No.153 : The Quiet (2005)

The Quiet at the IMDb

Sitting with a hangover ‘The Quiet’ seemed like a good choice. The film has some pretty dark themes but at least it has no loud noises or explosions.

We open with a bit of duff narration from Dot who is a deaf mute. We wonder from the off if she really is because she’s doing the voiceover! She talks about being half a person when another is there and a third when two people are there. This lessons in fractions was reminiscent of Steve Martin discussing how time felt in ‘The Jerk’.

Dot is an orphan whose Mum died when she was seven, and her deaf father recently when he lost an argument with a truck. She moves in with the dysfunctional Deer family who are her Godparents. Their bitchy cheerleader daughter, Nina (A slightly too old Elisha Cuthbert), isn’t happy with the new resident and badmouths her in front of her parents, safe in the knowledge that she can’t hear.

The parents have their own issues with Mrs Soprano maintaining the drug habit she earned on ‘Nurse Jackie’ and the Dad being a bit too keen on his daughter. At school the Nina and her friend Michelle are the stereotypical high school bitches whilst Dot is left on her own. She does however catch the eye of troubled jock Connor, who fancies Dot more than Michelle who is frankly laying it on a plate for him.

In the background of this typical high school affair is the spectre of abuse as Dad visits Nina’s room most nights whilst Mum pretends that she can’t hear anything going on.

Obviously everyone has issues and is basically mental - who’s nuttiness will ratchet up first? Who’s for the chop and will Dot’s voice be heard?

I quite enjoyed this film although it wasn’t too substantial and made even less sense.

Nina is 17 and the frankly creepy Dad is well overdue a pounding and not in a good way. Nina plots his demise but gets her head turned by a new bag. There is also a subplot of her bitchy friend making lesbian advances towards her as they sleep over in baby doll nightdresses. Not sure what was being conveyed here but a rewatch is already in the plans!

Camilla Belle had a tough job as Dot as she wasn’t exactly engaging and she just smiled and looked blank a lot. I get that she had regressed into herself as a defence mechanism but I wasn’t buying her deaf mute routine. At no time in the last twenty years had she never stood on a nail or let out a yell when a late goal busted her coupon?

The high school romances, complete with the prom, were well worn paths, but I am a sucker for the popular kids being right cows. The troubled jock Connor was a bit of a pain and I don’t know why his seduction technique was to talk about how often he jerked off. Worked though!

The inevitable finale was signalled from way off and the big reveal was nothing of the kind. Still they all healed a bit (apart from Dad!) and learned that the quiet after the storm was the best bit.

All in all a decent, if uneven, effort that had some worthwhile ideas which weren’t fully realised.

The Tag Line : Tony’s wife asks if she’s fat   65%

No.152 : The Prophecy (1995)

The Prophecy at the IMDb

Here we go with another one off look at a franchise - there are five ‘The Prophecy’ films to pick from, but for us, it’s a one and done. This series starts off reasonably high rent with a decent cast but it soon loses its lustre and heads into the ‘video premiere’ twilight zone.

This is the first of the franchise and it’s decent 1990’s fun with lots of big hair and puffy shirts. We open with someone looking forlorn over the remains of what appears to be an angel…

No, not that one - a real one! There is a portentous and pretentious voice over by Eric Stoltz who waffles on about an never ending war in heaven. After the credits we meet Thomas who is being ordained as a priest. As the ceremony goes on he suffers horrible visions - no not of choir boy abuse but of lots of angels killing each other. He quite correctly freaks out and when we catch up with him again he’s become a hard bitten police detective. That’s some career office they have right there.

We meet Stoltz and learn that he is the ginger angel Simon. He gets into a big fight with another angel (they all look like people, no wings or anything) and bests him when his opponent gets smashed into a wall by  a car. Our hero is called into investigate the death and gets top coroner Kenny Banya to do the autopsy. He’s the best Jerry, the best! Banya finds the body has both sets of sex organs and the oldest bible in existence. With such an important discovery they decide to lock him up in the meat locker for the night and head home.

