No.123 : The Shout (1978)

The Shout at the IMDb

Up next is this hard to fathom British horror from 1978. It’s a bit confusing and unclear but it does have a couple of good points, both of which belong to Susannah York.

The film opens with a cricket match in the grounds of a psychiatric hospital. Doctor Tim Curry is in the scorer’s cabin and he’s soon joined by Alan Bates. It’s not clear if Bates is a patient or on the staff but the two are soon bored by the match and he offers to tell Tim a story to pass the time.

We dissolve to the desolate landscape of Devon where husband and wife team John Hurt and Susannah meet a new friend in the shape of Crossley, played by Alan Bates. We’re not clear now and indeed never are if Bates is playing two characters or whether the events that are to follow see Bates committed.

He tells the couple about witchcraft and ‘the shout’ which is basically some yelling that can kill. He explains how a woman can be enchanted by someone who possesses something from her. The pair are sceptical but it’s not long before Crossley starts to get under their skins.

Hurt soon realises that the enigmatic stranger has his wife in his sights and even worse Susannah’s up for it! We see that Crossley possesses a buckle that she lost from her shoe and we have to wonder if his tales are true and whether the shout exists also.

With dead sheep and lightning bolts in the mix we have to try and understand the non-linear, and frankly baffling, narrative in the hope that a cohesive story becomes clear and that we’ve not wasted 90 minutes of our time. Oh well there is some nakedness to make it not a total waste of time.

I thought I was either a bit drunk or too slow on the uptake to figure this out but having read a few reviews I can see that I am not alone in my bemusement. I get the idea that, with the whole thing set around an asylum, everything we see is subject to interpretation and that we may be witnessing the ramblings of a mad man.

When I watch a film I expect there to be a story that I can follow with logical progression and a worthwhile pay off. If I want a load of random scenes with a message of ‘work it out for yourself’ I’d go and watch that crappy Russian film with time travel set on an industrial estate that made no sense either. Fair play the three principles are all watchable and the lovely Susannah gives her all for her craft which is much appreciated.

Overall however the film is a frustrating mishmash that’s all over the place with nothing to offer apart from the realisation that you’ve spent 90 minutes just for a look at Alan Bates’ fillings.

THE Tag Line ‘The Shite’  35%

No.122 : The Grand (2007)

The Grand at the IMDb

An ensemble cast try to do for poker what Christopher Guest did for dog shows and amateur dramatics in ‘Best in Show’ and ‘Waiting for Guffman’. The results are pretty uneven but if you like poker there will be enough here to keep you interested. Needless to say if you don’t like poker, get your jollies elsewhere.

The film uses the familiar documentary format as we follow six poker players who are preparing for the titular tournament which is worth $10 million, winner take all. The main character is played by Woody Harrelson. He’s spent the last three years in rehab and has had 70 wives - and that’s just his own. He’s motivated to win the tournament as he owes $6 million to Michael McKean’s property developer character and if he loses his family casino, ‘The Rabbit’s Foot’, will be bulldozed.

We also get ‘The German’ played by Werner Herzog who is as mean as his name suggests and he  kills an animal a day to get himself in the mood. Next up is Andy, played by Larry David’s idiot cousin off ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ who plays a hapless internet qualifier who is enjoying a freak streak of luck - or could he be bluffing?

Fourth at the table is Phil off ‘The Sopranos’ who represents the old school of leg breaking poker players, fifth, a semi autistic pro who has George Costanza’s mother in tow and lastly siblings David Cross and Cheryl Hines who are a bit of a dick and is married to Ray Romano respectively.

The film is held together by two sports anchors who run through profiles of each of the characters by way of giving us an introduction to each. We also follow their preparations and hear them rant before the tournament gets under way. The early rounds of the tournament are a bit of a waste of time as we are already certain as to who the last six players will be. This does give the opportunity to show some real life poker players such as Brunson, Helmuth and Negrano acting badly for a bit of screen time.

As the final table is seated we wonder which of our favourites will win through and what will happen afterwards as those predictable captions over the credits round off a very by the numbers offering.

I quite liked this film despite its obvious shortcomings and lack of ambition. Much of the script was improvised and that was apparent given the small number of laughs. The characters were caricatures of your usual poker stereotypes and it was hard to engage with any of them, even Woody who was set up to be our favourite.

The tried device of having dueling sports anchors hold the piece together was a waste, especially as it has been done so much better in films like ‘Dodgeball’ and ‘Best in Show’. The idea that one was constantly trying to pitch his own merchandise got old very quickly and the other lacked any personality.

The usually reliable David Cross was forgettable as the ‘Bad Boy of Poker’ although I did smile at his rubbish website address acquired after all the good ones had been taken. Hines and Romano didn’t play well together and it wasn’t clear why she was with the nerd with a fixation for fantasy football.

It was fun to see fleeting glimpses of Jason Alexander and Michael McKean among others but there were so many talking heads vying for attention that it just seemed like a scatter gun approach with nothing sticking to the screen or to our memories for any length of time.

The final table showdown, which was seemingly played for real, offered nothing but an anti-climax and you have to wonder if a tight script and some dramatic tension couldn’t have helped this film to a full house rather than the 7-2 off suit that it delivered.

THE Tag Line -  Busted Flush! 57%

No.121 : The Passenger (1975)

The Passenger at the IMDb

 Jack Nicholson stars in this ponderous two hour drama that isn’t as smart or as insightful as you’d expect.

Jack plays a jaded war correspondent trying and failing to interview some rebels in Africa so he can complete his film. Much of the opening ten minutes is devoid of dialogue as Jack frustrations mirror those of the viewer who is yelling ‘get on with it!’. He eventually gets stranded on a sand dune and abandons his Landover after giving it a thorough spanking with a spade. He returns to his hotel and ponders over his next move.

He visits the room next door to talk with a businessman with whom he has struck up a friendship but finds that he has died of a heart attack. For reasons not immediately apparent Jack switches passport photos with the dead man and goes to reception to report ‘his’ death. He then assumes the dead man’s life and starts to keep his appointments. On recovering documents from a left luggage locker he learns his new life is that of a gun runner and he quickly harvests a fat wad of cash when he manages to bluff his buyers.

Back in London Jack’s office are making enquiries, with his wife, who is having an affair, also keen to learn of Jack’s last days. When Jack spots his old boss in Barcelona seeking a meeting with his new identity he asks a young student to grab his stuff from the hotel. This helpful girl (Maria Schneider) happily plays along and soon the pair are travelling around Spain in an open top car and making whoopee.

It’s not long however before the police, Jack’s wife and boss and the duped gun buyers are all closing in and we have to wonder if it was worth all the effort.

I didn’t like this film much. It was too full of its own importance with long ponderous scenes meandering by with nothing to say. I got the ideas being offered about identity and isolation and trying to break free from the constraints of society but it just came across as a bit of a caper that hadn’t been thought through.

Jack is always watchable but it was hard to engage with his selfish and random character. His literally life changing decision came across as a whim and he didn’t really do much with it apart from get jiggy with the lovely Maria, which is fair enough I suppose.

I know it wasn’t the focus of the drama but a bit more danger from the gun buyers would have been welcome as two hours of Jack being a bit lost and wistful was too much to take. With the long investment in the film the ending was a letdown and although the single 8 minute shot may be seen as innovative it just came over as lazy editing and unfocused film making.

I can see this playing well to the art cinema audience with plenty of room left for conjecture and theorizing about Jack’s motivations and the metaphors employed. For me this barely qualified as entertainment and although the premise was interesting the execution was overlong and too ponderous to garner half marks.

THE Tag Line - Passenger Taxes!  46%

No.120 : The Juggler (1953)

The Juggler at the IMDb

Kirk Douglas stars in this black and white drama from 1953, as the titular ball manipulator.

It’s 1949 and boatloads of Jews are arriving in their new homeland of Israel following the end of World War 2. Amongst them are camp survivors including Kirk, who has no actual baggage but emotional baggage to spare. He’s managed to keep his slick haircut, but we know his time in the camp has left him a broken man.

Rather insensitively the Israelis put the camp survivors up in a camp and it’s not long before Kirk starts to get cabin fever. Any brush with authority signals loud musical cues that suggest Kirk is like a trapped animal. After a day in the camp he decides to head off to see if he can find peace elsewhere. Of course this is never going to happen and when an officer asks for his papers in a routine check Kirk kicks his head in and runs off thinking he’s killed the curious copper.

