No. 132 : The Hand (1981)

The Hand @ the IMDb

 “What a pile of shit” Michael Caine declares midway through this schlock horror nightmare - whether he was talking about the production is unclear but such words would be a bit harsh. Just a bit though.

Caine plays Jon Lansdale a successful newspaper comic strip artist whose creation ‘Mandro’ pays for a nice life with an unfeasibly young, and new age wife. Lansdale is a bit of a dick from the off and enjoys yelling at his wife whilst she is driving him to the shops. This ends badly for him however as his drawing hand is lopped off by a passing truck as he tries to wave a car back. This scene was fantastically realised as the hand goes flying and Caine, covered in blood, starts screaming - possibly at his agent.

Time passes and soon the stumpefied Caine is getting fitted for a prosthetic that looks like it has been salvaged from a terminator. He suspects his wife is getting a bit too close to her yoga instructor and his agent is keen to let a young artist take over his strip. Caine meanwhile is having trouble adapting to his new single hand life and has flashbacks about the incident whilst pondering about the fate of his hand, that was never found.

With wife trouble escalating Caine heads off for a teaching job in California where he can talk to bored students and brood in his lonely log cabin. Things look up however when a young student shows up at his home and takes her clothes off - clearly a wavy hair / stump fetishist.

Despite trading the wife in for a younger and less annoying model Caine keeps spiraling further into madness and we wonder if the black and white flashbacks of the disembodied hand killing a tramp are for real or just his frenzied imagination at work.

With the wife ready to take their daughter away and his bit on the side having gone missing we have to guess if Caine is doing all the murders or is the disembodied hand really the culprit?

Despite my better judgement I enjoyed ‘The Hand’. It’s rubbish but it knows it’s rubbish and doesn’t pretend otherwise. Caine is manic throughout with his hairstyle getting ever madder as an insight to his mental state. The hand is well done and despite people clearly holding it on whilst it strangles them it’s a good laugh to see it scuttling about the place.

The film does stretch itself somewhat with a final wrong foot but as a study of madness and loss it is well done and it has a few unintended laughs peppered throughout, which adds to its appeal.

This was an early directorial outing for Oliver Stone before he got all political and for pure enjoyment purposes I’d put it up there with his best. Caine is of course working for the pay cheque but he gives it his all and is happy to go deep with the murder and sex scenes, despite the ridiculousness of each.

THE Tag Line : Give it a big hand! 68%

No. 131 : The Island (1980)

The Island at the IMDb

I’m in the middle of reading Michael Caine’s enjoyable autobiography ‘The Elephant to Hollywood’ and given the slagging he gave to ‘The Island’ I just had to move it up my viewing list.

Made in 1980 the film sits squarely in Caine’s wilderness years with rubbish like ‘The Swarm’ in the near past and ‘The Hand’ just up ahead - it’s almost like he had this blog in mind when making his flawed choices!

This effort sees him as an English journalist who bags an assignment to investigate the mysterious disappearance of dozens of ships in the Bahamas over the last few years. Over 2000 people have been lost but that doesn’t impress his editor who says the roads managed 50,000 in the same time. Not to be put off, Caine heads down to Florida with his annoying teenage son whom he buys a gun for, for no discernible reason, whilst on the way.

Caine hops on a cargo plane with the boy which manages to crash on a remote island - fair play to them, this sequence was pretty good but alas the budget when up in flames with the plane because it’s bargain basement from here on in.

Now stranded, Caine takes advice from a Hemmingway inspired old soak called Windsor played by the guy who was an old Alexei Sayle in an early season of ‘Stuff’. He’s really poor in this and you can only hope the drunk act was nothing of the kind. Anyway, Caine heads off on a boat towards the scene of many of the disappearances. He manages to finds a secret gang of pirates who have been pillaging the area for centuries in about five minutes, which does make you wonder what the authorities have been up to all this time.

