No.229 : The Aftermath (1982)

 

The Aftermath at the IMDb

This would be an easy film to rip to shreds with its poor production values, terrible acting and shocking script but it was so rubbish that you can’t help but enjoy it.

We open in space with three astronauts returning fro a year long mission. They blame a radio malfunction for a lack of communication and possibly for one actor being on a different set than the other two. Their spaceship model judders along on its string as it makes the hazardous decent back to earth. They manage to crash in the sea, just outside of Los Angeles, the plan being lots of people will notice them and come out to help.

Sadly no one witnesses their spectacular crash landing which must have been a waste of the fifty pence spent on the special effects. One actor manages to escape the film by dying but the other two are separated as they swim towards the beach. Our hero, Newman, is first ashore and thinks he has found some help, but alas his sunbathers forgot the Factor 50 and are all burnt out corpses.

He soon ties up with injured comrade, Mathews, and the two set up a camp only to be attacked by some blokes in Halloween masks. As they fight them off we follow a parallel storyline which sees some brigands attack a group of clean looking survivors and kidnap the woman after killing the men and children. Their leader ‘Cutter’ likes to laugh diabolically and never misses a chance to do so. Meanwhile we learn the fate that has befallen mankind has led to an acute shortage of bras.

Our two astronauts, now shaved and in civilian clothes, split up and Newman stumbles into a museum where the curator gives out loads of exposition before expiring and leaving our hero in charge of a young boy, Chris. The two bond and soon meet up with the lovely Sarah whom we earlier saw escaping from Cutter’s busy hands. They carry out an attack on Cutter’s base and free a mother and her daughter and, for a while, a brave new start seems possible.

Alas, the production finds another vat of fake blood to spill to we are left to guess who will survive the film and will anyone in the whole exercise ever work again?

This was a gawd awful film with some of the poorest acting you’ll ever see. Different film stocks appear throughout - often in the same scene and characters fire shots in daylight that hit targets at night. The budget appears to have been blown on squibs and fake blood, as the sets, models and costumes are as poor as you will ever see.

The timeline doesn’t make any sense with the astronauts only a way a year yet the children have known nothing other than the poorly acted horror they inhabit. Pristine jeeps are abundant, but the city model is a burnt out shell. One big fight moves from the desert to the city rooftops which show no damage whatsoever.

Picking nits would be too easy however, in a film where you could pick out rhinos and still leave bigger stuff behind. 

The hero character ‘Newman’ was played by the same bloke who wrote the script and directed the film so it’s almost a proto ‘The Room’. The only minor talent on show is Sid Haig as the villainous Cutter who just laughs a lot and does some dry humping - a good way to easy fifty bucks I guess!

Not a film to recommend but if you have time to kill, find it on Amazon Prime for a few laughs and some outrageous bad behaviour!

THE Tagline : You’ll Be Lucky to Survive This!  52%

No.208 : The Invasion (2007)

The Invasion at the IMDb

I had always avoided this film despite its top notch cast and sci-fi plot, mainly because of its stinky reputation. Seemingly the first cut was so terrible the director got the boot and the ‘V for Vendetta’ team of the Wachowskis and director James McTeigue were drafted in to salvage something from the project. I don’t know how bad the original was, but the revised offering was certainly a dud, so it must have been completely dire.

We open in the middle of the drama with psychiatrist Nicole eating a load of pills and drinking some Mountain Dew - we’ve all been there. We flashback to the space shuttle ‘Patriot’ blowing up on re-entry. The debris left has a bacterial residue on it and Kidman’s ex-husband Jeremy Northam gets cut by a piece when handed it by a pesky kid. His new wife, who used to be married to Axe off ‘Billions’ is a right cow when he complains of feeling unwell and rightly never seen again in the rest of the film. Northam has a bad night and is soon a full on snotty husk.

