No.65 : The Village (2004)

The Village on IMDb

 Even you haven’t seen ‘The Village’ you will doubtless know the twist ending, but in case you’ve been living in a cave for the last ten years I’ll begin with *Spoilers* follow.

We open with a village community surrounding the cemetery - they are standing well back as Brendan Gleeson is weeping and cuddling a small coffin. We learn later it was his daughter and her tombstone indicates the year to be in the 1880s. Things go along OK for a while but strange behaviour is noted such as the burying of some red flowers lest their ‘forbidden colour‘ be seen. Village simpleton Adrien Brody larks about and has a fancy for the blind Bryce Dallas Howard, while young men test their bravery by standing close to the woods.

Romances also blossom with the quiet Joaquin Phoenix being pursued by Judy Greer and widowers William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver having a mild flirtation. Through all this character development we learn that the village is in a valley surrounded by woods, which are occupied by ‘those we do not speak of’. An age old truce keeps these presumed monsters out of the town, and the villagers out of the woods.

There are however signs that the truce may be ending, as small incursions into the woods see animal corpses strung up in the village and red marks on their doors. Tensions heighten until the shambling, red cloaked creatures start vacationing in the village making us all a bit scared and wondering who does their tailoring.

Things reach a head when Adrien stabs Joaquin for stealing his girl and leaves him critically injured. As he hangs on to life it’s up to his new and blind fiancé to brave the woods and hopefully secure the medicine that may save his life.

I saw this film in 2004 and remembered it as being better than this repeat viewing. I can’t remember if I was aware of the big reveal prior to seeing it originally but now watching with the full facts it seems daft and heavily signalled from the off. Sigourney’s big secret box foreshadows the drawn out reveal and the danger towards the end was totally impotent given William Hurt was showing off the suits like a Burton’s salesman.

The cast, impressive as it is, deliver pretty poor performances. Adrien Brody goes ‘full retard (thanks ‘Tropic Thunder’) and never convinces as the simple yet latently psychopathic Noah. Joaquin is flagged early as being ‘quiet’ which is a blessing to all as it limits his dialogue. He does however deliver a master class in understatement when he’s stabbed.

I’d like to have seen more of the dependable Weaver and Gleeson but instead we get loads of the earnest and portentous William Hurt.

The direction, tension building and reveals are all clumsily handled and the pacing is poor. We trudge through an hour of slow boil tension build only for it to be undone with little or no pay off.

Overall this is an OK kind of distraction but on reflection it’s really just a one trick pony, and a lame one at that.

THE Tag Line - Village People not worth a song and dance.  57%

No.64 : The Impossible (2012)

The Impossible on IMDb

If you want to see a bunch of manky people splashing about in some fetid water you could drop in at the open day at Springburn baths or, if you prefer, watch ‘The Impossible’.

The film is set around the 2004 tsunami and its aftermath. Although it claims to a true story the film uses typical Hollywood licence with the real life family of Spaniards replaced by the far more glamorous Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts.

We open as our two heroes and their three screaming kids head off to a Christmas holiday in Thailand. The foreshadowing looms large with the kids all saying they hate each other and Naomi losing a page out of her book. It doesn’t stop there and once they arrive the boy is denied a Coke and we catch a glimpse of Mum’s boob as she dons her swimsuit. Remember these points dear reader, they’ll be referenced later and we’ll all say ‘Oh that’s a bit ironic’.

The family are soon holed up in their beach resort and enjoy a carefree Christmas - but beware! those musical cues over the sea suggest a malevolent presence lurking beneath the waves. Soon the men folk are enjoying playing with their new ball in the pool and Naomi loses a page out of her book (remember that from paragraph three!). She chases it down but notes the pane of glass it’s stuck to is vibrating. The birds leave the trees and a rumble is heard. Of course it’s the tsunami - I mean that’s hardly a spoiler seeing as it’s in the trailer.

The big wave hits and the family are scattered. We initially follow Naomi who after getting bumped about a bit soon catches up with her most irritating child, Lucas. The pair trudge out of the water and after Mum’s newly exposed boob (another one!) is hastily put away, they try to find help. Selfish Lucas is taught about the need to help people and they harvest a small blond moppet with a hair fixation. The trio struggle to an overrun hospital and Naomi’s leg is looking a bit dodgy.

