No.217 : The Greatest (2009)

The Greatest at the IMDb

This film opens with Kick-Ass getting it on with Carey Mulligan - enjoy this happy scene as it’s the last bit of joy you’ll get for another 90 minutes, as a dysfunctional family deals with the loss of their son. Kick-Ass you see may be ‘the greatest’ in bed but isn’t so hot on his driving. He stops in the middle of the road to profess his love and is killed by Michael Shannon’s truck for his trouble.

His mother Susan Sarandon is devastated and his father Pierce Brosnan is a bit upset too. His brother is mostly stoned and the bereaved girlfriend, who survived the wreck, finds that she is pregnant.

We learn that Pierce, a maths professor, had an affair with Jennifer Ehle and his marriage is on shaky ground as a result. Sarandon wakes up crying every day and wants to know what happened in the 17 minutes following the crash, before her son expired. The other driver Shannon, is in a convenient movie coma, so she goes and reads to him hoping that he awakes and fills in the blanks.

The pregnant Mulligan moves in with the family but finds it hard to connect with Mum who wishes the girl had died and not her son. She also doesn’t want people to think they are blessed with the son’s baby, when she is grieving for her first born. Meanwhile the less favoured druggy son heads to a grief support group a la ‘Fight Club’ and meets a nice girl who sadly turns out to be a mental.

The film progresses in chapters, signalled by the months of the pregnancy. As she becomes due Pierce has a heart episode, Sarandon has a breakdown and Shannon wakes up - it’s almost like a movie script! Will the baby be born without issues and will it be accepted by the dysfunctional family who could fill a whole season of Alan Partridge’s ‘Problem People’?

I tried to like this film, and to be fair it had a lot of good qualities, but at the end it all seemed somewhat forced and unrealistic. For a start Brosnan and Sarandon weren’t a good match. You could say that’s why he strayed but her earthiness and his tidiness never really gelled, and in some scenes with them both wailing it was flat out embarrassing.

Mulligan was better, but she hadn’t much of an emotional range given she’d had the hardest time out of everyone. The big fall out seemed totally engineered and the coming together was laughable as the family chased the labouring mum to be through the woods. Everyone had a breakthrough and all was put right just in time.

Shannon, who spent the first 70 minutes in a coma only got one real scene and he didn’t convince as the criminal car crasher. He starts by telling Sarandon to bugger off but after a moment’s pleading he manages to recount every second of Kick-Ass’ last minutes in beautiful detail. Maybe that’s what she needed, but I doubt that’s what she really would have gotten in a prison hospital from a man going to the clink due to her idiot son.

The film did have some touching moments and was a decent essay on the way different people have varying reactions to loss. It seemed a bit pat and convenient on many levels however, and far from being ‘the greatest’ it will have to settle for ‘the average’ in this critic’s book.

THE Tag Line : Bring the Kleenex - no not like that -  57%

No.216 : The Chameleon (2010)

The Chameleon at the IMDb

Sometimes you see a story on the news and think ‘That’ll make an interesting film!’. Other times you go with ‘mmm, that’s interesting, I wonder if ‘Tipping Point is on?’ This film falls squarely into the second category. It’s a decent set up, based on a true story, but not a lot happens and things panned out pretty much as I expected from the off.

The film tries to be interesting by jumping about with the narrative timeline but ultimately it’s about someone faking an identity and getting caught doing it. There are the motivations of the various characters to consider, such  as to how they allowed this to happen but ultimately, who cares? The films tries and fails to inject some drama and insight into proceedings but it ends up with all the excitement of a ‘Crimewatch’ re-enactment.

The films opens in 2006 with Famke Janssen’s FBI agent trawling the bayou in Louisiana, presumably for a body. Before anything happens we jump back to 2000 and a boy being found in the street claiming he had escaped from kidnappers who had held him since 1996. He says he is an American boy who had gone missing in 1996 and, given he knows the names of all of the missing boy’s family, he is reinstated to them.