Meanwhile, Kidman’s kid is out for Halloween and, after her son’s friend gets bitten by a dog, she finds what looks like a bit of skin in his candy bag - I used to just get nuts and a tangerine. She takes this to her friend (but he’d like to be more) Daniel Craig who sends it on to virologist Jeffrey Wright who has some immediate computer graphics and techno babble set up to reveal that this pathogen is taking over people and to explain the plot for slow people.

It was probably lost in the re-edit but the diagnosis came with indecent haste as does the vaccine. I suppose we are all experts in viruses now, not so much in 2007! They also come up with some advice which was basically just plot points for us to remember, such as you can’t go to sleep and you can’t display emotions, lest the infected sniff you out.

Jeffrey has a secure lab set up but Kidman can’t leave her precocious kid behind as he may be immune to the virus and hold the key to a cure. That, and he’s so darn cute. Craig, in full puppy dog mode follows her about and soon they are back in the pharmacy where we started the film. Can our heroes avoid the infection and will the world be cured? And what will happen in the film?

This was a total clunker, but I did stay until the end and it was unintentionally funny in places. The film is yet another take on ‘The Bodysnatchers’ with the allegory switched from McCarthyism to our generally switched off and ‘don’t care’ society. It was done with a leaden hand with all the infected standing and staring whilst our heroes tried to look flat and uninteresting - job done! In places it was a lot like the far better ‘The World’s End’ but not as funny or engaging.

It started off being a bit creepy,but soon descended into farce as hordes of infected were around every corner with the ambition of puking into your mouth. The ending and the solution was so pat and unconvincing that it put me in mind of another Kidman clunker ‘The Stepford Wives’ where everything was sorted, literally at the push of a button.

Kidman did OK with limited material in a role that basically just saw her running around a lot. Daniel Craig, in his last role before becoming James Bond, was terrible in a nothing part. He has a half mullet, half feather cut haircut and basically just goo-goo eyes Kidman throughout. It was funny when he ‘turned’ as there was no discernible difference.

The massive edits and reshoots were obvious with big leaps in the plot and internal logic appearing without comment. It went from ‘Oh I may have the flu’ to the city being overrun. It was possibly not as bad as I anticipated but it was still pretty bad. In a world full of contagion and indeed body snatching films this is one invasion that’s easy to resist.

THE Tag Line : Evade the Invasion - 52%

No.201 : The Reivers (1969)

The Reivers at the IMDb

It’s 1905 and a time for narration. Burgess Meredith tells anyone who’s listening about his idyllic childhood and the four days that ‘parted him from his youth’. The narration is overlaid with footage of some sunny days and of lots of naked young boys frolicking about in the water. One to delete off your hard drive before you take your laptop into PC World then!

Our hero is Lucius a ginger haired 11 year old who is Meredith in his youth. It’s a big day in their small town as the first car to appear there is arriving by train. Local roustabout Boon (Steve McQueen) is most excited and brings along a rose to put in the car’s handy flower holder. The car is owned by Lucius’ Grandfather, known locally as ‘The Boss’. Boon’s role isn’t clear but he washes the car and appears to have free use of it. He shows it off to his black friend Ned who only goes and steals it. Bit of stereotyping there, and Ned can only be grateful that the police aren’t as trigger happy as they are today.

After some mild fighting the two are before the judge who puts a $100 bond on each to ensure their good behaviour. Of course the scofflaws pay no attention and when The Boss is away at a funeral they take the car and head for a big whorehouse in Memphis, where Boon’s girlfriend earns her living. At first it’s only Lucius and Boon on the trip, but Ned stows along for too, discovered just in time to get covered in mud, in a scene that looked like more fun to be in than to watch.

At the most sedate whorehouse you’ll ever see, complete with buttoned up ladies, Lucius gets in a fight and Boon tries to get some loving. His girlfriend is looking at a career change and Ned, who is more trouble than he’s worth, trades the car for a race horse. The trio must win a race with the new horse to get the car back - it‘s almost that they are just inventing scrapes so they can get out of them.

Can they achieve this feat with a slow horse and with novice jockey Lucius? I’d bet on that!