There’s no rest for the dead however when Christopher Walken shows up to have a lick of the body before incinerating it. Maybe the corpse laughed at his bad dye job, it’s not clear. After lots of painful exposition we learn that there is a soul out there that both sides in the angel war want. Stoltz has it, but he manages to transfer it to a little native American girl by way of a frankly creepy big kiss. The girl is looked after by Virginia Madsen who has nicked the remains of Walken’s black hair dye.

She and the failed priest must now join forces to save the little girl from the converging forces in the angel war - who’s your money on? Gabriel or Lucifer? FIGHT!

This was a lot of nonsense but it was enjoyable nonsense with some decent action and a few good turns. One of these was not Viggo Mortensen who shows up as Lucifer near the end and overacts like hell, sorry heaven.

The exposition is poor with the angels all fighting over God’s love, as God now loves humans the most and whom the angels refer to as ‘monkeys’ - bit racist.

Walken plays it pretty straight and intense and is good value. I liked his habit of perching on things like a big vulture. His dialogue, and that of everyone else, was shocking with lines like "Two hells is one too many” being trotted out with a straight faces along with the Yoda worthy “War  leads to arrogance and that leads to evil which leads to me”.

There were a lot of B list stars popping up including Amanda Plummer as Walken’s replacement zombie - he needs a helper as he can’t drive - probably shouldn’t have given up the wings Chris! And Eric Stoltz who had the good taste to bow out before the halfway mark.

The poor Native Americans came out of it badly portrayed as always as a bunch of hicks living in trailers but with a mystic sixth senses. This translated to them just chanting and waving sticks for much of the film.

The big denouement was poorly handled although I would like to see how they manage to get a sequel with Walken still in the lead - not enough to seek it out though!

If you want a bit of mindless pap with cod philosophy, religious posturing and blouses tied at the waist this would be the film for you.

THE Tag Line : No Angel delight 57%

No.151 : The Outsider (2018)

The Outsider at the IMDb

The regular reader of this blog will remember that we have twice before visited the genre of ‘round eye in Japan’ in The Challenge and The Yakuza. Both these films were decent with the usual cultural differences played out to give a bit of drama as well as stuff being chopped off.

This entry in to the increasingly busy genre stars Jared Leto as the only non-Japanese in an Osaka prison. We don’t know his back-story but he has a bushy beard so it may be something to do with razor blades. He has a lowly job in the prison and has to defer to the Yakuza gangster inmates who are identifiable by their extensive tattoos.

Leto’s character ‘Nick’ saves one man from a hanging and later assists in an escape attempt when he helpfully calls the guards when his cell mate slices open his belly. The local Yakuza clan thank Nick for his efforts and get him out of jail. They also give him a job, but not one with many prospects as it involves braining an unhelpful American factory owner with a typewriter.

His new bosses are impressed and soon Leto has a suit and a tattoo of his own. His clan aren’t the strongest however, with some rivals trying to muscle in on their territory. Nick stops one incursion but has to give up two fingers when his ageing boss send over the digits as an apology rather than risk a war. That’ll be the end of his fledgling ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ career.

Nick’s family’s troubles suggest there is a rat in the camp and when it’s revealed to be his boss there is no surprise whatsoever. This nasty piece of work also makes moves on Nick’s girlfriend who is pregnant and is also involved in a big pow-wow at the docks which was a bad plan from the off. Elsewhere Nick’s back story is touched upon when he bumps into an old army colleague who suggests Nick’s appearance is a surprise and may be of interest to the military. I wouldn’t be taking any invites home if I was that guy!

With a big showdown looming who can we trust and will Nick manage to win the respect of a frankly odious bunch of gangsters?