The sister greets him with open arms, the brother less so. The mother, played by a scuzzy Ellen Barkin, isn’t keen at first but soon starts to confide in her ‘son‘. No one seems to worry about the boy’s change in appearance or his new French accent and no one apart from Janssen who smells a rat. She thinks the brother killed his missing sibling and his acceptance of this interloper is proof that he has something to hide. Sister and mother both have their own issues and this new transplant offers an answer to some of their problems.

After an hour Janssen, like the viewer, gets bored of all the hanging around and arranges a DNA test which proves the missing son is in fact a serial French con man, who has multiple identities. He gets charged with the impersonation but can his new foothold in the family generate any new leads into the case of the missing boy? Before long we are back at the bayou where we started - will something get resolved at last?

I wasn’t impressed by this film and had nothing invested in any of the paper thin characters. Druggie Mum Barkin was like Seymour Skinner’s Mum accepting Armin Tamzarian into her home despite all the evidence to the contrary. The sister , who was an awful actor, was just plain needy and the violent and  potentially murderous brother carried all the threat of a Teletubby.

Famke had a thankless task going through the detective motions and you have to wonder why they bothered. We knew from the start he was a big faker and even though it was a true story it beggared belief that the police would accept the ‘missing’ boy’s story at face value, especially as all his knowledge of ‘his’ family was freely available on the internet.

I think the story would have been better served as a documentary, as the dramatic elements  that were introduced didn’t take and stuck out like a sore thumb. If you need to know about this thin tale I’d recommend the Wikipedia page over this dull 90 minute hash of the facts.

THE Tag Line - He Came, He Faked He Went Away -  45%

No.215 : The Driver (1978)

The Driver at the IMDb

One of the better known definitive films now, as we delve into this noirish 1978 effort, that sees Ryan O’Neal’s titular driver takes on Brue Dern’s Detective.

I hadn’t seen this in a while and it struck me by how much style wins over substance. The film is relatively short at 91 minutes, and large sections of that are taken up with car chases or moody silences. O’Neal doesn’t say a word for the first 15 minutes and only has 350 words of wisdom in the whole film - dark and moody type you understand.

The film opens with a casino heist and the ensuing car chase get away. More cop cars get trashed than in a ‘Blues Brothers’ marathon but our man gets away. The criminals he’s working with were late and won’t see Ryan on anther job as a result. His rules have kept him out of prison so far. This time however there is a witness, and manic cop Dern is keen to collar ‘The Cowboy’, as he calls O’Neal due to his love of Country & Western music.

The witness fails to pick O’Neal from a line up but we later learn that she’s been paid off to provide O’Neal with an alibi. The witness, played by Isabelle Adjani, doesn’t say much either and prefers to stare a lot.

Dern decides that he won’t catch O’Neal by playing fair so after capturing a hapless trio of robbers he offers them a deal - one more job with O’Neil as the driver and they can walk away. This generous offer is accepted despite the protests of Dern’s underlings - is he becoming obsessed? You bet.

The robbery goes down, but there are double crosses and bag switches galore before we learn who, if anyone, is going to drive off into the sunset.

Directed by Walter Hill this film is a lot like his next project ‘The Warriors’ although not as good. O’Neil tries to do broody and interesting but he and Adjani look like they have lost their scripts in most of their scenes, with you almost shouting at the screen for them to spit it out. Dern is better as the obsessed policeman and no one can out stare him in what is largely a staring contest throughout.

Of course all the memorable scenes are the car chases and you get two good ones for your money as well as a Merc getting trashed in a parking garage -  and a bus ride too. I did get a sense that the footage had been sped up somewhat but the pace was excellent, with a real sense of danger. New York City planners should however be criticised for having a large ramp on every corner that flips cars over - that’s plain dangerous.

With very little script and no romance this is a slight affair, but there are enough good scenes in the short run time to keep you occupied. You don’t buy into any of the characters and no back-story or even real names are offered. I think the film was trying to be a sort of parable or morality tale, with the characters irredeemable and all wearing the same clothes throughout, like they are characters from a comic book.

Not one that will live long in the memory once the tyre screeching has dissipated but some excellent driving stunts make it all worthwhile.