Kirk's chiselled jow and elaborate hair atract the attention of the locals and his tale of being an American tourist convinces no one. He does however meet up with a teenage lad in the park ; no, not like that, and the two go on the road together. The boy is impressed with Kirk’s juggling skills and his line in lame puns. The two arrive at a romote kibbutz but stray into a mine field that sees the boy blown up - but not fatally.

Meanwhile the cops are piecing together Kirk’s trail and put up some wanted posters that soon bring fresh leads. The kibbutz has no telephones so Kirk can relax and soon falls for a lonely Jewish girl who has a nice line in short shorts. Kirk finds it difficult to commit but agrees to put on a show for the kids with the help of his now somewhat healed up young friend. As the show gets underway the cops close in - will Kirk entertain the urchins or will his fate be a hail of bullets that signals there are no excuses for bobby bashing?

This was a strange film that was almost a travel brochure for the new state of Israel with some policeman punching added for good measure. There are lots of scenes of industrious Israelis building things or having a big community dance at sun down.

Kirk is portrayed as a damaged man from the off with his concentration camp tattoo flashed regularly so we know our sympathies lie with him despite his poor circus act and penchant for punching. He’s not that sympathetic but he does command your attention, although that’s not saying much given that much of the cast appear to be locals roped in by the production to deliver a couple of wooden lines.

There isn’t much in the way of social commentary with the Germans barely getting a mention. Kirk’s demons are to do with confinement and authority and they make the point well that it doesn’t matter who wears the uniform if you have issues, like Kirk.

The travelogue aspect is well done although I wasn’t buying the romance angle. Kirk’s juggling was quite good but his clown act and hand puppetry work was sorely lacking. The message about healing old scars and understanding mental illness were rote large throughout and at no point was the outcome in doubt. It was however an undemanding 90 minutes and although not worth juggling your schedule to catch it’s worth a look if you chance upon it.

THE Tag Line - Go for the Juggler, if it’s on.  64%

No.119 : The Sandpiper (1965)

The Sandpiper at the IMDb

 Richard Burton and Liz Taylor star in this 1960s drama that sees him as a priest wrestling with his conscience and her as an artist struggling to keep herself in a succession of tight outfits.

The film opens with a young lad shooting a fawn with an air gun as his bohemian mother Liz paints on the beach below. We cut to the judge’s office and learn that the killing is the boy’s third offence in a few months. Liz as a maverick single mother defends her son’s right to explore his emotions but the judge is having none of it and demands the boy goes to Burton’s reform school.

We meet Burton in his priestly garb as he discusses his plans for the boy. No, not like that - he’s married and we are sure there is a spark from the off with the bra-less mother. Burton engineers excuses to visit Liz’s Big Sur beach house and is impressed when she tapes up a sandpiper’s broken wing with tape and a straw. As a metaphor the bird with a broken wing is a bit clumsy but we hope it will fly again - a bit like the buttoned down Burton.

Liz initially plays the horny headmaster along and discusses her plans as she modestly poses for her sculptor friend Charles Bronson. She does however soon fall for the pent up priest and soon the pair embark on a passionate affair. Burton’s life is complicated by his wife and the investors he’s pumping for a new chapel.

As the sandpiper gets ready to fly the coop Burton has to decide where his loyalties lie and whether Liz’s beach shack is worth giving up his cassock and twin setted wife. Liz meanwhile is starting to sell her art off the back of her notoriety - will she up sticks to San Francisco and take her annoying son out of Burton’s school? Does she love the potent priest or is he a means to an end?

Despite a screeching trumpet lead soundtrack I enjoyed this tale of passion and morals. Liz and Burton certainly crackle on the screen and this is possibly the only film of hers where Liz is genuinely curvy and sexy. She doesn’t quite convince as the carefree beach dweller but as least she’s better than ‘sculptor’ Charlie Bronson - c’mon Charlie get that gun out and get back to work!

Burton’s transformation from devout preacher and husband to attendee of beatnik parties is well done although the relationship does always seem a bit out of kilter of what we know about the characters. The metaphor of the bird is heavy handed with Burton keen to fly away from the responsibilities of his job and life in general.

The Californian beach settings are great and the film has a sixties vibe of free love that is always clawing away at the stuck up morals of the church and its elders. The couple never really win over our sympathies with him being a hypocrite and her being a slut with an agenda. As the pieces come to rest you have to wonder if it was worth it but I guess that’s the point of the whole affair.

THE Tag Line : Bronson Gets Wood!  68%

No.118 : The Beaver (2011)

The Beaver at the IMDb

This is a strange film that, if it had been described to you, you’d have thought it to be some sort of wacky spoof. It is real and I can testify to that as I had 90 minutes in the company of Mel Gibson talking through a beaver hand puppet. Maybe it’ll have something to say about damaged people and our perceptions of others? Or will it show that Mel’s decline shows no sign of hitting bottom?

Mel plays Walter a toy company owner who has a touch of depression. He’s married to Jodie Foster (who also directs) and the marriage isn’t going too well. Mel has two sons ; one a teenager who hates him and another who is a pre-schooler. The teenager is logging the similarities between himself and his Dad whilst writing exam papers for fellow students. The pre-schooler isn’t connecting with Mel but a good bit of puppetry will sort that relationship out!

After two years of trying to make the depressed marriage work Jodie kicks Mel out on his ass. Mel visits a dumpster to lose some stuff but finds a hand puppet beaver instead, which he immediately installs on his arm. He talks to himself and others through the beaver in a dreadful cockney accent and tries to kill himself in a half hearted attempt involving his tie and a shower rail.

On hearing of the new beaver Jodie unbelievably lets Mel back into the house and soon the marriage starts to improve. At work, after giving out cards explaining the beaver off as a psychiatric device, Mel reenergises his workforce and soon their ‘beaver kit’ is the toy hit of the year.

Elsewhere, Mel’s rudderless son is making friends with the smartest girl in school who wants him to write her a speech for her graduation. They also explore their love for tagging and her feeling of loss for her dead brother - she’s got issues too, you see!

Soon Mel is no longer talking from the beaver and it develops his own voice. Jodie is unhappy with the rodent’s planned appearance at her anniversary dinner and it may be that power tools are the only way to separate man from cuddly toy. Will the various problem people find redemption? And will the stuffed toy take all the acting awards for this frankly weird film?

This was as strange a 90 minutes of Hollywood film that you can imagine. An A-list cast involve themselves with a cheap Muppet while playing it straight. Issues such as detachment and isolation are touched on but you never get away from the guy out of ‘Lethal Weapon’ talking to a glove puppet as an equal. The puppet is never animated and the whole thing is ground solidly in reality with all the laughs of the nervous and awkward nature.

I can only imagine the whole project looked like a worthy examination of mental health but it just came across as totally  mental. Gibson lacked his usual charm and looked lost throughout. Foster was better and her irritation with her husband seemed real - no doubt she channelled her feelings of being involved in this farce!

I’m all for actors taking a chance and trying something ‘out there’ but this was an uncomfortable and strange venture that will do nothing to aid the understanding of either mental health issues or the troubles faced by beaver puppets stuffed into dumpsters.

THE Tag Line - Even Madder Max!  33%

No.117 : The Unforgiven (1960)

The Unforgiven at the IMDb

 No, not the Clint Eastwood non definitive article effort, this is the 1960 John Huston directed western that stars Burt Lancaster and Audrey Hepburn. It is a bit long at two hours but it has a bit to say and plenty of action, especially in the last half hour.

Burt plays a cattleman returning home prior to a big drive to Wichita. He’s brought home a piano that he won in a bet and his old Ma Lillian Gish is most impressed. His sister Audrey is also pleased, as are the cows and the minister. In what is a slow burning half hour they bash out a couple of tunes and break some horses in, scenes that would have been far better on the editor’s floor. Still it sets an idyllic scene that we know can’t last.

We learn that Audrey is a founding, with the story going that she was found in a settler's wagon after they were killed by the Indians. Not everyone is convinced however, especially an old stranger with a big sword who keeps popping up and looking ominous. Things come to a head when three Indians appear with a gift of horses and ask ‘How much for the woman’ in a scene later echoed in ‘The Blues Brothers’. The Indians are convinced that Audrey is a child stolen from them during a massacre and they want her back, even though she’s at least 30.

