No.59 : The Transporter (2002)

The Transporter at the IMDb

Here’s a bit of brainless pap to augment all the other brainless pap that we’ve been watching lately. Jason ‘I’m not bald’ Statham stars as Frank, the titular action hero whose efforts spawned a surprising two sequels - five if you count the ‘Crank’ franchise where he changes his name to Chav, and that’s it.

The film opens with a decent action scene as our hero plays wheel man for a hapless bunch of bank robbers. He has a nice use for a real transporter and leaves his employers somewhat happy with their escape. He refuses to drop them off however as it would violate one of his three rules - a topic he never tires of banging on about. Later, at home, he hears on the news the first time in history that a gang of criminals has been caught due to “bad driving”. Frank cares not - his strict adherence to his rules has saved his bacon once again. Remember that - might be important later.

As he relaxes at his palatial, and let’s not forget ill gotten, home Frank is visited by the local fuzz; the most laid back and non-threatening French copper this side of Clouseau. Due to poor acting we’re not too sure if he likes Frank or is totally incompetent but he’s soon on his way appeased by Jason’s charmless grin.

Soon Jason has another lucrative job - this time a package delivery. He doesn’t ask any questions but when a flat tyre causes him to open his boot he finds the package wiggling about and decides to buy it a drink. As you’d expect the package is a beautiful Chinese lady. Jason goes through with the delivery but when the baddies blow up his prized car he soon heads back to get his no claims discount reinstated.

The bad guys are involved in people smuggling and soon Jason and the Chinese lady team up for some sex and then to take down the bad guys. We move from stunt to stunt before the inevitable showdown with the sinister Oriental head honcho who happens to be the lovely’s Dad. Can Jason survive in time to make all the sequels?

Seeing as this is filed under ‘nonsense’ it’d hardly be fair to critisise it for being far fetched or ridiculous. Of course it is and that’s what keeps the pot smoking action junkies demanding more and more of this tosh. I liked it too.

The film has quite a European look and feel which is no surprise seeing as Luc Besson takes the writing credits, as they are. There is a lot of low to the ground action stuff and in your face fights and although stuff gets blown up you’ll never make the mistake of thinking you’ve wandered into some big budget Hollywood thriller. Which is a good thing.

The cast apart from Statham don’t speak English as their first language and I’m not even sure about him. The lead baddie is a terrible menace and exudes all the threat of last night’s Egg Fu Yung. The girl is a bit better but she doesn’t have the sexiness of say Michelle Yeoh and certainly doesn’t convince in the high kicking stakes.

The stunts are better with a few funny fist fights thrown in for good measure - the garage one in the oil is so homo erotic you almost expect Alan Carr to run in. There is enough going on to keep you interested although to call the plot wafer thin would be enough to give a wafer an eating disorder. Pretty much what you’d expect really.

THE Tag Line : Transporter Takes You Away from Reality 68%

No.58 : The Rock (1996)

The Rock at the IMDb

Fortunately Arts Council funding arrived just in time so that my retrospective on ‘The Rock’ could be thoroughly researched by way of a trip to Alcatraz and San Francisco. Well in truth I have just returned from such a trip and thought I’d look up this old friend to see if the added on bull shit was as generous as I’d first thought. And do you know what? We were super sized!

We open in the rain with a fully dress uniformed Ed Harris telling his wife’s tomb stone that he’s off to do something and he hopes she won’t think bad of him. It’s my guess that she won’t on account of being deid.

Meanwhile dependable but slightly unhinged FBI chemical weapons expert Stanley Goodspeed is defusing a large toxic bomb that gives us a few notes for later in the film. He may be dull but he buys $600 Beatles albums so we know he’s a bit of a loose cannon, on eBay at least.

Ed’s plan soon takes shape when he and a bunch of pissed off soldiers rob an army base of its supply of poison gas which looks a lot like Fairy Liquid in ball shape. One of his men gets eaten by the poison so we know from the off what we can expect if it all goes tits up - brave sacrifice soldier. His rabble then take over Alcatraz and demand $200 million for some dead black ops guys or they’ll gas San Francisco. From the start you wonder why the Government don’t just cough up - the Mayor in ‘Dirty Harry’ is keen to pay a ransom in 5 minutes but that was only $100k. The other concern is why they give a 40 hour deadline and why they don’t evacuate the city given the generous preparation time?

The answer is of course that this is a loud and stupid Michael Bay film and pulling plot holes is like trying to empty the Pacific with a colander . With Alcatraz now loaded with missiles and hostages it’s up to Stanley and ex-inmate Sean Connery to save the day. Sean plays an ex-SAS man who’s been banged up for 30 years and is the only man to have escaped ‘The Rock’. The incursion goes well for about two minutes when the hapless marine squad lead by Michael Biehn gets cut down leaving our two star names to save the day, as you’d expect.

What follows is a trip through the theme park version of Alcatraz where our heroes disarm the 15 missiles while dispatching the bad guys in some elaborate ways. Soon we are down to a few missiles and the bad guys are arguing over honour and stuff. Will the city be saved? Well it was there on Monday when I looked…

I like ‘The Rock’ despite its many deficiencies. Yeah it’s loud and unnecessary but it keeps up a good pace with plenty of stunts, explosions and grisly kills to keep you entertained. The prison itself looks great and you can take my word that the real thing does appear, albeit fleetingly. The tour I took did however miss out the flaming discs of death that looked liked they had been nicked from ’Galaxy Quest’ as well as the mine cars off ’Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'. The clue is in the name - the thing is a big rock so where did all these tunnels come from? And what were they mining? Shivs?

The plot is pretty thin and although they attempt to employ a blurring of the lines regarding the bad guys’ motivations it’s not convincing in the least. Speaking of unconvincing, Cage doesn’t convince as a scientist or indeed as an actor as he chooses to keep yelling to try and keep up with Sean’s effortless style and charm.

The film is well padded with well known faces with Candyman and an under used John C. McGinley popping up as well as the lovely Claire Forlani who sadly only gets one scene.

The outcome is never in any doubt and the characters are as thin as cage’s LP but if you go into this expecting some mindless fun and a fantasy version of Alcatraz you won’t be disappointed.

THE Tag Line - ‘The Rock Rocks’ 73%

No.57 : The Ghost (2010)

The Ghost at the IMDb

No spooks here; ‘The Ghost’ in question is a ghost writer hired to re-write the memoirs of a former British Prime Minister after the original scribe takes a dive off a ferry.

The story is so clearly based around a certain former PM that they could have called it ‘The Tony Blair Story’ and it wouldn’t have been any more obvious.

Anyway the writer in question is played by Ewan McGregor who starts off with an annoying accent that he wisely ditches early on. He’s hard drinking and lacking in scruples especially when $250k is dangled for the re write job. He heads off to Massachusetts to meet the former PM who is played by Pierce Brosnan in his usual dependable but predictable manner. He is married to the feisty Olivia Williams and has the slutty one off ‘Sex and the City’ as an assistant.

As Ewan and Pierce start to go over the latter’s life a story breaks of war crime charges being brought against the former James Bond by his former Foreign Secretary. Ewan has to move into Brosnan's home to get away from the protesters and is soon moving into his wife as well. Now ensconced into the dead ghost writer’s room he discovers some photos and a phone number which lead him to betray his lazy hack credentials and begin an investigation that’ll threaten his life and reveal some frankly quite dull conspiracies.

‘The Ghost’ is a decent enough thriller but the finale lets it down badly as do the revelations which are pretty low key. The mystery itself takes an age to unravel and some of the conundrums like the conflicting dates had to be slowly explained to me to reveal their minor significance.

Other well worn devices like the checking of the sat-nav and the most helpful Google searches you’ll ever see make the whole thing seem a bit pat. There is a small element of danger introduced with the familiar ‘men in black car following’ used to no real effect.

Of the cast Olivia Williams is the best as the ‘power behind the throne’ wife although her bed hopping antics didn’t really ring true. Brosnan is OK as the slightly unhinged and a bit dumb former PM and McGregor is decent in a significant role. Obviously working with director Roman Polanski is a great draw to the acting community with familiar faces all over the place which can sometimes hinder a film as the audience keep stepping out the narrative to say ‘what was he in again?’.

At over two hours the film drags on a bit and when the foreign secretary gets out the manuscript and starts reading I thought we were going to see him read every word. The direction and script were fine but for the most part the film was a bit of an anti-climax where not a lot happens. A similar but far more enjoyable film is ‘Spartan’ and if you’d two hours to kill I’d go with that.