THE Tag Line - Drive Don’t Talk!  68%

No.214 : The Cooler (2003)

The Cooler at the IMDb

Time for middle aged man wish fulfilment now - getting off with Maria Bello and winning at Vegas.

William Hall Macy, to give him his full name, stars as Bernie, a cooler in a Vegas casino. He’s basically the physical embodiment of bad luck and is employed by the casino to cool down players on a hot streak. His effectiveness is displayed by how much cream he gets in his coffee (not a metaphor) and how baggy his suit is. As the film starts he’s super baggy and cream free but that will soon change.

His casino, The Golden Shangri-La, is the last of the old school casinos, still run by the mob and holding out against the corporate takeover that has befallen many of its contemporaries. The manager Alec Baldwin likes his old school crooners and leg breaking policy, but change is on the way in the form of Ron Livingston’s corporate go-getter who is keen to transform the ageing casino.

Things change fro Bernie too as he meets up with attractive waitress Maria Bello. It’s unclear why she takes a shine to Bernie but the pair hit it off and are soon repaying Bernie’s demonstrative neighbours with sex noises of their own, albeit faked ones. This upswing in Bernie’s happiness is a dampener on his powers and soon everyone is winning on his watch. Added to the mix is Bernie’s hustler son and his possibly pregnant girlfriend and Bernie’s ambition to leave his old life behind. Can he get away and find happiness or will Baldwin display his big brass balls once again and keep him in his cooler job?

I hadn’t seen this film in many years and although I still liked it, it was hard to justify my previous 8/10 rating. It is very good with some excellent performances, but I just fund it somewhat slight the second time around. No explanation is given for Bernie’s powers and although Bello likes astrology, there is no suggestion that anything supernatural is going on. I think it was better left unexplained but as a gimmick it was a but light to carry a whole film - I could see it as an ‘X-Files’ episode quite comfortably, but as a 100 minute feature it seemed a bit padded.

Macy and Bello were good and I liked that my early thoughts that she’d never go for him were borne out when Baldwin’s scheming was revealed. It was nice that she did end up liking him after all and it’s doubtful that his piles of cash had anything to do with that. Both were fully immersed in their role and, whilst their expressions of love were justified in the context of the film, I could have done without the shots of Macy’s sweaty bum.

Baldwin was excellent as the casino boss hanging onto the old times but he didn’t quite match the intensity of his ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ performance. It was also good to see Ron Livingston off ‘Office Space’ and ‘Band of Brothers’ but he didn’t get much to work with as the corporate face of Vegas’ future.

There were some quite brutal scenes of women being beaten up and the film wasn’t shy is showing Vegas’ seamy underbelly, but a pat ending made for an enjoyable if slightly underwhelming experience.


THE Tag Line : Worth a Flutter 70%

No.213 : The Goob (2014)

The Goob at the IMDb

Oh a teenage coming of age film? That’ll be nice. Oh wait, British? Miserable it is then.

‘The Goob’ of the title is a 16 year old lad who has just finished school in rural Norfolk. He leaves the school bus for the last time and enters a world of, well not very much really.

Goob rides his moped to meet a bloke who I think was his Dad. He has a laugh and borrows some clothes having left the school bus in his pants - must be an English thing. He heads to the grim transport café where his mother works and then out to the banger racing with his brother and Mum’s new man Gene. Gene wins the race and goes home for some special attention from Goob’s mother. Goob and his brother sneak in and steal the keys for the stock car and head out for a joyride. Gene soon catches up and, following a crash, Goob’s brother is left in comedy traction.

Reasonably enough, Gene isn’t happy and has Goob work in his fields where the pumpkin harvest is due. Gene buses in a load of Eastern European field workers and, as the days of toil in the field goes by, Goob’s attention is drawn to a pretty young girl. Meanwhile a new camp employee has joined also and Gene ‘s wandering eye moves on to waitress Hannah Spearitt and to Goob’s object of desire.

Will anything happen or is this just a long hot summer slice of life?