This film started out well but lost it’s way, with the ending being a right load of old cobblers. The main failing was the character of Nick himself. It’s thinly written with no backstory at all. This starts off OK with Nick being all intense and mysterious but later on, with nothing revealed, you can be forgiven for wondering ‘Why should I care?’. We don’t know why Nick is in jail , looking like the ghost of David Bellamy, and we don’t know why he’s attracted to the Yakuza - maybe it’s the suits and the staring.

Although a Netflix film, the production is lavish with post war Japan brilliantly realised. There are plenty of gory slayings and some brutal finger choppings, none of which I could watch. Even the ‘thunk’ as the blade slices through - urrgh!

It’s not clear what the girl sees in Nick who is clearly certifiable. The Yakuza all seem quite welcoming too apart from the usual ‘white dog’ insults. Maybe they just see him as someone not scared of doing the dirty work.

I don’t think I learned anything here and the entertainment value was negligible. None of the characters engaged with me and for all his starey silences Nick just came across as a rudderless psycho with the charisma of a stale won-ton. The Japanese henchmen were mostly subtitled apart from when they tried a bit of English, but you wished those bits had been subtitled too.

You get all the usual gubblins about honour, but of course they are all stabbing each other in the back, or slicing the throat to be more exact, every chance they get.

The film is nice to look at but a strong win for style over substance.

The Tag Line : I’ll just slice that for you…

55%

No.150 : The Natural (1984)

The Natural at the IMDb

I always enjoy a good sports film but I’d never seen ‘The Natural’ before. Maybe the long run time of 137 minutes put me off or maybe the whole thing looked a bit too wholesome for my slightly seedier tastes. Well, now that I have seen it I can say it’s well worth a look and, although not the best baseball film I’ve seen (Major League 3 : Back to the Minors, seeing as you ask) it’s still pretty good.

We open with a young lad playing ball with his Dad - an idyllic scene right up to the point Pop has a heart attacked and snuffs it and then a tree gets hit by lightning for good measure. The lad is Roy Hobbs and when fate gives him an exploded tree he makes a baseball bat out of it. He calls the bat ‘Wonderboy’ just like Homer Simpson’s ‘Wonder bat’ - in fact most of the baseball Simpsons episode pays homage to this film, so that’s a blind spot in my education erased.

We jump forward a few years and the young lad has become Robert Redford. That’s one tough paper round he had! Redford was 38 when he made this, and there is no effort to explain why a 38 year old is playing a teenager. I thought I’d stick with it an all would be revealed - an old man’s fantasy maybe? No, they just didn’t have ‘The Irishman’ style de-ageing then, so just go with it.

Roy gets a call up to the Chicago Cubs and says goodbye to his equally middle-aged, but playing it  young, girlfriend Glenn Close. Roy gets on the train to Chicago and meets sports hack Robert Duvall and ‘The Whammer’ a Babe Ruth type baseball legend. The journalist sets up a bet that Roy can strike out The Whammer which he does, and in turn attracts the attentions of psycho groupie, Barbara Hershey. Barbara takes him back to hers but shoots him in the guts for his trouble. Not what he expected when she agreed to fire into him!

16 years pass and we meet the same Robert Redford whom everyone is now calling ‘Granddad’. He has been signed up by the New York Knights, the worst team in baseball. The manager doesn’t fancy Redford and keeps him on the bench, but a couple of strokes of luck, and a bad bay for Mr Blonde, see him in the team. Roy is a smash hit until he meets floozy Kim Basinger, the squeeze of the local bookie. Soon Roy is facing bribes and a slump in form. Will an old flame reignite the magic and will an old would prevent Roy from winning the pennant and saving the club?

You could probably delve into the subtext of this film and come up with an allegory for the corruption of the American Dream. I didn’t bother and enjoyed the tale of a man striving to win against the odds for what it was. There was a lot of nostalgia flying about with the games and crowds all wonderfully realised by director Barry Levinson.

The turning points of Roy’s life all involved the dames and I think the message is that you’d do better if you kept your pecker in your pocket. The villains such as the bookie and wannabe club owner, The Judge, were all a bit boo hiss and I wondered why they didn’t just bump Roy off rather than try to turn his head.

