No.101 : The Haunting (1963)

The Haunting at the IMDb

 Another haunted house yarn now with modern era Japan giving way to the black and white America of 1963. Many of the ingredients are the same as our previous offering ‘The Grudge’ and so are the uneven and lukewarm results.

The film opens with a potted history of Hill House, a sprawling gothic mansion. Its original owner’s wife died when her carriage crashed and lots of subsequent occupants have met their own grisly fates. The present owner has stayed away, but as she’s getting on she wishes to know the truth. She agrees to loan the place to the Doctor out of ‘Zombie Flesh Eaters’ so that he can conduct experiments to prove or disprove its haunted house status.

After extensive profiling he chooses six volunteers to stay for a few days. Sadly his time is wasted as he ends up with only three - Eleanor who has an irritating inner monologue, Theo, a psychic lady who likes Eleanor and Luke, a gadabout who stands to inherit the house and who is keen to keep an eye on his property.

The three move in and pretty soon the haunted house staples of closing doors and cold rooms take over. The two ladies don their long nighties and experiences all sorts of bumps in the night. Sadly the budget doesn’t stretch to much so the haunting stays as the loud noises and bulging door level throughout. Eleanor is quickly unhinged and soon starts to fixate on the dashing Doc who has more than a little of the Clark Gables about him.

Sadly for Eleanor the Doc’s wife shows up in the shape of Miss Moneypenny but she disappears just as fast. Soon even the cynical Luke is a believer but can the cast survive the night? and will the twist be that really obvious one signalled from the off. Oh it is!

This seems to be a well regarded horror film but there wasn’t enough meat on its bones for me. They went for that cheap slow and psychological terror build up that just gets tiresome after a while. We the viewer knew the house had issues from the off but it took the characters so long to get there I had lost interest by the time they did. There were loads of really invasive musical cues with blaring ominous portents rounded off by some plinky plonk piano keys - really annoying the second time never mind the tenth.

The actors were all good apart from Julie Harris in the lead who was really needy and unlikable. Of course it was part of her character to be unhinged and random but she just came across as unsympathetic and annoying. Her arc where she went from inquisitive to needy to plain out mental was misjudged with the haunted house seemingly turning her dial from zero to max overnight. The lesbian sub plot wasn’t really explored, but it was no surprise that the predatory psychic wore black while our chaste and chased heroine was in white.

The only special effects were a wobbly staircase and a bulging door and although some will tell you the biggest scares are those you imagine they are clearly wrong. The film would probably play better as a small stage production because as a feature film it came across as cheap and underwhelming. The overlong build-up was a poor investment as the ending was flagged from the off and you just wish the idea that “the place should be burned to the ground” had come to Luke five minutes from the start rather than at the end.

THE Tag Line - Haunted House More Shite Than Fright -52%

No.100 : The Serpent (2006)

The Serpent at the IMDb

 Sub-titled French movies aren’t a staple of The Definite Article Movie Review but this one is well worth a look, not least because Bond Girl Olga Kurylenko shows us what she’s made of.

An old chap thinks he’s got lucky when the sexy Olga goes on a blind date with him but you get nothing for nothing and soon a sinister gang of blackmailers is on his tail. He pays up but it’s never enough. We think he’s being used to show us how the gang operates but he will reappear down the line so remember him and his hearing aid!

The bad guys look for their next mark and choose Vincent. We think he’s been targeted at random but nothing is what it seems in this labyrinth plot. Vincent is a fashion photographer in the midst of a messy divorce from his wife with whom he is still living. He arranged a shoot for the next day and is surprised to find Olga is his late replacement model and his helpers can’t come in as they have been beaten up. The shoot goes well and Vincent thinks his luck is in when Olga gives him a nice kiss - and she’s a scratcher too! Alas he has to run but next day the cops charge him with attempted rape.

The charges are dropped and Olga comes by to tell him he’s been targeted in a scam. Just as we are starting to think she’s nice she drugs his drink and soon the whole gang arrives to photograph Vincent in some kinky poses. He revives just in time to see Olga leave and as he chases after her she falls from his unnecessarily dangerous staircase, seemingly to her death. Vincent, who is already on the police’s radar, calls his lawyer who, on finding no trace of the body, thinks his client is nuts. Things get worse for Vincent however when he’s rear ended and finds Olga’s body in his boot and the cops have just arrived.

The other driver reveals himself to be an old school friend of Vincent’s and he arranges to get the car fixed and the body disposed of - you don’t get that service from Aviva! The body hider, Plender, starts to turn the screws looking for cash and a few free dinners at Vincent’s.  Our man starts to investigate his menacing friend and after his lawyer is killed he realises that the noose is tightening. Charged with murder Vincent goes on the run - can he turn the tables on the blackmailer and save his family from the freezer of doom?