I had concerns about this film from the off having noticed it was funded by the BBC and the BFI - worthiness was quickly confirmed and we were treated to 84 minutes of country living in the company of a bunch of chavs. Sadly it was more ‘bubonic’ than ‘bucolic’. Fair enough it was probably true and realistic, but not all stories need to be told.

The standout was Sean Harris, who graduated from this to be the baddie in the last two ‘Mission Impossible’ films. Maybe less worthy, but far more enjoyable. He exudes a quite menace and to be honest I was a bit disappointed that his character wasn’t as mental as his malevolent presence suggested.

I felt Liam Walpole in the title role was a bit limited and engaging. Quietness was his thing, but he failed to instill any sense of character with me. I preferred his campy friend, who looked lucky to get out alive after doing a dance number in Gene’s wife’s dress. It was a shame we didn’t see more of Hannah Spearritt as the downtrodden waitress Mary, but she was decent in her limited screen time.

Overall not much happened. I was awaiting a big revelation, a murder or some crazy twist but instead all I got was some people picking stuff in a field and lots of shouting at low rent barbecues. I’m sure these films are seen as important historical documents but for me, you need to add a wee bit of entertainment or narrative into the mix to make a viewing more than just a worthy pursuit.

It looked nice and the long hot summer was well realised, I just needed more to happen and for there to be a third act. Or a second.

THE Tag Line : North Norfolk’s Best Pumpkin Mix 51%

No.212 : The Harvest (2013)

The Harvest (2013) at the IMDb

Not so much foreshadowing about that poster as much as ‘this is how it ends’! Oh well, with one surprise out of the way let’s have a look at what else this decent thriller can offer.

The film opens with a boy going down after being struck by a ball at a pee-wee baseball match. He is saved by surgeon Samantha Morton, who we presume to be a good sort and worthy of a solid clapping on a Thursday night. We further sympathise with her when we learn that her son Andy is confined to a wheelchair due to an unspecified ailment.

His Dad, blog favourite Michael Shannon, manages to get him black market medicine from a pharmaceuticals rep who he is also boffing on the side. Andy‘s pitiful existence of watching the corn grow outside his window is enhanced with the arrival of Maryann, a 14 year old who has moved into the neighbourhood with her grandparents following the death of her parents.

She chances across Andy and is soon climbing into his bedroom and getting up to those usual teenage games of building scarecrows and sneaking around the house. Samantha is very protective of Andy to the extent she gets totally mental with any interference with his rehabilitation. Maryann gets grounded by her grandfather Peter Fonda, but a revelation in the basement leads to her taking even greater chances.

What is going on in the secret household and will ‘the harvest’ be a lovely big pile of potatoes - or something more sinister?

I liked this film despite some of the crazy leaps in logic that were needed to propel the plot. I liked the young Maryann, who was very Nancy Drew, but I have no idea her motivation for creeping into sick teen’s bedrooms and for digging about for clues when ostensibly there was nothing going on. Maybe she just though Mum’s overacting was hiding something.

Samantha Morton didn’t quite ring true as the mad mother with her outbursts seeming a bit of a stretch.I was hoping for more from her in the last third but she just faded away. Shannon was his usual good value but was a bit underused. He was clearly meant to be in Morton’s shadow but I could have done with a bit more of his trademark mania. His arc wasn’t that well defined with his actions at the conclusion not really being merited, given his years of devotion to the cause.

The two kids did well, with Andy played by Charlie Tahan who later becomes Wyatt in ‘Ozark’ and Natasha Calis was good value as Maryann, and certainly better than she was in her last sighting in ‘When Calls the Heart’.

The film kept me guessing for the most part and I liked the big twist at the end. The make up seemed a bit off with both Fonda and Shannon looking decidedly orange in several scenes - maybe the harvest was of fake tan.

Nit picking aside this was an enjoyably mystery thriller with just a smidgen of horror thrown in for good measure.

THE Tag Line : Pick of the Crop!  73%

No.211 : The Gift (2000)

The Gift at the IMDb

We finish our Keanu year 2000 triumvirate with ‘The Gift’ following ‘The Replacements’ and ‘The Watcher’. To say this is the best of the three is like saying Alec is the best Baldwin brother actor - it’s not really a competition.