This was a strange film which was 70% Disney schmaltz and halcyon days reminiscing and 30% full on racism and violence. It didn’t hold well together and it was quite jarring when, after a nice bit of driving along and missing out on mild peril someone comes along with talk of lynching’s and ‘n-word’ this and ‘n word’ that. Fair enough the South had plenty of racism going on but choose your genre - child growing up or string them up, you can’t mix ‘Mississippi Burning’ with ‘Hopscotch Girl’.

I didn’t like Steve McQueen much in this - we was obviously the big star but everyone was loving him with there being no evidence at all that they should. He wanders about in his stolen car with a shit eating grin and can do no wrong. As a protagonist he offered nothing and his relationship with the unhappy hooker didn’t ring true at all.

Mitch Vogel as Lucius was no better with his teary tantrums even more annoying than his good manners and wisdom. It was a lot to have to carry the majority of the picture on his shoulders and he struggled with the emotional scenes. He did well in the racing parts, but only because he’s been replaced by a stuntman a foot taller and wider.

Based on a book by William Faulkner you can see they were trying to show a slice of life from more innocent times but the mix was off and the adventures are dull and lacking any real excitement. The big horse race at the end gets run twice and looks daft as they have Giant haystacks playing the fallow youth and doesn’t offer any surprises anyway.

The settings and cinematography were good but this looked like a vanity project for McQueen that forgot to add the vital ingredients of character and plot.

THE Tag Line : Reivers and Weep 52%

No. 126 : The Founder (2016)

The Founder at the IMDb

Have you ever wonder how lard slinging chain McDonalds became a worldwide brand? Me neither, but seemingly someone thought it a tale worth telling - so let’s have a look, and yes, you can have fries with that.

Michael Keaton gets his Birdman wings clipped as he stars as salesman and generally unlikeable swindle merchant Ray Kroc. It’s the early 1950’s and whilst trying to peddle milkshake machines he comes across the first McDonalds burger stand, owned and operated by Ron Swanson and his brother. The naive siblings take Ray in and basically give him the blueprints for the entire operation. Their motivations aren’t clear, apart from being good old honest working folk, but they soon regret it as Ray starts to take over.

Ray initially flounders as the founder as he’s tied into a poor contract with the brothers that sees very little money come his way. This leads to friction with his dour wife Laura Dern who basically just pulls sour faces in every scene she appears. Ray starts to branch out on his own, and after a chance meeting with Ryan from ‘The Office’, he realises that the real money is made in the restaurant property rather than from the burgers. Soon he aims to take over the business and after a few shady moves he ends up with a new wife and a shot at the big prize. Will McDonalds survive beyond the 1950’s? Will any of their patrons survive into their 50’s?

This bio-pic was Ok but you have to ask ‘why bother?’ The outcome was never really in doubt and as a viewer you had very little invested in seeing the corporate giant survive its difficult birth. Keaton’s Ray Kroc was an unlikeable and unsympathetic con man and his character arc never made it past the drive-thru. Even at the start, when he was a struggling salesman, he was a dick and the film never convinced in its notion that Ray’s corporate raiding was the result of an unfair contract or his oft mentioned perseverance. Basically he took advantage of a couple of hicks and made millions - thank you and have a bio-pic with your Happy Meal.

Of course not all bio-pic subjects have to be sympathetic but there was hardly a lot to engage with, when the big denouement centred around milk or powdered milk in the milk shakes.

The cast was pretty good with recognisable faces all over the place. Sadly most had little to do, with Ryan from ‘The Office’ a study in method acting as he scratches his chin when overhearing Ray’s financial woes at the bank. The direction was also lumpen with Ray’s drinking problem subtly suggested as he rushes for the bottle in practically every scene.

The sets and locations were good with some nice evocations of 50’s America. I liked how one outlet was shown as going to the dogs as there was a bit of litter outside! and a rough combing his hair in the car park!