Some of Roy’s hits were great such as one where the ball is knocked out of it’s cover and others that destroyed clocks and stadium lights. It was well done and you’d be a cold individual not to get the chills when Roy faces the last pitch 2-0 down with two outs and two men on. To be honest I wasn’t sure he was going to win when a young version of himself was the new pitcher - would the story continue with the new ‘natural’? Nah, but it was a nice thought.

I was surprised that the film did as well as it did in awards season as I thought it was a bit slight, but like ‘Field of Dreams’ I think it would speak to Americans about better, more innocent times when you could meet women on trains and be shot by them!

Redford was good, but it was a mistake not to have any attempt at him looking any younger in his adolescent scenes - at one point I’m sure the conductor was going to give him senior citizen discount! The film more than makes up with that one conceit with an excellent cast and a finely realised world.

THE Tag Line :  Whammy!  79%

No.149 : The Monster (2016)

The Monster at the IMDb

When I read the synopsis of this film I wondered if the monster in the title was gong to be an actual monster or if it was going to be a metaphor for the monster that lives within us all. It was no surprise to learn that it was both.

We open with a young girl clearing up her mother’s empty beer bottles and struggling to get her out of bed. Mum wears her bra to bed and wonders where last night’s lover has gone. She has a hangover and tattoos - I’m only surprised they didn’t stick her in a trailer to get the scummy mummy full house!

The girl, Lizzy, is keen to get Mum active as they have somewhere to go. It’s soon revealed that Mum is giving the girl up and she’s going to live with Daddy. It doesn’t explain why daddy can’t come over and get her himself, but if he did that we wouldn’t have a film.

The pair head off in their beat up car - well it has a bit of gaffer tape on one of the seats. We enjoy a couple of flashbacks illustrating the pair’s past relationship, including a delightful game of verbal tennis where ‘I hate you’ and ‘Fuck you’ and bounced back and forth several times.

Their late start means that they are soon driving in darkness across the most desolate road in history. They literally don’t see another car all night apart from emergency vehicles which show up five minutes after being called.

During one of their many screaming exchanges something appears on the road. Slutty Mum Kathy manages to spin the car but still hit’s the object which turns out to be a wolf. Their own car is wrecked and they call a pick up truck, but meanwhile a slobbering P.O.V. shot is coming from the woods.

The mechanic soon arrives and as a betting men I told myself he had five minutes tops. Within about two he’s pulled under the truck and despite a spirited move to get more screen time he’s soon finished off.

The monster is slowly revealed as it terrorises our hapless heroes, who manage to call in reinforcements in the shape of an ambulance crew - sadly they are as much use as a cock flavoured lolly pop and it’s all down to wounded Mum and scared daughter to save the day.

This was a decent effort but ultimately it was too familiar to be regarded as anything special. They did avoid some monster movie tropes with cell phones working fine and the monster not being that camera shy. The film did however fall into the trap of being predictable with each ‘twist’ being signalled from many star systems away.

The opening narration of the little girl saying ‘Mummy says monsters aren’t real, but they are’ basically signalled the outcome from the off. I thought there might be an angle of the little girl having psychic abilities and was summoning the monster but it turned out it was just a big fragging monster that lived in the woods and liked attacking things.

The monster itself was decent but familiar if you have seen ‘Spawn’ or any of the alien films - basically wet leather and a lot of dribble.

The idea that monsters aren’t always the things you see was hammered home with flashbacks revealing that Dad was a dick too and Mum had her good moments. The lesson maybe that the monsters of your mind are the worst kind but frankly I’d be more weary of the big black thing that has ambulance crews for its supper.

The film was essentially a two hander between mother and daughter and there was too much screaming and wailing from both to have me give a toss for their fates.

It was decent fun to see a monster eat a variety of people but the weighty subtext lessened the effect for me. Be a monster pic or a problem people film - not both!