This has quality written all over it with a top cast, cracking director in Sam Raimi and even Billy Bob Thornton showing up as co-writer. 

Cate Blanchett stars and gets a before the title credit which seemed strange so early in her career, but having seen the film you can see why - she is in nearly every scene and gives a cracking performance. She plays Annie, a young widow with three boys who possesses a psychic gift. She doles out readings to locals, such as beaten wife Hilary Swank who is married to the brutal Keanu. Keanu is a total bastard and blames Annie for his marriage problems rather than his philandering and wife punching powers.

Annie’s kids are playing up and on a visit to the principal Greg Kinnear she meets his fiancée, Katie Holmes. Katie has learned of Annie’s gift and asks if she sees anything in her and Greg’s future. She says she doesn’t, but we get a flash of Katie’s scabby and wet feet and know that things don’t bode well for her. Into the mix we also get Giovanni Ribisi’s slightly slow mechanic and Bill Lumbergh as the sleazy town prosecutor.

The action ramps up when Katie goes missing and, after a few days, they call in Annie for some clues. Police chief J Jonah Jamieson is sceptical, but less so when Katie’s body is fished out of Keanu’s pond, following Annie’s tip. 

After a court case, where Annie is branded a witch, Keanu goes down but Annie’s visions keep on coming. She knows that Keanu didn’t kill Katie, but who did?

This was a great film that was well told and edited with lots of clues peppered throughout. You have at least four solid suspects for the murder, and although I guessed correctly, any of the others would have been just as likely.

Blanchett does well as the wise women and I liked how she inhabited her visions while the past played out. The solid cast all did well apart from maybe Ribisi who was a bit too ‘Of Mice and Men’ for my liking. Word was that Billy Bob was asked to play the part, but I can see why he refused as it may have been a bit too close to ‘Slingblade’ for comfort.

I liked how Keanu was set up as the villain, but even after his conviction which saw Annie freed from his abuse, she still fought for the truth. Keanu was good as the bad guy and looked powerful when dishing out the lady beatings. Down the cast I liked Katie Holmes as the slutty Jessica and I wish we’d seen more of Bill Lumbergh’s pants down prosecutor.

The pacing and direction was excellent and I liked the final twist that gave an even more spooky and satisfying end to an entertaining film. Overall a cracking supernatural offering that will leave an impression.

THE Tag Line : Give Yourself the Gift of The Gift   -  80%

No.210 : The Victim (2011)

The Victim at the IMDb

Michael Biehn, who you’ll know as Hicks from ‘Aliens’, wrote directed and starred in this offering, which I thought was terrible, but on reading up on it that may have been the intention.

Filmed in 15 days the film is Biehn’s attempt at a grind house film and although it doesn’t hit all the marks, it was good fun as a piece of disposable trash. At the start a ‘Based on True Events’ caption came up. Having seen the film that seemed an outrageous claim, especially as you’d ask who’s telling the story?, but a rewind showed that the word ‘Not’ flashed briefly in front of the caption. I was glad to have watched it thinking it to be a true story as every unlikely twist made it seem even more outrageous.

The film opens with a nice POV walk in the woods…what’s this we find? A cute kitten? Some pixies? No it’s a man doing a hooker doggy style over a tree stump. She’s not being raped but not particularly enjoying it either. Her committed lover doesn’t like her lack of engagement in his dirty talk so he breaks her neck.

We then cut to Biehn getting his shopping and his trip home. This drive takes forever and it is either to demonstrate how far out into the woods he lives or to pad the run time which only amounts to 82 minutes in total. He barely gets his coat off when a woman in hooker gear appears at his door, begging for his help. He’s a bit of a hermit, but a gullible one too, so he lets her in and lets her tell her tale in flashback.

She tells him that she and her friend went to party with two policemen friends in the woods. The friend is the one from the opening scene, so we know it doesn’t end well. Anyway the murderous policeman calls his friend to help with the body whilst he gets it on with the door knocking lady, and amazingly he goes! The lady then overhears their plans for her and flees, ending up at Biehn’s cabin.