Overall this was a serviceable 100 minute bio-pic that concerns a largely uninteresting subject in a world that offers little in the way of excitement - ooh will he get a bank loan?! Will there be two pickles in the bun?! Like the fast food it centred on this film was unsatisfying and will be quickly forgotten. Wait!  - No nuggets of interest!

THE Tag Line : Floundering Founder is a Filet-O-Pish 52%

No.101 : The Haunting (1963)

The Haunting at the IMDb

 Another haunted house yarn now with modern era Japan giving way to the black and white America of 1963. Many of the ingredients are the same as our previous offering ‘The Grudge’ and so are the uneven and lukewarm results.

The film opens with a potted history of Hill House, a sprawling gothic mansion. Its original owner’s wife died when her carriage crashed and lots of subsequent occupants have met their own grisly fates. The present owner has stayed away, but as she’s getting on she wishes to know the truth. She agrees to loan the place to the Doctor out of ‘Zombie Flesh Eaters’ so that he can conduct experiments to prove or disprove its haunted house status.

After extensive profiling he chooses six volunteers to stay for a few days. Sadly his time is wasted as he ends up with only three - Eleanor who has an irritating inner monologue, Theo, a psychic lady who likes Eleanor and Luke, a gadabout who stands to inherit the house and who is keen to keep an eye on his property.

The three move in and pretty soon the haunted house staples of closing doors and cold rooms take over. The two ladies don their long nighties and experiences all sorts of bumps in the night. Sadly the budget doesn’t stretch to much so the haunting stays as the loud noises and bulging door level throughout. Eleanor is quickly unhinged and soon starts to fixate on the dashing Doc who has more than a little of the Clark Gables about him.

Sadly for Eleanor the Doc’s wife shows up in the shape of Miss Moneypenny but she disappears just as fast. Soon even the cynical Luke is a believer but can the cast survive the night? and will the twist be that really obvious one signalled from the off. Oh it is!

This seems to be a well regarded horror film but there wasn’t enough meat on its bones for me. They went for that cheap slow and psychological terror build up that just gets tiresome after a while. We the viewer knew the house had issues from the off but it took the characters so long to get there I had lost interest by the time they did. There were loads of really invasive musical cues with blaring ominous portents rounded off by some plinky plonk piano keys - really annoying the second time never mind the tenth.

The actors were all good apart from Julie Harris in the lead who was really needy and unlikable. Of course it was part of her character to be unhinged and random but she just came across as unsympathetic and annoying. Her arc where she went from inquisitive to needy to plain out mental was misjudged with the haunted house seemingly turning her dial from zero to max overnight. The lesbian sub plot wasn’t really explored, but it was no surprise that the predatory psychic wore black while our chaste and chased heroine was in white.

The only special effects were a wobbly staircase and a bulging door and although some will tell you the biggest scares are those you imagine they are clearly wrong. The film would probably play better as a small stage production because as a feature film it came across as cheap and underwhelming. The overlong build-up was a poor investment as the ending was flagged from the off and you just wish the idea that “the place should be burned to the ground” had come to Luke five minutes from the start rather than at the end.

THE Tag Line - Haunted House More Shite Than Fright -52%

No.98 : The Sentinel (2006)

The Sentinel at the IMDb

 Michael Douglas stars in this routine thriller which is a kind of mash up of ‘In the Line of Fire’ and ‘Spartan’ but falls short of either of those films.

Douglas plays a head security man in the Secret Service charged with looking after the president. He also looks after the first lady too to the extent of having an affair with her - well she is Kim Basinger. The President, who has got promotion since he was in ‘Sledgehammer’, doesn’t know and relies on his army of security men to protect him from the dozens of nutters who threaten the top man each day.

Things get a bit hairy for Douglas when an agent is shot and the presidential helicopter is brought down without the main man on board. His affair proves to be an Achilles’ heel as the bad guys get photos of him doing the dirty and blackmail him to doing his bidding.