THE Tag Line - A Monster Hash 51%

No.148 : The Laundromat (2019)

The Laundromat at the IMDb

This is bound to be good; Steve Soderbergh directing Meryl Streep in a film about losing socks and using the wrong type of fabric conditioner.

What? It’s a metaphor for the financial system? Well, OK then.

The film starts with Gary Oldman and Antonio Banderas giving us a pretty patronising lecture about the nature of money. This is well done as they wander past cave men and end up in a fancy nightclub. It’s not clear who there are or why they are adopting funny accents but more will be revealed.

The film proper opens with Meryl and her husband James Cromwell going on a nice lake cruise, but things go quickly awry when the boat sinks leaving James at the bottom. Guess they shouldn’t have had the T1000 Terminator run the excursion! Meryl isn’t after the money but she’s shocked when she finds the insurance, which had been arranged by Ross off of ‘Friends’ wasn’t valid. There followed a seemingly dull section about reinsurance, but I quite enjoyed it as that’s my line.

The film is divided into various sections with cool graphics and title cards, and we follow where the insurance premium went and how the system is totally corrupt. Meryl gets a small settlement and advice to take a holiday. She does, but only to Nevis where the shell company who provided the reinsurance is based. She runs into the company owner, Jeffrey Wright, who is too busy working on his terrible Jamaican accent to give her any time. Meryl was wanting to buy a flat in Vegas off Sharon Stone but can’t because of a lack of cash and due to Russians gazumping her with a massive cash bid.

We start to delve deeper into the shady world of shell companies and meet Gary and Antonio in their real form as corrupt bankers. They run thousands of paper companies which have their secretaries as signatories and who have zero ethics or responsibilities. When one secretary dies of a consequence of a dodgy road begat of a corrupt financing scheme another steps into her shoes - this one looks and sounds a bit familiar though? Actually she looks like the Bo’ Selecta version of Lorraine Kelly, but I’m sure it’s just an unusual looking actress.

A further layer of the corrupt world plays out with an African bribe merchant who is having family troubles, owing to him getting friendly with the daughter’s room mate. Surely nothing will bring down this elaborate web of financial dubiety?

I only watched this Netflix film as it started with an ‘L’ but I was glad I went in unaware of its pedigree and subject matter. It was good fun to see a lot of familiar faces albeit in smaller roles that demanded funny accents. It was only after about 70 minutes that the penny dropped and I realised the ‘based on actual secrets’ opening caption may actually have been true for once.

The production was slick from the exotic locations, stellar cast and funky graphics. It covered a lot of similar ground to ‘The Big Short’ but was far more interesting than that. Streep was the back bone of the film and came across well as the swindled widow. Maybe less good in a second role however.

The only problem for me was the preachy end piece with Streep giving an impassioned plea for change. All very good but if I wanted politicking I’d watch panorama!

The film wasn’t scared to break the fourth wall with Oldman and Banderas wandering in and out of scene to explain stuff and show their shady influence. I also liked them breaking the fourth wall to reveal that director Soderbergh had five companies of his own. This kind of undermined the premise of the film as those involved are no doubt in the 1% paying the very least amount of tax that they can get away with.

It was however entertaining and revealing and well worth a look.

THE Tag Line : What’s in Your Wallet? 75%

No.147 : The Key (1983)

The Key at the IMDb

Frank Finlay, best known for playing the annoying Irish priest in ‘The Wild Geese’, stars in this 1983 film directed by smut auteur Tinto Brass.

It is listed in some places as pornography but if that’s your thing don’t bother - ‘The Benny Hill Show’  is far racier.

We open at a  New Year’s party for 1940 in Venice. The fascists are on the rise, and so no slow viewers fail to follow this plot point, the party is attended by Mussolini himself. Frank is more interested in the booze however, and playing grab ass with his shapely, but slightly frigid, wife. She doesn’t like his public displays of affection and insists on being taken home. She’s not so shy however when she is caught short and raises the level of the canals with a street piss that would make a race horse blush.