Back in the present and the two renegade cops are at the door and Biehn manages to shoo them away. The lady, Annie, who is a stripper, refuses to call the cops as this goes way to the top - the murderer is in line to be Chief of Police so she suggest they go and look for her friend’s body. Amazing Biehn agrees and after not finding it, the stripper and the aged hermit have gratuitous sex in many positions. Annie was played by Biehn’s real life wife so fair play to him for sharing. The murderer cop breaks in to the love shack, but is subdued and tortured into a confession. The happy couple then go to the promised location of the body but Biehn and Annie get captured by the cop‘s accomplice. 

Who will escape next and who will survive? - and what relevance are those serial killer reports we keep hearing?

This was a cheaply made effort that had some risible acting and dialogue but to be honest I quite enjoyed its honest rubbishness. Biehn shouts a lot, presumably because he has been watching the daily rushes. His wife was a terrible actress and I can only assume she got the job because of two things - that she was his wife and was punctual.

The ‘happier times’ flashbacks were pointless but good fun as the two stripper friends tried on a variety of skimpy costumes and watched seemingly irrelevant news reports.

The two cops lacked any menace or personality but to be fair they were given all of the worst lines of dialogue and the most ridiculous situations to try and make believable.

The violence was quite graphic with one head smashing particularly gruesome - at least his face healed up in time for the burial! Lot’s of clichés were in attendance such as the dirt thrown in the face during a fight. Old and hackneyed or a grindhouse tribute? You decide! 

I did like that the ‘victim’ of the title wasn’t the dead stripper but the idea that “you take life by the balls; don’t be the victim”. Fair enough, but coming from the murderer it can hardly be seen as sage advice.

It was clearly not a film to be taken too seriously which was just as well as it made no logical sense whatsoever. It was competently made for the most part, so it’s not on a par with ‘The Room’ but you will have to go far to see a more trashy and ridiculous offering than ‘The Victim’

The Tag Line : If You Go Down to the Woods Today…   51%

No.209 : The Raven (1963)

The Raven (1963) at the IMDb

We already saw a version of ‘The Raven’ but despite both being about the Poe poem this is a completely different kettle of fish than the John Cusack version.

This one from 1963 has a lot to recommend it with Roger Corman directing and the writing by Richard Matheson who also gave us the ‘Omega Man’ book ‘I am Legend’. The cast is also stellar with Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff and even a young Jack Nicholson all hamming it up. It would be impossible for the film to be as good as the sum of its parts but it’s still plenty of fun.

We open with a 16th century Price reciting the Poe poem ‘The Raven’ - just forget it wasn’t written until 300 odd years later. He plays a magician who has fun creating a large neon raven with his fingers before he is interrupted by a tap, tap tapping on his window. He is surprised to find a raven trying to get in and is even more surprised when it starts talking like Peter Lorre. The bird explains it is the victim of an enchantment and it needs Price’s help to restore himself to his human form.

Price agrees to help and after mixing up a potion Lorre is largely restored to his normal self, albeit with the feathers still in place. They need more potion but are lacking the vital ingredient of dead man’s hair - luckily Price has a handy source in the shape of his dead dad in the family crypt. He gets his lock but is surprised when his departed daddy tells him to ‘beware’. Price is a bit spooked and even more so when Lorre tells him that Price’s dead wife Lenore has been seen in the castle of local mystery man Boris Karloff. He checks that Lenore’s rotting body is still in place, and it is, but he worries that Karloff may have her soul.

The pair resolve to visit the old mystic and take along Price’s daughter and Lorre’s son, Jack Nicholson, for good measure. The coach ride takes an age but eventually they are at Castle Karloff (it’s only a model). Will our troupe solve the mystery of Lenore? Who is the best at throwing bolts out of their fingers and how many times can they squeeze ‘nevermore’ into the script?

I quite enjoyed this film despite it being nothing like what I expected. I went in expecting Gothic horror but instead got camp comedy for my troubles. It wasn’t an out and out laugh fest, but the mirth out scored the horror by five to one. Price was his usual, reliable self and good value as the aged magician. Lorre was good fun as the raven and as the duplicitous Dr Bedlo. Karloff was marvellously hammy as Dr Scarabus and a young Nicholson did OK as the son, but I’m not sure why he was wearing a Robin Hood costume throughout.

