may like the Funky Bunch front man more than him.

With a large corruption investigation underway can Markie escape taking the blame and will the widespread corruption help to save his ass?

This was a decent offering but at the end it felt a bit slight and insubstantial. The story would have worked better as a mini series, as the sequence of events seemed hurried and unlikely. Markie basically goes for a job and on the first night is on the run for murder - maybe bed him in a bit and show us how things usually operate?

The settings and characters were familiar with the gritty realism of ‘Gone Baby Gone’ and ‘The Drop’ plain to see. It could have done with a Casey Affleck or similar in one of the leads as Markie and Jaoquin both looked like they were playing dress up. The larger cast was better despite James Caan’s poor moustache and Fay Dunaway’s poor fainting.

I’m not sure if this was a morality tale or just a slice of life but I wasn’t buying it. Markie seemed a bit of a scumbag and his resistance to a straight job left him being unsympathetic when circumstances went against him.

The big finale seemed a bit daft and I’m sure the police wouldn’t let a murder suspect out of their sight never mind let him weasel his way out of a air tight collar. I guess the message was that corruption goes to all levels, but it made for an unsatisfying conclusion that mirrored the rest of the film.

THE Tag Line - One Train You Can Miss 60%

No.225 : The Wizard (1989)

 

The Wizard at the IMDb

This film was suggested to me on Netflix after I had finished watching the 80’s video game documentary ‘High Score’. The documentary I enjoyed, this film not so much. It was OK for what it was, but ultimately it was an unsatisfying piece of family schmaltz.

Fred Savage gets an over the titles credit as he was at the height of his ‘Wonder Years’ fame when the film came out. He obviously squeezed this into his schedule as he has the same haircut and you are half expecting to get that voice-over to offer you some background.

Savage has a dysfunctional family with Christian Slater as his brother and Beau Bridges as his casserole burning Dad. He also has a brother Jimmy who is a bit different - he's probably meant to be autistic but nothing concrete is ever said. Jimmy lives with his Mum and step dad and does’t say much.

One day Jimmy runs away from home and is soon joined by Savage who can't be outwith the limelight. In ‘Rain man’ style they learn that Jimmy is great at video games and soon they start to hustle all the grown men who seem to be hanging around video game arcades. They also meet up with tom boy Wendy and the three decide to head to California where there is a $50k, winner takes all, video game tournament.

Mild peril is added in the shape of Lucas an ass hole rival game player, and a suspect bounty hunter who seems a bit too keen to be running down kids for it to be comfortable. Added to the mix are Bridges and Slater who are also in pursuit of the errant trio.

After an hour or so they arrive at the tournament - can they win the cash? and what is in Jimmy’s case that he holds so dearly? Can this family come together via the medium of Super Mario Brothers?

You have to look at this film in the manner it was intended and by that metric it is OK. By any other it is a lame piece of family drama with no peril or surprises.

The film has the feeling of a Disney offering and apart from a rather suspect conversation about a young girl’s breasts there is nothing here to worry even a Ned Flanders type censor. There are bullies and shady characters but these are all easily beaten by our savvy kids and at no point did you feel they were in any danger.

There was no doubt that they were getting to the video game contest which made the first hour of getting there rather pointless. Bridges and Slater’s arc was particularly weak with the only development being that Bridges started to like video games.

Slater made this in the same year as ‘Heathers’ and you can only assume he read the pay cheque before the script.

The big video game showdown was a letdown with the game somewhat confusing, with our man winning despite losing more men than Kitchener. The final resolution about a lost twin seemed taped on and offered nothing in the way of salvation or justification for 100 minutes of running around playing Nintendo.

You may get a few retro thrills from this, but if that’s your quest I’d stick to ‘High Score’ if I were you.

THE Tag Line : Game Over man 55%