THE Tag Line - Ghost Lacks Fright Or Bite 65%

No.56 : The Joneses (2009)

The Joneses at the IMDb

You have of course heard of the expression ‘Keeping up with the Joneses’ well now you can watch the film version. What next? ‘Pot Calling the Kettle Black : The Smackdown’?

The film’s slight premise makes it almost as disposable as the consumerism message but if you like beautiful people showing off with a hit of morality to sweeten the deal ‘The Joneses’ may just be the thing for you.

The film opens with a yuppie couple, David Duchovny and Demi Moore, arriving at their new home with their two kids. Their house is swanky and their cars are delivered on a trailer. Their house has no expense spared with every gadget and aspirational gadget you could wish for. So far so American dream, but all is not as it seems.

The family are actually a group of actors who are placed in affluent communities to show off all the gadgets and accessories that people don’t realise they actually want or really need. It starts off quite low key with a dinner party for the neighbours but pretty soon Demi is flashing the dessert packaging and David is waving his new golf clubs under his buddies’ noses.

As you would expect cracks start to show and the frankly quite communist message of ‘stuff isn’t everything’ starts to creep in. A promo for cheap booze goes wrong when a girl gets hurt drunk driving and the Jones boy gets a slap for trying to kiss his jock buddy. The slutty daughter gets undone when her romance sours and the inevitable sexual tension between the two leads boils over.

Meanwhile the neighbours are buying all the crap they can to keep up with the Joneses and soon the debts start to build. As we reach the tragic climax our materialistic heroes have to winder if love can find a way and whether they can give up that frankly very nice Audi.

‘The Joneses’ is an OK sort of film but I bet those who enjoy it most will be the same people who run out to buy the earrings that Demi flaunts. People like nice stuff and although the anti-greed message is sledge hammered home you are still left wondering where David got that nice running top.

The two leads do quite well and although there isn’t a lot of chemistry between them that’s kind of the point. That is undone somewhat in the last ten minutes when you are expected to believe that they actually are in love and giving it all up for a chance of happiness.

Of the second string I liked Bill Lumbergh as the neighbour with the demanding wife. His desperation was a good counter point to the vapid lead characters although he could do with a bit of training on how to ride that lawn mower.

The central premise of the film that corporations put families in communities to sell their products seemed a bit flawed with their reach and cost seemingly untenable. I know people will tell you that it’s a parable and a commentary on our consumer society but you think Audi would sell more cars by, well, putting them in a movie where everyone says ‘That’s a nice car’ a lot.

The message is somewhat lost amid all the product placement but overall the film is worth a look but maybe only as a late night TV fix. Don’t go buying the DVD - that’s what they want you to do!

THE Tag Line : Needs a Hard Sell 61%

No.55 : The Job (2009)

The Job at the IMDb

The economic downturn is the backdrop to this decent but ultimately unsatisfying parable about greed and what desperate people will do in desperate circumstances.

We open with our hero Bubba checking the want ads. He’s had three jobs in a month and can’t even afford the special at the diner where his potential girlfriend works. His job search is interrupted when the fast talking Ron ‘Hellboy’ Perlman shows up and gives him his leftovers. We soon learn that our man is a decent, if somewhat naïve, man who offers the stranger a bed for the night.

Ron is an enigmatic character who sets his watch for 72 hours whenever he blows into town as 3 days is as much as he can take of any one place. As a thank you Ron gives our man a job lead that he himself was given and so he sets off in his good suit.

The job interview is a strange to say the least with Joe Pantoliano, who looks like Rob Newman doing ‘History Today’, offering a lucrative contract to strangle a man. The strange thing is the man to be strangled and his wife are sitting in on the chat and quite happy to go over the details. It seems the victim has crossed his wife’s father and has accepted his fate.

Bubba is shocked at first but the prospect of $200k is tempting. He confides in Ron who on seeing his predicament offers to do the job for him for half the money. This seems like a good deal but in this work nothing is what it seems and the offer of easy money always comes with strings attached , especially in mortality tales like this one.

This film started out well and I liked its other worldly feel where everything was a little off kilter and not what it seemed. It did however lack a full 90 minutes worth of plot and I found myself nodding off before the big reveal as to who was the really bad guy and who were just the pawns.

Patrick Flueger did well with the lead role of Bubba, an everyman loser with not a lot going his way. He fancies the waitress but can’t make a move as he’s got no money. His morality shift was a bit sudden and given the waitress was a bit plain I wasn’t too convinced. Ron Perlman, whom I’ve got a lot of time for, was a bit over the top and although he was playing a huckster type it just came across as frantic over acting.

The general mood of the film was depressing and although there were a couple of smiles it was a generally downward spiral from the off. The sombre mood, muted palette and downbeat score mean that it is a hard film to enjoy and the meandering and unsubstantial pay off will make you wonder why you bothered staying the course.

THE Tag Line : Retire ‘The Job’ Early 54%

No.54 : The Score (2001)

The Score at the IMDb

Three acting giants get together for this somewhat routine heist movie. When you have Marlon Brando. Robert De Niro and Edward Norton on the cast list you’d expect something a bit more substantial but I imagine that after all the salaries were paid there was precious little left for the script. The film does have its charms but for the most part that lasting impression is of one ‘is that it?’

De Niro plays an aging safecracker who comes close to being undone in a pretty tense opening sequence. His near miss gives him pause for thought and he’s keen to retire and settle down with sexy air hostess Angela Bassett and manage his swanky jazz club.

His plans are put on the back burner however when his massive and mumbling fence, Marlon Brando, advises that the buyer for his last score has snuffed it and asks that he takes on one last job to put them all on easy Street. De Niro is reluctant at first but is soon talked around and is seduced by the challenge of the job.

The Score is in De Niro’s home town of Montreal and taking it on breaks one of the many rules that he observes and have kept him safe for his whole career. The heist involves the stealing of a $30 million sceptre from the customs house and requires the assistance of an inside man in the shape of Edward Norton. Ed has got a job in the customs house by developing an act of being a bit retarded and has gained access to all of the secure rooms and systems.

There are a few bumps in the planning, such as obtaining computer codes from a corrupt programmer, but essentially the film is a build up to the elaborate robbery and the fall out afterwards. Will the old thief get away clean or will the obvious twist and even more obvious double twist come about?

I always enjoy a good robbery flick and ‘The Score’ doesn’t disappoint. It’s no classic like the nerve jangling ‘Rififi’, but the pace and the planning are well handled making the whole scheme believable. For the most part it’s a two man show between De Niro, the wily old thief, and Norton the young super confident upstart. Brando gets high billing but he only gets a couple of scenes and frankly his part could have been jettisoned with no loss to the film’s narrative or quality. De Niro’s motivations towards him are poorly defined and why he doesn’t tell him to bugger off when he realises he’s getting 20% of the take for doing all the work is inconsistent with the character development that far.

De Niro is great as always and Norton impresses with a double role as the cocky bigmouth and his alter ego spanner character Brian. Angela Bassett could’ve been given more to do but did impress in her limited exposure.

The heist itself is done well with each of the two main characters encountering different impediments to the scheme . In truth the heist itself is secondary to our concerns for the elderly janitor who has befriended ‘Brian’. The scheme itself was ingenious and what seemed impossible was slowly dismantled into a plausible robbery. The fall out however was a bit of a letdown with two consecutive twists signalled from a long way off.

The film is an enjoyable one but given the cast list it’s probably a bit less than you’d be entitled to expect.

THE Tag Line : The Score? 7/10 70%

No.53 : The Ex (2006)

The Ex at the IMDb

Our shortest title to date - Hurrah! And the title foxed me too! I thought the happy new parents we saw at the start were going to fall out when he loses his job, but no! ‘The Ex’ in question is a high school sweet heart of the wife who tries to come between the happy couple.

The film opens with the couple, Zach Braff and Amanda Peet choosing baby names. I was a bit worried that it was going to be a bit cutesy pie but it quickly got on track when our hero meets a couple of ass holes in the shape of a braggart school chum played by Josh off ‘Sports Night’ and a horrible boss played by Brian Fantana off ‘Anchorman. The kitchen scene was a cracker and a must see for anyone planning on losing their jobs.

With Zach sacked he heads off with wife and baby to take up an advertising job with her father in Ohio. The office is populated by various people you’ve seen in other films including an underused Amy Poehler as an off kilter employee. The main action takes place in the trendy advertising loft as Zach meets ‘The Ex’ in the shape of Jason Bateman’s wheelchair bound manipulator.

