No.185 : The Guvnors (2014)

The Guvnors at the IMDb

Another episode of Alan Partridge’s ‘Bad Slags’ now as we visit one of England’s finest sink estates and watch people carving each other up.

The film opens with two men confronting each other with one demanding the other shoots him. There’s the usual nonsense about street cred and respect before we dissolve to ‘1 month before’. Oh good, a non-linear narrative - this one takes about an hour to unwind so you could really just fast forward it and you wouldn’t miss much.

We meet Adam, a scarred youth of mixed race who runs the local estate. Not in a civic amenities sense, more that he’s in charge of the brawling and the drugs. Someone has blabbed to the cops so he carries out a public slashing with his soon to be signature move with a Stanley knife. He’s concerned that he isn’t getting the respect he deserves and hates hearing about ‘The Guvnors’ a group of football hooligans from 20 years ago.

Meanwhile city worker Mitch is having problems of his own. His workers are obsessed with street fight videos on Youtube and his own son is a right wee prick who bullies his classmates. It turns out that Mitch was the leader of the Guvnors but left 20 years ago when he fell in love.

Adam’s gang decide on flexing their muscles in the Guvnors’ old pub but end up getting handed their asses by retired gym owner Mickey, played by an unrecognisable David Essex. Essex enjoys a brief moment of viral video success but soon the feral youth are at his door and jumping on his head.

The police are ineffective - possibly because they have home made uniforms and possibly because they have recruited comedian Richard Blackwood for some unfathomable reason. It’s therefore up to the Guvnors to reclaim the streets and to avenge Essex. Will it all end in tears? You betcha!

This was a terrible offering but to be honest I did enjoy the ‘what cliché next’ game that the film offers throughout. I also enjoyed its aspirations, looking as it did to set what was essentially a squalid street brawl as something from a Greek Tragedy. There were efforts made with the sepia toned flashbacks being a nice touch, although ‘Wembley Stadium‘ looked like the local dog track. The eulogising of the Guvnors was a mistake as they just came across as a bunch of self satisfied thugs despite efforts to make them look like the less bad option for the estate.

The feral youth were no better. The lead villain Adam, who was played by someone out of Rizzle Kicks (apparently) was very poor. He’s slightly built and talked very slowly. I’m sure that was to give him some menace and gravitas but he just came across as a slow learner who’d won a competition to be in a film.

The big twist of a dynastic struggle was signalled from far off and the massed pitched battle finale made ‘Game of Thrones’ look like, well, Game of Thrones. The themes of trying to escape your past, destiny and fate were all touched upon, but soon set aside in favour of another whack over the head with a house brick.

I imagine the target audience for this film would lap up the sadistic violence and hooliganism but it made me just want a shower as the credits rolled. A guilty pleasure or just plain guilty of making a bunch of scumbags look like heroes? Second one.

The Tag Line : Complete With Anchorman Style Pitched Battle!  45%

No.184 : The Decline (2020)

The Decline at the IMDb

Like our previous film ‘The Objective’ this film also has a group of people who are gradually whittled down by a relentless killer, but that’s where the similarities end, as this one was quite good.

Made by Netflix, the film is French/Canadian and the version I watched had dubbing that would make a porno blush. I think you can watch it in the original French and view the subtitles if your O'level language skills are lacking, and that would present the film at its best. I watched it dubbed with sub-titles and it was strange that barely a line of dialogue matched the words spelled out below.

Anyway, we open with people looking over a dead body wrapped in a bloody sheet and we wonder how we got here - well you’ll need to wait 34 minutes before you catch up. We meet Antoine who, in Chas Tenenbaum style, rouses his family in the night and evacuates them from the city. We learn that it was just a drill and that the next time his daughter’s turtle is getting left behind. Antoine worries about social decay and feels that things will kick off soon. He preps his family by watching Youtube videos of a Ray Mears style outdoorsman who gives handy tips on preserving rice and bush craft.

Things get moving when Antoine is invited to a survival camp hosted in the wilderness, by his hero. Things start off OK, with some rabbit skinning and dish washing, but we start to wonder the agenda when the arts and crafts lesson turns to pipe bomb manufacturing and the conversation to immigrants with machetes. Clearly our man is a nutter, but before the visitors can make their excuses and leave, one of them is blown up and killed by a home made bomb.

