No.163 : The Machinist (2004)

The Machinist at the IMDb

Christian Bale’s having a right hard time of it - he hasn’t slept in a year and he’s as skinny as Kate Moss’ recipe book. He plays Trevor Reznik, the titular factory worker who has a shaky grasp on reality.

He lives a dull existence enlivened only to his trips to see hooker with a heart Jennifer Jason Leigh. When we first meet him he’s trying to dispose of a body in a rug and much of the film is spent getting us back to this flash forward. Dead people always seem to be getting wrapped in rugs in the movies - I wonder if it ever happens in real life?

If I’m getting off topic it’s only because Bales started it. He stares at walls and goes on flights of fancy whilst trying to solve the hangman puzzle that keeps appearing on his fridge door. His poor attention span doesn’t end well for colleague Michael Ironside who gets his arm lopped off after Bale hits the wrong button with one of his pointy out ribs. It’s a shame as Ironside’s arms had only just grown back since ‘Total Recall’.

Bale doesn’t blames his bad diet or lack of sleep for his woes, no, it’s all a big conspiracy headed by Ivan. Ivan is a big man with dark glasses and a sports car who is always around but seen by no one else but Bale. It’s OK though, he’s got a photo of him to remind him he’s not going nuts.

He tries for a slice of redemption with his flirtation with a waitress at an airport diner. A few $20 tips get him a date with her and her epileptic son, but a visit to the rather graphic ghost train means the day doesn’t end well.

Will Bale’s weight down under 9 stone he hatches a plan to nail Ivan - get his address from his car registration plate. Sadly the DMV will only give this if he’s in an accident. One accident later he’s been smashed up and back on the dock dragging the body in the rug - who’s really the mad man here? It’s gonna be him for sure.

And it is! But in a rewarding kind of way that ultimately wasn’t that unexpected. It is a good but disturbing film. There’s a lot of scenes under buzzing electrical lights and the factory where Bale works is like something out of ‘Brazil’.

He constantly gets asked the question ’who are you’ and it’s clear there is something going on - doppelgangers? Schizophrenia or just plain old bats shit crazy? - you decide.

It’s really Bale’s show with his weight loss absolutely devastating to the point of being distracting. Of the second string I liked Michael Ironside’s character who sees the upside of having his arm chewed off and Jennifer Jason Leigh gives her usual, ahem, fully committed performance.

As the film spiralled to it’s conclusion I doubt if many were surprised at the twist but there were enough clues laced about to make it satisfying. The only thing that took me out of it was a ropy Photoshop job - why do old photos in films never look convincing?

All in all an interesting whodunit or more a ‘why did he do it‘.  Might put you off your nachos though - or put you on them, depending on your girth.

THE Tag Line - Machinist Screws Himself Up 77%

No.84 : The Vikings (1958)

The Vikings at the IMDb

Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis star in this 1958 campy historical romp which my cynical eye believes not to be 100% factual.

It is England in the Dark Ages and the Vikings are raiding and ruffling the ladies’ clothes. The king has been killed and his Queen is been pensioned off by the new pretender to the throne. The Queen confides in the Bishop that she was impregnated by a Viking and the child will be the rightful heir. The Bishop sends the infant off to Italy so a bunch of priests can look after it - a likely tale! The boy is given a rare jewel to prove his lineage - well DNA testing is about 1200 years away.

Meanwhile the Vikings return home with much revelry and a fey Englishman who has fled the land after being correctly accused of helping the raiders. They go for a tour of the grounds and after Kirk’s falcon fails a test he’s upstaged by a slave who has the better bird. A fight breaks out and Kirk ends up one eye down. The slave, who turns out to be Tony Curtis under a beard, is condemned to the traditional ‘death by crabs’ - and not in a good way!

A seeming intervention by the Gods saves Tony from his nippy fate and he is claimed by the English traitor - possibly because of that rare stone he wears around his neck - remember that? A bit of digging reveals the infant was saved from the priests by the Vikings without them knowing his true identity. The Vikings soon set off for England again with a plan to kidnap the King’s bride to be - a rather fetching Janet Leigh. They get there and back in five minutes and after a bit of squabbling over who gets first dibs Tony frees the wench and they make off in a stolen longboat.

The low speed chase results in Kirk crashing his boat and Tony rescuing Ernest Borgnine, the Viking leader whom he takes prisoner. He also takes a fancy to Janet especially after getting a hot look at her sexy back when she reluctantly pitches in on the rowing. Tony delivers the Viking chief to the evil King but after helping him have hero’s death in the wolf pit he forfeits a hand to the malevolent monarch. Tony heads back to the Fjords and the eyepatched Kirk and soon the two join forces to gets some revenge and steal the girl. Will the two save the girl and who gets her fair hand? Will the crown be restored to the rightful heir and will an early episode of ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ save some sibling slaughter?