What follows is a familiar tale of mind games as Bateman humiliates Zach and starts to turn everyone against him. Some of his schemes are pretty funny and it kept the offbeat nature of the film on track. Soon Zach has a chance to shine when he discovers a child star who can do a trick that’d never get on TV - mass chokings anyone?

With Zach alienated Bateman starts to make a play for his wife and we have to wonder if the most obvious of the two obvious twists will be used - wrong! - they use both the obvious twists!

I didn’t expect to like this film seeing as Braff is usually as funny as cold sick but he made the wise move of surrounding himself with some great talents to largely favourable results. Bateman is great playing his usual smarmy bastard and does his familiar over friendly, but not really routine. He came across as genuinely mental and his manipulative schemes were all good manic fun.

I suppose we were meant to side with Zach but he’s such a douche that you wonder how he got a knock out wife and hope that his slacking will see him undone. The last act let the film down by being too predictable and by having the wife shift her character 180 degrees in 30 seconds.

It’s a shame that guys like Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler only got cameos but their scenes gave us the biggest laughs and there were plenty of other familiar faces to keep us interested, such as Mia Farrow as the under written mum.

Given some of the tat that qualifies as entertainment I thought this funny and well made film would have enjoyed a higher profile. Yeah, there is a bit of baby and relationship stuff but you also get a sauce fight and plenty of cock gags so it’s well worth a look as a ‘date night’ movie.

THE Tag Line : Ex-cellent - Well Quite Good At Any Rate 69%

No.52 : The Bridge (2006)

The Bridge at the IMDb

Here’s nice uplifting documentary to cheers you up - bunch of folk killing themselves by flinging themselves off the Golden Gate Bridge. If that’s not enough to put a spring in your step the clips of the suicides are inter cut with interviews of those left behinds, sometimes to literally pick up the pieces.

The film was made in 2004 and caught most of the 24 suicides who plummeted off the bridge to their near certain deaths. The director set up a long lensed camera at a suicide hot spot on the bridge and over the months he filmed he gained dubious footage of damaged people ending it all.

The actual suicide footage, although tremendously powerful lasts a matter of seconds so clearly he had to go and find some padding in the shape of talking head relatives who were largely trying to find some sense in the senseless and selfish acts. There is also further padding with long and arty establishing shots of the bridge and of various bridge users which soon causes a sense of ‘is he over next’ in the viewer.

There is no narration to the film and it seems somewhat random. There is an attempt at a central spine to the film in the shape of Gene, a long haired layabout, who pops up throughout.If I was being cynical I’d say that Gene’s story is focused upon because he was the one that they had the best death footage of. His relatives were also quite eloquent but unable to add much to what a pretty straightforward tale of depression followed by suicide.

The point of the film is hard to establish and it’s almost pornographic the way the ‘money shots’ are carefully doled out through the 90 minutes running time. I’m sure the random and uneven feel to the film would be explained as a narrative on the damaged people’s motivations but it’s more likely it was cobbled together using the best footage and the relatives who were willing to talk for reasons unknown.

It would be hard not to be moved by the film given that we share the last seconds of several peoples’ lives and the big finale is genuinely shocking but the lasting impression is one of sadness that these desperate people never got the help they needed.

I would have liked to see more of the other side, the poor buggers charged with recovering the bodies and State officials who could explain why the world’s favourite suicide spot doesn’t have higher barriers or catch nets. I guess the attitude is that if they are going to kill themselves it’s better to do it here than onto a busy freeway.

Almost every suicidee found a positive advocate but for the most part the tales were consistent in terms of depression and escalating attempts to take their own lives. Sometimes suicide attempts can be cries for help or for attention but the guys we saw here knew there was no going back.

The overall feel of the film is of one built around a few seconds of footage with bricks of worthiness and head shaking. The actual effect is one of grubby exploitation with no message I could see.

THE Tag Line : Take Me Away From The Bridge 52%

No.51 : The Core (2003)

The Core at the IMDb

Some people will tell you the ‘The Core’ is a lot of far fetched hokum, but I checked it out and it never actually claimed to be a documentary. It’s one of those films that always seem to be on and no matter were you stumble in to it you always hang about to the end. At least until the black guy does his noble sacrifice at any rate.

Anyway the world is in danger. People with pacemakers are falling over and pigeons are going mental in Trafalgar Square. The cause is unknown but dashing boffin Aaron Eckhart has an idea about the electro magnetic field breaking down. He consults with celebrity big head scientist Stanley Tucci who agrees that things look grim. They talk to the dad out of ‘Six Feet Under’ who has been promoted to head of the army and they set about saving the day.

They meet up with a black guy in the desert and effectively steal all his stuff. The plan is to journey to the planet’s core, to kick start the lava and save the day. They enlist Hilary Swank’s unfeasibly young and beautiful NASA pilot and a couple of other guys who are so destined to be cannon fodder that they may as well have been wearing red shirts.

After a couple of big surface disasters, the kind that dominate the trailer, the mission is on. They dive into the sea in their tunnelling machine and are soon travelling through special effects that are markedly poorer than those of ‘Inner Space', which is at least a decade older. As you’d expect there are bumps along the way, the kind that demand the crew get out and stretch their legs and allow for a noble sacrifice or two, no three - four!

I’ve seen ‘The Core’ five times easy and I’m always seduced by its cheesy charms. It’s light weight fun and despite more techno babble than a year of ‘Star Trek’ they still manage to make the implausible totally unbelievable. In the scene where they exit the craft, despite thousands of pounds of pressure, throwaway lines like “at least our suits are holding” without any reason why take you so far away from the premise that you may as well be watching an old man feeding his dog if you wanted scientific exposition. But we never came to learn - we came to see noble speeches and shit getting blown up.

I know landmark destruction is the ‘money shot’ in this kind of film but it beggars belief that the three points of the planet, that’s 70% water by the way, that the phenomena chooses to strike are Trafalgar Square, Rome are the Golden Gate Bridge. What’s the chances of that happening then? In fact if I was living near a landmark and saw a Hollywood film crew I’d be heading for the hills.

The characters are all likable and it’s rare to see Swank or Eckhart is a less than enjoyable film. Tucci delivers well as the up his arse scientist who may turn out nice in the end. His black polo neck and smoking habit were a bit much - they should just have given him a moustache to twirl and be done with it.

The destruction and technology effects were all well done with the microwaving of San Francisco and the frying of Rome both well executed. Less good was the travel though the Earth which looked like a lot of bubbles.

The plot was patently ridiculous with so many holes that you could turn a double decker bus over in them. It is of course moot to moan about the lack of decompression illness when you are talking about a metal tube fixing the planet but that’s half the fun of high concept nonsense like this.

If you’ve managed to miss ‘The Core’ on its endless repeat Film 4 showings you should have a look - the most fun scoffing you’ll have watching a disaster movie. Apart from ‘2012’.

THE Tag Line - No Bore Core Gets Decent Score - 70%

No.50 : The Hide (2008)

The Hide at the IMDb

A 90 minute film of two guys talking in a bird watching hide may not be the sort of thing most people would be attracted to but there was enough happening in this taught drama to keep me interested.

We open with the gay dad off ‘The In-Betweeners’ arriving at the titular structure ready for a hard day’s twitching. He’s seen all but one of Britain’s native species of birds and the conditions are ripe for him to tick off the last on his list. We know he’s a bit obsessive compulsive by the way he arranges his note books and equipment but at least he remembered to bring lots of sandwiches.

He’s barely eyed up his first bird when his solitude is ruined by someone at the door. We’re bound to be a bit worried as the new guy has tattoos and a bottle of wine - and there’s not much left! The conversations starts somewhat muted as the two men try to figure the other out. The older man, Roy, is by the book and very ‘old school’. He doesn’t care for the younger man, Dave’s, analogies featuring ‘nun’s bums’ and is clearly worried for his safety. He does have a friend at the other end of a walkie-talkie but sadly it’s one of those devices governed by the movie convention that it can only work intermittently and give out garbled half messages capable of being misunderstood.

Dave seems a lit of a loose cannon who’s capable of flying off the handle like so many lapwings. We really start to worry when we see that he has a gun and that a police helicopter is searching the area. But wait! Could we have gotten it wrong and the police’s target is someone other than the wine guzzling, tattooed miscreant? Better have another sandwich and mull it over…

I caught this film late night on ‘Film 4’ having never previously heard of it. It engaged me from the off and despite not enjoying ‘talking heads’ films I stayed to the end, enjoying every turn.