Focus then shifts to Ewan who has also ridden the wave to safety. He has hooked up with the other two boys; so we are all alive and all that is needed is the inevitable reunion, but wait - there’s still an hour to go! To fill the gap we need a few more setbacks so Naomi goes missing  and then the two found boys get lost too. Can the whole clan be reunited? Of course, but it may take some time…

I didn’t really fancy this film on hearing about it, thinking it’d be a TV movie of the week exploiting a natural disaster for a mawkish human interest story. In truth it was, but it was better than I’d expected. Definite heroes Ewan (The Ghost) and Naomi (The International) do well in what is clearly a bill paying exercise for them.

The plot is basic and linear with few surprises and lots of false starts. Several times we get ‘Oh no he’s just missed him’ moments as the characters’ paths almost cross without them seeing their nearest and dearest.

The highlight is definitely the special effects with the tsunami realised in cracking detail with the scale and magnitude of the disaster plain to see. The budget is wisely invested here with savings made on the script and Naomi’s make up, which sees her looking like an extra from ‘Dawn of the Dead’ towards the end.

At two hours every emotional possibility is wrung for all it’s worth, but the outcome is never in doubt. There is some jarring product placements “Zurich insurance have arranged a flight home and top class medical care”! but overall it’s enjoyable true life drama, albeit drama wrung through the Hollywood cookie cutter.

THE Tag line : Wave the Oscars good bye!  64%

No.63 : The Paperboy (2012)

The Paperboy on IMDb

Video games have rarely provided fertile ground for moviemakers but I have to say I was excited by the prospect of this 80’s classic coming to the silver screen. Alas they decided to do away with the whole notion of delivering papers and avoiding swarms of bees in favour of having a murder mystery in the 1960s.

We open with a present day Macy Gray talking to a reporter. The reporter is interested in events from 1969 which evolved around a celebrated murder case which has recently resurfaced due to a new book. After this brief preamble we are transported back in time to see events unfold with Macy’s voice occasionally appearing to explain stuff that isn’t clear from the script or direction.

Matthew McConaughey is a Miami newspaper reporter who along with his black writing parter and brother, Zac Efron, are sniffing about a murder case that sees a man on death row. The murder victim was the local racist sheriff and they wonder if the case is sound. They are soon joined by trailer trash Nicole Kidman who is convinced of the man’s innocence and who has done her own research which mainly consisted of sending him smutty letters.

The happy troupe seem to enjoy unlimited access to the murderer, who is played with twitchy mania by John Cusack. Early visits don’t go well with the two would be lovers spending their time getting off as Nicole displays her pink panties. For unclear reasons Zac falls in love with Nicole while the two reporters start to fall out.

In the sultry heat we learn that they all have secrets and agendas but soon the case begins to unravel with the flimsy new evidence springing Cusack who wastes no time in making good on his dirty talk with Nicole. With all our protagonists lacking something they want, or regretting not being careful about what they wished for, we have to see if anyone will get a happy ending.

This is a strange sort of film. It opens like it’s going to be about crusading journalism set against the racial tensions of the south, but it plays out as a bunch of big names overacting while raiding the dressing up box.

The main question is one of motivation - why is anyone doing anything that they set out to do? Redneck scumbag Cusack may be innocent, and of course the crusading journalist can’t walk away just because he jerks off a lot, but couldn’t they find a more worthwhile cause? Trashy Nicole is clearly shown to be a victim herself but her attraction to Cusack doesn’t convince. Their ‘love’ scene is as grubby as you get although it does beggar belief that a death row inmate won’t even take off his lady’s bra once he is sprung.

Zac tries hard to look lovelorn, but the clearly nuts Nicole doesn’t merit his attentions and Matthew’s character arc, that sees him go from campaigning journalist to Captain Hook in five minutes, is patently ridiculous.

The acting is uniformly awful with Macy Gray possibly the worst as the downtrodden housemaid who later recollects the tale. It is close though, with several career worst showings in place.

There are some things to like however. The sweaty and humid setting is great and although it doesn’t quite match ‘Body Heat’ you do feel like a cold shower afterwards. That may be down to some of the scenes however which see a masturbation contest, Nicole pissing on Zac after a jellyfish sting, Matthew on the bog and rough sex involving a twin tub washing machine.