Burt, who may have more of a shine to his ‘sister’ that is healthy, spurns the Indians but soon the racist locals start to question the squaw in their ranks. The mysterious stranger is captured and tells what he thinks is the truth of Audrey’s origins before Lillian hangs him by chasing off the horse he’s sitting on while he's wearing a noose. With Audrey suffering the shortest engagement in history the locals leave Burt and his clan to take on the whole Indian nation on their own. Luckily they have more bullets than Patton and the Indians have been practicing falling off their horses. Will Audrey return to her roots or will Burt reveal his thinly hidden passion? Can the cowboys v. Indians saga be resolved once and for all or will the smashed piano fester resentment evermore?

After a slow start this film turned out to be an enjoyable and thought provoking effort that delivered with an action packed last half hour as the homestead is besieged by endless Indians. The main theme was one of identity and the trouble in store was rote large from the off when the family cows were grazing on the homestead roof - off the reservation you see!

Things start off well and the neighbours are nice until the trouble starts and then they disappear. Masks are dropped when Audrey’s fiancé gets filled with arrows after his first kiss. This lets rise all the bubbling resentments with one old woman totally racialist! Audrey does well but I wasn’t convinced she was a red Indian and she herself didn’t seem that bothered with a return to her roots on the cards one minute, with Burt’s brotherly and incestuous arms favoured next.

Burt did his usual stand up job of being softly spoken and decent but with a strong right hand to back it up. His motivations were suspect from the off as he beats up an Indian for touching his sister’s hair and we were sure it was more than brotherly love that saw him lose his herd and then burn down his house for his frankly rather skinny and annoying sister.

The Mexican locations were great and the cast list was filled out with some great character actors, especially the scene chewing tell tale, John Saxon, Audie Murphy, Doug McClure and even Dr No!

It’s certainly not as memorable or as brutal as Clint’s effort but it’s still a superior western that will reward those how stay about after the piano is put away.

THE Tag Line : Lillian Gish It Is Not  71%

No.116 : The Lifeguard (2013)

The Lifeguard at the IMDb

 Kristen Bell stars in the title role who, when we meet her is a journalist in New York. We know things aren’t going great as the film stock is washed out in blue tones. She reports a story of a man who kept a tiger in his apartment and it later died after trying to claw its way out. As a metaphor it is a bit blunt and soon Kristen has fled the pressures of the city and headed home to her parents in Connecticut.

We learn that she’s near 30 and although young for a mid-life crisis she and her parents both feel she has failed up to her early promise when she was top of her class. She hooks up with some old friends including a fey man with a beard who has yet to come out as being gay and another who is trying to get pregnant and live the conventional life she feels is predestined to her.

Bell gets a job at an apartment complex pool as the lifeguard and soon makes friends with a bunch of teenagers including the janitor’s hot teenage son. Her two groups of friends start to mix and smoke pot  and stay out late much to the annoyance of her parents who don’t really want her moving back in, especially as she’s brought the cat.

After a run in with some young kids at the pool and with the cops who are bullying her skater pals Bell starts to reassess her life and falls into bed with her teenage chum. This sets her at odds with her wannabe pregnant friend who can’t even get her husband to slap his dick across her face. As the affair becomes public and the gay friend gets bolder a tragedy tells everyone that it’s time to get on with their lives and stop sitting about smoking hash and listening to indie music.

This ‘slice of life’ effort wasn’t really worth the effort. The usually attractive Bell spends most of this film with a scowl on her face and her listless existence is more tiresome than thoughtful. The film tries to have a melancholy air with a slow dirge soundtrack and lots of ponderous scenes of kids hanging about or slow-mo scenes in the pool. I appreciate these are rudderless people looking for a meaning to their existence but they just come across as dull and needy.

Bell does OK holding the whole thing together but she’s not that likeable and her motivations appear totally selfish throughout. The running theme of being trapped and needing direction is life is hardly going to excite the audience and at no point did I feel invested in any of the characters. She may feel she is daring taking a part where she has an affair with a teenager but it was low key stuff and I liked when the boy’s Dad, when confronted with the horror, basically said ‘that’s my boy’!

The big turning point was a bit of a surprise but the character involved wasn’t one we had invested much in and although a catalyst for change it seemed unlikely given what had gone before. There were a couple of sex scenes but they were modestly played with the only nudity some poor bloke who got his shorts dropped.

The needy and demanding people shown in this film could easily be categorised as ‘first world problems’ with the availability of beer their most pressing concern. The general gloomy mood of the film is not one that would engage the viewer and when Bell makes her inevitable return to the big city we have to wonder if her trip was really worth the bother.

THE Tag Line : Lifeguard Needs Saving!   56%

No.115 : The Conqueror (1956)

The Conqueror at the IMDb

 Some people may say that John Wayne lacked range, but whether he’s a pirate captain a gun fighter or, in this case, Genghis Khan he does a convincing job - well as long as the character needs an American drawl and a portly actor in the role.

Wayne plays Temujin, a Mongol chief who one day becomes Genghis. He'd better get a move on as he’s already 50 odd when the film starts! We learn that Wayne became chief after his Dad was poisoned and he’s out for revenge. He chances upon a caravan of travellers and, after eyeing up the sexy lady they are transporting, decides to go back and claim her for his wife. The lovely, played by Susan Heyward, is reluctant to get jiggy with Wayne, with his thin moustache the most likely reason.

After basically raping her Wayne sets out on various missions of revenge. The local warlords are a bunch of camp men with my favourite being Wang Khan who has a terrible soothsayer at his side. Wayne agrees an alliance to overthrow the resident bad guys who turn out to be the family of the woman Wayne is raping - the swine! Wayne catches a couple of arrows and is captured with his ‘wife’ running off, slagging him as she goes.

Big John suffers five minutes of torture and is due to be put to death, but who is that coming to him in the night with a big knife? Oh good it’s the wife no doubt ready to claim her revenge. But wait! She totally loves John and helps him escape - female emancipation this is not!

The film rumbles on with various betrayals from the tribesmen including Wayne’s brother. Eventually a big battle looms - will Wayne fulfil his destiny and escape the claw and will his wife break the Stockholm Syndrome and escape?

This is a real laugh fest that totally deserves its 3.2/10 on IMDb. It was produced by Howard Hughes but he’d have been better off trying to sell his bottled pee than this guff. For a start Wayne is totally miscast. He wears a variety of ridiculous outfits while reading off some cringeworthy dialogue. He must have been told that foreign folk talk like Yoda and he therefore does every scene like he’s reading his lines off the back of his hand.

He is a total dick of a character who lacks any empathy or charisma. This is the guy who is meant to take over most of the world but on this form he’d be lucky to get Old Kent Road at Monopoly. The sets are poor too with ‘The Gobi Desert’ looking a lot like the same valley where he shot most of his westerns.

The film runs a long two hours and there are large sequences of  dances and sing-alongs. It may have been meant to give us an idea of Mongol culture but I’d be surprised if they had sequined bras back in the olden days. Susan Heyward does OK in a shamefully written role but she was looking the most of her 39 years at the time of filming and I doubt nations would battle over this fading beauty.

All in all there was enough to qualify this as a ‘so bad its good’ with well known stars such as Lee Van Cleef showing up and raiding the dressing up box with no visible shame.

THE Tag Line : Genghis Can’t    40%

No.114 : The Colony (2013)

The Colony at the IMDb

 If you thought ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ lacked some mutant cannibals then this could be this film for you.

It is the future and it’s very cold. “The snow started and then didn’t stop” says the ominous voiceover - not sure how that would work but only the tops of street lights are peeking through the snow and no one has had their milk delivered for ages. We learn that most people are dead apart from small colonies living underground.

They manage to grow plants from their seed bank and have some rabbits but things are deteriorating fast. The rabbits have stopped shagging and Bill Paxton is on security detail. A recent flu bug killed 20 of the survivors and sniffles are now a near capital offence. Kindly leader Laurence Fishbourne puts anyone with a runny nose into quarantine and if they don’t get better they can have a bullet or a long walk into the icy wastes. Mentalist Bill prefers a bullet only prescription.

The colony keep in touch with other sites but Colony 5 have gone offline. Laurence takes a few men to check things out and warns Bill not to shoot anyone. The arduous trek across the frozen wastes takes about five minutes and fortunately for the budget Colony 5’s base looks an awful lot like Laurence’s Colony 7. No one answers the door and our heroes sneak in to take a look. They find loads of dead bodies and predictably one survivor who has gone a bit loopy.