The pirates have lived on ’The Island’ for 300 years and over time have developed their own dialect which sounds a lot like gibberish. Their leader is David Warner who takes a shine to Caine’s son. No, not like that. The boy is easily led and is soon giving his Dad no end of grief. Caine meanwhile busies himself with trying to escape and getting into the affections of a native lady. Can he get away and rescue his son? Will the pirates be exposed for the bunch of middle class English actors they are? Or will Caine’s sharp shooter son put his Dad out of his misery and save us all from Water ?

This was a fun romp despite being totally rubbish. It was written by Jaws scribe Peter Benchley but lacking the focus of a big shark, it meanders about as they try to find ways to advance the plot.

The pirates who include Bullman and Tinker off Lovejoy have no menace whatsoever and despite a few bloodthirsty murders they all look like they have just been pulled off the beach. Their motivations are weak given they look to avoid civilization yet regularly go on plundering sprees for NYC t-shirts and hi-fi equipment.

Caine is terrible as journalist and hapless Dad Blair Maynyard but he does have our sympathies as he’s dealing with a ridiculous script and some cringe worthy dialogue. At one point he utters ‘They’re a bunch of arseholes playing at Long John Silver’. Couldn’t have put it better myself!

THE Tag Line - Pirates of the has a beens 27%

No. 130 : The Actors (2003)

The Actors @ The IMDb

 The Michael Caine-a-thon reaches film 19 out of a potential 111 with ‘The Actors’, which I saw on general release in 2003 and awarded an IMDb score of 7 - but can remember nothing of it. That’s not to dismiss it out of hand as it is good fun, but I doubt I’ll have retained much of it when I inevitably come to watch it again in 15 years time.

Caine plays Anthony O’Malley, a washed up actor who is starring in a risible theatre production of Richard the Third set in Nazi Germany.  The cast includes Bernard Black himself, Dylan Moran, who is an awful actor but is kept on as he helps Caine with his hump. Both are at a low ebb after Moran fails a sausage commercial audition and Caine realises he’ll never get out of debt or low rent roles unless something changes.

Opportunity knocks when Caine, who is researching a role in a gangster’s bar, hears of an unclaimed debt for which the two parties involved have never met. This seems a bit convenient but it gives them the chance to hatch a scheme where their acting skills can be employed to collect the debt and split the cash.

The gangster, Barreller, played by Michael Gambon seems a tough prospect at first but Moran soon softens to him especially when he meets his daughter, Cersei Lannister. The Actors manage to get the cash but soon have to resort to ever more elaborate schemes to keep the real villains from taking back their money and exacting some deserved revenge.

‘The Actors’ is a pretty good distraction for 90 minutes. It’s no masterpiece but there are plenty of laughs throughout with the two leads quite happy to take the piss out of their profession and the luvvies who inhabit it. Caine especially does well as the old ham O’Malley. His language is choice throughout and he shows real dedication by appearing in drag at the end - how the baddies were ever convinced he was a woman is another matter.

The film has a five acts narrative device with a cute nine year old girl giving the narration and the guys some pointers. This was a bit cutesy pie for me and didn’t sit well in a script where every other word was an expletive. The pace did bounce along well though, and it was only towards the end that things started to get a bit muddled and contrived.

The two leads were good value but Michael Gambon seemed a bit muted in the potentially fun role of Barreller. He didn’t have too much to do though, conceding much of the ground to Lena Headey as his daughter who had to do her best with a thin romance with Moran.

It was good to see a lot of familiar faces bobbing about such as the sarcastic priest off ‘Father Ted’. He’s a really good actor!

All in all this was a fun film that didn’t take itself too seriously and neither should you. A suspension of disbelief is required as there are a lot of unlikely events, but it’s worth your time for Caine and Moran cursing a blue streak in some elaborate make up if nothing else.