The two leads are both excellent as they’d really have to be for you to buy into the film. It has its origins as a stage play and it’s easy to see that in the single set production and cast of two. I liked the stiff and uptight Roy who was slowly dismantled as the film progresses. From his aloof and superior openings he was eventually reduced to talking about his ex-wife and his plans for her and her lover. Dave on the other hand had the opposite arc, starting out wild and random and ending up a bit sensitive and sympathetic.

The twists were well thought through and logical given the progression of events. There is one genuine ‘eeurgh’ moment amidst a lot of fast talking and deconstruction. You could argue that the central plot and eventual wrong foot are telegraphed from the start, and although I accept that, it was infinitely better than having a third character showing up in the last five minutes to turn things around.

It may be low budget but the crackling script and two excellent performances mean that ‘The Hide’ shouldn’t stay hidden on your movie radar

The (Spoiler) TAG Line : We Put Body & Soul Into Our Sandwiches! 70%

No.49 : The Horde (2009)

The Horde at the IMDb

My totally legitimate and well subtitled copy of the French zombie thriller ‘La Horde’ gave the title in translation as ‘Legion of Evil’. That hardly fits a definitive article quest but given the UK release is ‘The Horde’ and that the subtitle for a man getting his face eaten was ”Gracious me!” I think we are on safe ground.

If you’ve seen pretty much any zombie film, you’ve see ‘The Horde’ - but this time it’s in French! The usual rules apply about only head shots killing and bites being infected but I’m happy with that - what if they introduced flying zombies? The purists would be apoplectic!

Some less well viewed reviewers have likened this film to ‘Rec’ but apart from it happening in a building with a monstrous twist I don’t really see it. The film opens with a piss poor police raid on a block of derelict flats. We’re not quite sure that they are cops as they are a bit quick to stab up the guards but basically they are on a raid. They get to the flat but the intervention of a trigger happy superintendant and training that must have come from the British Secret Service causes things to go tits up.

The bad guys quickly off a couple of the cops and are about to wipe them out when one of the dead gets up to eats a bit of face. As in all these films there is a caveat that none of the characters have never seen a zombie film or played ‘Resident Evil’ because no one shouts ‘Shite it’s a horde of zombies’ instead they all flap about saying ‘what’s going on’ in French.

Soon we are down to three cops and three bad guys and they then get sub divided into a two and a four. Of the two the sexy lady cop has a bitten colleague for company and he’s starting to turn. Luckily she’s handy with a gun and indeed a fridge. Meanwhile the foursome meet a wacky axe man resident who has a penchant for zombie tits and then split up when a long simmering dynamic in the bad guy hierarchy boils over.

As they try to escape the building the horde closes in and as numbers dwindle we have to wonder if they’ll do the tired old route of having the seemingly weakest character, the lady, being the sole survivor. Of course they do!

Despite its formulaic plot and set up there is a lot to like in ‘The Horde’ and I enjoyed it throughout. The zombie action doesn’t rear up until about a third of the way in but by then you’ve had time to invest a little in the characters before they get eaten. I liked the relatively slow build up with the chaos in the city beyond only seen fleetingly in reflections and the like. If this were a student film you’d suspect that this was a cost saving device but not here because the cast of ravenous thousands is soon revealed in all its blood splattered glory.

They do well to mix up the formula with some great fight scenes between characters and zombies with all manner of implements and household appliances roped in to help the carnage. It does help that this is the best tooled up apartment block in all of France with industrial machine guns and grenades lying about all over the place.

I’m not sure but I think there were a couple of bits of commentary about France’s colonial past and the subjugation of women but happily these soon passed for the next round of carnage. I’ve no idea of the body count apart from ‘huge’ and the methods of dispatch were fun, varied and totally uncensored. It is of course a tired old formula but ‘The Horde’ is definitely the best zombie film I’ve seen since the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ remake. OK I know that wasn’t that long ago but it had a dog being dangled amid zombies in it!

THE Tag Line : Horde, Gored, Not Bored 78%

No.48 : The Wolfman (2010)

The Wolfman at the IMDb

The classic 1940s Universal horror movie gets a modern makeover in this faithful and enjoyable remake.

We open with the familiar sight of a man stumbling through a smoky forest at night. The credits have still to roll so we know it isn’t looking good. Our wolfy hero does a bit of quick slashing and soon we’re in London watching a ropey actor playing an even ropier actor. After the show the actor thinks the groupies have arrived but sadly no, it’s the fiancée of the forest guy who’s our man’s brother and she worried about his going missing.

Although dismissive at first he’s soon compelled by the script to head home to the gothic family pile. On the way he’s given a wolf head cane by Max Von Sydow in a scene that looks more important than it later turns out to be. At the crumbling family home our actor hero (Benicio Del Toro) meets his family’s imaginatively named Indian servant , Singh, and his gun totting Pop Anthony Hopkins. The search for his brother proves a short one as he’s already turned up in a ditch.

Our man decides to hang around and do some sleuthing. He tries out the gypsy camp as there are stories that their dancing bear is the culprit but after consulting with the wise woman and seeing a fragging great wolf eat about 20 people he decides that the legends are true after all. He gets further evidence when he gets chomped too.

As you’d expect he’s soon banging on about feeling fitter and stronger and everyone is most impressed when the wound heals in a couple of days - no MRSA to worry about then. Of course he has the wolf curse flowing through his veins and on the next full moon (which seem to occur at least twice a week) he takes several bites out of the local community. These guys are on the ball however and soon with the help of Jack the Ripper sleuth Abberline (Agent Smith off ‘The Matrix’) he’s captured and shipped off to a London loony bin. Here he’s in the care of a nut job who looks like David Gest who thinks the best curse is to sit him in front of a full moon in front of a large audience - HUGE mistake.

After an extended bite fest through the streets of ye Olde London our man heads back to the family home to try and end the curse once and for all. Can the identity of the main wolf been ascertained - surely it’s not going to be the obvious candidate Tony Hopkins? Might be!

At two hours this film is a bit long for the plot it covers. That said it was enjoyable and the kill rate kept my interest up. The casting of Del Toro seemed a bit strange given that he was meant to be an English society man but that was explained away by his gypsy mother. They don’t manage to explain why he looks nothing like his dad, Tony Hopkins or why he talks like a Mexican doing an English accent but that’s the olden days for you.

Del Toro is good in the lead and seemed to invest a lot in some of the nastier killing and torture scenes. Less good was the normally reliable Hopkins who seemed off his game somewhat umming and ahhing through several lines.

Obviously a wolf man picture hangs on its special effects and the ones employed here were largely good. There was quite a bit of overt CGI but the transformations, killings and evocations of Olde London were all well done. I liked that the film was more or less a straight remake and although that defuses many of the surprises there were a few turns that kept me interested. The Abberline character although largely ineffectual was a good add and it was nice to see a few Victorian cases, real and imagined being married together.

The whole production reeked of class with the grotty Victorian streets and the visceral murders all excellently realised. There may not have been too much to worry the academy but for a remake of a classic horror movie this had a lot to like.

THE Tag Line - Full Moon - Full (ish) Marks 75%

No.47 : The Champ (1979)

The Champ at the IMDb

A real old sob fest next in the shape of ‘The Champ’ a remake of the family struggle boxing drama.

Jon Voight plays the titular pugilist who works as a horse trainer seven years after he last fought in a losing title fight. He has a cutesy pie son , TJ, and a passion for booze and gambling. An early chance at a comeback is lost when he decides to go drumming and boozing in what later turns out to be one of his better decisions.

Sad at letting his son down he makes amends by stealing his boy’s $20 savings and by heading off to the craps table. As Hollywood would have it he transforms the $20 into $6400 and gives his long suffering offspring a horse as a share of the winnings. The horse, as you’d expect, is a cracker and soon it’s running in a class one race. The young lad shows off his potty mouth and attracts the attention of society lady Faye Dunaway who turns out to be the lad’s mother.

The Champ is less than impressed at the mother being back on the scene seeing as she walked out on him and the boy years ago. She must be good in the sack or something because she now lives on a luxury yacht with a doctor and wants the boy back in her life. Keen to show he’s still an able father The Champ goes out and gets pissed and loses the boy’s horse in a card game. When the gamblers show up to collect The Champ shows off his punching skills but ends up in the pokey for his troubles.

He realises that the Mother ain’t so bad and tries to get the boy to go and stay with her. Unbelievably the boy gives up life on the ocean waves for The Champ’s hotel room and sozzled socker realises that the only way he can show the boy any kind of life is to get back in the ring, despite his ringing headaches (remember that!). After your typical boxing film training montage the big fight is set. TJ is ring side and the ex-wife takes on the Talia Shire role in the stand. Can The Champ regain his former glories? Or will his hard living catch up with him?