I enjoyed this superior thriller and although it was a bit long there were enough twists to keep me interested. I liked how the troubles piled up on Vincent and it was hard to see how he could escape the elaborate traps that had been set by the dead-eyed Plender. The ending was a little too pat for my liking but I did enjoy the twists most notably the grave robbing!

Yvan Attal was excellent in the lead role as the troubled Vincent as was Clovis Cornillac as the malevolent Plender. Plender’s motivation was well documented but it was a bit unclear why he waited for his Mum to die before focusing on Vincent. Maybe it sent him over the edge or he’s just got plenty of patience. The blackmailing scenes were well done with the poor suckers reeled in by the slick and sexy operation and I liked the creepy shine to the dear departed mother.

All in all this was an enjoyable Gallic thriller with my only real complaint the title - not a serpent in sight apart from the tattoo on the bad guys back - should have called it ‘French Blackmail/Revenge Film’ - at least that does what it says on the tin!

78% Best Bit - Olga’s lingerie shoot

No.99 : The Grudge (2004)

The Grudge at the IMDb

This was the first in a spate of American remakes of Japanese horror films and having watched the result I won’t be seeking out any of its contemporaries or indeed sequels. It’s not because I was scared or anything; I just thought the whole thing was a bit pointless and forgettable.

The film opens with the always wooden Bill Pullman getting out of bed and falling off his balcony to his death. This is before the credits and you wonder if this is to be the shortest star turn this side of Steven Seagal in ‘Executive Decision’. Alas there are flashbacks so Bill will return!

We move across town to a catatonic woman who needs a full time carer. The carer makes the huge mistake of poking around in the attic and gets snatched away by an unseen force. Her ever caring employers don’t give a toss as they have Sarah Michelle Gellar on standby. Buffy and her douche boyfriend are staying in Tokyo and the vampire botherer is volunteering her assistance to the needy. Sadly she’s not much use as after five minutes she gets menaced by a big ball of smoke and we cut away.

We then meet the catatonic woman in more lively times as she and her son and her wife are viewing the same house - it’s a flashback you see. Soon they are all either staring at the ceiling or fighting with the bath as hands and faces reach out to ruin their days.

Back in the present Gellar is talking to the cops who recount earlier tales of woe from the haunted house. For some reason they haven’t boarded it up despite it taking care of more Americans than Pearl Harbour. Gellar does some handy online research and finds that several unexplained deaths have occurred at the house since the tragic death of a young boy - could this be the same one who keeps popping up as people start to scream?

The curse of the house gets mobile and starts to bother people from afar. Gellar is worried that she may be cursed, but before she can act the police chief is heading over to the demonic detached with some cans of petrol. Elsewhere Gellar’s boyfriend has been reading her research and is heading over for a look - huge mistake. Gellar runs over to save her man and solve the mystery but wait - Bill Pullman has moved in - isn’t he dead? Will the hairy wide eyed girl shriek some more and will someone please feed that cat?

This was a decent enough film but you could see it was a Hollywood makeover from  the start with all the affecting and original stuff looking out of place against the American enclave that has apparently moved to Tokyo, complete with near perfect Japanese. Gellar and Pullman get no sympathy from me whatsoever what with her big jumper and him dropping splinters in every scene.

The curse angle was overplayed with literally every house occupant getting a dose - don’t these cops keep records? The first time the familiar long haired girl appeared it was quite chilling but half a dozen times later you’re like ‘come on love, get a new act’. The creepy small boy was overused too but I liked him appearing in the background even when the characters didn’t spot him.

The deaths were mostly off screen with a lost lower jaw the worst of the gore. People by and large just disappeared which may be a bit scary but give me a zombie invasion any day. The ending was unsatisfying as it cried ‘here comes the sequel’ and nothing much was explained apart from ‘it’s a haunted house , live with it’.

The film was probably better in its day but for now it seems a pretty blunt and unsophisticated horror flick that relied on cheap scares over any slow burning fear or menace.

THE Tag Line - You’ll Grudge the £2 Rental   56%

No.98 : The Sentinel (2006)

The Sentinel at the IMDb

 Michael Douglas stars in this routine thriller which is a kind of mash up of ‘In the Line of Fire’ and ‘Spartan’ but falls short of either of those films.