Our previously counter culture visitors agree that they should really be calling the cops, but the survival nut host, Alain, says no and  starts to burn the body. Protests from the group see one shot in the leg and another three, flee into the woods where we know plenty of traps lie in wait. Alain teams up with return guest and fellow mentalist David, and the hunt is on.

Who will survive? Will it be family man Antoine whom we have invested in or maybe the military woman whom we know is good at wrestling moves? Surely not the shot woman tied to the table?

Despite the poor dubbing I really liked this film and it kept a heady pace throughout. It’s hard to comment on the acting, as the dubbing took so much away from the performances, but it was likeable and believable group of characters. I liked how they all started out as survivalists fearing ‘the man’ only to have to re-examine their positions once things went out of their comfort zone.

It was good that it was quickly whittled down to a two versus two scenario and there were a few surprises to keep you guessing. The deaths were all visceral with plenty of blood being splattered across the fresh snow. Of course, you will have seen a survival horror along these lines before, but there were enough fresh elements and twists here to keep me engaged.

I’m not sure why it was called ‘The Decline’ - a decline in society? Declining numbers of survivors? Probably lost in translation. At only 85 minutes this is a quick thrill and definitely one to spend some of your Nexflix time on.

THE Tag Line : Survive This!  75%

No.183 : The Objective (2008)

The Objective at the IMDb

Box office Mojo gives this film’s domestic gross as $95. Having watched it, that seems about a hundred bucks more than it’s worth.

We open with a portentous voiceover which is never a good sign. CIA Agent Keynes tells us that 3 days after 9/11 mysterious signals were detected in the Afghan desert and he’s been sent to investigate. He meets up with the usual rag tag of soldiers who accompany him on the mission.

The briefing takes all of a couple of minutes as he explains they are going to get a statement from a holy man. The mission starts off OK as they visit some locals and hand out some candy. They gain a guide in the form of Abdul and head off to the mountains, where the holy man is hanging out.

Almost immediately they are attacked in an ambush and lose a soldier. They kill a few terrorists but their bodies mysteriously disappear. The fire fight takes out their jeep and most of their water supply and things predictably go downhill from here.

Keynes stays aloof from the men and is constantly peering at his thermal image camera. They witness some strange lights and before long their numbers are whittled down as men are vaporised by an invisible enemy.

Eventually Keynes comes clean to his rapidly depleting crew - they are trying to track an ancient and terrible force that took care of some British troops in the first Afghan war and which was documented by Alexander the Great. Unfortunately for us it’s not exciting aliens or monsters but some lights that form a triangle - excitement she wrote!

With further loses to dehydration and desertion, Keynes is on his own but he finds an oasis in the desert. Just as he has hope of recovery, his camera picks up a new image - will this be death or salvation?

I didn’t enjoy much about this film apart from the great Moroccan locations that doubled for the slightly more hostile Afghanistan. The acting was uniformly terrible with the lead being the most wooden turn since Pinocchio. The voice over was pretentious with philosophical gubbins being trotted out at every turn. The usual men on a mission clichés were all present and correct as was the standard ‘unit depleting one at a time‘ narrative.

The end, and indeed the whole film, didn’t make a lick of sense and I was really none the wiser about what was going on as the credits rolled. It could have been interesting given the location and overarching ideas in play, but the execution was awful and compounded by a terrible script and lamentable acting.

The Tag Line : Your Objective : Give this a miss! 23%

No.182 : The Duellists (1977)

The Duellists at the IMDb

Off to the early 19th centaury now, in this historical romp which was director Ridley Scott’s first feature.

We open is Strasbourg with hot headed Harvey Keitel’s cavalry officer winning a duel by running his sabre through an unfortunate rival. The bosses aren’t too impressed and as Twitter is still 200 years away they send Keith Carradine over to tell him off. Unfortunately for Carradine, Keitel is duel mad and immediately challenges him to a showdown. Honour dictates that the challenge must be accepted, but being an able soldier Carradine manages to win the day. So that’s that then.

Of course not, as he survived Keitel can challenge again and again and again. The battles continue through the years with the backdrop of the Napoleonic wars raging as they look to sort out their personal beef. Frankly it’s no surprise that Napoleon lost, given his officers were so distracted with their own set-tos.

Both men enjoy varying military careers with Carradine doing better because he can follow orders and stuff. Keitel on the other hand becomes more bitter and when Napoleon is unseated is only saved from being executed by Carradine’s secret intervention.

With the war over and Carradine retired and married, albeit with a limp, a final challenge is received - who will survive this final battle?