For its earnest subject matter the dialogue was all over the place as were the accents. “If anyone’s gonna piss on him I will” cries Nicole as she remembers she used to get Oscar nods.

It was quite fun, but not in the way that was intended, which in many ways makes it more of a pleasure.

THE Tag Line : Fails to Deliver 62%

No.62 : The Guard (2011)

The Guard at the IMDb

This enjoyable comedy thriller opens as Brendan Gleeson’s jaded Irish police sergeant or ‘Guard’ sits in his police car. We quickly realise that he’s seen it all before when a car load of druggies crash in front of him without him raising an eyebrow. We also get a snapshot of his moral compass as he helps himself to the dead louts’ drugs before dumping the rest so that their mothers won’t learn of their criminal lifestyles.

The film proper opens with our man being called to a murder scene. He has in tow a young constable who would rival Father Dougal in the thickness stakes. The murder scene is peppered with clues such as a ‘5 1/2’ daubed on the wall, but while the protégé thinks it may be the work of a serial killer our man has it down as nothing more than a routine killing.

Despite a tip off the case goes cold until a visiting FBI operative briefs the Irish about a $500 million drug smuggling operation that is likely to land on their patch. Brendan enjoys ripping the piss from the buttoned up American but is taken seriously when he reveals that one of the FBI’s suspects was in fact his murder victim.

As you may guess the tight ass American and the maverick Irishman have to join forces to stop the bad guys and hopefully build some cultural and racial bridges.

Although this film has the set up of an ‘Odd Couple’ cop movie with a ‘fish out of water’ angle thrown in, it does a good job of subverting the genre and giving as some laughs along the way. There aren’t too many surprises but Gleeson’s character is a lot of fun, romping with hookers on his day off and inventing a clever way to turn the tables on a killer - oh the itch!

The American is played with some charm by Don Cheadle and although I didn’t quite buy into his character, he is likable enough to keep you invested. The intended friction between the two leads never really convinced and although frosty for five minutes you never felt that a team up and mutual respect were a long way off.

The threat element is delivered by a trio of drug lords who are more council estate than Columbia. They are lead by the always villainous Mark Strong who is as good a shot as he is a smuggler. They did have a couple of malevolent scenes, but were always just a foil for our two leads to mesh together.

The laughs are liberally sprinkled throughout and some of the second string characters are good value, especially the young lad who finds, and helps himself to, a cache of guns.

The character development was kept to a minimum and it was refreshing that Gleeson remained as boorish and un-PC throughout, despite  Don’s criticisms. The ending was left somewhat enigmatic but there was enough sown throughout the film to assume things will turn out OK.

I enjoyed this film, that offered nothing in the way of surprises but loads in terms of laughs and charm.

THE Tag Line : Guard your hookers and drugs!  72%

No. 61 : The American (2010)

The American at the IMDb

George Clooney stars in this decent but somewhat predictable thriller.

We open with a bearded George in a log cabin, next to a frozen lake with a beautiful lady. So far so Roger Moore James Bond. A romantic walk in the winter landscape is interrupted when they spot some footprints in the snow, and pretty soon the happy couple are taking fire from a frankly rubbish sniper. George shows he’s not to be messed with when he shoots the shooter before taking out his girlfriend with a shot to the back of the head - guess she shouldn’t have eaten the last croissant!

 After clearing out the rest of the hit squad George gets onto his handler, one of those stereotype softly spoken bad guys who operates out of a café. He tells George to head off to a remote village, but showing the kind of caution that has kept him alive George ditches the Boss issued mobile and heads off on his own.

So begins a short round of the fish out of water scenario as the gorgeous one tries to blend in using his ‘photographer’ story as flimsy cover. He’s quickly befriended by a well meaning but flawed priest who sees that George isn’t what he seems. After checking in with the Boss we learn that George is a gun smith and he’s been given a new job of preparing a custom sniper rifle for a female assassin.

All the while George is boffing a lovely prostitute who quickly falls for his silvery charms and starts to see him ‘off the clock’. As the relationship deepens the always nervous George becomes the target of some assassins, none of whom can match our hero’s guile. As the weapon nears completion George begins to plan his exit strategy.

We all know you can never walk away from the bad guy organisation but will the hooker with a heart and his gunship skills see a possible way for him to reach redemption?