A dig about finds a handy stash of dynamite as well as a recording of a transmission that suggests a thaw may be on the way. Sadly their luck runs out as they find a charnel house of mutant cannibals in the kitchen who are scoffing the colony’s former residents. After losing a few men Laurence and the young good looking one escape but with the cannibals in hot pursuit. Will they make it home and will what awaits them be worse than what they have fled? Will the climate reboot and will our heroes' values hold against a big man with pointy teeth?

This was a decent enough effort if you can overlook the thin plot and thinner characters. There is the usual gubbins about climate change but if you take this film as a portentous warning about what the future holds you are probably the kind of person who gets nutritional advice from Michael Moore. Essentially the whole film can be summarised as ‘group disturbs nest of cannibals and then gets chased home by them’. Not so much a movie plot as a game of tag.

The film does try to commentate on the human condition with the dehumanised Bill a foreshadow of the even more brutal cannibals. Towards the end when the gloves are off even those who seemed ‘normal’ end up chopping heads with a salad slicer. The gore is low key with the butcher house scene the worst although even that was so broad as to negate its impact. Fair enough cannibals can be sinister but these were the full leg waving chompers sitting amongst fires and piles of dismembered bodies. Subtle it is not!

Despite a low budget, that involved a series of endless tunnels which looked like a tribute to ‘Dr Who’, it was fast paced enough to keep me interested and the loss of a star after an hour signalled either a brave director or that the last few bucks had run out.

At a trim 90 minutes the film didn’t outstay its welcome and despite their ridiculousness I quite enjoyed the OTT troupe of permanently hungry people eaters.

THE Tag Line - Needs Heating Up  64%

No.113 : The Hill (1965)

The Hill at the IMDb

Sean Connery made this 1965, black and white drama immediately after he finished ‘Goldfinger’ presumably to show that there was more to him than Martinis and one liners. Well it worked - he can do shouting too!

Connery is one of five men who arrive in a British  North African army penal camp during World War 2. The four others are privates convicted for petty crimes whereas Connery is an officer charged with disobeying orders.

The camp is run by a team of sadistic guards who glory in running their charges into the ground. Their favourite torture device is the titular hill which, although quite small, breaks all who are set up and down it. Connery as a seemingly cowardly officer gets singled out for special treatment and this doesn’t sit well with his cellmates who are roped in too. These include Sandy out of ‘The Wild Geese’ Roy Kinnear and a spirited black chap who gets all kinds of racial abuse that seems outrageous by today’s standards.

The men are passed fit by an ineffectual medical officer and put in the grim hands of the evil Sgt Stevens. He reports to the blinkered RSM Wilson who in turn reports to the oblivious commandant. The brutal drills soon cause the men to faint and despite Connery’s knowledge of the regulations they get no respite. Only slightly fey officer Ian Bannen offers some support but the bullying climate keeps him in check.

After one brutal drill on the hill one of the cellmates collapse and dies. Can the men find justice or will the metaphorical hill of threats and lies be too much for them to surmount?

Two hours of sweaty men shouting at each other may not be everyone’s cup of tea but this is an excellent film with a lot to say about discipline, the law and class. The injustices are plain to see but these are guilty men and there’s a war on. Where should our sympathies lie? Director Sidney Lumet answers this from the off with the guards onto a hiding as soon as Sean shows up with his book of rules. His character was well drawn with the truth of his imprisonment slowly drawn out of him.

When the man dies a near mutiny ensues but this is swiftly quelled with some selective punishment and the lure of some cheese. Sean isn’t so easily bought and gets a strong kicking for his troubles. Can he convince the weak medical officer and the simpering Bannen to stand up for what is just? To convince them we get a near half hour scene of the men yelling at each other as battle lines are drawn and alliances are forged and quickly recanted when the tide turns.

The cast is uniformly (!) excellent and the drama is well realised against a massive set with dozens of extras. It would work well as a theatre production and the director wisely chooses to use a lot of close ups and jerky camera movements to give an unsettling sense of isolation and disconnection.

There are some uncomfortable scenes especially when the black actor, Ossie Davis, has to endure abuse and spend much of the film in his oversized pants, but I’m sure what was portrayed was mild compared to the real life environment.

Overall this was a fast paced two hours with the focus on character and dialogue. Top notch acting and directing saved it from being a cheap melodrama and it’s certainly one that’ll live long in the memory.

THE Tag Line : Climb this Hill!   76%

No.112 : The Switch (1993)

The Switch at the IMDb

 Bill Lumbergh off ‘Office Space’  stars in this 1993 true life drama that has nothing to do with the spunk swapping we enjoyed back in number 95.

‘The Switch’ in this case is an on/off switch for a life support machine that our paralysed hero insists on having installed. Bill plays Larry McAfee who in the opening scene suffers a catastrophic motorcycle accident that leaves him paralysed below the neck. We witness his treatment which is intercut with a tampon advert’s of sport and bonding as Larry retreats into his memories. We also get to witness him going over the bars of his bike in glorious slo-mo.

We cut to a year later and Larry is mobile in a straw controlled wheelchair but his insurance cash is running out. His hapless parents find him an evil hospital in Texas where they aren’t very nice and give him his bed baths at night. These scene are well done with Larry’s POV giving us an insight of his helpless situation.

After 4 years he’s been bounced around various hospitals with his smart mouth and quick temper meaning his welcome never lasts long. He manages to engage a lawyer and proposes his patented ‘switch’ idea that will allow him to kill himself without anyone risking charges for helping him. His plight also gets the attention of a talk radio host who must be great as he has Beverly D’angelo as an assistant and wife.

Larry manages to get court approval for his switch but the publicity the case garners encourages the DJ to have Larry on the show and get him a straw powered phone. This new outlet for his thoughts helps Larry regain his will to live as do some quality days out in the park and some nice cleavage rich shaving with Beverly.

Despite these steps forward Larry is still keen on flicking the switch and the DJ agrees, despite Larry moving to a new state where his judgement doesn’t apply. After a strange night time car park handover the switch is obtained and installed. Will Larry make the three puffs that will stop his oxygen or is it just control over his own life he needs?

It’s the second one, and soon in an assisted living facility Larry is making friends and learning some new software that may allow him to get back to work. The other residents resent Larry’s switch that they think it makes it too convenient for able bodied folk to see their disabled friends switch themselves off. But soon his spirit and refocused energy wins them over. Can Larry make a life for himself and will the switch ever be used?

This was a pretty much by the numbers ‘triumph over adversity’ bio-pic with lots of setbacks followed by life affirming achievement. It was enjoyable however with a great and recognisable cast. Gary Cole is excellent as the lead although sometimes he moves a bit more than is supposedly possible when he gets anxious. There is a lot of sentimentality and it is clearly packaged as a tear jerker for the Lifetime Network.

They did well to paint Larry as a bit of a dick but still likeable throughout. The uplifting musical cues every time a worthy speech was uttered did get a bit grating but give the guy a break, he’s had a tough time!

THE Tag Line - You Won’t Switch Off Either! 65%

No.111 : The Desperadoes (1943)

The Desperadoes at the IMDb

 
A crooked banker in a frontier town plans to rip all the townsfolk off for half their savings - how times have changed! Nowadays they wouldn’t be left with half! The scheme involves hiring an outsider to ‘rob’ the bank and then tell the folks that the banks will repay half their losses with the other half going to the crook. Unfortunately the hired gun fails to show and a local mob, hired on the rush, shoot the place up and kill three locals.

The original robber eventually shows up and is not best pleased to see that his  gig has been stolen. He thaws however when he finds his friend is the sheriff and the local floozy catches his eye. Meanwhile the bad guys get nervous as their employers turn out to be loose cannons and a lost fancy spur may spell trouble.

A local posse of well meaning idiots challenge the Sheriff, Steve (good name), to catch the villains and given he’s Randolph Scott he has little choice. For some reason he invests in the counsel of the evil Uncle Willie but we remain hopeful that the two former friends will triumph and at least get the top button undone on their overdressed wenches.

From 1943 this was Columbia Pictures’ first colour movie and it shows in the gaudy costumes and sets  which are clearly used to impress the audience who were still in black and white. It is a basic, unimaginative western with the usual good guys / bad guys motif with a saloon floozy thrown in for a bit of glamour. There is also a scene of two greased up men giving each other a massage only to be embarrassed when the saloon madam walks in - like I say something for everyone!