Frank is quite excited by this and gets all affectionate when they get home. An efficient lover, Frank is five pumps and done. Elsewhere Frank’s daughter is joining the Fascists and her fiancé  is having designs on Franks wife, a situation that turns Frank on, and makes him jealous at the same time.

Too shy to talk of such matters Frank starts to write a diary about all his seedy thoughts and leaves the key to his desk lying about so the wife can have a look. Of course she does and soon she is losing her inhibitions as she acts out Filthy Frank’s fantasies. Frank also gets hold of the world’s first Instamatic camera and, after drugging his wife, he gets lots of candid shots of her for his diary. The beast.

The wife is horrified by this invasion but also happy that he’s using the photographic skills of her daughter’s fiancé to develop the photos - that instant camera film was seemingly too expensive for Frank. The wife starts to take control and writes her own diary which Frank laps up, amongst other things.

All the excitement is causing Frank medical issues and his doctor says he needs to knock off the sex and drinking. Poor Frank he’s a ten a day man - and he likes a drink too! Unfortunately for Frank his wife’s blossoming is almost complete and, when she starts ordering him to wear her underwear we know things aren’t going to end well for  him. Probably took the mortician half an hour to get the smile off his face though!

This was a strange film and you have to wonder what market it is designed for. Clearly the marketing is for those who like their erotica but it’s really tame stuff. I also doubt that those who want to watch a nuanced film about a woman’s sexual awaking set against the backdrop of war aren’t going to be reaching to the top shelf.

The dialogue is half in English and half in Italian so a lot of the time you have no idea what’s going on. You do get helpful narration from Frank but it’s hard to take that filthy bastard seriously - especially when he dons the suspenders.

The setting of Venice is well used and you see a lot of  the city and people pissing on it. There are no familiar faces in the cast apart from Frank and it’s hard to tell if anyone is any good given they are all horrendously dubbed.

It may be the version on Amazon Prime is heavily cut but if it saved me half an hour of my life I’m grateful to them - plenty of other places to find your smut without having to listen to earnest dialogue about feelings. So I’ve heard.

Overall it was a worthless piece of whimsy trying to be something meaningful and failing badly. That said, it rumbled along fine with a few unintentional laughs to keep you entertained.

THE Tag Line : Frank Finlay Does Rocky Horror 53%

No. 146 : The Joker (2014)

The Joker at the IMDb

No, no , not the recent Joaquin Phoenix film ‘Joker’. That lacks the definitive article and is frankly a bit too popular for this blog.

I found ‘The Joker’ on Amazon Prime and watched it in all innocence. It was only afterwards, when I did my always thorough research, that I found out the film was originally called ‘Poker Night’ and presumably rebadged to cash in on the ‘Joker’ film. Having seen ‘Poker Night’ er, ‘The Joker’ I have to say ‘Poker Night’ is the better title given that it centres around a poker night, ‘joker’ is never mentioned, even in the playing card context, and even the clown make up seen in the poster above doesn’t actually appear in the film. Still cash ins are nothing new and it may be that the film will stand up on it’s own merits. Not a promising start though!

The film has a non-linear narrative with the predictable first shot of our hero, Detective Stan Jeter, who is played by a guy whose previous biggest credit was ‘Scary Movie 3, covered in blood and being surrounded by cops as he lies on the ground. ‘Let me tell you how I got here’ he says to no one asking the question.

We pull back and learn that Jeter is a newly promoted Detective. He cracked a big case and, given his new role, has been invited along to the detective only poker game by his mentor, Hellboy himself Ron Perlman. This is some poker game as it also includes Gus Fring, the boy friend out of ‘Drop Dead Fred’ and the guy off  ‘Bosch’, which I haven’t seen. The cops all spend their time giving the rookie the wealth of their experience by way of reminiscing about their best cases and arrests. These sequences are well done as the scene dissolves to show the adventure with Jeter transported into the action as the teller of the tale narrates.