I quite enjoyed this film but it’s really nothing new or inventive. Early on you get the sense that George is doomed and you just wonder how he got so old and grey in such a trigger happy organisation. His past isn’t really touched on apart from a ‘Marines’ tattoo and it seems a strange vocation to be drilling bullets for assassins given his skills set.

Part of the problem is George’s trademark look that doesn’t falter throughout the film. He’s certainly not after the ‘chameleon’ tag, with his look in this film indistinguishable to his in ‘Michael Clayton’ ‘Up in the Air’ and, if you draped an untied bow tie around his neck, all of the ‘Ocean’s’ films. It’s not necessarily a bad thing as he clearly plays to his strengths but given he lives in Italy you are left to wonder if they filmed this when a spare couple of weeks came up in his diary.

The twists were seen a mile off and when you hear that the assassin’s target is a mystery and you see George making her bullets it’s not hard to put two and two together. The film was filled out with a ropey priest with a sex scandal past - is there any other kind?! The romance also didn’t ring true at all with the hooker at first refusing to kiss, but once George gives her a good seeing to, she’s ready to run away with him five minutes later.

The locations were pretty good but somewhat restricted to a small town which again gives the air of a tight production with little scope. George is as reliable as ever and his girl friend certainly brightens up the screen. The lady assassin didn’t convince as a ruthless killer and she even looked a bit ham-fisted when she was ‘expertly’ handling her weaponry. The closing scenes play out pretty much as you’d expect and although somewhat unsatisfying there was enough to keep my interest to the end - mainly to see if I’d guessed right - I had!

Best Bit : George spends his hard earned ‘relaxing’. 68%

No.60 - Dredd (3D) (2012)

Dredd at the IMDb

The Definite Article Movie Blog gets dusted off for one last dance, to cast its gaze over ‘Dredd’. OK it doesn’t have a ‘The’ but there’s not much more definite than Dredd, and frankly unlike the great man we feel rules are there to be broken.

Most of the reviews you read of ‘Dredd’ will offer comparisons to the 1995 shambles ‘Judge Dredd’ starring Sylvester Stallone. This took a couple of core ideas from the comic hero and added some flying motorbikes, kissing and, lamentably, Rob Schneider. The new Dredd is so far removed from the first attempt that, apart from the helmet, you wouldn’t recognise it. ‘Dredd’ 2012 is a visceral, hardboiled thriller where the wise cracks are dead pan and the violence bone crunchingly realistic.
The film opens with Judge Dredd on patrol, in pursuit of some drugged up perps who are creating carnage on the roads. Any idea of comic book violence is quickly dispensed as a pedestrian and then the perps are dispatched in eye watering fashion. Make no mistake, the ‘18’ certificate is justified and the splatter is all the worse for being in eye-popping 3D.

The film proper opens as Dredd is summoned to a meeting with the Chief Judge and assigned a rookie to assess. The rookie, Anderson, has mutant psychic abilities and is viewed as a potential asset to the struggling department, but has fallen short of the Academy of Law’s pass standard. Dredd is charged with assessing the rookie’s capabilities and is immediately unimpressed with his charge’s potential. He rhymes off the problems the city faces with the depleted Judge force only capable of handling 6% of reported crimes.

Given a free hand to chose their first call Anderson picks a triple homicide at the Peach Trees Block - Huge mistake! This block is the domain of Ma-Ma, the crime boss in charge of ‘Slo-Mo’, a new drug sweeping the city that lets the user experience reality at 1% of real time. The Judges arrive to assess the crime scene but Ma-Ma is ahead of the game and with the help of a cyber-eyed hacker locks down the building and tasks her addicted inhabitants with the job of dispatching the law enforcers.
With no back up available Dredd and Anderson have to stay alive and try to knock the evil drug lord from her perch at the top of the block - 200 floors away. Can they survive the battle against the criminals and other forces sent against them? Will the rookie save the day and will Dredd’s helmet stay untouched for the duration?

As a near life long fan of 2000ad and Judge Dredd the development of this film has been high on my anticipation last for nigh on two years, and I’m amazed to say that it managed to live up to my expectations.

Firstly, Karl Urban is excellent as Dredd. His voice is pretty much how I’ve imagined Dredd to sound for 25 years and his lip curls and jaw acting are fantastic. His delivery is on the right side of caricature and although he doesn’t engage us with much empathy we’re never in doubt that he is a devoted and single minded servant of the law. His character arc isn’t great but frankly I wouldn’t want him to learn about himself in the course of the film - his resolve is unbreakable, just how it should be.