THE Tag Line : Luvvie It 70%

No. 129 : The Destructors (1974)

 The Destructors @ the IMDb

 This film is also known as ‘The Marseilles Contract’ which might be a better and more relevant title but until we start doing a French cities movie blog ‘The Destructors’ it is. Hmmm ‘Dunkirk’, ‘Paris, Texas’, ’Bergerac’.. that idea has potential!

Anyway a side project of watching a lot of Michael Caine films drew me to this effort that has rightly been forgotten. It was made in 1974 in the middle of Caine’s ‘Paycheque first, script second’ phase, and it shows through the mercifully short 89 minutes run time.

The film opens with a man being crushed to death by a big Citroen. The man must have eaten too many croissants as the car is hardly moving before it pins him to a wall and crushes the life from him. Alas the script must have been in his pocket as any signs of life in that are extinguished too - and we‘ve not had the credits yet!.

We learn that the flattened citizen is in fact a U.S. D.E.A. agent who was on the trail of James Mason’s drug baron, Brizard. Mason has protection from on high and beleaguered policeman Anthony Quinn decides to hire an assassin to take him down. He is somewhat surprised when the assassin turns out to be Michael Caine - well wouldn’t you be?

We have already met Caine who was bedecked in double denim and shown to be a man of culture - we know this as he fixes his hi-fi so he can play Beethoven’s 5th while a tarty lady lies in his bed. Caine takes on the hit and proceeds to seduce Mason’s daughter so he can get into the inner sanctum - and into Mason’s house too.

The two men get on well and Caine does the odd job for Mason such as tossing an enemy off a half constructed building - just like he did to Alf Roberts in ‘Get Carter’! News of a big drugs shipment heading to Marseilles brings things to the boil and we have to wonder who Caine’s loyalties lie with and why are two Englishmen and a Greek causing al this bother to the poor old French.

This was a terrible, forgettable film with only a couple of minor, unintended, laughs to save it from being a complete washout. Caine plays himself, as usual, and sports some hideous outfits including shades at night and a red and black leather jacket that looks like a refugee from the ‘Thriller ‘ video. He’s not in the best of shape and puffs his way through the ‘action’ sequences - except when the stuntman takes over. Indeed, one of the highlights was a totally pointless motorcycle scene where the least convincing stuntman double since ‘The Omega Man’ does wheelies about some Parisian streets.

The plot is unnecessarily complex with Caine’s infiltration angle totally pointless - never heard of a sniper rifle Mike? Given the ending, a ticket to the dancing would have served just as well too! There is a half decent car chase cum seduction scene that was later replicated in ‘Goldeneye’ but it was telling of the budget that the only car that was destroyed was an old Citroen that the Luftwaffe missed.

From the title down this film is a baffling mess and totally merits James Mason’s constant disparaging look of ‘Oh I’ve just stepping in a turd’ - starred in one more like!

THE Tag Line : Hit Man Misses the Mark 35%

No.128 : The Handmaiden (2016)

The Handmaiden @ the IMDb

 Sometimes Worlds Collide when you have a few movie blogs and undocumented challenges. One such event precipitated my viewing of ‘The Handmaiden’ as I checked up to see if I was still able to claim that I’d seen every film on the IMDb top 250. Alas I had only seen 242 and although some like ‘Dead Poets Society’ and ‘Paper Moon’ will be picked up without comment, this effort at No.246 merits some Definite Article assessment.

It’s a subtitled Korean film that runs for 140 minutes - but don’t let that put you off - there are ample things to keep you interested such as a lush period setting and an intricate yet enjoyable plot. Oh and some hardcore lesbian sex; it has that too.

The film is set in the 1930’s during Japan’s occupation of Korea. We meet some street urchin mums who are vying for a job. We learn that 'career criminal' is the local trade and one girl hooks up with local villain ‘The Count’ to enact an elaborate scam on a Japanese heiress. The Count is a career con man and plans to seduce the heiress for her cash before decanting her to the nut house. The young girl, Sook-Hee, takes on the job as handmaiden to the heiress so she can facilitate The Count’s trip into the heiress’ bed and indeed, bank account.