I was quite surprised by the gritty edges of ‘The Champ’. Yeah it’s sentimental and schmaltzy but the scenes of parental neglect were pretty full on. The Miami social services clearly got their training off Haringey Council as this was a care case if ever there was one. Voight was good value as the pished up puncher, complete with wide collared shirts and vacant looks.

The longed for happy ending is continually dashed with the horse falling over the least of the troubles for the blue eyed seven year old, who manages to idolise The Champ despite all the evidence staring him in the face. Faye Dunnaway is less good as the estranged Mother whose motivations aren’t really touched on. I think at the end we’re meant to like her but the feeling I was left with was that she’d managed to hook a rich hubby and thought she’s grab the boy for her entertainment.

The film is a bit long for what the plot contains, with the two hour running time at least five rounds too long. There is only one fight in the film but it’s well handled with some real brutality layed on for the baying crowd and crying child.

I’m not sure what conclusion we were meant to reach here but it wasn’t redemption from my angle - something like bad bitches come out smelling of roses would probably cover it. With the suspect ending the whole thing is a bit unsatisfying but as a whole the film is well played and mostly entertaining.

THE Tag Line : Ring Rusty Champ Wins On Points 64%

No.46 : The Accused (1988)

The Accused at the IMDb

I’m not a big fan of court room films, ‘Witness for the Prosecution’ notwithstanding. Like many sports films and any old ‘triumph against adversity’ gubbins the end is a foregone conclusion. There has been a slight renaissance with some sports movies like ‘Coach Carter’ and the ‘Bad News Bears’ remake where the big twist was that they lost but they also ‘win’ - but court room films don’t have that option. Either the bad guy gets banged up or he walks - no middle ground. Unless he walks and gets shot on the way out the court or he gets off on appeal off camera.

Yeah I know you’ve got the ‘Mockingbird’ defence and while that was a great film and the good guy lost at least it taught us innocent kids a bit about the realities of life.

Anyway ‘The Accused’ is a decent enough court room drama that is helped by only the last few minutes taking place in a court room. You still get the emotive speeches and pleas to the jury but at least you get a little bit of investigation along the way. Jodie Foster plays a trailer trash waitress, Sarah, who gets gang raped by three men on a pinball table while some jeering louts and a sensitive video game player look on.

After a pretty blow by blow account of the hospital forensic tests the three rapists get fingered and are put on trial. Fearing that her main witness was drunk and a bit slutty the DA, played by the woman out of ‘Top Gun’, plea bargains the rape charge down to reckless endangerment, much to the disgust of her client. Feeling a bit guilty herself Top Gun woman goes after the jeering mob in a hope of atoning for doing her job.

After a lucky break on the Pac-Man machine she traces the sensitive video games player who agrees to testify despite the pressure of his rapist friends. The trial is set and the lawyers have their show stopper speeches ready. Will the fragile waitress get the justice she craves or will the baying mob of louts walk free? It’s the first one!

I quite enjoyed ‘The Accused’ despite its obvious agenda and total lack of strong believable male characters. There’s no doubt that the case as presented was horrendous and brutal but the men were all such stereotype red necks and frat boys that it made the whole thing seem unbelievable. I’m pretty sure in the real case, on which the film was based, the drunken mob didn’t come up with catchy chants.

Foster was great as Sarah and really pulled off the tough and sexy yet fragile and vulnerable waitress. She rightly got an Oscar for her performance which must have been harrowing given the violent and humiliating subject matter. Top Gun woman was less good as the hard as nails, but has now learned a valuable lesson, DA.

I like the way the film showed various viewpoints of the unseen events before we saw the actual crime in the last half hour. I don’t know if this was a late addition as lots of the court room testimony later referred to was missing. It certainly made the film more real and had a lot more impact than another 30 minutes of court room drama.

The best scene for me was Sarah shopping for tapes when she encounters the most loathsome man you’ll ever see. Think of a male version of the landlady out of ‘Kingpin’ - certainly one worth losing your no claims bonus over.

This is the kind of film you can’t really enjoy. The grim subject matter and the foregoing conclusion rob it of any real thrill or drama and the scenes at the end where they’re all having a good laugh at the outcome don’t sit right. A worthy film definitely, but a watchable one? The jury’s out.

THE Tag Line : Accused of Being Grim & Predictable 62 %

No.45 : The Order (2003)

The Order at the IMDb

I was about 20 minutes into ‘The Order’ when I started getting a sense of déjà vu. I consulted by trusty records and found that I had seen it before on 17/09/2003 under the title ‘The Sin Eater’, which is a better and more accurate name but one word too many for our purposes. So ‘The Order’ it is! I see I saw it on a double bill with ‘The Hard Word’ and I don’t remember anything about that either - I blame the amnesia drugs they put in the pick ‘n mix.

‘The Order’ opens poorly with Heath Ledger as a priest spouting some pretentious mumbo jumbo. You quickly realise that this is going to be one of those ‘here’s the end let’s show you how we get here’ kind of films. That’s ok if the ending is a sexy and spectacular explosion filled thrill fest - not so good when it’s a priest telling you his burdens.

We quickly meet an old priest in Rome who gets a visitor of the deadly kind. Heath is a special kind of detective priest and is sent to Rome by Robo-Cop to see what’s happening. He enlists the help of a dodgily accented Irish priest played by the fat bloke off the Tesco ads. The detective work takes five minutes but there is a pretty cool scene where they go to this underground lair of some baddie priests (is there any other kind?) and they get some leads off a bloke getting hung.

The clues lead them to ‘The Other’ a rich looking German bloke who acts as a sin eater - a kind of ‘get out of jail free card’ for the guilty. On their death beds he says a few words, eats some bread from their chests and after engorging on some poor CGI he takes on their sins leaving the damned a free pass to the after life. This seems like a decent deal for all concerned, but the church isn’t happy with someone muscling in on their racket.

Heath suffers a crisis of faith after some shagging and is defrocked quicker than the lady. With the sin eater getting tired and Heath out of a job it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to work out what’s the next thing being added to the pumping priest's CV.

I’m not a great fan of religious films but I did find a few things to like in ‘The Order’. The other world, unseen by the general public is a well worn theme with films like ‘Interview With the Vampire’ doing it better but I still liked the demonic kids and the hooded secret society. The leads were all pretty good with Robo-Cop, Peter Weller, on fine form as the next pope in line. Heath was OK but a bit too earnest and moody in a role that must have been a hard sell. At least they stuck in a sex scene which must have been a big ask given the subject matter.

Less good was his relationship with the girlfriend who seemed a lot of hard work and certainly not worth giving up a lifetime’s vocation for. Tesco man was ok in a thin role and I did like home getting lured into a cellar by some sins from his past, none of which involved choirboys. He gave good support throughout, just like his neck which must be made of iron.

The special effects were lousy with the accumulated sins of a lifetime being a pile of CGI tentacles and the ‘twist’ at the end was obvious from the off.

I enjoyed the film more than I felt I would and there was enough originality and thought provoking stuff to help you overlook its many flaws. Not great but not something you’d have cringe to confess to liking either.

THE Tag Line : Father Bed in Good Order 67%

No.44 : The Crazies 1973 & 2010

The Crazies (1973) at the IMDb
The Crazies (2010) at the IMDb

Well here’s a treat for our loyal readership, yes both of you, it’s a double bill of all things ‘The Crazies’. Don’t expect this kind of double barrelled excitement on a regular basis although a three letter definitive double of ‘The Fly’ & ‘The Fog’ could just happen. Although probably not.

I had never heard of ‘The Crazies’ franchise until I recently saw a TV ad for the new version. This consisted of a load of screaming people and then an earnest voiceover announce ‘THE CRAZIES’ - "I wonder what that’s about" I sarcastically said to the long suffering wife. Rubbish looking or not I thought I’d have a look for this quest and was pleasantly surprised. I then found it was a remake of a 1973 George Romero film and I was unpleasantly disappointed. Still one out of two ain’t bad as a downsized Meatloaf might say.

Both films, as you’d expect, have basically the same premise : the military tries to contain the outbreak of a virus that makes people crazy and homicidal. We follow the lead through his attempts to avoid capture before a downbeat ending. There are differences along the way but the essence is the same with the values and talent being the deciding factor between the relative success and failure of the two films.