The rookie Anderson was played by Olivia Thirlby and again, she was excellent. Many fans, myself included, feel Anderson is a bit touchy feely but here her vulnerabilities added to the character and in truth it’s really her film by way of character development. Her building of confidence as the film progresses is expertly judged and believable.

Of the three main characters, the villain, Ma-Ma is the weakest. I wasn’t convinced that she had the drive or charisma to lead legions of cannon fodder gangsters and her powers were limited to looking a bit thoughtful. Given the down to earth reality of the film this wasn’t a major problem, but a memorable and frightening bad guy would have made for a better spectacle overall.

Much as been said of the contemporary look of this sci-fi thriller and it’s true that some of the vehicles look more 1990 than 2090. There is however plenty of good tech such as Dredd’s wrist com and weaponry, and the new, set against the old, does highlight the divisions in the future society.
The film runs a lean 96 minutes and although I spent too long looking for the in-jokes and references I didn’t feel it flagged at all. I did have some minor quibbles with the appearance of bent Judges which harked back to the Stallone film and undermined the Justice Department as an elite force, but these were negligible.

On balance though, the film is a triumph with amazing 3D effects and a body count to well justify the ‘18’ certificate. Not for the squeamish or art house lovers but ‘Dredd’ is pure escapist enjoyment that will see repeat viewings from me and hopefully many others.

THE Tag Line : Dreddfully Good 89%

No.59 : The Transporter (2002)

The Transporter at the IMDb

Here’s a bit of brainless pap to augment all the other brainless pap that we’ve been watching lately. Jason ‘I’m not bald’ Statham stars as Frank, the titular action hero whose efforts spawned a surprising two sequels - five if you count the ‘Crank’ franchise where he changes his name to Chav, and that’s it.

The film opens with a decent action scene as our hero plays wheel man for a hapless bunch of bank robbers. He has a nice use for a real transporter and leaves his employers somewhat happy with their escape. He refuses to drop them off however as it would violate one of his three rules - a topic he never tires of banging on about. Later, at home, he hears on the news the first time in history that a gang of criminals has been caught due to “bad driving”. Frank cares not - his strict adherence to his rules has saved his bacon once again. Remember that - might be important later.

As he relaxes at his palatial, and let’s not forget ill gotten, home Frank is visited by the local fuzz; the most laid back and non-threatening French copper this side of Clouseau. Due to poor acting we’re not too sure if he likes Frank or is totally incompetent but he’s soon on his way appeased by Jason’s charmless grin.

Soon Jason has another lucrative job - this time a package delivery. He doesn’t ask any questions but when a flat tyre causes him to open his boot he finds the package wiggling about and decides to buy it a drink. As you’d expect the package is a beautiful Chinese lady. Jason goes through with the delivery but when the baddies blow up his prized car he soon heads back to get his no claims discount reinstated.

The bad guys are involved in people smuggling and soon Jason and the Chinese lady team up for some sex and then to take down the bad guys. We move from stunt to stunt before the inevitable showdown with the sinister Oriental head honcho who happens to be the lovely’s Dad. Can Jason survive in time to make all the sequels?

Seeing as this is filed under ‘nonsense’ it’d hardly be fair to critisise it for being far fetched or ridiculous. Of course it is and that’s what keeps the pot smoking action junkies demanding more and more of this tosh. I liked it too.

The film has quite a European look and feel which is no surprise seeing as Luc Besson takes the writing credits, as they are. There is a lot of low to the ground action stuff and in your face fights and although stuff gets blown up you’ll never make the mistake of thinking you’ve wandered into some big budget Hollywood thriller. Which is a good thing.

The cast apart from Statham don’t speak English as their first language and I’m not even sure about him. The lead baddie is a terrible menace and exudes all the threat of last night’s Egg Fu Yung. The girl is a bit better but she doesn’t have the sexiness of say Michelle Yeoh and certainly doesn’t convince in the high kicking stakes.

The stunts are better with a few funny fist fights thrown in for good measure - the garage one in the oil is so homo erotic you almost expect Alan Carr to run in. There is enough going on to keep you interested although to call the plot wafer thin would be enough to give a wafer an eating disorder. Pretty much what you’d expect really.