Our hero manages to get himself kidnapped after he leaves the poker game and spends much of the film trapped in the bad guy’s basement. At this point we have only heard one of the detectives’ stories but we hear the rest as our hero drifts in and out of delirium and remembers them in the hope finding a way out of his predicament. Also held captive is Jeter’s young girlfriend and we have doubts over his integrity, given his relationship with her and about what we learn of his career making bust.

After several near escapes and messy interventions by well meaning, but totally hopeless, would be helpers we have to wonder, can our man get out?, who is the bad guy? and how many more films can be ripped off, er, homaged?

Despite a lot reasons not to, I quite enjoyed this film. For a start the cast was good. Say what you like, but a few familiar ’B’ list faces always keeps your interested, especially if a grisly fate awaits them. That said, the lead lacked any kind of empathy and failed to get much of a reaction from me, even when he was peeling his superglued face off a wall. 

The plot was basically lifted wholesale from the ’Saw’ films but that’s not to say they didn’t also steal from loads of others as well, such as ’V for Vendetta’,  the Nolan Batmen and that James McAvoy one where he gets superpowers.

The narrative jumped all over the place but the editing was good enough that you could keep up. There was a lot of exposition voiceover dialogue added in however ,so maybe that’s how I kept on the page. There were some nice touches such as the bad guy recounting his younger days which, when seen in flashback, saw him still wearing his mask throughout. This was amusing and also held the mystery - because he’s bound to be one of the several characters we’ve met already . Surly?!

Other highlights were Gus Fring in a Pringle jumper and the bad guy getting all his murder tips from Discovery Channel documentaries - yeah no nutter has ever been inspired by torture porn films!

There were a few grisly deaths and  some pretty brutal tortures but none so extreme that made a big wuss like me wince. It was a throwaway bit of derivative nonsense, but it was well enough made and with just enough to keep you interested for the 105 minute run time. I just hope they don’t make good on the potential sequel. Still they could call that ‘Jurassic Park 5’ and see if they can get away with that!

THE Tag Line : No, Not That One 67%

No.145 : The Invitation (2015)

The Invitation at the IMDb

Don’t you hate it when you get invited to a yuppie dinner party and it turns out to be a new age death cult?

That common occurrence is the subject of this horror / mystery which stars a few people you’ll know to see but you won’t know their names.

Our hero is Will, who looks like Jesus and who is heading to a party with his black wife, Kiara. There is a bit of mystery afoot as we learn that Will used to live in the house which is now occupied by dinner party hosts, David and Eden. There is some back-story to be had, but no doubt we’ll get that later. The journey is interrupted when Will runs over a coyote that he has to finish off with a tyre iron. I may be slow, but I think this is a metaphor for the rest of the film.

They arrive at the party and we are introduced to several of their friends who look like a Benetton commercial. We learn that the hostess, Eden , is Will’s former partner and that they share a sad history - it’s revealed later on had they had son who died. Eden has a new partner in the shape of David who is a bit intense and to add to the mix they have invited Sadie and Pruitt who are downright weird.

The party goes OK at first, but it seems a little off, a situation that intensifies when the gang are shown a video of a cult in Mexico where David and Eden met. The cult deals with death and healing and the video includes a women dying of cancer. As you’d guess this really helps the atmosphere. The crew worry that they are going to get the hard sell to join the cult, but that will be the least of their worries.

As things intensify Will does some snooping and finds a big pile of drugs and a video from the cult leader who says that ‘Tonight is the night’! Will it be a blood fest or is the troubled Will just imagining stuff? He’s totally not.

I liked this slow burner of a film that seemed a bit disjointed but ended up strangely satisfying. The awkwardness of social gatherings was well realised with Will initially appearing a paranoid loon ball when a couple of his accusations were disproved. Guess it’s safe to drink the wine then!

The cast were mostly good although I didn’t buy into crazy Sadie. The only recognisable face for me (apart from ‘The Wiz' off Seinfeld as the cult leader) was John Carroll Lynch as Pruitt who gave good value as the head mentalist. You probably won’t know his name but he is recognisable from ‘The Founder’ and ‘Veep’ amongst others.