I wasn’t looking forward to this raid on the dressing up box but it was a lot of fun with plenty of action. It is of course hard to see beyond the two Hollywood stars hamming it up as Norsemen but they have so much fun in the roles that you soon forget your misgivings and sign on for the ride.

The cast is uniformly great but I especially enjoyed Frank Thring as the evil king. His overacting made Dr Evil look low key but he is so malevolent and hammy that he’s a joy to boo. Leigh is lovely if somewhat bland and Borgnine was almost unrecognisable as the rapist Viking Chief.

The production was lavish with some cracking locations and a cast of thousands, most of whom got killed by a variety of gruesome methods - axes, big rocks, arrows you name it. The fate and destiny elements were well signposted with a wise woman on hand to keep us right lest we have fallen asleep. The big ending battle was well executed with a couple of inventive ways employed to get into the impregnable castle. The closing scenes were more of a shock but I’m all for a few last minute surprises.

At two hours the film never drags and despite the action switching from England to Norway like they are a bus stop apart the customs and battles seemed well researched and authentic - unlike Tony’s false handless arm!

THE Tag Line : Vi-King of the Castle!

Rating : 77%

No.36 : The Box (2009)

The Box at the IMDb

It’s 1976 and the Voyager space probes have been launched. Cameron Diaz is married to Cyclops out of ‘X-Men’ and is about to get a delivery. The couple find a box on their door step with a message saying that the delivery man will call the next day - maybe the sender hadn’t put enough stamps on it.

The next day the box delivery man arrives in the shape of Richard Nixon himself, Frank Langella, complete with a CGI covered half face. He tells the couple in a matter of fact fashion that if they press the button on the device inside the box someone they don’t know will die and they’ll get a million bucks. Rather than just smack the button down and demand the cash they have a restless night pondering the dilemma before Cameron presses the button. Huge mistake.

Frank returns to collect his box and delivers the cash. As he leaves he tells them the box will now go to someone else who will be made the same offer - the implication being that Cameron and Cyclops may be the victims of a future button press. Understandably upset they try to weasel out of the deal but are undone at every turn as the box distribution people have confederates on every corner - usually identified by a bleeding nose.

Things start getting a bit weird as legions of seemingly mind controlled people start chasing Cyclops around a library before he is sent home via a big block of water. Meanwhile we see some panicked souls at Langley who know that Frank was killed by lightening shortly after the Voyager probe took off, before being returned to life. They now know that he is in the box and money distribution business but to what end?

Slowly we start to gather the threads together and learn that the whole box set up is a test by persons unknown to gauge the moral value of society and of humanity in general. With Frank back at Cameron’s house he offers an impossible dilemma and the identity of the unknown person who must die in exchange for the cash may not be so unfamiliar after all.

When I saw the first half hour of this film I was wondering why it was called the ‘The Box’ rather than ‘The Button’. As the film progresses however you realise that the button isn’t important and that the box referred to isn’t the container but the restrictions by which we live our lives. At first the dilemma seems a no brainer but then the film cleverly wrong foots you to the point where you think any button pressing would definitely be a bad thing.

I liked the general air of menace and unease that permeates through the film and the idea that everyone is in on this massive conspiracy was a fun if slightly unoriginal one. The first hour of the movie is like a 70s melodrama with a ‘what would you do?’ type narrative before it heads off into totally unexpected places. The CGI of the suspended blocks of water look a bit out of place in the beige 70’s setting but are unnerving and sinister all the same.

The film doesn’t fully explain what was afoot or the motivations behind those involved but I liked that it made you think and subverted your original expectations.

The three leads all do serviceable turns with Diaz possibly the weakest with her varying Southern drawl. I liked how her character was fleshed out with stories of how she lost her toes and it was a brave move to take on an offbeat film like this complete with unflattering fashions. Langella exuded quiet menace throughout and James Marsden did OK with a limited role that mostly involved looking a bit confused.

I’d imagine a lot of Saturday night cinema audience would have left ‘The Box’ with a ‘WTF’ attitude but I enjoyed it’s weirdness and thought provoking subject matter. It was maybe a bit long at two hours but over all it’s well worth taking delivery of ‘The Box’.

THE Tag Line : Box Tops! 78%

No.32 : The Club (1980)

The Club at the IMDb

Here’s an oldie but a goodie from 1980. I saw this a few times on late night BBC2 and it always raised a smile so let’s see if it still hits the mark or whether its ‘Goliath Awaits’ all over again.

‘The Club’ is Collingwood, an Australian Rules Football team that’s living on its former glories. In a bid to get back to the top they sign Jeff for what is seemingly a high figure of A$120,000. The rest of the team quickly take against him when he plays a stinker and soon the manager and the board are at each other’s throats.

With Jeff on the dope and giving up on football the chairman is forced out after hitting a stripper and the rest of the board scheme to get the manager out. With a fearsome new manager lined up the guys come together to try and win the championship and save the manager and the spirit of the club.