THE Tag Line : Transporter Takes You Away from Reality 68%

No.58 : The Rock (1996)

The Rock at the IMDb

Fortunately Arts Council funding arrived just in time so that my retrospective on ‘The Rock’ could be thoroughly researched by way of a trip to Alcatraz and San Francisco. Well in truth I have just returned from such a trip and thought I’d look up this old friend to see if the added on bull shit was as generous as I’d first thought. And do you know what? We were super sized!

We open in the rain with a fully dress uniformed Ed Harris telling his wife’s tomb stone that he’s off to do something and he hopes she won’t think bad of him. It’s my guess that she won’t on account of being deid.

Meanwhile dependable but slightly unhinged FBI chemical weapons expert Stanley Goodspeed is defusing a large toxic bomb that gives us a few notes for later in the film. He may be dull but he buys $600 Beatles albums so we know he’s a bit of a loose cannon, on eBay at least.

Ed’s plan soon takes shape when he and a bunch of pissed off soldiers rob an army base of its supply of poison gas which looks a lot like Fairy Liquid in ball shape. One of his men gets eaten by the poison so we know from the off what we can expect if it all goes tits up - brave sacrifice soldier. His rabble then take over Alcatraz and demand $200 million for some dead black ops guys or they’ll gas San Francisco. From the start you wonder why the Government don’t just cough up - the Mayor in ‘Dirty Harry’ is keen to pay a ransom in 5 minutes but that was only $100k. The other concern is why they give a 40 hour deadline and why they don’t evacuate the city given the generous preparation time?

The answer is of course that this is a loud and stupid Michael Bay film and pulling plot holes is like trying to empty the Pacific with a colander . With Alcatraz now loaded with missiles and hostages it’s up to Stanley and ex-inmate Sean Connery to save the day. Sean plays an ex-SAS man who’s been banged up for 30 years and is the only man to have escaped ‘The Rock’. The incursion goes well for about two minutes when the hapless marine squad lead by Michael Biehn gets cut down leaving our two star names to save the day, as you’d expect.

What follows is a trip through the theme park version of Alcatraz where our heroes disarm the 15 missiles while dispatching the bad guys in some elaborate ways. Soon we are down to a few missiles and the bad guys are arguing over honour and stuff. Will the city be saved? Well it was there on Monday when I looked…

I like ‘The Rock’ despite its many deficiencies. Yeah it’s loud and unnecessary but it keeps up a good pace with plenty of stunts, explosions and grisly kills to keep you entertained. The prison itself looks great and you can take my word that the real thing does appear, albeit fleetingly. The tour I took did however miss out the flaming discs of death that looked liked they had been nicked from ’Galaxy Quest’ as well as the mine cars off ’Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'. The clue is in the name - the thing is a big rock so where did all these tunnels come from? And what were they mining? Shivs?

The plot is pretty thin and although they attempt to employ a blurring of the lines regarding the bad guys’ motivations it’s not convincing in the least. Speaking of unconvincing, Cage doesn’t convince as a scientist or indeed as an actor as he chooses to keep yelling to try and keep up with Sean’s effortless style and charm.

The film is well padded with well known faces with Candyman and an under used John C. McGinley popping up as well as the lovely Claire Forlani who sadly only gets one scene.

The outcome is never in any doubt and the characters are as thin as cage’s LP but if you go into this expecting some mindless fun and a fantasy version of Alcatraz you won’t be disappointed.

THE Tag Line - ‘The Rock Rocks’ 73%

No.57 : The Ghost (2010)

The Ghost at the IMDb

No spooks here; ‘The Ghost’ in question is a ghost writer hired to re-write the memoirs of a former British Prime Minister after the original scribe takes a dive off a ferry.

The story is so clearly based around a certain former PM that they could have called it ‘The Tony Blair Story’ and it wouldn’t have been any more obvious.

Anyway the writer in question is played by Ewan McGregor who starts off with an annoying accent that he wisely ditches early on. He’s hard drinking and lacking in scruples especially when $250k is dangled for the re write job. He heads off to Massachusetts to meet the former PM who is played by Pierce Brosnan in his usual dependable but predictable manner. He is married to the feisty Olivia Williams and has the slutty one off ‘Sex and the City’ as an assistant.