The film is split into three acts and the first deals with the plan and how it plays out initially. The heiress has an aged uncle who has fallen on hard times and makes his living by forging dirty books which he has the heiress read to a group of seedy noblemen in the hope that they'll buy one for the long rickshaw ride home. The language here is a bit saucy, although they use a lot of metaphor. Either that or someone’s ‘Jade Gate’ is going to need hosed down in the morning. The Uncle also has designs on the fortune so our crafty pair have to outsmart him as well as avoid the usual pitfalls of falling in love and being played themselves.

The plan goes well until there is a masterful wrong foot and then Act 2 begins. This replays many of the events we have already witnessed, but from different characters' perspectives. Things that seemed plain to see are spun in different directions and it’s unclear who is playing who and for what ends. I won’t spoil the outcome here but there were plenty of surprising turns and others not so shocking, but welcome nonetheless.

The initial sex scenes were somewhat tame but once retold the story got a lot more explicit - a bit like the Uncle’s smutty drawings. The webs of deceit were expertly spun and the film flew past as various preconceptions were blown away and replaced with something even more shocking but still plausible.

You will need to give the film your full attention so as not to miss a lot of the subtle, and not so subtle hints. It is elegantly shot with high production values - it’s only a shame that the evil old Uncle looked about 30 with a grey wig on. There is some really nasty violence and some full on lesbian sex - but I was prepared to endure this for the excellent story that emerged, that captivated and surprised in equal measure.

Overall this is a worthy addition to the IMDb Top 250 and indeed to this fine blog!

THE Tag Line : ‘The Scissor Sisters in Concert!’ 85%

No.127 : The Voices (2014)

The Voices at the IMDb

The ubiquitous Ryan Reynolds stars as Jerry, a likeable chap who hears ’the voices’ and unfortunately, does ’the murders’

Jerry is a new recruit at a bathroom factory, a nice place to work where the uniforms are pink and the pizza is free. We get the sense early on that Jerry has a history as his job comes via a rehabilitation scheme. No one seems too bothered and Jerry gets put on a committee to arrange the works’ party.  At the first meeting he meets the lovely Fiona (Gemma Arterton) who reluctantly agrees to a date with Jerry before standing him up - huge mistake!

After a lonely Chinese dinner Jerry meets up with Fiona and her broken down car. She  accepts a lift  and things go OK until they hit a deer and Jerry puts it out of its misery with his handy huge knife, after having a conversation with it. Unsurprisingly Fiona makes a run for it before Jerry falls and plunges his knife into her belly - was it an accident or was it murder? We’re left uncertain - but not for long!

Back at his home - a converted out of town bowling alley - Jerry confides with his pets - a kindly dog called Bosco and a foul mouthed, Scottish accented, cat called Mr Whiskers. The cat is downright evil and tells Jerry to go back and get the body and cover his trail. Jerry doesn’t need much convincing and soon Fiona’s head is in Jerry’s fridge and her body decanted into dozens of Tupperware tubs.

We get to learn Jerry’s troubled backstory via flashbacks and visits to his psychotherapist and it’s pretty miserable stuff. Jerry gets persuaded to return to his meds and the voices stop and his home changes from its pristine, imagined state to a dank killer’s lair - which is really is. Fiona’s head also stops talking and becomes its true rotted self - time to bin the pills then!

With the cat’s encouragement Jerry takes up an over keen Anna Kendrick’s offer of a night out, and soon the fridge is getting busier, as the payroll department gets quieter. Can a happy ending be found for anyone in this grim, comedic tale?

This is an oddity of a film that I tried hard to like and despite some choice moments, it comes across as a tonal mess. It tries to be a dark comedy but the killings are all so brutal and terrifying for the victims it’s hard to sympathise with Jerry, despite his mitigating background.