‘The Club’ started life as a stage play and that’s pretty clear when you see how many scenes simply involve the characters all talking and mostly fighting with each other. Some films like this can be a bit dull but like ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ this fair crackles along with great characters and brilliant dialogue.

The Aussie Rules sport itself isn’t explained at all and it’s not always clear who’s doing what and who’s winning. That said the game scenes are excellent and obviously filmed in front of a real 100,000+ crowd - they must have laid on free beer.

The best character for me is the scheming Jock played by Frank Wilson who’s a petty and conniving old git. He does have all the best lines however and a great scene with Jeff where after being plied with drugs fully takes in his star’s confession of incest, a gullibleness that later comes back to haunt him.

The rest of the cast are great too with perennial Aussie star Jack Thompson taking centre stage as the volatile coach who tries to hang onto the club’s traditions as the money men start to take over. I also like the slimy chairman played by Graham Kennedy who slowly loses power to the plotters on the board.

If I had a criticism I felt that Jeff’s transformation from pariah to saviour was a bit sudden but I suppose they argue that the coming together was to face a common enemy. The ending itself was a bit rushed with the players agreeing to knuckle down one minute and then playing in the championship match literally a minute later.

The film gave a great sense of the passing of the guard and the transition from aplayer who played for the jersey giving way to the ones with dollar signs in their eyes. Scenes of the club’s glory days were skilfully recreated and the action was always running at full pelt.

I’m sure ‘The Club’ will resonate soundly with anyone who’s ever sat on a committee or board and dealt with all the petty self interests that stop anything actually getting done. All in all it’s a funny, all action sports movie with great characters and a great script.

THE Tag Line : Join The Club 77%

No.4 : The Untouchables (1987)

The Untouchables at the IMDb

Loosely based on that episode of ‘The Simpsons’ where Homer becomes The Beer Baron ‘The Untouchables’ tells the tale of the battle for the streets of Chicago in the 1930’s.

It’s the era of prohibition and Robert De Niro’s Al Capone runs all the rackets with an iron baseball bat, free from prosecution given that he has all the cops on his payroll. Things start to change however when treasury agent Elliott Ness (Kevin Costner) is appointed to take on the Mob.

It starts a bit slowly for the good guys, and after a failed bust that leaves Ness looking like a total parasol he decides to rethink his strategy. He firstly recruits an old Irish beat cop in the shape of Sean Connery and then Andy Garcia straight from the Police Academy - possibly because he can do funny computer noises - it isn’t really explained. To fill out the foursome they also get an accountant who should really stop going on about the tax situation - that’ll never solve anything!

Things quickly improve with a few successful raids that soom get Al on the ropes. He fights back with a few hits of his own and soon it’s down to who can survive the overlong slo-mo shootout and indeed the court room that will win the day.

I’m not a great fan of the director Brian DePalma who, apart from the opening scene in ‘Carrie’, has done little that I’ve enjoyed - his remake of ‘Scarface’ for example is practically unwatchable. This however is his best work, no doubt due to the scriptwriting of David Mamet whose work for Definitive TV show ‘The Unit’ is exceptional.

The cast all do good work too, apart from the miscast De Niro who never convinces as the psycho kingpin of crime. Sean Connery is great as Oirish copper Malone and got an Oscar for his efforts; maybe more for time served than this alone but he is undeniably watchable. His accent deviates from ‘Danny Boy’ to ‘Rob Roy’ but what the hell, he’s good value and tough as nails.

Costner does solid work in most of the films where he isn’t directing and apart from ‘Field of Dreams’ this is his best picture too. Andy Garcia makes an early appearance and despite being somewhat underused he still shows a bit of star quality.

Overall the film is a goodies vs. baddies affair and although plainly drawn they all offer a lot by way of character and excitement. I liked the white suited hit man, Frank Nitti ,who was marvellously evil and his polar opposite in the weedy accountant who was pretty tasty with the shot gun. The rights and wrongs of prohibition are never really challenged with Ness’ straight ‘the law is the law’ arrow tested when his by the book views are stretched by the scofflaw bad guys.

The violence is brutal throughout and I liked that no one was safe from a grisly death. Of course history is played with fast and loose but if you are looking for a documentary a big Hollywood production shouldn’t really be your first port of call.

It’s not all plain sailing with a few too many arty directorial touches thrown in for no good measure and the final courtroom show down between Ness and Capone, which never happened, is a bit OTT.

Overall however you get a cracking fast paced crime movie set in the always cinematic Chicago with plenty of grisly action and a few wrong foots. The sets and the Armani costumes are great as is the score by Ennio Morricone - apart from a couple of misplaced 80's synthesisers. A Definitive hit!

The Definitive Tag Line : Fought Ness Monster! 77%