Rival agent Kiefer Sutherland hates Douglas for shagging his wife too, and he starts to put the screws on the greying G-Man. With all sides moving in Douglas goes rogue and tries to find the traitor within his organisation who is still plotting to assassinate the president. Can he save the day and will the lovely Kim help out? Will the terrible British bad guy with the goatee beard serve up any menace whatsoever and will Michael get an award for doing his own stunts? - well there were quite a few stairs in that hotel.

The first half of this film was a lot better than the second. The first twenty minutes was a behind the scenes look at presidential security and it was interesting to see all the background guys and snipers set against a familiar mix of fast cuts and CCTV shots. Once the agent gets shot it becomes more of a character piece and Douglas doesn’t really have one. He’s meant to be no nonsense and meticulous but then he’s pumping the first lady - where does she get the time? He tries to be cool wearing his designer shades and fingering his earpiece but the main thought you have is why hasn’t be been pensioned off?

His detection was logical but not so inspired and given he got tracked down every five minutes, not that effective. The motivations of the bad guys were barely examined and why they needed a tough talking but poor acting British guy who had all the threat of a sock puppet I don’t know. The fake White House and ropey helicopter explosion stood out like sore thumbs but apart from that a good cast and some tight dialogue and action saved this from being a total turkey.

The sub plot with Kiefer and rookie agent Eva Longoria was largely pointless but at least added a bit of glamour. I wasn’t buying Kiefer’s ‘hate him but respect him’ routine and when they team up at the end it was no surprise at all. The ending itself was somewhat confusing with the good and bad guys getting mixed up as the overlong gunplay spilled out over many rooms and areas.

You will see a lot worse films, but it was in essence a decent TV movie with some stars on the bill.

THE Tag Line - No Presidential Pardon Granted        52%

No.52 : The Bridge (2006)

The Bridge at the IMDb

Here’s nice uplifting documentary to cheers you up - bunch of folk killing themselves by flinging themselves off the Golden Gate Bridge. If that’s not enough to put a spring in your step the clips of the suicides are inter cut with interviews of those left behinds, sometimes to literally pick up the pieces.

The film was made in 2004 and caught most of the 24 suicides who plummeted off the bridge to their near certain deaths. The director set up a long lensed camera at a suicide hot spot on the bridge and over the months he filmed he gained dubious footage of damaged people ending it all.

The actual suicide footage, although tremendously powerful lasts a matter of seconds so clearly he had to go and find some padding in the shape of talking head relatives who were largely trying to find some sense in the senseless and selfish acts. There is also further padding with long and arty establishing shots of the bridge and of various bridge users which soon causes a sense of ‘is he over next’ in the viewer.

There is no narration to the film and it seems somewhat random. There is an attempt at a central spine to the film in the shape of Gene, a long haired layabout, who pops up throughout.If I was being cynical I’d say that Gene’s story is focused upon because he was the one that they had the best death footage of. His relatives were also quite eloquent but unable to add much to what a pretty straightforward tale of depression followed by suicide.

The point of the film is hard to establish and it’s almost pornographic the way the ‘money shots’ are carefully doled out through the 90 minutes running time. I’m sure the random and uneven feel to the film would be explained as a narrative on the damaged people’s motivations but it’s more likely it was cobbled together using the best footage and the relatives who were willing to talk for reasons unknown.

It would be hard not to be moved by the film given that we share the last seconds of several peoples’ lives and the big finale is genuinely shocking but the lasting impression is one of sadness that these desperate people never got the help they needed.

I would have liked to see more of the other side, the poor buggers charged with recovering the bodies and State officials who could explain why the world’s favourite suicide spot doesn’t have higher barriers or catch nets. I guess the attitude is that if they are going to kill themselves it’s better to do it here than onto a busy freeway.

Almost every suicidee found a positive advocate but for the most part the tales were consistent in terms of depression and escalating attempts to take their own lives. Sometimes suicide attempts can be cries for help or for attention but the guys we saw here knew there was no going back.

The overall feel of the film is of one built around a few seconds of footage with bricks of worthiness and head shaking. The actual effect is one of grubby exploitation with no message I could see.

THE Tag Line : Take Me Away From The Bridge 52%