This was an excellent film that ready bounded along. The central premise seems a bit daft but it was based on a true story of two Frenchmen who had more than 30 duels between them. The whole thing was bound upon honour with turning the other cheek meaning shame for you and your regiment. Keitel is great as the mental Feraud, complete with his nice ponytails. It’s not clear why he zeros in on Carradine, who is nothing but nice, but that’s the obsession in our Harvey.

The narrative device was good in allowing us to see the many theatres of the Napoleonic wars, with the two bumping into each other all over the place, even in Russia. Well it looked more like Scotland, but you get the idea.

The costumes were the standout with the Hussars uniforms a thing of beauty - Adam Ant clearly took notice. The limited budget was on show however, with the invasion of Russia involving about 30 guys. That’s not to say the film looked cheap, often it was sumptuous, but clearly there were limits in their ability to recreate a Pan-European conflict.

You are meant to favour the skilled but slightly dull Carradine over the hot headed Harvey, but I did like Keitel’s mania and devotion  to his flawed cause. The cast in general was excellent with some familiar faces getting a run out such as Alun Armstrong and Pete Postlethwaite as well as Tom Conti, pre-Rumikub commercials.

Overall this was an excellent and engaging offering which is well worth a look on Amazon Prime - for a short time only!

THE Tag Line :  Get it Up Ye!  80%

No.181 : The Alibi (2006)

The Alibi at the IMDb

As a fan of most things Coogan, I was hoping that I’d unearthed a hidden gem here from 2006. Alas it’s a dud and rightly forgotten.

Steve plays Ray Elliott a slick businessman who operates a high end organisation that supplies alibis to cheating spouses. We open with him meeting with regular client James Brolin who is a happy customer, so much so that he recommends the outfit to his son, Cyclops off ‘X-Men’.

The set up seems unnecessarily complex with operators intercepting calls and operatives checking into hotels in the client’s names with identities switched. Of course the elaborate scheme immediately comes undone, with Cyclops’s girlfriend dying during some kinky sex. There’s no suggestion of murder so I don’t know why they can’t just say it was an accident, which it was. That’s not a plot however, so what follows is a lot of convoluted encounters that makes the whole mess more complicated than Mensa running an episode of ‘3-2-1’.

Near the start of the film we see Steve employ Rebecca Romijn and he explains the operation to her as well as to us, the unconvinced viewers. It seems however that Rebecca may have her own agenda. Meanwhile, Brolin hires Sam Elliott to whack Steve to protect Cyclops, whilst Sam’s daughter Selma Blair fancies Steve and plans an assignation with him. We also get John Leguizamo, in some ill advised corn rows, as the real boyfriend of Cyclops’ date and some side plot about Coogan’s unseen partner ‘Jack’ who may or may not exist.

The various players meander their way towards a big showdown at a hotel which is maybe played for laughs, but I wasn’t sure. They did go for farce and to be fair it couldn’t have been more farcical if Ronnie Corbett had shown up with his trousers at his ankles.

There were a few signs early on that this was a troubled production. Two directors isn’t a good start nor is narration to tell you what’s going on - show, don’t say! There was also a lot of fast edits and call backs, and the whole enterprise was just plain confusing.

I get that they were trying to make some sort of commentary on social mores but it just came across as a lot of random stuff loosely patched together into an incoherent narrative.

Coogan tries hard but he seemed out of his depth in the leading man role, and it was a mistake to have Romijn as his love interest as she towered above him. Usually reliable heavy weights like Brolin, Elliott and Lezguizamo were given precious little to do, and what they got was a poor use of their talents.

You didn’t care for Ray and his sleazy business and at the end the big reveal was met by me with a resounding ‘so what’? It was also a bit tame also for a film about adultery, with everyone keeping their underwear on and swearing kept to a minimum. These seemed strange choices, and you have to wonder what audience they were actually aiming for?

My guess is that the end product was the result of massive cuts and reediting that led to the voice over and short 86 minute run time. There may have been a decent film here at one point, but it certainly wasn’t the one that oozed shamefully onto my DVD player.

The Tag Line : Make an excuse not to watch -  45%

No.180 : The Mack (1973)

The Mack at the IMDb

The Urban Dictionary describes a ‘Mack’ as a ladies’ man or a pimp. In this film it’s definitely the latter with Goldie being our main man. The film opens with Goldie getting arrested after a botched robbery he attempts with Richard Pryor, and getting five years in the joint.