The film piles on the intensity in the last twenty minutes and it was good that a few familiar tropes of the ‘killer in the locked house’ scenario were dropped. I was sure he was getting up again!

There was plenty of blood and a few wrong foots that, although not unexpected, made it good fun. Several genres merged, especially towards the end and we almost broke into another franchise altogether - The Purge anyone?

You’ll find this one on Netflix and it’s well worth 100 minutes of your time.

THE Tag Line : Don’t drink the wine! © Blackadder 73%

No.144 : The House (2017)

The House at the IMDb

I found The House lurking on Amazon Prime and was surprised that I hadn’t heard of it before, given its decent cast and production values. Having watched it, I find that its relative anonymity is well deserved.

Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler play a married middle class couple with a teenage daughter. They are a bit hard up despite living in a house that would make Barbie blush, in a neighbourhood with no beggars or dog shit on the streets. Things are relative I guess and their main concern is that they can’t afford to send their dull daughter to college.

Things should be OK though, as their daughter is the favourite to get a free college scholarship from the local town council. Guess they are the most needy after all! The rug is pulled however when the sleazy town councilman reveals that the sponsorship has been cancelled to pay for the new town pool. We later learn that he is stealing the cash to finance his affair with his well seated colleague, but more of that later.

Our happy couple try various ways to get the college money but after failing to get pay rises and loans they have no option but to try and gamble their meagre funds up, using the expertise of their gambling friend, Frank. The fact that Frank’s house lacks any furniture and his wife is leaving him doesn’t raise any red flags, so they head off to Vegas. After a great winning spell, sponsored by the Wynn Hotel, they lose the lot and are resigned to having the daughter hanging about the house for the next three years. But wait! There’s always breaking the law!

With indecent haste (well it is a 88 minute film), they set up a casino in Frank’s house. Things are small scale for about five minutes, but before long it’s a massive operation with neon lights, topless dancers and headline acts. Will the operation last long enough to raise the required funds? Will the corrupt councilman or the local mob get the cash or will truth and justice prevail and they all go to jail?

I was set up to really hate this film as it had all the hallmarks of a lazy cash in with blank spots in various stars’ diaries blocked out for a couple of weeks for an easy payday. As it was, I only slightly disliked it and there was the odd laugh - albeit cheap and shameful ones.

Ferrell and Poehler play off well together and they are wise not to bother with acting - you want them as you know them and that’s what you get. Poehler is done a disservice by the wardrobe department as they have her running about in baggy, unflattering shorts, as well as by the script which only gave her one good line about a Giant’s dick. Ferrell gets most of the funny stuff and despite doing his usual hapless idiot bit he has a few decent scenes, especially as ‘The Butcher’.

There are a lot of familiar faces thrown in for your money including a congressman off ‘Veep’ and David Wallace off ‘The Office’, who was criminally underused.

The plot, as it is, hits its marks from A to B to C with the minimum of fuss, with the predictable loss of the takings getting sorted out in about five minutes. ‘The villain’ of the corrupt politician was no threat at all and the film lacked any sense of danger. To have him as a whiny idiot with a fat fetish was a mistake as the outcome was never in doubt with him as the opposition.

The morals of the film are pretty low with drugs and gambling being celebrated along with the beating up of women, murder, illegal dice games etc. I thought there would be a moral lesson at the end but no - get your money however you can, and screw the consequences. I was fine with this but the film felt uneven with lots of things thrown at the wall with only a few of them sticking. For example in a two minute sequence there were nods to ‘The Terminator’ and ‘The Six Million Dollar man’ - apropos of nothing whatsoever.

There were a couple of chuckles and surprises though, and I especially liked Jeremy Renner showing up as a mob hit man who really should have stayed at home.

All in all this was a decent distraction but I wouldn’t be doubling down on any sequel.

THE Tagline - A Busted Flush! 62%