The talking pets, voiced by Reynolds, are good fun but we are left in no doubt that it’s all Jerry as they go mute when he takes his pills. Gemma and Anna are both lovely and gamely play along with what must have been an objectionable script.

I did enjoy large parts of the film but any investment you build up is lost when Jerry goes homicidal. I’m all for a slasher pic but when it’s married with funny animals and pretty young women getting butchered it’s very jarring.

Reynolds does well in an increasingly random role but doesn’t really convince as a sane worker who can woo all the top totty yet live in a charnel house and talk to the animals. One co-worker says he’s a bit weird but that seemed like an afterthought. I guess they’d say he’s a classic schizophrenic - a bit like the film.

The whole enterprise is somewhat redeemed by a cracking end sequence with the reunited cast - and Jesus - singing a banging ‘Sing a Happy Song’. Again tonally this is all wrong but it’s great fun and the best end credits scene since ‘The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai’.

If you hear the voices telling you to watch this you’d do well to take their advice.


THE Tag Line : Sing a Happy Song - might cheer you up
Definite Rating : 60%

No. 126 : The Founder (2016)

The Founder at the IMDb

Have you ever wonder how lard slinging chain McDonalds became a worldwide brand? Me neither, but seemingly someone thought it a tale worth telling - so let’s have a look, and yes, you can have fries with that.

Michael Keaton gets his Birdman wings clipped as he stars as salesman and generally unlikeable swindle merchant Ray Kroc. It’s the early 1950’s and whilst trying to peddle milkshake machines he comes across the first McDonalds burger stand, owned and operated by Ron Swanson and his brother. The naive siblings take Ray in and basically give him the blueprints for the entire operation. Their motivations aren’t clear, apart from being good old honest working folk, but they soon regret it as Ray starts to take over.

Ray initially flounders as the founder as he’s tied into a poor contract with the brothers that sees very little money come his way. This leads to friction with his dour wife Laura Dern who basically just pulls sour faces in every scene she appears. Ray starts to branch out on his own, and after a chance meeting with Ryan from ‘The Office’, he realises that the real money is made in the restaurant property rather than from the burgers. Soon he aims to take over the business and after a few shady moves he ends up with a new wife and a shot at the big prize. Will McDonalds survive beyond the 1950’s? Will any of their patrons survive into their 50’s?

This bio-pic was Ok but you have to ask ‘why bother?’ The outcome was never really in doubt and as a viewer you had very little invested in seeing the corporate giant survive its difficult birth. Keaton’s Ray Kroc was an unlikeable and unsympathetic con man and his character arc never made it past the drive-thru. Even at the start, when he was a struggling salesman, he was a dick and the film never convinced in its notion that Ray’s corporate raiding was the result of an unfair contract or his oft mentioned perseverance. Basically he took advantage of a couple of hicks and made millions - thank you and have a bio-pic with your Happy Meal.

Of course not all bio-pic subjects have to be sympathetic but there was hardly a lot to engage with, when the big denouement centred around milk or powdered milk in the milk shakes.

The cast was pretty good with recognisable faces all over the place. Sadly most had little to do, with Ryan from ‘The Office’ a study in method acting as he scratches his chin when overhearing Ray’s financial woes at the bank. The direction was also lumpen with Ray’s drinking problem subtly suggested as he rushes for the bottle in practically every scene.

The sets and locations were good with some nice evocations of 50’s America. I liked how one outlet was shown as going to the dogs as there was a bit of litter outside! and a rough combing his hair in the car park!

Overall this was a serviceable 100 minute bio-pic that concerns a largely uninteresting subject in a world that offers little in the way of excitement - ooh will he get a bank loan?! Will there be two pickles in the bun?! Like the fast food it centred on this film was unsatisfying and will be quickly forgotten. Wait!  - No nuggets of interest!

THE Tag Line : Floundering Founder is a Filet-O-Pish 52%