Time flies and soon he’s back on the streets with ambitions to takes back what’s his, as well as lots of other stuff that isn’t his. The film is decidedly un PC with every character a racist bigot and that’s just the decent ones. Goldie’s plan is to get some broads or ‘bitches’ as he puts it, and to put them to work on the streets. Rather than feel exploited the women flock to have Goldie as their man.

He soon has a harem of ten ladies of the night on his payroll, with each earning him $100 a night (in 1973 money!). This allows him to indulge in a funny montage where he gets the best pimp gear and a fly Cadillac.

Not all is good however, with the two cops who arrested Goldie at the start trying to muscle in on his action and ‘The Fat Man’, the local Mr Big, also trying to get him in line.

We see some halcyon days with a pimp’s baseball match and barbecue (really!) as well as the ‘Playa of the Year’ awards where Goldie comes out on top. Goldie is also able to get his Mom out of the ghetto and into a harbour side apartment, whilst also having a hot white girlfriend. Can he hold it all together or will the lifestyle choices he has made come back to haunt him?

This was an outrageously un PC film by today’s standards with being caught with a copy of the script no doubt being a hate crime. It was almost exactly like ‘I’m Gonna Git Ya Sucker’ but funnier despite that one being a spoof. The clothes were amazing with Goldie’s gold bowler hat and cape combo a thing of beauty.

Goldie was a terrible person, with his exploitation of women and murders only slightly worse than his dress sense. At times he was painted in almost Robin Hood terms, but when he’s running classes in robbery and brainwashing women in a Planetarium it’s hard to cheer him on. There is some payback and reflection when various members of his posse and family get hit, but it’s played in such a cartoon fashion that it’s hard to really care.

I did like all the white villains such as the cops who, although corrupt, were also seen in a bad light for arresting Goldie for the big shoot out at the start. He was no angel and five years seemed a bit light. The Fat Man was a terrible overlord and it was no surprise that he fell for the old blind accordion player trick.

Max Julien in the lead was cool, but I wasn’t convinced by his powers of threat or menace. He looked like a nice man stuck in a funny hat and given reams of terrible dialogue to read out.

The film is a good laugh and a historical oddity. It does nothing for race relations with the African American community portrayed as mostly savage and backstabbing. All the whites were horrible too, so at least there was balance. Overall, one to watch and enjoy but also to burn if you get a knock on the door from some woke activists.

THE Tag Line : I Wanna See Assholes & Elbows! 60%

No.179 : The Birds (1963)

The Birds at the IMDb

I had previously watched ‘The Birds’ as part of my quest to see every film in the IMDb top 250 and, on first viewing, granted it an impressive 8/10. Due to a change in the ranking criteria I have now only seen 227 of  the top 250 and ‘The Birds’ no longer gets a mention; so was my rating fair? To be honest it was a while ago so a re-watch was needed. I still enjoyed the film but probably less so than an 8/10 rating suggests, but let’s have a look.

We follow the fortunes of Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren), a rich socialite with a penchant of seemingly weak practical jokes. We meet her in a pet shop where she is awaiting the delivery on a myna bird which she hopes can speak and upset her auntie. She is mistaken for an assistant by lawyer Rod Taylor who is after a pair of lovebirds. After some awkward flirting he reveals that he knows Melanie isn’t an assistant and just wanted to show her what being at the wrong end of a practical joke felt like. What a dick.

Not to be outdone, Melanie learns of Rod’s identity from her newspaper editor father and resolves to prank him by delivering the two lovebirds to his Bodaga Bay house for his sister’s birthday - that’ll show him. After a long bit of exposition in which Melanie meets local teacher Suzanne Pleshette and buys a nightgown, she delivers the birds, only to be spotted by the ever alert Taylor. Taylor was 33 at the time of filming, the same as Hedren, but he looks about 50.

Anyway, he spots her bird delivery and intercepts her at the harbour only to witness her being pecked by a seagull. This causes mild unrest but she agrees to return to have dinner with Taylor and his mother Jessica Tandy, and presumably her copper kettle. She also takes a room at Suzanne’s guest house despite not having a change of pants.

Through the night a seagull attacks their door and things quickly escalate as the birds start a full on pecking offensive which results in a gas station exploding and Melanie getting a lot of kisses from Rod.

Who will survive the onslaught of The Birds?, why are they attacking? and can a peck really be that sore?