It does stand above a lot of its contemporaries in terms of locations and a couple of stars in the shape of Randolph Scott and Glenn Ford.  Scott is wooden and I can never see any star quality in him - he’s more like stern history teacher. Ford is better as Bill ‘Cheyenne’ Rogers who wrestles with morals and presumably with the buckles on Randolph’s corset. There isn’t much in the way of danger or menace although I was surprised to see three locals get shot in the opening bank raid - maybe they were just over enthusiastic extras.

The female leads do OK in the standard window dressing roles with plenty of fancy gowns to keep the ladies happy and to let the men play butch. There is also an ill-advised comedy bar brawl which was always going to happen when the saloon keeper says he’s selling up tomorrow. The usual pratfalls and dazed ‘Oh I’ve been knocked out’ expressions ensue but it was good to see a proto-Mongo who would later win the day in ‘Blazing Saddles’.

The early reveal that the late arriving bad guy was once a goodie with the will to reform was puny character development and it was no surprise at all when the two former friends put bygones aside to fight the common enemy.  The weasely banker was good fun as was the likeable and murderously traitorous ‘Uncle Willie’ who was played for laughs but a real bastard.

There was nothing in the way of social commentary and any hints of a moral tale above the standard good versus evil were dispelled early on. Of course it was the 1940s and there had to be something for everyone along with no sex and limited violence you can tell this isn’t going to make any top ten list.

It was competently made and had a lot to like in its naïve view of the world where good beat bad and the nasty banker got what was due to him. Are you watching Financial Crime Office? Probably not.

THE Tag Line : Bill and Steve Moderate Adventure  56%

No.110 : The Spoilers (1955)

The Spoilers at the IMDb

 This review of  ‘The Spoilers’ may contain spoilers. It was his childhood sled. There told you.

The spoilers in question aren’t movie reviewers with a heightened sense of their own worth but people who spoil things for other people - in this case gold miners.

It’s frontier time in Nome Alaska and the sluts at the local saloon are showing an ankle for two bits - well it is 1955. Whoremaster Anne Baxter has a new dress in every scene so there’s clearly cash in teasing the toothless prospectors with low cut tops that on closer examination appear to be flesh coloured flannel.

Gold is in tham thar hills and so are claim jumpers, spoilers who try to make claims against the legitimate miners working on the legal precedent of ‘finders keepers’. To stop these carpet baggers a circuit judge is employed to vet the legal veracity of the claims. In Nome the Judge is due but so is Anne’s boyfriend and she tarts herself up in her finest duffel coat as the ship appears. But wait! Her beau Roy has hooked up with the Judge’s matronly looking daughter.

Happily for Anne she is not short of admirers and despite Roy’s protestations of innocence she’s soon showing an ankle to Alex, who is a dirty dog if ever I saw one. Roy’s mine is one of those challenged and he foolishly ignores his toothless hillbilly partner and turns his claim over to the Gold Commission for the Judge’s verdict. Alas this is delayed 90 days meaning the mine could be stripped clean by the time they get it back.

This can’t be good old American justice and of course it’s not as we soon learn that the Judge and ‘the Gold commission’ are a bunch of big fakers. What follows is a predictable sequence of bar fist fights and shoot outs before a toy train falls over and honour is restored. Roy gets a kiss on his dirty face and could that be a bit of real cleavage as the credits roll? Oh I’ve come over all faint!

This 1955 effort was a remake of a film from the 1930s - God knows what the bar room sluts looked like in that! Here they were a gaudy technicoloured bunch of hefty hoofers but no less fun for all that. Clearly no one could look nicer than Anne Baxter who shined in every scene - mostly due to intense lighting and a costume budget that would match King Kong’s.

The film skirted a thin line between comedy and drama with the drunken yokel and drunken maid playing it for laughs that never came against some pretty nasty schemes and murders. There was of course no doubt that right would prevail but I have to admit being wrong footed when the judge was revealed to be bent - can’t trust anyone these days!

The sets and costumes were as you’d expect with the location work kept to a minimum. There was a horse shit free main street and a basic mine set but you could tell the western was on the way out when the whole bar set was smashed up at the end in a scene reminiscent of ‘Blazing Saddles’.

It’s clearly an unsophisticated film made for simpler times with goodies versus baddies and no one catching syphilis. I quite enjoyed it for the most part but I doubt it’s one that I’ll ever revisit or even remember after this beer. Cheers!

The Tag Line : Not Authentic - It’s twoo, it’s twoo   57%

No.109 : The Raven (2012)

The Raven at the IMDb

John Cusack stars as Edgar Allen Poe in this film, which isn’t so much as a bio-pic as a sexed up fantasy depiction of the writer’s final days.

We open with the Victorian era Baltimore police breaking into a locked apartment. They know a killer is in the room as the door was just locked, but find no one apart from a couple of dead bodies. After scratching their heads a young detective finds a hidden switch on a nailed down window frame, which causes it to open and reveal the killer’s means of egress. The detective reveals his moment of inspiration came from a book he’d read, but who had written it?

Meanwhile Poe is having a hard time. His newspaper editor refuses to print his review, the barman denies him credit and the father of his new love chases him off with a gun. It could be worse though - he could be the bloke getting chopped in two by a fragging great pendulum.

With the bodies piling up the detective realises that someone is killing people in the manner of deaths from Poe’s books. He enlists the help of the manic author and the two manage to deduce the likely location of the next murder - the masked ball hosted by Poe’s lover’s father - good old Brendan Gleeson, on moderate shouty form.

Things don’t go as planned and the mysterious killer achieves his true aim - to kidnap Poe’s love in a bid to coax more works from him. What follows is a series of clues that lead to more deaths and dead ends. All the while Poe’s lover is buried underground and only Poe’s daily stories in the paper can keep her alive until the puzzle is solved.

I quite enjoyed this film despite it being really farfetched. It was almost like CSI Victorian Baltimore with a steam punk Poe in the lead. I always had Poe down as a quiet bookish man but how wrong I was - he chases villains on horseback while shooting his pistol gangsta style!

The film opened well and like I liked the central idea of a killer employing Poe’s macabre methods of death to gain the scribe’s attention. It did however go downhill once the kidnapping took place and towards the end it was like a ‘Comic Strip Presents’ version of his life with Hollywood demanding more heroics at every turn.

The deaths were pretty good although the majority were only seen after the fact. The unmasking of the villain didn’t make a lot of sense and you have to wonder where he got the means and indeed time to set up his elaborate murders.

I felt Cusack was miscast and too tall and dashing for the role. His usual mania was present and correct and although he was playing a drug addled drunk, I never got beyond the feeling he was hamming it up. Gleeson was a bit better, but his character’s 180 degree turn in his feelings for Poe was misjudged. The Detective character needed a bit more presence and again he went from contempt to hero worship in his feelings for Poe in 30 seconds.

The effects were largely OK although I don’t know why they needed a ‘follow the bullet’ shot that seemed incongruous with the rest of the film. That said it was directed by ‘V For Vendetta’ helmer James McTeigue which also explains the shot of the baddie jumping from the roof which was lifted wholesale, hat and all, from that much better film.

‘The Raven’ is a decent enough distraction but it fails to be the equal of its parts and the whole thing seems more than a bit silly long before the end.

THE Tag Line : You Won't Rue (Morgue) Watching It  - 65%

No.108 : The Reef (2010)

The Reef at the IMDb

 You know all those films you’ve seen about a group of sexy youths stranded at sea and who are plagued by a big shark? Well, here’s another one.

A group of four Australian twenty-somethings take off in a fancy boat to have a look at an idyllic island off The Great Barrier Reef. Their slightly older deckhand, who looks like Moxey off ‘Auf Wiedersehen Pet’,  does the heavy lifting as the two guys and two girls frolic about on the sand for five minutes. They quickly realise that their boat is in danger of running aground due to the tide but manage to get back on board in a scene that offers no peril whatsoever but a few bikini shots for those so inclined.

They decide to head back but as night falls they are all awakened as the boat capsizes due to the hull being ripped open by the coral reef. They all manage to escape the craft and soon assess their options from the upturned hull - stay with the boat or swim for safety. The leader of the group wants to swim but Moxey who “knows these waters” advises caution. I think he was trying to sound like a wise old sea salt but looked more like he was missing from a German building site.