The original sees a fireman and his nurse girlfriend getting it on. He’s a bit scared to have some loving as she’s pregnant and he’s worried about getting his cock bitten by the baby. She dances around in the buff for a while in one of the film’s few highlights before he’s called to a big fire. A man has gone crazy and has killed his wife, toasted his kids and burnt his house down. Meanwhile the preggers nurse has been called into work to find loads of guys in haz-mat suits barking orders and acting badly.

We soon learn that a military plane went down in the nearby hills and its bio-weapon has escaped. As the population start to exhibit signs of the virus all hands get to work finding a cure while the president’s finger hovers over the ‘nuke’ button. The local population, who seem very red neck, take up arms against the military and shoot up plenty, spoiling their nice white suits. Will our heroes survive and can the virus be contained?



Meanwhile in 2010 the sheriff out of ‘Deadwood’ has been cunningly recast as a sheriff in a small town. He’s got a doctor wife who’s pregnant - eat that 70’s fireman - and a bit of a problem at the baseball field. A local man has gone crazy, well he’s more sleepwalking, and the sheriff has to shoot him down in the middle of the game - one foul ball too many methinks.

He’s a bit upset but more so when other people start acting mental and filling up his jail. He does some digging and soon finds a massive underwater plane and a dead ejected pilot and realises that bio-weapon transport has not improved one inch in 27 years. He figures the water is tainted with the toxin and the trail of crazy people follows the water’s path into town. With this information in hand he tries to shut down the water but is stopped by the mayor and then the military who shove everyone into the high school and strap them to beds.

Before long it kicks off big style with crazies, the military and local vigilantes all shooting the place up. With no regard for quarantine our man heads out of town with his flaky deputy and foxy wife with a slight niggle that the craziness may be in one of them already.

This is a rare occasion where the remake totally trumps the original. The idea is a good one but in the original the ‘crazy’ aspect is hardly seen in favour of lots of middle aged men shouting a lot and looking at test tubes to a soundtrack of annoying military drummimg. In the remake the cure isn’t touched on with containment being the military’s focus. The sequel also does a good job in keeping you unnerved as to who is crazy and who is just having a really bad day.

Both films didn’t really sell the motivation of the main character too well. I may be a soft touch but if I were a sheriff told by the army that there was a lethal virus about I wouldn’t be trying to get out of town. Both films also have a high kill rate with the former probably having the most. Virtually all of these were gun shots though and it seems like the local marksmen have a good chance at the Olympics. The newer film has a lot of inventive gore and a couple of scenes where the jeopardy was really well handled to the point I couldn’t see a way out.

The first film clearly suffered from a lack of budget with amateur actors delivering some horrendously crappy dialogue. The second is a no expense spared high tech extravaganza with a lot of similarities to the ‘Resident Evil’ films with the on screen text and satellite shots all present and correct.

You aficionados out there may scream that the remake is a triumph of style over substance but when you are dealing with a crazy person plague I’ll take all the style going.

THE Tag Line : Modern Master Triumphs Over 70’s Shite

1973 - 53% 2010 - 74%

No.43 : The Losers (2010)

The Losers at the IMDb

This ‘men on a mission’ thriller isn’t anything ground breaking or original but it has a lot of laughs and action which I imagine is pretty much what it sets out to do.

The plot is the familiar ‘fish out of water’ scenario which sees our five man CIA black ops unit go on the run when a mission goes awry. Their mission, to take out a drug lord, goes ahead despite the baddy’s compound being full of kids - just like in ‘Clear and Present Danger’. Our men can’t let a big missile blow up the kids (and the bad guys) so they decide to steam in and save the brats in what seemed a bit of an unlikely decision for a bunch of hard assed mercenaries. Still we need to know they are the good guys early on, so fair enough.

They manage to get the kids out but are targets for death themselves and only survive due to them giving up their ride for the soon to be angelic infants. Now off the radar our guys set out and a revenge mission of their own against the mysterious Max who is keen for a big war to start so he can deal weapons and seize power. With our men without money and arms they are stuck in Bolivia until a sexy babe offers them a deal to get back to the USA, in return for offing Max Headcase.

Our team are soon back in the arms of Uncle Sam and set up some elaborate plans to track down and take out the bad guys. Of course there are bumps in the road in the shape of a traitor in the gang and some hidden agendas but essentially it’s just a big man hunt with a sequel looming large at the end.

The plot summary there may make this sound a pretty simplistic film and that’s because it is. The plot goes from A to B to C with no real deviations. It’s kind of like an A*Team set up with our guys on the run and trying to clear their names while righting some wrongs.

I enjoyed the film throughout and I was glad to see it’s comic book origins weren’t hidden like a dirty secret. A few times the characters dissolve into their cartoon equivalents and the cracking opening credits had Jock infused panels all over the place.

The characters were all spot on and it was good to see a few familiar faces bring the strip to life. Of the main five you have Stringer Bell, Johnny Storm and The Comedian with a couple of decent turns making up the numbers. I particularly liked the hat fetishised sniper who, like every movie sniper in history, never misses a shot. Also good was Zoe Saldana who spent most of the film in her bra and acting mysterious and the always reliable (apart from all the time) Jason Patric as Max, whom I bet was written as enigmatic but just came across as a tit.

The action scenes were all well done with the armoured car hijack and money plane show down both great sequences. I also liked Johnny Storm picking off the guards with his lethal fingers in one of several funny set pieces that set the film above many of its contemporaries.

Over all the film is largely mindless and forgettable, but for the 90 minutes you are watching it you’ll have a few laughs, some sexy action and plenty of explosions - sound like a good deal to me.

THE Tag Line : Losers : A Winner! 69%

No.42 : The Jerk (1979)

The Jerk at the IMDb

‘The Jerk’ is probably Steve Martin’s best film along with ‘The Man With Two Brains’ - “They aren’t assholes, it’s pronounced azaleas”. People will tell you that ‘Three Amigos!’ is good and the sentimental among you will always pipe up for ‘Trains Planes and Automobiles’ but to my mind Martin’s career has been on a more or less downward trajectory since the Navin R. Johnson bio-pic.

The film from 1979 sees Martin play what became his trademark wacky and a bit dumb character. His later attempts at straight acting in stuff like ‘Shop Girl’ serve only to remind you how he’s so much better when wandering around with a chair with his trousers at his ankles.

‘The Jerk’ ,which is a pretty poor title by the way but I imagine Dostoevsky had copyrighted ‘The Idiot’, sees a young white boy grow up with a dirt poor family in Mississippi. We aren’t told how he got there but as he nears maturity he begins to realise that he doesn’t quite fit in. After getting advice of variable worth from his family he sets out into the world to find his destiny.

He soon finds work and lodgings at Jackie Mason’s gas station but has to run away with the carnival when he attracts the attention of a gun toting loony who happens across Navin’s phone book entry. At the carnival he finds employment as a weight guesser and as the latest squeeze of the motorcycle stunt lady. She shows him his ’special purpose’ and soon his name is on her ass “right under the N’s’ . The tawdry relationship soon falls by the wayside when he meets the sexy Bernadette Peters who despite loving him leaves for a better life.

Distraught at his loss Navin soon finds his fortune in a glasses handle and with his wealth he buys a tacky house complete with a disco room full of friends and wins back his girl. Alas his fortune is soon lost and Navin is back on the street with only his thermos for company. Can it all come good for the lovable loser?

This is a relentlessly funny film that’s a bit shy on plot but big on laughs. Every scene is bursting at the edges with the number of gags shoved in, mostly revolving around Navin’s naivety and stupidity.

The cast is excellent with everyone note perfect from the serial killer turned private eye to the eccentric shit seller who turns the Opti-Grab into the quickest money spinner and loser in history. Peters is a stand out on two fronts - singing and acting. And her tits. She wears a sequence of sexy outfits and deadpans some great scenes as Martin licks her face and the like.

The film is a bit short and as I mentioned the plot - stupid guy gets rich and then poor while winning his girl - can be reduced to a line in the middle of a sentence like that one there. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to leave you wanting more - no one came out of ‘Date Movie’ wanting another half hour!

Unlike less esteemed critics I’ve not listed endless jokes from the film in the belief that it’ll make me seem witty and clever and you really have to see it to understand how funny and crazy it is. OK then just a couple of punch lines ‘Navin R Johnston - sounds like a real bastard’ ‘He’s really got it in for these cans’ and ‘I couldn’t have afforded this place anyway’.

THE Tag Line - Don’t Be Stupid - See ‘The Jerk’ 80%

No.41 : The Howling (1981)

The Howling at the IMDb

Back in the 80s I used to have a copy of ‘The Howling’ that was mysteriously worn out around the 48 minute mark. I can’t remember having ever watched the film the whole way through but certain scenes seemed to resonate more with my teenage mind than others.