Douglas plays a head security man in the Secret Service charged with looking after the president. He also looks after the first lady too to the extent of having an affair with her - well she is Kim Basinger. The President, who has got promotion since he was in ‘Sledgehammer’, doesn’t know and relies on his army of security men to protect him from the dozens of nutters who threaten the top man each day.

Things get a bit hairy for Douglas when an agent is shot and the presidential helicopter is brought down without the main man on board. His affair proves to be an Achilles’ heel as the bad guys get photos of him doing the dirty and blackmail him to doing his bidding.

Rival agent Kiefer Sutherland hates Douglas for shagging his wife too, and he starts to put the screws on the greying G-Man. With all sides moving in Douglas goes rogue and tries to find the traitor within his organisation who is still plotting to assassinate the president. Can he save the day and will the lovely Kim help out? Will the terrible British bad guy with the goatee beard serve up any menace whatsoever and will Michael get an award for doing his own stunts? - well there were quite a few stairs in that hotel.

The first half of this film was a lot better than the second. The first twenty minutes was a behind the scenes look at presidential security and it was interesting to see all the background guys and snipers set against a familiar mix of fast cuts and CCTV shots. Once the agent gets shot it becomes more of a character piece and Douglas doesn’t really have one. He’s meant to be no nonsense and meticulous but then he’s pumping the first lady - where does she get the time? He tries to be cool wearing his designer shades and fingering his earpiece but the main thought you have is why hasn’t be been pensioned off?

His detection was logical but not so inspired and given he got tracked down every five minutes, not that effective. The motivations of the bad guys were barely examined and why they needed a tough talking but poor acting British guy who had all the threat of a sock puppet I don’t know. The fake White House and ropey helicopter explosion stood out like sore thumbs but apart from that a good cast and some tight dialogue and action saved this from being a total turkey.

The sub plot with Kiefer and rookie agent Eva Longoria was largely pointless but at least added a bit of glamour. I wasn’t buying Kiefer’s ‘hate him but respect him’ routine and when they team up at the end it was no surprise at all. The ending itself was somewhat confusing with the good and bad guys getting mixed up as the overlong gunplay spilled out over many rooms and areas.

You will see a lot worse films, but it was in essence a decent TV movie with some stars on the bill.

THE Tag Line - No Presidential Pardon Granted        52%

No.97 : The Runaways (2010)

 The Runaways at the IMDb

Rock bio-pic time now as the little known band ‘The Runaways’ get the Hollywood treatment in this by the numbers effort.

It’s the seventies in Los Angeles and punk is taking off. Joan Jett is keen to get in on the action and harasses record producer Kim Fowley for a deal. He’s hesitant at first but when he spots 16 year old Cherie Currie he starts to put together the band. As you’d expect the band start out rubbish, get a bit better and into drugs before jealousy and musical differences break them up.

The two leads played by Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning don’t convince as the trailer trash bad girls they are meant to be and although they make a good effort I didn’t buy into either. Michael Shannon who is great in ‘Boardwalk Empire’ is miscast as the producer and his mad eyes and dominant presence are shamefully underused.

I did like the grungy 70s vibe and some of the music was good although not that of the band, which was a total racket.  The characters were thinly drawn with troubles at home and being an outsider the usual suspects when a bit of depth was sought. Some bits like Joan pissing on some guitars didn’t add to the appeal of the film  and the whole rites of passage idea was rushed and unconvincing.

The three acts were well defined with the ‘rise to stardom’ bit overlong. Basically you get an hour of them fighting and singing in a caravan before ten minutes of modest success and drug use before a half an hour autopsy of what might have been. The formula will be familiar to anyone who has ever seen a rock film and you knew the writing was on the wall as soon as Dakota got a solo photo shoot.

There will be a certain dirty old man element who’ll love this film with lots of shots of the teen girls dancing around in their pants. There was also a strong lesbian vibe too with Joan in her leather pants quite keen on the pre-pubescent Fanning. I found some of it more creepy than sexy and I doubt it was coincidence that Gary Glitter featured on the soundtrack.

I read that the girls played their own instruments and did their own singing and that would certainly suggest they made the right choice in acting over music! The only decent song was ‘Cherry Bomb’ and even that’s down to the hook alone. I see that the band never had any real hits and you have to wonder why they merited a bio-pic given their story was so run of the mill. In ‘Wayne’s World’ terms ; they’re not worthy!

As the film draws to a close there is the inevitable fall out and the band starts to splinter. Joan forms her own band and has a hit with ‘I love rock and roll’ the only familiar song from the whole enterprise. As they go in different directions and have the odd awkward reunion you have to wonder why you should be interested and by the time the film ends you certainly won’t be.