The four pretty people decide to leave Moxie in the boat with the distress beacon and head off on the ten mile swim with a cut in half boogie board between them. As you’d expect things quickly go wrong as a portentous dead turtle signals trouble ahead. Can you guess what it is yet? Well if you’ve looked at the poster you’ll have gathered the trouble is in the shape of a big fraggin’ shark.

True to form the four youths are slowly whittled down by the shark who is either reading the script or just a bit hungry. Who will survive? Will that woman ever stop screaming and is the boat insured?

This was an OK ‘Based on True Events’ film but I bet my synopsis is longer than the plot pitched to the studio. If you’ve looked at the poster you’d be able to guess almost every event and there is really nothing here to recommend it over the superior ‘Open Water’ or even ‘Open water 2 : Adrift’. The attempts at characterisation were perfunctory at best with one pair a brother and sister with the added baggage of a former pair of lovers reunited for the trip. There were some touching moments of bonding and sacrifice but for the most part you are tapping your watch waiting for the shark to show up.

The five members of the cast were fine but there wasn’t much for them to do apart from scream a lot. The leader, who looks like former Rangers striker Nacho Novo, had the most to do in keeping the group together but the two womens’ scripts must have read ‘Aaaaarrrghhhh!’ for 20 pages.

The shark was well realised and the IMDb states it was a real one. You can see the joins as it bashes through our heroes however and the kills were a bit soft, mostly happening underwater with a change of the water colour the only clue that you are one more body closer to the end.

The film ends somewhat abruptly with a couple of captions serving to end the story and whether this was due to budget constraints or the magic 90 minutes being hit I’ve no idea - I’m not that bothered either way! It was competently made and had enough to have me stay to the conclusion but it was just so familiar and unmemorable that I’ll probably see it again in a year and be unaware I’ve been there before.

THE Tag Line - Don’t Lay Your Hands On a Copy. 45%

No.107 : The Undefeated (1969)

The Undefeated at the IMDb

 John Wayne and Rock Hudson star as two Civil War officers trying to adjust to peace. The film opens with Wayne leading a cavalry charge against a Confederate position. He wins the day with plenty of rebels killed by sword and gun. As they are clearing up a messenger arrives to tell Wayne that General Lee surrendered three days before. The Duke surveys the carnage and sees what a waste of life has just occurred. Damned internet - hurry up and be invented!

Wayne meets more Southerners who advise them they intend to fight on as they see the Union soldiers as trespassers. Wayne is thoroughly cheesed off and decides to resign his post and go and round up stray horses along with the remnants of his battalion.

Meanwhile Southern Officer Rock Hudson is counting the cost of defeat. His backing of the south has left him broke and he has to set free all his slaves. At least he gives one his watch to show he’s a stand up dude. Rather than surrender his house to carpet baggers he torches it and heads south to a new life in Mexico - and he’s taking the same route as John Wayne!

Wayne and his men are now out of uniform and have rounded up 3000 wild horses. He planned to sell them to the army but when he gets stiffed on the deal he agrees to sell them to the Mexicans instead. Wayne has an adopted Indian tracker son and he advises that he can see two sets of tracks ahead - one is Hudson’s group of men, women and children and the other some stinkin’ banditos. Wayne rides ahead to tell Hudson of the menace that is stalking them and, despite their differences, they join together to see off the threat.

After some mild peril the two groups get together and soon learn that they are not so different after all. Can this mixed group of lost souls bond and show America how to heal its wounds?

This was a decent western but it didn’t have nearly as much to say about the aftermath of the Civil War as I’d have thought. Given the set up I thought Wayne and Hudson would be at loggerheads from the off but after ten seconds of sizing each other up they were swigging bourbon like old pals. Of course the mutual respect for a fellow soldier is fair enough but without any conflict what was the point? There were minor scuffles down the cast list as old scores were settled but no one, apart from the Mexicans, were brutal or untrustworthy.

Wayne put in his standard ten gallon hat performance and you can’t criticise him for that. He did have some decent lines and I liked him bopping the corrupt army buyer on the nose “I ain’t done nothin’” / “Well ya should have done”. Hudson was less of a presence and generally just stood back and let Wayne do the heavy lifting. There were a few laughs sprinkled about with a fun ‘getting to know you’ punch up serving to clear the air and allow Wayne to do his rolled eyes when punched manoeuvre.

The locations were impressive as was the massive herd of horses which would have been a tough ask given the film pre-dates CGI. There were some decent gun fights but it was all PG blood free stuff. The healing and distrust was a bit overdone but every challenge was answered with virtue and goodwill and no doubt the film played as well in the south as in the north.

Personally I like my westerns a bit grittier than this and with more a story to tell, but it was undemanding and visually impressive stuff.

THE Tag Line  - Undefeated - Unless you watch ‘The Rounders’, ‘The Professionals’ ‘The Kentuckian’ and ‘The Bravados’.

60%

No.106 : The Mountain (1956)

The Mountain at the IMDb

 Spencer Tracy and ‘Number 2’ Robert Wagner star in this 1956 thriller that sees two squabbling brothers attempt to reach the site of a mountain plane crash.

The brothers have an age difference of 30 years and it certainly shows as old shepherd Spencer has to deal with his angry young man brother Robert. No concession is given to accents or costumes so you have the slightly jarring spectacle of a sharply dressed, American accented Wagner bemoaning his fate as an ‘entertainer’of rich young women - he should try a job in insurance!

The film opens as a brave model aeroplane gives its life to the motion picture industry. It looks like an airliner in the long shots but when we focus on the pilots it looks like they've recycled a set from a World War 2 bomber flick - no wonder they crashed! Despite it being model work the actual crash happens off screen but the camera pans back to give us a rubbernecker's view of the devastation.

Back in the village at the foot of the mountain a rescue attempt is mounted. They ask Spencer along but he’s ten years retired and refuses to get involved, believing the mountain has it in for him after several accidents. His gadabout brother is keen to go but we suspect his motives. The initial rescue proves rubbish when they need rescuing themselves and they decide to wait until spring before going back.

Robert, ever the humanitarian, refuses to leave the wreck alone but he’s more interested in the money and watches that surely litter the crash scene. Spencer is aghast but soon agrees to accompany his brother as he’d inevitably die without his help. The two set out on the arduous climb across several well constructed but not very convincing sets before reaching the downed plane. As Robert starts filling his boots, Tracy finds a badly injured survivor and promises to take her back to civilisation. Robert doesn't like this plan as the police will take the cash off him so he tries the far more legal route of strangling the girl. Spencer fights him off and starts the perilous decent down the mountain. With Robert in pursuit who will survive and at what cost?

Once you get beyond the strange casting and American accents there is a lot to like in this morality tale. The settings around Mont Blanc are great and it certainly seems authentic. The same can’t be said for the mountaineering shots which understandably were done on sets with rear projection. The climb was well done with a lot of thought given to explaining the technical points without it being patronising. It did beggar belief that the ageing Spencer could skip up the mountain and then haul his brother up too but this guy has some healing ability - hands burnt raw by ropes to fully healed in 10 minutes!

Tracy was the better brother in more ways than one and you could almost believe him as an alpine guide once he got his beret on. Less good was Wagner who had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. We all love a heel but this guy was just a dick throughout.

The finale wasn't a great surprise and, although still a bit shocking, the pieces were set that it couldn't have been any other way. Initially I thought they would have given more character to the mountain what with Spencer foreshadowing a big showdown with the malevolent mound but in the end it was two brothers seeking their own kind of redemption with a fair result recorded for all concerned.

This was an entertaining film with at times a dubious moral compass but as a study of men and their motivations it was well done and with several memorable scenes.

THE Tag Line - Mountain High Score  74%

No.105 : The Change-up (2011)

The Change-up at the IMDb

One word or two? Hyphen says one!

Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman star in this high concept body swap comedy.

The pair play life-long friends with Bateman a successful lawyer with three kids while Reynolds has an enviable loafer lifestyle devoid of commitment or worry. The two discuss their lives over some beers and when they take a piss in a fountain their expressed dream of wanting the other’s life is granted by the statue looking down over them. OK it’s a lot of twaddle but at least they mock the plot themselves when explaining the situation to the wife.