Having now seen the film in its entirety that certain scene remains the highlight but the whole thing is certainly worth a look. In a cluttered and clichéd genre it’s good to see a werewolf film that doesn’t take itself too seriously and isn’t afraid to play fast and loose with the ‘rules’.

Our heroine is Dee Wallace a sexy news anchor with big hair. As the film opens we find her out on an investigative report where she aims to rip the lid off some sleazy antics. She is to make contact with her source, Eddie, who quickly leads her to a porno theatre. As the 25c action hots up in the booth Eddie starts to change before he is shot up by a trigger happy cop.

Dee is traumatised by the event, as are we, having spent nearly 30 minutes without a hint of a wolf mask. Dee takes the advice of John Steed and take a convalescence break at his community upstate - HUGE mistake. Dee takes her husband who looks like a walking tribute to ‘Back to the Future’ with his body warmer and tight jeans.

They soon hears some howling in the night and the hubby gets a bite from a stuffed bear like creature. Meanwhile back in the city Dee’s team are following up leads and discover that Eddie’s body has gone awol. After a quick stop at Dick Miller’s book shop of the occult they start to figure out what is happening. Back at the ranch the bitten vegetarian hubby is getting a taste for meat and for the sexy weird chick who lives in a shack.

It soon becomes clear that Dee has found herself in a colony of werewolves and as the intrepid nerd news hound rushes to the rescue we have to wonder who’s wolfie and who just forgot to shave that day.

After a slow start I found this film really enjoyable despite it’s cruddy acting and ropey effects. It’s directed by Joe Dante who did ‘Gremlins’ and the Spider-Man films and his tongue in cheek style is evident throughout. The august cast that includes John Steed and John Carradine in his second definite article in a row ham it up something awful but it’s all good fun. The transformation effects are OK in the snout sprouting department but the over reliance on air bladders is a bit distracting. Talking of distracting the score is a nightmare of overly earnest organ playing and plinky plonk synth - give it a rest I could hardly make out the dialogue in some scenes.

As alluded to earlier there is a bit of full frontal nudity which I remembered from my youth - what I’d forgotten is that after the act they turn into cartoons - my Jessica Rabbit fetish is explained!

It’s not out the park great but for a slightly off beat take on an old genre you could do a lot worse than ‘The Howling’ - just stop at 1 - the many, many sequel prove the law of diminishing returns holds fast.

THE Tag Line : Not Just For Minute 48! 70%

No.40 : The Shootist (1976)

The Shootist at the IMDb

This turned out to be John Wayne’s last film and fittingly he plays an aged gun slinger trying to live out his last days as the old west gives way to new fangled inventions and values.

Wayne plays JB Brooks a notorious killing machine who returns home to Carson City for a check up at Jimmy Stewart’s medical practice. After checking his trap door a grim diagnosis is given - he has cancer and a matter of days to live. After being given a bottle of dope by the Doc, Wayne heads off for some digs and manages to find a bed at Lauren Bacall’s B&B.

Becall is your stereotyped western widow with lots of huffing and disapproval of our man’s antics and language. She has an impressionable son in the shape of Ron Howard and quickly worries that the boy’s idolisation of Wayne can’t lead to anything good. Despite of his hopes of lying low, Wayne’s presence hasn’t gone unnoticed and pretty soon every man and his dog is at the door trying to turn a buck off his notoriety.

After booting out a newspaper man and biographer Wayne soon sorts out other conmen in the shape of the undertaker and Scatman Crothers’ horse trader. He realises that other less soft people may be on their way to settle some old scores and readies himself for one last show down. After shooting two night time assassins and wrecking the guest house, all of Becall’s other tenants move out leaving our happy trio a few days together before the inevitable blood bath. As the brigands descend on the town will Wayne get his wish of a quiet death or will he go down all guns blazing?

Most of what I’d heard about this film wasn’t true - Wayne didn’t have cancer throughout shooting (he did die of cancer 3 years later) and the film wasn’t specifically written for him as a swan song to a career in westerns - he was seemingly fifth choice for the lead. This misinformation sits well with the film however which deals with the difference between the legend and the man. Despite the locals all living in fear of Wayne, he is in reality a scared old man waiting to die.

The film opens in black and white with clips of old Wayne films showing him (and his character here) as a young man before dissolving into colour for the present day. The sets are well done with things like the horse drawn trolley car a good indicator that the wild west days are falling away. The film is set in the week following the death of Queen Victoria in 1901 and the ‘end of an era’ feel permeates throughout.

Wayne has never been a favourite of mine but he does well in this role, showing just enough humility beneath his gruff exterior. It was fun to see him paired up with James Stewart although the latter’s performance is little more than a cameo followed by a wordless appearance at the end. Becall is good value as the spirited widow although I didn’t really buy the transformation in her affections for the potty mouthed hell raiser.

Ron Howard was OK as the impressionable lad although you are still thinking ‘Happy Days’ throughout. He didn’t ring true when he was swigging the booze but when he was doing his ‘can I mister, can I?’ routine he was fine. Of the bit parts John Carradine hammed it up big style as the undertaker and Scatman was good fun as the horse trader with an early eye for celebrity memorabilia.

The film runs a pretty straight narrative and there are no real surprises. It is good fun however and great to see some genuine Hollywood legends strut their stuff for one last time. The gun play and action is a bit low key but the characters are great and it’s well worth shooting down the DVD shop for. Or just download it - I don’t care.

THE Tag Line : Bang, Bang - I’m Dead 75%

No.39 : The Penthouse (2010)

The Penthouse at the IMDb

The Penthouse is a dire effort that amazingly seems to have been inspired by the equally desperate ‘Wild Roomies’ (which our sister Blog covered : http://100wmovies.blogspot.com/2008/08/no47-wild-roomies.html ) right down to the promising a lot, but delivering nothing poster.

The film opens with a reality show nearing its conclusion. This tired formula takes the guise of a show where the winning contestant gets to live in the penthouse apartment where the show is filmed. The last two are our hero Tyler and a dizzy blonde who doesn’t care who wins as they are in love and will live together anyway. Predictably Tyler wins and dumps the blonde, choosing to move his friends in instead.

As you’d imagine the friends are a mismatched lot but have something in common in all being about 30, good looking and white - bet this one broke all records at the Harlem multiplex! The friends include an introverted writer who has a dysfunctional relationship and anther douche bag who wants to be a nurse to get some flange.

Initially things go well with a couple of racy parties but soon we have to address some issues, as you do. The writer has writer’s block and is being presurised by his father in law, Ed Begley Jnr, to commit to his daughter and provide some offspring. Why he wants this dickwad to contaminate his gene pool is anyone’s guess but our man isn’t up for it anyway. He’s got his eye on Tyler’s sister who was once an ugly duckling but has now blossomed into a pretty lady. The pair are perfect for each other but only we the viewer can see it - well until the last ten minutes at any rate.

Tyler’s life of debauchery and instant fame are starting to take a toll and the film attempts to document the downside of fame while he sucks beer off the plastic tits of two models - er, job done. His erstwhile girlfriend shows up at his book signing and pretty soon he starts to realise that the trappings of fame are no match for true love .

The third plot strand is barely worth a mention but the nurse guy ends up boning the pretty doctor he answers to in a revelation I totally missed the point of.

This is a totally pointless exercise in a film. The three males leads are all awful actors and terrible characters. Two are beer swilling boors while the third is a sensitive nerd just waiting to blossom when he finds the right girl. What lessons or development we are meant to be getting here is totally lost in the random script and in the total lack of development for all concerned.

The trials of half a dozen beautiful white yuppies living in a luxurious apartment is clearly a valid one, but only if you flushed your brain down the toilet. Not one of the cast convinces and at no point does your dial shift from ‘asshole’ for any of the leads.

The reality TV bubble burst a long time ago and if this 2010 production thought it could add a foot note to the phenomena it’s clearly mistaken. Virtually all the film is sent inside the titular abode, which is fair enough, but the whole production looks like it was completed in an afternoon for some student film project. The director does try to add some flair by using several cut shots of wind up toys but sadly these serve only to highlight the desperate acting of those of the non-clockwork variety.

As you’d have gathered ‘The Penthouse’ wasn’t quite ‘top of the block’ for me and frankly if they hadn’t invested in those gyrating topless dancers we could have been looking at a new record low score.