 THE Tag Line - Runaway From This One!  53%

No.96 : The Diplomat (2009)

The Diplomat at the IMDb

The title of this made for TV but repackaged as a movie thriller is a bit misleading - there is no diplomacy going on at all just some running about and some solid work for the Australian tourist board.

Dougray Scott stars as the titular official who on returning home from his posting in Turkmenistan is arrested for having a stash of souvenir guitars stuffed with heroin in his diplomatic bag. He was undone when his scam was uncovered by a police raid that had some minor gunplay and a broken window.

Scott’s arrest causes a bit of upset in the higher echelons of Government as Richard Roxburgh tries to minimise the fall out. We aren’t sure if Roxburgh is bent and he and Scott are working a scam - or is this a secret mission to entrap those darn Russkies? We think it’s probably the latter as Scott is so damn hunky but he’s such an arrogant prick that it’s hard to decide.

Back in Turkmenistan the bad guys plan to free Scott and his mysterious key. They obviously think he’s working with them but is it a trap or is Scott playing one side off the other? Soon a deal with the Aussie tourist board kicks in and Scott and his lovely ex-wife are transported to Australia to stay in a variety of fancy houses that are no doubt available to rent. The English police woman who is pursuing the case, who is in fact an Australian, heads East to confront the bad guys. After this turns out to be a waste of time she too heads to Oz and stays in a hotel overlooking the Sydney Harbour Bridge - if they put up holiday prices it wouldn’t be more blatant!

We learn that Scott and his ex-wife broke up when their son drowned but slowly they start to heal the wounds and get back in bed as a bunch of henchmen get shot in some poorly planned rescue/assassination/hostage taking raids. As the bad guys start to load a bunch of ‘suitcase bombs’ onto an Australia bound plain and the Government gets nervous - can Scott save the day and clear his name?

This was an OK film but it’s TV origins were plain to see with it’s ‘Co-Production with Australian TV’ credentials obvious from the off. The three sites for the action watered down any tension there could have been and it does seem that plenty was lost in the edit when it became a movie from a TV mini series

Scott can shout and swear and drink all he likes but he doesn’t convince as a leading man. He tries to play it cool and enigmatic from the off but just comes across as a complete tool. He lacked any empathy whatsoever and the character development of the dead son did nothing to soften our approach towards him. Scott’s real life partner Claire Forlani played his ex-wife and although she did oblige by running about in her skimpies her duck face expression but her limited range did nothing to add to the couple’s appeal. I’m sure they are lovely in real life!

The background activities of the scheming Government officials and the police doing a hapless investigation were intended to add some layers of sophistication but the film only really worked when the bad guys and the coppers had one of their numerous shootouts.

I think if you caught this over three nights on ITV you’d feel it a decent offering, but if you chanced upon the Blu-Ray you’ll feel as swizzled as someone who bought a souvenir guitar from a Turkmenistan gift shop.

THE Tag Line - Plead Diplomatic Immunity From This One  51%

No.95 : The Switch (2010)

The Switch at the IMDb

Poor old Jason Bateman - he does such good work in TV shows such as ‘Arrested Development’ and in movies like ‘Up in the Air’, ‘Extract’ and even ‘Identity Thief’ but sadly, every so often, he has to sign up to stuff like ‘The Switch’ to presumably pay the bills. The film isn’t terrible but it  is so unimaginative and forgettable that you’ll have cleared it from your mental cache as soon as the credits roll.

Bateman plays Wally Mars a likeable but slightly unusual New Yorker who has yet to meet the right woman. He’s no out and out weirdo but wears tank tops and is the choice of transient mentalists when walking the streets of the Big Apple. He is best friends with Jennifer Aniston, although there is no reason given why they are friends and not shagging - he’s not gay you see. They completely bypass the whole ‘When Harry Met Sally’ thing and have the relationship set at ‘platonic’ from the off.

We know he wants more from the relationship as Jennifer is so lovely, but apart from confiding in his boss, Jeff Goldblum, Jason does nothing to seal the deal. Jennifer however is worried that her biological clock is ticking and lines up a sperm donor in the shape of ‘Little Children’ and ‘Watchmen’s Patrick Wilson to supply the population paste.

She throws a tasteless insemination party where the donor and his wife along with a gaggle of friends show up to sell the man fat. Wilson does his duty into a cup but when Bateman finds the sample when he hits the toilet he decides that maybe his man paste is the product of choice. He forgets all in a drunken haze but we are given clues the next day when Goldblum recounts tales of a late night visits that suggests Wally has been generous with his muck.