What happens next is essentially two fish out of water stories for the price of one as the slacker has to cut it in the corporate world while the lawyer has to try his hand at soft porn and bedding sluts. It is better than it sounds but you can probably guess that both learn to appreciate what they have and to be more considerate to others. Again this sounds terrible but for compensation there is also swearing, ample nudity and a baby that projectile shits into someone’s mouth.

The plot is easily covered in a couple of paragraphs but there is a lot to recommend the film not least the two leads who seem to be having a lot of fun with the sometime ribald material. Bateman is always good value and he does well shifting gears from the stuffed shirt to the layabout who sometimes manages to outwit rooms full of high flying merger analysts. Reynolds gets more of the fun as the slacker who has small time acting jobs in low budget pornos. He also has some funny scenes with a heavily pregnant love interest and with Bateman’s wife who really should learn to close the bathroom door.

To pad things out there is also a couple of subplots one of which involves Bateman’s co-worker Olivia Wilde whom he arranges a date with Reynolds whose body he presently inhabits. That’s the trouble with these body swap films it always sounds more complex than it is and I for one need to keep reminding myself that he’s not who he looks like, he’s the other one. The film addresses this towards the end as a panning shot shows our men alternate between their real and assumed persons as people pass by.

The message of the film is signalled from the off with Bateman not appreciating his family and Reynolds’ avoiding his father’s (Alan Arkin) wedding  - both could do with a wake up! The power behind the switch is never addressed and it really doesn’t need to be - it’s basically an excuse for two hours of growth, values and toilet humour.

Overall the film is a bit too long to maintain its thin plot and although well made and offering a liberal sprinkling of sex and vulgarity it could have done with some tightening up. That’s said it was far better than I was expecting when it started with some nappy changing and there were enough surprises, mostly naked ones, to keep me watching.

THE Tag Line - Boobs, Bonding and Baby Shit  69%

No.104 : The Package (2013)

The Package at the IMDb

 When a film stars Steve Austin and Dolph Lundgren you know it isn’t going to be Oscar bait; but is it a credible entry in the wrestler becomes action hero genre? Hmmm, not really!

Stone Cold plays Tommy Wick and I don’t think that was intended as rhyming slang. Wick is an ex-marine reduced to debt collecting for a mob boss due to his indebted brother being in prison. I think you are meant to think he’s a decent guy but he comes across as a sadistic asshole as we join him on a routine collection job at the bowling alley. He sticks one guy’s head through a table and another into the ball return slot before giving him the obligatory 24 hours to pay.

He returns to his boss with the day’s takings and gets another job; to deliver a package to ‘The German’ for a fat bonus that’ll see his brother’s debts written off. We’ve already met The German (Lundgren) who turns a double cross into his favour when he kills a dozen heavily armed guys with a small knife. He’s tasty too you see - I can see a big fight finale in our future!

Tommy goes on his delivery job with his colleague reasonably asking why can’t the Fed-Ex the package, which is a small computer drive. This logic is not required and he gets a shot in the head for his troubles from an unseen sniper. Rather than come to a slow stop their vehicle does a massive flip from which only a wrestler with a two foot neck can escape. Luckily we have one and when the rival gang snatch squad arrive to recover the package Tommy is ready to kill loads of them in slow motion.

Realising this shit got real Tommy calls his boss but is persuaded to carry on as the threatened 50% pay cut would endanger his brother. Meanwhile The German is doing his own handiwork and teaching various henchmen the finer points of music and smoothies before killing them all - what a waste of an education.

Eventually Tommy is captured and after some very mild torture escapes only to get caught again and delivered to The German. Once again Tommy is strapped to a table and the Smoking Man off ‘The X-Files’ is ready to go to work on him. Can Tommy escape and will the secret of ‘the package’ be a surprise to anyone?

This was a dreadful film but it just about qualifies as a guilty pleasure. The acting is uniformly awful as is the action which mainly consisted of slow speed fist fights. People were taking half a dozen haymakers to the jaw with no effect. The gun play was worse with Austin spraying bullets like fly spray. He seemed constantly surprised when he ran out of bullets but we all knew that was just an excuse to punch some more face.

Attempts to soften Austin’s image with some intimate moments with his wife were wasted as you were too worried that she’d get splinters from the big lump of wood in her bed. Swedish Dolph excels at being a bad actor playing a German and his fighting skills have faded badly since he took that beating off Rocky Balboa.

The action takes place over the course of the day and although there are about 50 deaths and a million bullets spent it seems like the longest day you’ll ever endure. It was decent brain-dead action but you have nothing invested in anyone involved and when the credits roll you feel slightly ashamed that you have spent 90 minutes in their charmless company.

THE Tag Line : Package Fails to Deliver  43%

No.103 : The Man (2005)

The Man at the IMDb

Samuel L Jackson and Eugene Levy star in this alleged comedy that marries the familiar plots of ‘fish out of water’ and ‘mismatched partners’.

Levy play Andy, a nervous Wisconsin dental supplies salesman who is travelling to Detroit for a convention. His supportive family wish him well as he practices his speech and warn him of the dangers of the mean streets of Michigan. Meanwhile Jackson’s detective partner has been murdered and he’s out for revenge.

Jackson bullies $20k from a fat evidence clerk and arranges a meeting with a dodgy gun dealer. Jackson fails to find the USA Today he needs to signal his contact and wouldn’t you know it? Levy is already at the meeting place diner reading the self same newspaper. Strangely the paper alone is enough to convince the gun runner that Levy is his buy and he hands him a phone and gun as a taster. This unlikely scenario means that Levy is embroiled in the sting and he has to team up with Jackson to solve the case.

Initially Levy is shy and nervous and Jackson rough and tough but soon the two start to learn from each other and gain confidence and humility as a result. Yes, it is that crappy. The gunrunner and ruthless killer is laughably Luke Goss out of ‘Bros’ and as you’d guess he exudes all the menace of Elmer Fudd. Like no gunner runner you could imagine Goss sends the unlikely duo across town as he tries to work out if they are cops while Jackson tries to keep the unpredictable Levy onside.

Back at the station the familiar face of  Miguel Ferrer is heading up an investigation of Jackson whom he thinks may be bent. Jackson also has Susie off ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ as his unconvincing boss who tells him to hand in his badge and gun - yeah that’ll work. As we enter the last third seeds are sown that make us wonder if Jackson really is corrupt (he isn’t) and whether Levy will manage to pull of his big speech following his experiences (he does).

Jesus wept,  this is a terrible film. It suffers from virtually every problem a film like this can have from poor script, terrible acting, a famine of laughs and an unbelievable and deeply padded plot. The majority of the film (read : all of it) is totally pointless as it was always ending up with a showdown at the warehouse for the big gun buy. To get us there we have to suffer some execrable scenes where Levy farts a lot and another where he gets shot in the ass and chooses to treat it with taco sauce.

There is no danger whatsoever with cool killer Luke completely out of his depth as the thinly sketched bad guy. The subplot of the internal affairs investigation is also a waste as we know Jackson is innocent mainly because he’s the star but also because we witness Luke carrying out one of the killings pinned on Jackson.

I’m probably looking a bit too deeply into this film which is not something the script writers can be accused of. If they played it straight up comedy you could excuse some of the shortfalls but when they include murders and a mystery element along side and extended farting scene you can tell it’s all over the place.

Levy probably garners half marks as he’s just doing his usual nervous dad shtick but he doesn’t cover himself in glory, not least in the scene his trousers fall down at a busy crossroads - I guess he had a tax bill due. Come to think of it he must get loads of them what with all the straight to DVD ‘American Pie’ films…

Jackson is dreadful as the hard man who isn’t lonely but regrets the deteriorating relationship he has with his ballet dancing 10 year old daughter. He tries to come across as tough but just seems like a bullying dick in every scene. Miguel and Susie have little to do but both will be crossing this effort from their CVs if they have any sense.

I appreciate this isn’t meant to be an awards contender but the low brow laughs, terrible acting and non-existent plot mean it will be regarded as an insult even to the most committed moron. Avoid!

THE Tag Line -  Man, This is awful    25%

No.102 : The Challenge (1982)

The Challenge at the IMDb

East meets West now in this 1982 action thriller, which was a lot better than I anticipated.

Scott Glenn stars as Rick a down on his luck boxer - but we know he’s still got it when he KO’s the smart mouth champ he’s meant to be sparring with. His skills attract the attention of a wheelchair bound Japanese businessman who for some reason finds his employees in back street gyms. He offers Rick $500 dollars a day for taking an antique sword back to Japan. The sword’s ownership is sorely contested by two brothers and by entrusting it to Rick he hopes it can be delivered without incident - haven’t these people heard of Royal Mail special delivery?