I enjoyed this film less than I’d remembered it and it seemed a bit drawn out and silly on a second viewing. You can’t really feel the pervading sense of menace that was intended by director Hitchcock, who can be seen with his dogs in the opening scene, due to some ropey effects and some poor bird motivation. I felt that the birds lacked a bit of menace and despite the first victim appearing with his eyes pecked out, you have to wonder why he didn’t just hide under the duvet.

The build up is slow, with things layered and gradually escalating, such as the hens not eating their feed. There wasn’t however any attempt at explaining why the birds went mental and something like a mad scientist or environmental concerns may have made the whole thing a bit more engaging.

I did like the shot of the birds hovering over the gas station explosion which had an eerie ‘We did that' feel. The effects were however somewhat limited with the sparrow invasion down the chimney looking fake as did the attack on the children fleeing the church - some of those stuffed birds were held on for grim death!

The film does look dated with it’s rear projection driving and boating scenes but that’s fair enough given its 1963 origins. Tippi does well in the lead, although I bet that green twin set must have reeked by the end. Rod was less good as the square jawed hero with no answers, but I liked Pleshette and Tandy as the sultry school teacher and bitchy mother respectively.

I didn’t feel that the birds were much of a threat and the lack of motivation for them left me somewhat unengaged. It was however a decent thriller. and although a big net would have saved the day, there was enough to keep me watching for the full two hours.

THE Tag Line : Where’s the burds? Arrgghhh!  70%

No.178 : The Wackness (2008)

The Wackness at the IMDb

Although made in 2008 this film looks to capture those crazy days of 1994 when pagers and mix tapes were all the rage.

We follow our hero Luke through a hot New York summer as he deals with issues and has a romance with Judge Anderson, no less. The film has chapter cards showing each month in a graffiti tag style which was also used to vandalise the ‘Sony Picture Classics’ logo at the beginning, in what was a fun touch.

Luke kills the time before he heads for college by pedalling dope from an ice cream cart whilst staying out of the way of his parents who are constantly fighting and about to lose their fancy mid town apartment. Luke also engages in therapy with his slightly offbeat shrink played by an excellent Ben Kingsley. He is a bit off the wall but offers solid advice in exchange for packages of pot.

Luke is still a virgin - must be the only drug dealer who is! - and has no friends. He doesn’t always charge for his drugs but is still left out of the party invites and of the trips abroad. Things look up however when he meet’s Ben’s stepdaughter, the lovely Olivia Thirlby. She is a free spirit and agrees to start seeing Luke, an event that leads the pavement to light up Billie Jean style as he walks home.

The two enjoy an idyllic beach house weekend and despite Luke’s hair trigger the two get it on before Luke spoils it all by saying something stupid like ‘I love you’. Olivia has a different agenda and cuts him off. Meanwhile Ben and his wife Famke Janssen are splitting up and as a result he's taking up hard drugs and suicide attempts.

With all this disfunctionality on show, who will survive the summer and what will the fallout be? Can Luke embrace the dopeness (good) and forget about the wackness (bad)?

I really liked this film despite not being a fan of the drugs culture or of the hip-hop music that permeates throughout. The two leads are great and their long chats are good fun as are their experiments in bad behaviour.

The whole melancholy mood is well realised and I got the vibe of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums' of lives being on hold waiting for something to happen. New York looked great with the hot, claustrophobic elements of the city brought to the fore.

The ending was satisfying - hopeful but not Hollywood. Overall this was an enjoyable outing to a more innocent time when drug busts, mobile phones and Covid-19 were all the things of a madman’s dreams.

THE Tagline : Dopeness Achieved - 75%

No.177 : The Goods (2009)

The Goods at the IMDb

Given the stellar cast on show I was surprised that this film passed me by on its original release. As it neared it’s end it dawned on me that I had seen it before but had largely forgotten it. Either that or I have suddenly become great at guessing major plot twists!

The cast is excellent with at least a dozen of recognisable faces on show. It could be a case of less is more however as lots of them get very little to do.

Anyway, we follow the fortunes of Don ‘The Goods’ Ready (Jeremy Piven, unshaven) who, along with his crack team, shakes up used car lots and sells the stock. In this case it’s James Brolin’s ‘Sellick Cars’ that are getting the treatment. The sales force, who include Ken Jeong, Buster Bluth and Charles Napier, haven’t sold a car in weeks and James is close to selling the business to his idiotic son in law, Ed Helms. Helms is engaged to James' daughter and runs a rival lot which he advertises with his boy, sorry, man band.