We flash forward seven years and Aniston has decided to return to town following the birth and raising of her child in Montana. We know that Bateman is the likely daddy and when they meet up the boy’s introspective character certainly suggest he has child support payments in his future. Several unlikely scenarios serve to bring Bateman and the boy closer together but when Aniston reveals she’s started to date the alleged surrogate we have to wonder who is the daddy and who will end up with the frankly needy Jennifer.

This ‘Who’s the Daddy’ rom-com is OK but it is also undemanding and for the most part unfunny. The central relationship between the earnest and likeable Bateman and the flaky and unreliable Aniston is poorly formed and they have no chemistry whatsoever. That said it’s better than that between Wilson and Aniston which is totally devoid of any believability. The idea of a straight man having Jennifer as a best friend was feeble from the off and although they set him up as a tank top wearer it beggared belief that Bateman wouldn’t call her out early on for leading him on.

The first arc that leads up to the insemination was without laughs and not least because of Aniston’s friend, Juliette Lewis who can’t do comedy and who hasn’t had a decent role since ‘Strange Days’ - don’t come it, ‘Starsky & Hutch’ was rubbish!

‘Seven years later’ was a bit better due to the rapport between Bateman and the boy but the whole tacked on relationship with the surrogate seemed forced and unbelievable from the off. The three acts were clearly marked and when Aniston told Bateman she didn’t want to see him again an hour in you knew things were going to work out fine.

Overall there was nothing to offend or greatly dislike in ‘The Switch’ it just seemed a waste to produce something so formulaic and dull given the talent available.

THE Tag Line - More Fun With the Cup
57%

No.94 : The Bunker (1981)

The Bunker at IMDb

No, it’s not a sequel to ‘Happy Gilmour’, the Bunker in question is that of Hitler in this American TV movie from 1981. It was in fact a mini series with the version I saw chopped down to a meagre two and a half hours. At least its bound to have a surprise ending? What?

The film opens two months after Hitler’s demise with an American officer arriving at the bunker for a nosey. He provides a bit of narration before we dissolve into flashback as the bunker is being prepared for the fuhrer’s arrival. The sets aren’t that impressive but the cast is, with familiar faces raiding the dressing up box all over the place. We meet Martin Jarvis’ cockney mechanic as well as Drax off ‘Moonraker’ as Martin Bormann. Julian Fellowes of ‘Downton Abbey’ fame shows up as an officer and the pivotal role of Albert Speer is taken by Richard Jordan who was the baddie sandman in ‘Logan’s Run’.

The main role of Hitler is taken by Anthony Hopkins who for some reason plays the megalomaniac as a Welshman - they won’t like that in the valleys! The plot is basically that of the superior ‘Downfall’ with the frail Hitler battling his officers and sanity as he tries to salvage the war. He orders a scorched earth policy but Speer is keen to distract the head Hun to save the German nation. Meanwhile, Hitler’s dog has puppies.

The film is seen from the viewpoint of several characters such as Speer who is trying to bump off the horrible Herr at any cost and the kitchen staff, including Pat Butcher, who are having trouble keeping the dinners coming. Elsewhere Henry Davenport off ‘Drop the Dead Donkey and Mr Bronson off ‘Grange Hill’ boost their Cvs with small but well accented parts.

To lift the claustrophobic air we also get some scenes in flashback such as Hitler walking his dog and his birthday party - maybe the full version has him getting his hair cut too; they seem very thorough. As the war gets worse - seen only by more rumbles from outside - the officers gather to convince Hitler to seek peace in scene familiar to anyone who has seen ‘Hitler’s X-box stops working’ on YouTube

The plot doesn‘t need much more analysis as it‘s a well worn tale with a surprise free conclusion. The scale of the production is impressive although the uniforms look a bit too crisp for it to be believable as a last stand. There is no attempt at speaking German or even consistent accents but it is well staged with a good cast doing their best with familiar material.

The production won an Emmy and it was a clear template for ‘Downfall’ with many of the scenes such as the medals presentation complete and intact. It is however too long and fails to match the later film’s sense of authenticity. There is no grime, or sense of desperation present, merely Hitler’s shaky hand as his officers head off to their next acting gig.

Hopkins is OK in the lead but he’s let down by a moustache that’s too big and a script that has him shout too much and act irrationally too often. Of course we are dealing with a maniac here but his outbursts didn’t convince and his hands and accent were equally shaky and equally unconvincing.

Overall this was a decent stab at familiar material but it lacked authenticity or any sense of drama. I preferred ’Downfall’ for it’s use of German, its crumbling and dirty sets and it’s far creepier Goebbels.

THE Tag Line - Take a Sandwich to The Bunker (sand wedge - geddit?)
64%