THE Tag Line : More Pavement Than Penthouse 21%

No.38 : The Matador (2005)

The Matador at the IMDb

Pierce Brosnan tries to shed his James Bond image with a role as a hard drinking, hard shagging assassin with indifferent results.

Brosnan basically plays an exaggerated version of Bond but with an oh so important moustache. He kills various business and political figures without a second thought through his handler, The Library Detective off ‘Seinfeld’. He enjoys his mojiotos, which is useful seeing as the whole film was filmed in Mexico City despite the various clumsy graphics that pop up denoting different cities around the world.

His world is coming apart however and after a botched hit he starts to wonder if he’s next on the hit list. Meanwhile businessman Greg Kinnear has problems of his own as his important business deal is about to go down the pan. He’s also in mouring for his dead son and his relationship with wife, Hope Davis , is showing the strain.

Our two heroes paths collide and after a bonding session at a bullfight they have decisions to make. The film then jumps six months into the future as Brosnan turns up at Kinnear’s snowy Denver home. He’s on the run from his handlers and looking for a return favour. Did he do Kinnear a turn to get his pivotal business deal through and can the favour be returned to save Brosnan’s ever shakier, but still pumping ass?

On first looks this film seems a bit slight. Essentially it’s a two way show between two middle aged men with crisisies in their business and family lives. Obviously the hit man angle spices things up a bit but given we get to see only a couple of actual hits this isn’t really going to win the film pass marks. Brosnan does his best to go against type and parades quite happily in his pants and cow boy boots while getting it on doggy style with several ladies.

His character is quite fun although not entirely believable. Someone so erratic and flamboyant wouldn’t last five minutes without gaining the attentions of the authorities but you tend to overlook this when you sign up for the fun ride the film offers. Kinnear on the other hand does his usual shtick of being the slightly off kilter everyman and is an able foil to Brosnan. I don’t think I’ve seen a bad Greg Kinnear film and he does his usual solid work here.

The film really hits its stride after the bullfight and the two protagonists are pulled from their lives and have to rely on each other. The final scenes and acts are off camera and we’re left to wonder who did what to whom.

The film is a pretty tight 90 minutes and although not a lot happens it does offer two good performances in a shady world with plenty of dark laughs along the way. I’d maybe have liked a bit more action and less chat but Brosnan was good fun and the script was witty and peppered with enough lovely ladies to keep things humming along.

It’s maybe not a classic that’ll live long in the memory but as an exercise in exorcising Bond’s sharp one liners and off screen sexual acrobatics it’s well worth a look.

THE Tag Line : No Bull - Matador Worth Seeing

No.37 : The Squeeze (1987)

The Squeeze at the IMDb

Let’s get a bit obscure now on The Definite Article Movie list with this clunker comedy from 1987 which stars Michael Keaton. Keaton was only two years away from his star turns in ‘Batman’ and ‘Pacific Heights’ so it’s just as well the producers of those hits missed out on this effort which is short on laughs, drama and basically anything that makes a film worth watching. And look at that poster too! - Was Bin Laden a secret fan?!

Keaton plays the poorly defined Harry who is a loser hustler one minute and creator of pretty impressive dinosaurs made out of TVs the next. He has a strangely motivated sidekick in Joe Pantolianio who seems to get nothing from the relationship other than a loss of his cash and occasional beating. Maybe I missed the gay subtext? Well it is the 80’s you can’t judge by the haircuts and loud, baggy shirts.

The film opens with our likely lads executing the poorest card hustle you’ve ever seen, unless you watched ‘Big Deal’ like I did. As our heroes make good their escape Keaton’s ex-wife is trying to post a package twice as big as the mail box. Maybe they shrunk overnight or she’d never posted anything before, but it was never going in, Love.

On getting back home she finds her cat chowing down on a finger and sussing that the game was up she runs off to enlist Keaton’s help. He is strangely agreeable to this despite her debt collector being on his back for unpaid maintenance. After recovering the box and determining it to be a big magnet Keaton hooks up with the debt collector lady to try and work out why the mysterious Frenchman and his goons need the box back before the lottery is drawn.

This isn’t that bad a film, it’s just nothing special and I defy you to remember one thing about it in a month’s time, apart from the massive triceratops made out of TV sets. Keaton plays his usual mulleted, maniacal self which I always find a bit tiresome. He does OK with a weak script and poor character definition but it’s hard to care for a shiftless loser trying to con a fast buck.

Pantoliano gets very little to do and given this was the guy who played Ralphie in ‘The Sopranos’ that was a waste. Speaking of waists Meat Loaf also shows up as a henchman and despite having one of the strongest voices in rock he plays a mute who only gets one line when he’s been stabbed with the Empire State Building - well a model of it at any rate.

The love interest is provided by Rae Dong Chong who sets feminism back 20 years by falling for the alimony dodging Keaton 10 minutes after meeting him. The chemistry isn’t there at all and the devices that bring them together, like a mutual love of ‘Raw Hide’, seem strained at best.

The plot is wafer thin and involves the magnetising of lottery balls to swindle the jackpot. The draw, which is naturally held on the deck of an aircraft carrier, has scandalously low security which lets our cast manipulate the result and shoot off rockets like no one cares who gets the $55 million.

To pick plot holes in the flimsy narrative would be as hard as getting sand in your ass crack at the beach and frankly less fun. It’s not edgy or offensive with there being no sex or swearing to juice things up and without that you’re left with a largely disinterested cast running around for a 100 minutes before the hero has to decide between the money and the girl. ‘The Squeeze’? Puleeze!

THE Tag Line : Lottery Swindle Flick Is A Lot Of Balls 46%

No.36 : The Box (2009)

The Box at the IMDb

It’s 1976 and the Voyager space probes have been launched. Cameron Diaz is married to Cyclops out of ‘X-Men’ and is about to get a delivery. The couple find a box on their door step with a message saying that the delivery man will call the next day - maybe the sender hadn’t put enough stamps on it.

The next day the box delivery man arrives in the shape of Richard Nixon himself, Frank Langella, complete with a CGI covered half face. He tells the couple in a matter of fact fashion that if they press the button on the device inside the box someone they don’t know will die and they’ll get a million bucks. Rather than just smack the button down and demand the cash they have a restless night pondering the dilemma before Cameron presses the button. Huge mistake.

Frank returns to collect his box and delivers the cash. As he leaves he tells them the box will now go to someone else who will be made the same offer - the implication being that Cameron and Cyclops may be the victims of a future button press. Understandably upset they try to weasel out of the deal but are undone at every turn as the box distribution people have confederates on every corner - usually identified by a bleeding nose.

Things start getting a bit weird as legions of seemingly mind controlled people start chasing Cyclops around a library before he is sent home via a big block of water. Meanwhile we see some panicked souls at Langley who know that Frank was killed by lightening shortly after the Voyager probe took off, before being returned to life. They now know that he is in the box and money distribution business but to what end?

Slowly we start to gather the threads together and learn that the whole box set up is a test by persons unknown to gauge the moral value of society and of humanity in general. With Frank back at Cameron’s house he offers an impossible dilemma and the identity of the unknown person who must die in exchange for the cash may not be so unfamiliar after all.

When I saw the first half hour of this film I was wondering why it was called the ‘The Box’ rather than ‘The Button’. As the film progresses however you realise that the button isn’t important and that the box referred to isn’t the container but the restrictions by which we live our lives. At first the dilemma seems a no brainer but then the film cleverly wrong foots you to the point where you think any button pressing would definitely be a bad thing.

I liked the general air of menace and unease that permeates through the film and the idea that everyone is in on this massive conspiracy was a fun if slightly unoriginal one. The first hour of the movie is like a 70s melodrama with a ‘what would you do?’ type narrative before it heads off into totally unexpected places. The CGI of the suspended blocks of water look a bit out of place in the beige 70’s setting but are unnerving and sinister all the same.

The film doesn’t fully explain what was afoot or the motivations behind those involved but I liked that it made you think and subverted your original expectations.

The three leads all do serviceable turns with Diaz possibly the weakest with her varying Southern drawl. I liked how her character was fleshed out with stories of how she lost her toes and it was a brave move to take on an offbeat film like this complete with unflattering fashions. Langella exuded quiet menace throughout and James Marsden did OK with a limited role that mostly involved looking a bit confused.

I’d imagine a lot of Saturday night cinema audience would have left ‘The Box’ with a ‘WTF’ attitude but I enjoyed it’s weirdness and thought provoking subject matter. It was maybe a bit long at two hours but over all it’s well worth taking delivery of ‘The Box’.

THE Tag Line : Box Tops! 78%