Don takes the call and, after a party flight in which he convinces the stewardess of his patriotic right to smoke they arrive at the lot. Their shock and awe tactics work too well when another patriotic speech sees the sales force attack Ken Jeong over Pearl Harbour despite him being Korean. “We participated in a hate crime”.

The plan includes hiring strippers and Craig Robinson’s ‘DJ Request’ who refuses to play anything that is asked for. Day one goes well with 70 of cars sold from the lot of 214. Obviously things need mixed up so Don takes a mad bet from Helms that he can sell every car, failing which Helms takes the lot. There is also a go nowhere subplot of a possible offspring for Don and a couple of romantic turns for the rest of the crew, including a stripper for Ving Rhames (Fresh from ‘The Tournament‘!) and a suspect youthful pursuit for Kathryn Hahn “The rug matches the drapes”.

Will the cars be sold? What happened in ‘Querque and will the insufferable Helms get the lot and the girl?

I enjoyed this film despite it lacking much in the way of substance. The first half hour is best when they set the scene and there are a couple of cracking un-PC moments that I doubt they’d event attempt these days.

It slowed down once the previous gung-ho Don started to reevaluate his life, but it was a funny touch that resolved the parenthood of his ‘son’. His romance seemed a bit unlikely with the lovely Jordana Spiro (The woman with the bar on ‘Ozark’) falling for his charms with rather undue haste.

Kathryn Hahn’s character had a lot of the funniest lines “They made me breastfeed an old man”! but her attraction to the ten year old boy with the hormone issues was a bit creepy - make it a ten year old girl and there’d rightly be outrage.

There were a lot of funny scenes, and I liked Will Ferrell’s skydiver being plagued by dildos, but at times it looked like a long ‘Funny or Die’ sketch with things happening for no other reason than to be funny or outrageous.

The ending was signalled from a long way off but it was good fun and although we didn’t grow or learn anything a few laughs were had.

THE Tag Line : The Goods Deliver 71%

No.176 : The Tournament (2009)

The Tournament at the IMDb

30 of the world’s best assassins converge every 7 years (despite it saying ten on that poster) and have a last man standing free for all with the winner getting $10 million. We witness the end of the previous event and now the Tournament is happening again - and this time it’s in, er, Middlesbrough. God knows why - maybe a council grant or something?

Ving Rhames is defending champion - he’s not back because he’s pissed the prize money away - he’s back for revenge as one of the participants killed his wife. He must have had a late flight however as he doesn’t show up until we are about halfway through.

We follow the fortunes of Kelly Hu who is sexy and deadly. Not much personality, but you can’t have everything. She hooks up with innocent (!) priest Robert Carlyle who is having a crisis of faith and is also a target after another competitor fed him his tracking chip, meaning the pissed up priest is fair game.

Meanwhile the action is being monitored by a room of clichés; rich gamblers like the loud Texan and sinister Orientals who have bets on the outcome. Middlesbrough has loads of CCTV that the baddies can hack into, so our gamblers can get their thrills. It also seems to have no police or many civilians at all.

We get various face offs between contestants including that French bloke who does parkour and a nutty American who we don’t like as he kills a dog. Soon the numbers are whittled down, especially after a bloody encounter in a strip joint.

As you would expect it’s comes down to our three principals - who will win…The Tournament?! Not the audience, that’s for sure!

This was actually a decent offering if you have parked your brain and are just seeking shoot ‘em up thrills. It was a mistake to make Carlyle’s priest so prominent as his crisis of faith was just dull and it beggared belief that a top assassin would take him under her wing.

The action sequences were decent with the big motorway finale well choreographed. They do seem to have a lot of crappy old cars in Middlesbrough though - just as well as they all get blown up.

There was little in the way of characterisation with Rhames especially phoning it in. Hu was lovely but her dialogue was a bit stilted and I wasn’t buying her hard ass rep. Of the under card you get your usual cavalcade of psychos and exotics with snipers, grenade chuckers and one chap with a rocket launcher all adding a bit of colour - mostly red.

The film does lose momentum in the last third with the showdown and ending all being somewhat predictable. It was decent enough but you can see why there wasn’t enough to kick-start a franchise here.

THE Tag Line - Everyone is a loser in the Tournament 58%