As Ewan and Pierce start to go over the latter’s life a story breaks of war crime charges being brought against the former James Bond by his former Foreign Secretary. Ewan has to move into Brosnan's home to get away from the protesters and is soon moving into his wife as well. Now ensconced into the dead ghost writer’s room he discovers some photos and a phone number which lead him to betray his lazy hack credentials and begin an investigation that’ll threaten his life and reveal some frankly quite dull conspiracies.

‘The Ghost’ is a decent enough thriller but the finale lets it down badly as do the revelations which are pretty low key. The mystery itself takes an age to unravel and some of the conundrums like the conflicting dates had to be slowly explained to me to reveal their minor significance.

Other well worn devices like the checking of the sat-nav and the most helpful Google searches you’ll ever see make the whole thing seem a bit pat. There is a small element of danger introduced with the familiar ‘men in black car following’ used to no real effect.

Of the cast Olivia Williams is the best as the ‘power behind the throne’ wife although her bed hopping antics didn’t really ring true. Brosnan is OK as the slightly unhinged and a bit dumb former PM and McGregor is decent in a significant role. Obviously working with director Roman Polanski is a great draw to the acting community with familiar faces all over the place which can sometimes hinder a film as the audience keep stepping out the narrative to say ‘what was he in again?’.

At over two hours the film drags on a bit and when the foreign secretary gets out the manuscript and starts reading I thought we were going to see him read every word. The direction and script were fine but for the most part the film was a bit of an anti-climax where not a lot happens. A similar but far more enjoyable film is ‘Spartan’ and if you’d two hours to kill I’d go with that.

THE Tag Line - Ghost Lacks Fright Or Bite 65%

No.56 : The Joneses (2009)

The Joneses at the IMDb

You have of course heard of the expression ‘Keeping up with the Joneses’ well now you can watch the film version. What next? ‘Pot Calling the Kettle Black : The Smackdown’?

The film’s slight premise makes it almost as disposable as the consumerism message but if you like beautiful people showing off with a hit of morality to sweeten the deal ‘The Joneses’ may just be the thing for you.

The film opens with a yuppie couple, David Duchovny and Demi Moore, arriving at their new home with their two kids. Their house is swanky and their cars are delivered on a trailer. Their house has no expense spared with every gadget and aspirational gadget you could wish for. So far so American dream, but all is not as it seems.

The family are actually a group of actors who are placed in affluent communities to show off all the gadgets and accessories that people don’t realise they actually want or really need. It starts off quite low key with a dinner party for the neighbours but pretty soon Demi is flashing the dessert packaging and David is waving his new golf clubs under his buddies’ noses.

As you would expect cracks start to show and the frankly quite communist message of ‘stuff isn’t everything’ starts to creep in. A promo for cheap booze goes wrong when a girl gets hurt drunk driving and the Jones boy gets a slap for trying to kiss his jock buddy. The slutty daughter gets undone when her romance sours and the inevitable sexual tension between the two leads boils over.

Meanwhile the neighbours are buying all the crap they can to keep up with the Joneses and soon the debts start to build. As we reach the tragic climax our materialistic heroes have to winder if love can find a way and whether they can give up that frankly very nice Audi.

‘The Joneses’ is an OK sort of film but I bet those who enjoy it most will be the same people who run out to buy the earrings that Demi flaunts. People like nice stuff and although the anti-greed message is sledge hammered home you are still left wondering where David got that nice running top.

The two leads do quite well and although there isn’t a lot of chemistry between them that’s kind of the point. That is undone somewhat in the last ten minutes when you are expected to believe that they actually are in love and giving it all up for a chance of happiness.

Of the second string I liked Bill Lumbergh as the neighbour with the demanding wife. His desperation was a good counter point to the vapid lead characters although he could do with a bit of training on how to ride that lawn mower.

The central premise of the film that corporations put families in communities to sell their products seemed a bit flawed with their reach and cost seemingly untenable. I know people will tell you that it’s a parable and a commentary on our consumer society but you think Audi would sell more cars by, well, putting them in a movie where everyone says ‘That’s a nice car’ a lot.

The message is somewhat lost amid all the product placement but overall the film is worth a look but maybe only as a late night TV fix. Don’t go buying the DVD - that’s what they want you to do!

THE Tag Line : Needs a Hard Sell 61%