The action largely took place on a couple of sets, but there was enough going on to keep my interest. I liked the magicians’ duel with Price shooting green beams from his fingers whilst Karloff’s were blue - C’mon Boris!

Bits of Poe’s poem were laced throughout the script, but it certainly wasn’t a rigid adaptation of the source material, with Lenore for one taking a radically different character arc. At only 86 minutes the film doesn’t outstay its welcome and it was good fun to see an array of stars at different ends of their career trajectories.

A real historical treasure trove that, whilst never a classic, is well worth a look.

The Tag Line : Beam Me Up!  69%

No.208 : The Invasion (2007)

The Invasion at the IMDb

I had always avoided this film despite its top notch cast and sci-fi plot, mainly because of its stinky reputation. Seemingly the first cut was so terrible the director got the boot and the ‘V for Vendetta’ team of the Wachowskis and director James McTeigue were drafted in to salvage something from the project. I don’t know how bad the original was, but the revised offering was certainly a dud, so it must have been completely dire.

We open in the middle of the drama with psychiatrist Nicole eating a load of pills and drinking some Mountain Dew - we’ve all been there. We flashback to the space shuttle ‘Patriot’ blowing up on re-entry. The debris left has a bacterial residue on it and Kidman’s ex-husband Jeremy Northam gets cut by a piece when handed it by a pesky kid. His new wife, who used to be married to Axe off ‘Billions’ is a right cow when he complains of feeling unwell and rightly never seen again in the rest of the film. Northam has a bad night and is soon a full on snotty husk.

Meanwhile, Kidman’s kid is out for Halloween and, after her son’s friend gets bitten by a dog, she finds what looks like a bit of skin in his candy bag - I used to just get nuts and a tangerine. She takes this to her friend (but he’d like to be more) Daniel Craig who sends it on to virologist Jeffrey Wright who has some immediate computer graphics and techno babble set up to reveal that this pathogen is taking over people and to explain the plot for slow people.

It was probably lost in the re-edit but the diagnosis came with indecent haste as does the vaccine. I suppose we are all experts in viruses now, not so much in 2007! They also come up with some advice which was basically just plot points for us to remember, such as you can’t go to sleep and you can’t display emotions, lest the infected sniff you out.

Jeffrey has a secure lab set up but Kidman can’t leave her precocious kid behind as he may be immune to the virus and hold the key to a cure. That, and he’s so darn cute. Craig, in full puppy dog mode follows her about and soon they are back in the pharmacy where we started the film. Can our heroes avoid the infection and will the world be cured? And what will happen in the film?

This was a total clunker, but I did stay until the end and it was unintentionally funny in places. The film is yet another take on ‘The Bodysnatchers’ with the allegory switched from McCarthyism to our generally switched off and ‘don’t care’ society. It was done with a leaden hand with all the infected standing and staring whilst our heroes tried to look flat and uninteresting - job done! In places it was a lot like the far better ‘The World’s End’ but not as funny or engaging.

It started off being a bit creepy,but soon descended into farce as hordes of infected were around every corner with the ambition of puking into your mouth. The ending and the solution was so pat and unconvincing that it put me in mind of another Kidman clunker ‘The Stepford Wives’ where everything was sorted, literally at the push of a button.

Kidman did OK with limited material in a role that basically just saw her running around a lot. Daniel Craig, in his last role before becoming James Bond, was terrible in a nothing part. He has a half mullet, half feather cut haircut and basically just goo-goo eyes Kidman throughout. It was funny when he ‘turned’ as there was no discernible difference.

The massive edits and reshoots were obvious with big leaps in the plot and internal logic appearing without comment. It went from ‘Oh I may have the flu’ to the city being overrun. It was possibly not as bad as I anticipated but it was still pretty bad. In a world full of contagion and indeed body snatching films this is one invasion that’s easy to resist.

THE Tag Line : Evade the Invasion - 52%