As expected, things don’t go smoothly with Rick being intercepted at the airport - what a rubbish plan! Rick’s captor is a westernised Japanese thug who is tasty with his knife and has a nice line in casual swearing. He soon finds out that Rick is a decoy as the sword in his golf bag is a fake. Careful not to upset his boss the thug grabs the wheelchair man and shoves him out onto a road and off a bridge that wasn’t designed for wheelchair access. With the deception exposed and paymaster lost Rick has to wonder who is going to sign his expenses chitty.

He meets the evil big boss and is offered $15,000 if he can get in with the nice brother and steal the sword back when the opportunity arises. Rick agrees and after some training in the martial arts he gets his chance. His honour gets the better of him however, and after looking at the nice engravings he takes it back only to be greeted by the master - he saw Rick’s good character all along!

The sensei looks after Rick and trains him in the old ways of stick, sword and throwing stars. The other brother is a total dick with a big lair and loads of goons with guns - frankly I think the baddie has the better idea! Rick falls for the master’s foxy daughter and after a few run ins with the bad guys they decide to take the fight to the leader’s lair to reclaim their sword and their honour. Can the sword beat the gun and will the family be healed? Will that order for new hats be a waste and will Rick achieve redemption?

Directed by John Frankenheimer this was a superior ‘fish out of water’ movie that had plenty of action as well as some intelligent commentary on culture clashes and the old meeting the new. It was a lot like ‘The Last Samurai’ with the two brothers at opposite ends of the moral and weaponry spectrums. As with all these kind of films there is a lot of chatter about ‘honour’ and ‘loyalty’ and it’s wasted as they all end up stabbing each other in the back - it’s just like the Klingons!

The action was great however and the assault on the bad guy’s lair was like something out of a James Bond film with endless henchmen being mercilessly dispatched. The main bad guy and his helper got great send offs with the effects equal to the gore.

Scott Glenn isn’t the most enigmatic of actors but he does well here with his rite of passage from loser to hero well documented. He spends five days in a hole eating bugs and comes out of it none the worse and he nails the hot daughter to boot! The settings were all authentic and although the frenetic last 20 minutes was out of kilter with what had gone before it meant the film ended on a high.

The film was a lot like earlier Definite Article subject ‘The Yakuza’ with many of the same scenes present and correct. It was however a more enjoyable and fulfilling movie that had a satisfying mix of sex , violence and a man eating cockroaches and it is certainly this blogger’s ‘Round Eye in Japan’ film of choice.

81% Best Bit - I’ll get my hat - wait, don’t bother

No.101 : The Haunting (1963)

The Haunting at the IMDb

 Another haunted house yarn now with modern era Japan giving way to the black and white America of 1963. Many of the ingredients are the same as our previous offering ‘The Grudge’ and so are the uneven and lukewarm results.

The film opens with a potted history of Hill House, a sprawling gothic mansion. Its original owner’s wife died when her carriage crashed and lots of subsequent occupants have met their own grisly fates. The present owner has stayed away, but as she’s getting on she wishes to know the truth. She agrees to loan the place to the Doctor out of ‘Zombie Flesh Eaters’ so that he can conduct experiments to prove or disprove its haunted house status.

After extensive profiling he chooses six volunteers to stay for a few days. Sadly his time is wasted as he ends up with only three - Eleanor who has an irritating inner monologue, Theo, a psychic lady who likes Eleanor and Luke, a gadabout who stands to inherit the house and who is keen to keep an eye on his property.

The three move in and pretty soon the haunted house staples of closing doors and cold rooms take over. The two ladies don their long nighties and experiences all sorts of bumps in the night. Sadly the budget doesn’t stretch to much so the haunting stays as the loud noises and bulging door level throughout. Eleanor is quickly unhinged and soon starts to fixate on the dashing Doc who has more than a little of the Clark Gables about him.

Sadly for Eleanor the Doc’s wife shows up in the shape of Miss Moneypenny but she disappears just as fast. Soon even the cynical Luke is a believer but can the cast survive the night? and will the twist be that really obvious one signalled from the off. Oh it is!

This seems to be a well regarded horror film but there wasn’t enough meat on its bones for me. They went for that cheap slow and psychological terror build up that just gets tiresome after a while. We the viewer knew the house had issues from the off but it took the characters so long to get there I had lost interest by the time they did. There were loads of really invasive musical cues with blaring ominous portents rounded off by some plinky plonk piano keys - really annoying the second time never mind the tenth.

The actors were all good apart from Julie Harris in the lead who was really needy and unlikable. Of course it was part of her character to be unhinged and random but she just came across as unsympathetic and annoying. Her arc where she went from inquisitive to needy to plain out mental was misjudged with the haunted house seemingly turning her dial from zero to max overnight. The lesbian sub plot wasn’t really explored, but it was no surprise that the predatory psychic wore black while our chaste and chased heroine was in white.

The only special effects were a wobbly staircase and a bulging door and although some will tell you the biggest scares are those you imagine they are clearly wrong. The film would probably play better as a small stage production because as a feature film it came across as cheap and underwhelming. The overlong build-up was a poor investment as the ending was flagged from the off and you just wish the idea that “the place should be burned to the ground” had come to Luke five minutes from the start rather than at the end.

THE Tag Line - Haunted House More Shite Than Fright -52%

No.100 : The Serpent (2006)

The Serpent at the IMDb

 Sub-titled French movies aren’t a staple of The Definite Article Movie Review but this one is well worth a look, not least because Bond Girl Olga Kurylenko shows us what she’s made of.

An old chap thinks he’s got lucky when the sexy Olga goes on a blind date with him but you get nothing for nothing and soon a sinister gang of blackmailers is on his tail. He pays up but it’s never enough. We think he’s being used to show us how the gang operates but he will reappear down the line so remember him and his hearing aid!

The bad guys look for their next mark and choose Vincent. We think he’s been targeted at random but nothing is what it seems in this labyrinth plot. Vincent is a fashion photographer in the midst of a messy divorce from his wife with whom he is still living. He arranged a shoot for the next day and is surprised to find Olga is his late replacement model and his helpers can’t come in as they have been beaten up. The shoot goes well and Vincent thinks his luck is in when Olga gives him a nice kiss - and she’s a scratcher too! Alas he has to run but next day the cops charge him with attempted rape.

The charges are dropped and Olga comes by to tell him he’s been targeted in a scam. Just as we are starting to think she’s nice she drugs his drink and soon the whole gang arrives to photograph Vincent in some kinky poses. He revives just in time to see Olga leave and as he chases after her she falls from his unnecessarily dangerous staircase, seemingly to her death. Vincent, who is already on the police’s radar, calls his lawyer who, on finding no trace of the body, thinks his client is nuts. Things get worse for Vincent however when he’s rear ended and finds Olga’s body in his boot and the cops have just arrived.

The other driver reveals himself to be an old school friend of Vincent’s and he arranges to get the car fixed and the body disposed of - you don’t get that service from Aviva! The body hider, Plender, starts to turn the screws looking for cash and a few free dinners at Vincent’s.  Our man starts to investigate his menacing friend and after his lawyer is killed he realises that the noose is tightening. Charged with murder Vincent goes on the run - can he turn the tables on the blackmailer and save his family from the freezer of doom?

I enjoyed this superior thriller and although it was a bit long there were enough twists to keep me interested. I liked how the troubles piled up on Vincent and it was hard to see how he could escape the elaborate traps that had been set by the dead-eyed Plender. The ending was a little too pat for my liking but I did enjoy the twists most notably the grave robbing!

Yvan Attal was excellent in the lead role as the troubled Vincent as was Clovis Cornillac as the malevolent Plender. Plender’s motivation was well documented but it was a bit unclear why he waited for his Mum to die before focusing on Vincent. Maybe it sent him over the edge or he’s just got plenty of patience. The blackmailing scenes were well done with the poor suckers reeled in by the slick and sexy operation and I liked the creepy shine to the dear departed mother.

All in all this was an enjoyable Gallic thriller with my only real complaint the title - not a serpent in sight apart from the tattoo on the bad guys back - should have called it ‘French Blackmail/Revenge Film’ - at least that does what it says on the tin!

78% Best Bit - Olga’s lingerie shoot